


Hinata-kun

by sailo_rjune



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, College AU, Crimes, First Person Narration, Fluff, Hinakoma - Freeform, Komahina - Freeform, Love, M/M, Multi, No V3 spoilers, Polyamory, Recreational Drug Use, Reincarnation AU, Slow Burn, Smut, multiple dr side characters / ships, underage sex/drugs in the context of flashbacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-09-26 03:35:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 126,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9860630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailo_rjune/pseuds/sailo_rjune
Summary: ...A very long story about how a nineteen year old Hajime Hinata meets an older Komaeda in a world without hpa and they do a bunch of drugs and sex things and also shit gets real...





	1. reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhh...I'm sorry for the prolific drug use?
> 
> Note: if it looks acts talks walks shines like komaeda, then rest assured it definitely *is komaeda*...you just have to be patient for the reveal on this thing and put up with his fake name for a few chapters.
> 
> Everything is pretty slow on revealing most of the tags I've included so enjoy the ride.
> 
> This is my first fanfic ever, I know it's not for everyone, but I hope you like it!
> 
> I started writing this before v3 came out and I haven't looked at any spoilers so please note their personalities are just my own selfish projections.

The setting sunlight catches his wild hair through the open windows, bright golden flares escaping between erratic strands of white. I can’t stop staring but at the same time I know my eyes are betraying something dark and shameless and I try to pay more attention to the cheap beer in my hand. I know I’m scum, burning the memory of this particular small moment of his beauty into my mind. Before my staring escapes unnoticed, he flashes me this pure smile, his gray green eyes as gentle and friendly as ever. AKISE. His name pulses through my mind with practically every breath.

 

 

God damn it. I have it so bad for this guy.

 

 

The last four days have caused me so much turmoil. I’m physically burning to be closer to him but at the same time I feel so fucking guilty. My boyfriend has been out of town for the last few days and while these three are my friends too, I only met them through him. Despite _everything_ , I don’t even know if Akise _actually_ likes boys? In what has recently become my rather debased mind, it’s been an endless stream of his name constantly followed by me asking myself what the hell is wrong with me.

 

 

After four days next to him, not being able to _really_ touch him or flirt with him at all, the fire burning in the pit of my stomach connected directly to my dick isn’t going away. With every stolen glance and every sound of his unintentionally intoxicating voice I’m pulled further under this fucked up spell, sweltering away under my carefully constructed indifference and nonchalance.

 

 

This shitty beer is sliding down my throat when a bunch of overly loud and excited students enter the front door of the house with three exuberant girls carrying in a new keg as the first went dry a while ago. They’ve also got a giant block of ice and way too many bottles of rum and vodka to make what they’re shouting is going to be an “epic luge.” Several of the boys are almost hopping around them to help set it up on the kitchen counter.

 

 

 

Christ it’s not even dark yet and we’ve already been drinking and fucking off for hours. Not to mention the fat bag of purple kush Saihara brought along and Souda’s four footer that’s been traveling around which is also incidentally purple. This is college.

 

 

Still sipping my too warm beer, I catch Ouma practically marching in my direction from the other room. He gives me a fake smile and I already know what the commanding little fucker is going to say.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, may I be so rude to ask if you could stick around this area for a little while to make sure no one breaks or steals anything?” Why we are having this party in his parent’s house and not the shitty apartment he shares with Amami and Saihara, I really don’t know and I certainly don’t want to be on damage control duty.

 

 

“Whatever. That’s fine.” I’m a pushover, did I mention that? Ouma’s turning to leave when I decide that I want at least something in return. “Hey Ouma,” The purple haired chibi half turns around raising one eyebrow at me. “Go get me a burrito. If I have to guard the living room, go get me something to eat to soak up all this beer. I’m hungry and if I don’t eat, _I_ might end up breaking something you know.” Ouma’s left eyebrow raises to meet the other somewhere under his purple mop and he gives me another fake smile.

 

 

“Of course, I’ll head out in a little while.” He returns to monitor the raging in the kitchen and I sink down onto the couch in the corner. Time passes, the sun goes down, I stop a vase from being knocked over. I kick out some high school brats trying to sneak in. I man-handle an incredibly drunk rando out the door and off the porch who _doesn’t want to leave_ after he almost stumbles through the windows several times. I sit back down to eat the now cold half of my burrito I had to leave behind to handle all of that shit.

 

 

I’m not grouchy per se but I’m annoyed and a bit restless. I keep thinking of the last few days. My mind is soaked in these particular memories as if the rest of my life before this never even mattered.

 

 

Our road trip to the woods and the beach. The heat of his thigh against mine in the back seat of Ouma’s ridiculous jeep. None of the rest of us had a car so the five of us crammed into that tiny thing. Not like I’m complaining, I loved sitting next to Akise. I cherish the memory of him falling asleep onto my shoulder on the way back last night, and I’m definitely embarrassed about the mental state everything has put me in. Shit, being truly honest with myself, the physical state too.

 

 

Three days ago I got a text from my boyfriend, who was at the airport about to fly out on vacation with his parents saying he was supposed to go on a road trip but since he couldn’t go that I should take his place since I wasn’t doing anything over the break. The reasons for my ever present guilt are totally endless and I almost laugh to myself over it remembering this.

 

 

He said I’d be going with Amami and Saihara, who I had met a few times when they came over to our dorm and even a couple times when we went over and played mario cart and drunk frisbee golf. These were his friends he had grown up with. Including that little shit, Ouma. He also mentioned something about Amami having an older brother who I hadn’t met yet.

 

 

At the time, I was like whatever, sounds better than lying around an empty dorm sleeping all day and playing video games all night. I had moved here to go to school and didn’t know much about this part of the country so I found myself really looking forward to seeing the woods and going to the beach. It sounds dumb, but I hadn’t seen the ocean yet in my 19 years. I came from a small farming town and I was the first person in my family to even go to college.

 

 

Manami was my first relationship ever and although we had been together a while now, we never got too far physically. I was just happy to find someone who could accept my gay and not judge me for it. He was really good at video games and we spent a lot of our time together outside of school battling each other and eating too much pizza.

 

 

I think our lack of physical interaction was in part due to me awkwardly adjusting to even having a boyfriend in the first place. I think for Nami, he wasn’t impatient and almost disinterested because we always had a blast doing whatever anyway. Prior to actually deciding to date each other, he did sit me down and tell me that he was asexual…I had never heard that term before, but it only served to make me feel more at ease around him. He was tall and beautiful, pink hair, pink eyes…but his whole demeanor brought that conversation to mind over and over. We weren’t a sexual couple. I didn’t mind at all. Honestly I think this made me more of a privately masturbatory freak than I was even in middle school, but it wasn’t like I was unhappy with him. He’s been the closest friend I’ve ever had in my life and I wouldn’t change that for the world. How fucking ever. I certainly never in my life felt such burning infatuation like what my body’s doing to me now around Akise. There goes his name through my mind for what feels like the thousandth time today.

 

 

I drink the last of my…fourth? fifth? beer, washing down the last of my burrito, watching the party go on around me in somewhat of a blur and let myself sink into my memories of the last few days even further.

 

 

…………

 

 

I had packed up a small bag with some clothes, Ouma was going to provide whatever we needed for camping, and I waited outside the dorm for the _lilac_ colored jeep to appear around the corner with the three freshmen coming to pick me up. The top was down and Ouma was playing some unidentifiable white rap. Every other lyric was about bitches or hoes, just like at this party where I was forced to stay right here on this couch doing fucking damage control.

 

 

I climbed into the back next to Saihara and found myself wondering how Ouma could even reach the pedals. He was adamant that no one else would be allowed to drive his precious baby he had affectionately named _Panta_. The other boys had known each other for much longer and after briefly asking about Manami, they quickly sunk into their commonalities and I felt quite left out of the conversation.

 

 

 

From where I was sitting I could see Amami’s glinting piercings which I found myself admitting suited him and were pretty cute actually. He turned around flashing me a genial smile saying that we were on the way to his older brother’s work to pick him up and that he had just graduated last year. Akise. Presently, I smiled into my new beer at the shock myself from a few days ago was about to receive.

 

 

We pulled up in front of an impossibly large skyscraper that was impressive in its modern architectural design. Togami Corporation. Everyone in this city knew the company’s name, I couldn’t believe this Akise had gotten hired there right out of college, that seemed absurdly impossible to me. As if reading my thoughts, Amami turned around for the second time and grinned at me saying loudly over the music, “My brother has luck like you wouldn’t believe! No one else his age could have gotten in here in this economy.”

 

 

I pondered that a little but concluded it _had_ to be from some type of connections the Amami brothers had, likely through Ouma who was from what I could tell a straight up bocchan. I couldn’t even imagine affording a car let alone a ridiculous custom paint job and admittedly great sound system despite the music that was being played. Amami was on his cell and instructed Ouma to pull around the block since Akise was waiting there for us.

 

 

We pulled up next to a tall thin boy who was wearing a white dress shirt tucked into _really_ well fitting black dress pants that had a silver chain running from the belt loop at his hip into his pocket. His sleeves were rolled up his onto his pale forearms and he was wearing these thin black suspenders and a too large black beanie that dangled off the back of his head. The hair poking out from that beanie was the craziest shit I had ever seen. It was this _legit mess_ of white sticking out in almost every direction. He was looking at us with these big grayish green eyes and a cigarette dangling from his smiling lips.

 

 

 

My heart definitely did some kind of rolling thump thing at seeing this person. I would soon come to realize what it was, but at the time I just kind of gulped and I remember thinking that it should illegal for someone to be so fucking pretty. He climbed in next to me as I scooted over to the middle.

 

 

“Rantaro-kun, I sincerely hope you packed adequate necessities for me.” Right. He wasn’t carrying anything except his cell phone and a light sweater when he got in the jeep. On top of him looking like a god damn model, he had this smoky and velvety youthful voice that just finished the half turn my chest had done when I first saw him standing on the sidewalk. In this proximity I could smell him too. It was pleasant and something I couldn’t quite place except for the fact that I liked it. A lot.

 

 

Amami turned back to face us with one eye squished closed and his tongue out, “Of course I packed your shit up nicely and brought it, onii-sama.” The stranger next to me then chuckled and I would come to make that my favorite sound in the world in three short days.

 

 

As we take off, Ouma grumbles something about the smoke coming off Akise’s cigarette causing him to laugh again even louder. It hardly matters since the top is down and the wind is taking it all away with it, and Akise pokes Ouma’s shoulder in front of him telling him so. I unexpectedly begin to even _enjoy_ the smell of it mixing in with Akise’s scent next to me.

 

 

The older boy turns to me giving me an inquisitive look and I realize that we haven’t even introduced ourselves to each other.

 

 

“Hello,” He gives me a bright smile that makes me feel… _something_ unanticipated in the pit of my stomach. “My name is Akise Amami, who might I have the pleasure of meeting?” His voice is so fluidly beautiful and I can’t help but notice he’s got these very pretty long black lashes to go with those ebullient green eyes. I really can’t take it. I’m such a basic looking person and I feel somewhat intimidated at this point not to mention that I know I’m starting to blush at least a little. I certainly don’t want to be rude though.

 

 

“Hajime Hinata, it’s really nice to finally meet you.” I soften my expression as much as possible even though I feel kind of flustered and anxious.

 

 

“Oh Hinata-kun, that’s a _really_ nice name. Can I call you Hinata-kun? It has a pleasant ring to it.” He’s smiling and still looking at me and I feel the back of my neck becoming way too hot under my collar. I stare down somewhere between my feet because I literally can’t handle it anymore and tell him that it’s fine. God, the way he said it. I know right then that I’ve never reacted to anyone saying my name the way it rolled off Akise’s tongue. Shit why am I thinking about his tongue. Fuck.

 

 

“And how do you know these little boys?” Amami shoots his brother an offended look followed by a smiling laugh. I can already tell these brothers definitely have a lot of fun teasing each other. I cough a little to clear my throat because I definitely don’t want to stutter in the perturbed state I’ve somehow entered because of this person sitting so close to me that our bodies are touching all down our sides and thighs. God damn this tiny fucking car and this tiny fucking back seat.

 

 

“Um. Well maybe you know Manami?” He nods while taking one last drag and flicking his cigarette butt out of the car and adjusts his beanie a little lower to protect his erratically flapping hair from all the wind blowing around us. He brushes it towards the back with his unbelievably _graceful_ fingers tucking it into the beanie save for some cute overly long and unruly fringe at the front. He takes a small hairpin from between his lips and loosely sweeps his bangs to one side and secures them away from the wind. I notice the tips of his hair are actually pinkish and dull brown in places.

 

 

This guy is adorable, what the fuck. A voice deep in the back of my mind tells me I’m doomed and I immediately stuff it back down to the depths where it came from.

 

 

 “Well, uh. Manami is actually my boyfriend…” I glance up at him now just to see how he reacts to that. His purely kind expression doesn’t change at all and I detect a growing interest in his eyes. Somehow a weight is lifted from me. I know they all must know by now how Manami is gay albeit asexual, and we’re together, but it’s always pretty scary telling such things about yourself to complete strangers when you’ve come across so many people who just totally fuck off or treat you so _stupidly_ different once they know you’re one of ‘them.’ However, Akise’s expression is a welcome and warm feeling in regard to this side of my anxiety. Relieved, I continue introducing myself.

 

 

 

“Yeah so Manami is actually on a vacation with his family right now so he suggested I take his place on this road trip with you guys. I’ve met everyone else a few times and I’ve actually never seen the ocean before so I’m kind of really excited.” Jesus I just started babbling, what is wrong with me? I silently tell myself to not look Akise in the eye when responding from now on. The words just tumbled out and I’m embarrassed of what I just said. Akise tilts his head, still looking at me and smiles. The warmth of his smiles would become something I outright craved by the end of our trip.

 

 

 

“I’m so glad you’re here with us then! I’ve never met someone who has never seen the ocean before, this is wonderful. I’m really happy I get to be there when you finally experience it.” Ok, now I’m starting to wonder what kind of person actually says shit like that. I’m flattered yeah, but there’s some kind of alarm bell in my head telling me this guy is kind of…strange? I guess I’m not the only one picking up on this vibe because Rantaro turns around again and kind of glares at his brother and then turns to talk to me.

 

 

“Hinata, don’t worry about Akise there. He will talk your ear off if you give him half a chance and yeah, he’s a fucking weirdo.” Saihara snorts at this on my right, and Akise has an almost uncalled for bout of laughter.

 

 

“That’s really unkind, little brother.” Akise says, still giggling. He turns to me then and makes this face that is also my imminent death; tilting his head down and looking at me through his lashes, letting a smirky smile only drag up one side of his lips. My eyes widen a bit and I feel like my whole body is far too warm for all the wind blasting us since we got onto the freeway. “Can you swim, Hinata-kun?” There it is again, my name like honey pouring out of his mouth, this time with an inquisitive intonation and I tell myself that I am definitely going to hell. I’ve only known this guy for what? Twenty minutes at the most? God help me.

 

 

“I can. But I guess I haven’t done it in a long time. I used to go to the local swim club when I was a kid. I think it should all come back to me.”

 

 

“I’m sure it will.” He gives me another one of those warm smiles. “If not, I would be happy to teach you, Hinata-kun.” I’m like flustered beyond belief at this point but luckily Amami gives his brother another sharp glare that’s almost a comical scowl.

 

 

“Akise, honestly stop flirting with him, he’s taken. You’re such a dick.”

 

 

Akise doesn’t say anything he just makes a little ‘o’ with his mouth followed by a pout and turns his head to look away from me towards the passing scenery. We’ve nearly left the city now and the houses are getting farther and farther apart while the spaces between stretch out into green fields and occasional copses of trees. The summer’s only just begun and I’m silently a little happy that the fields haven’t turned brown yet, it’s much prettier like this.

 

 

I’ve been so distracted that I hadn’t noticed that Saihara had been hiding under his jacket this whole time only noticing when I begin to smell…something…oh god it’s weed. I really shouldn’t be surprised though. Saihara pops out from under his jacket with a big grin and a freshly rolled joint in his hand. He taps Rantaro on top of his head in the seat in front of him.

 

 

Without a word between them, Amami passes him a lighter downwards behind him along the side of the car where both of their seats are next to the doors and I don’t imagine it when I see their fingers linger a tiny bit against each other during the pass. I kind of raise my eyebrows at this little thing that was undoubtedly supposed to be hidden from everyone else in the car.

 

 

I wouldn’t have even seen it if I hadn’t been forcibly trying to look away from Akise on my left. The warmth of his thigh is right along mine and I don’t dislike the feel of it at all. With the joint in one hand and the lighter in his other, Saihara leans over to me and whispers, “Hajime, if you don’t like this music do you want to play something? Manami’s always telling us that you have really good taste.” He lifts the joint up between us. “I think this will be much more enjoyable if we can get rid of this generic crap music of Ouma’s.” I smile at him and before I can even say anything in return he shouts over the wind for the aux cord to be passed back to us. I feel like I’m on the spot now so I quickly get out my phone and find a longish electronic mix to play that I think is chill enough. Saihara smiles at me bobbing his head to the beat and lights the joint between cusped hands.

 

 

He takes two long held drags, blowing the smoke as much in the direction of Ouma as possible and I find out quite rapidly that Ouma is not into “that kind of thing.” But I get the feeling that Ouma is delighted to have all of us here nonetheless. Saihara then passes the joint to me and I too take two long drags and politely blow the smoke upwards where it flies away with the wind.

 

 

Akise’s looking at me again and already feeling a little high, I smile at him probably more than I should and hand him the joint. His fingers brush mine momentarily and I feel his cool delicate fingertips against mine for the first time. I hate myself for liking this brief meaningless contact as I stupidly watch him take a long graceful drag and slowly exhale it out the side of the jeep. He takes another then puts the joint outside until the ash falls off, then passes it over to Amami, tapping his shoulder with the back of his hand.

 

 

“Saihara-kun, that is some _really nice_ blue dream you’ve got there.” Akise’s voice is comically lowered due to the fact that he’s still holding in his last drag and I hear myself laugh at this. Shuuichi leans forward to better see Akise around me and flashes him a big grin.

 

 

“I know, right? I always have good weed.” He chuckles a little and then while he still has Akise’s attention he mischievously adds, “I brought mushrooms too, are you down, onii-chan?” Akise’s eyes widen and a big smile follows soon after.

 

 

“Of course!” he chirps excitedly, then he nudges my shoulder with his that is only about an inch higher than mine. He speaks to me in a low voice, almost privately, “Hinata-kun, have you ever done anything like that before? If you don’t want to, I won’t either. I wouldn’t want you to feel lonely or left out.” He’s looking at me with what feels like genuine concern and my heart warms because I cannot believe anyone is treating me with such consideration let alone would pass on psychedelics in nature just for me. I smile back at him kind of slyly but not enough to give away the way he’s making me feel inside.

 

 

“It’s ok Akise,” I say back to him in the same lowered tone so the others aren’t privy to our little conversation. “I haven’t exactly done that before…I’ve only ever smoked weed. But I think being out in nature would be the perfect place for that kind of experience, right?” His cheeks are rounding with his growing smile at my words and I can’t believe I’m finally starting to relax around this beautiful person. Maybe it’s just the weed kicking in but whatever. I want to talk to him more.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, you said my name!” I feel heat rise in my face and look down. Oops. I didn’t even ask if it’s ok to call him that. I belatedly realize that my self-control isn’t as hard core when it comes to weed like the other guys. I had already been turning his name over in my mind quite a bit for the last hour since we were introduced so it just. Slipped. “And I think that is a splendid outlook, you really are an interesting person, Hinata-kun.” Me, interesting? What the hell. Not in a million years. I laugh at this last development and twist my face a little at him.

 

 

“Are you sure it’s ok to call you that? You know, just ‘Akise?’” He nods vigorously laughing to himself quietly. He looks up at me sincerely and tells me that it would be an honor to have me call him that. I’m trying to remember the exact definition of flabbergasted and wondering if it fits my emotions when it comes to this overly polite and eccentric person sitting way too close to me right now.

 

 

The joint makes its way between the four of us again, except for Ouma who is “not interested” and I find myself easing into comfortably talking with Akise about how he could tell what kind of weed we were smoking, what kinds of flavors denote such things and then more about psychedelics he’s tried and listening as he tells me about his best and worst trips.

 

 

He takes out another cigarette and offers me one too. I don’t really smoke but I take it anyway. It’s the first thing he’s ever given me and I feel like such an idiot to be so excited about this. Plus I get to lean over him to ash out the side and I definitely did not take that into consideration when accepting it. Ok. I did. I’m bad.

 

 

 We’re basically just talking about drugs, more intent listening on my part however, due to my lack of experience. I find myself laughing with him and enjoying his stories and what I’m learning to be his vast awareness about lots of things, not just drugs. Akise is intelligent. I pick this up from his speech, word choices and actual knowledge…and I very unintentionally find myself even more in awe of his enigmatic presence.

 

 

We stop for lunch at a small foothill town diner, refuel Panta-san, and buy probably too many snacks in the service station before getting back on the road. At lunch I noticed Akise is a vegetarian like me and we have even more things to chat about back on the road. I can’t believe I’m enjoying myself this much. I would have been such a third wheel with the others even though I’ve spent far more time around them and we’re the same age. I silently thank Akise in my mind while listening to him ramble on and laugh about all the things we’re learning about each other. I start to realize I’ve never had such long or in depth conversations with anyone outside my immediate family and I feel a nagging tinge of guilt when remembering my boyfriend is not here and I’ve taken his place at his request. _Ugh_.

 

 

We take a small highway off the freeway and are heading down a really windy road up through the mountains. Another joint makes its way around. The weather is getting a bit cooler but we keep the top down to take in the scenery as trees start to tower all around us. Leading up into this place, the sides of the roads are absolutely littered with wild flowers. When we pull over at a look out to take photos of the valley stretching out for miles below, I notice Akise walking around the edge of the parking lot picking pink, white and yellow wild daisies. They’re everywhere around him and I fully admit to myself at this point that I have a giant obscene crush on this person I can’t stop looking at.

 

 

Immediately I feel guilt cloud my mind, Manami’s face starts to enter my consciousness and I just feel like a shitbag to be honest. I don’t know if Amami was right when he said Akise was flirting with me earlier but I entertain the thought of “needing help” with swimming. So many fluttery feelings are rolling around inside of me as I’m standing in an unpolluted breeze looking at all the trees spread before me into the drop off below.

 

 

 Shuuichi and Amami are laughing their asses off, grabbing giant rocks and throwing them over the edge watching them tumble down smacking into trees and larger rocks below us, trying to see whose would go farther. Ouma’s expression of distaste at this foolery fairly matches those of the regular families that are here as well. Laughing, I join in with them and try to get my rocks to go past theirs, and I actually win causing them to cheer with me. We’re shouting and ironically high fiving when suddenly I find something being placed on my head from behind. I turn around to see Akise there smiling at me with a crown of bright flowers on his head. I tentatively reach up to feel that I too have some kind of freshly picked crown on my head. He playfully tosses a smaller one at Ouma who catches it against his chest.

 

 

“I even found purple ones for you, Ouma. Thank you so much for bringing us here with you!” Akise beams at the chibi, and Ouma visibly blushes and proudly places his violet crown on his head. Shuuichi and Rantaro clamor in about why they didn’t get any and Akise just laughs at them saying he’d find some flowers that would suit them later.

 

 

Akise takes a step closer to me and takes out his phone. He looks a little…sheepish? He’s looking at me again through his lashes with his head tilted down and I’m admiring his hair that for the first time is out from under that black beanie since we first picked him up. It’s absolutely untamed, flowing out against the breeze wrapping around the flowers beautifully. My breath is caught in my throat when he leans towards me and turns around holding his phone up with the camera facing us. I can see for the first time that the one he’s made for me is all white while his has all different colors in it. I might be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure he’s blushing as much as I am. It might just be from the cold mountain air we’ve been standing in though.

 

 

“Can I take a picture of us, Hinata-kun?” his voice is so gentle and almost shy in this innocent question that I couldn’t have refused even if I didn’t want it just as much. I laugh asking him how he even knows how to make these things and he tells me it’s a secret before winking, throwing up a peace sign and clicking the camera. I can already tell I was making a weird face so I ask him to take another and we do one with our tongues out with nothing but blue sky behind us standing on the edge of the slope behind us.

 

 

Soon after leaving that place I find myself getting too sleepy to keep my eyes open because, let’s see; my stomach is full of junk, I threw a bunch of massive rocks down a hill and we’ve smoked three joints at this point. I wonder exactly how much weed Shuuichi actually has on him as I’m dozing off and barely recall the crown slipping off the back of my head as I fall asleep.

 

 

I wake up in the late afternoon to see the Fucking Ocean taking up the entire view in front of us and I sit up straight with my mouth open just staring at it. I hear Akise chuckle next to me and he asks me what I think of it.

 

 

“It’s so big! What the fuck. It’s huuuge!” I’m smiling like a child and can’t tear my eyes away from the largest body of water I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s inexplicably _blue_ and the sun is somewhere above on its way down towards it. There are waves crashing and cliffs in all directions. We’re just arriving at the coast and I realize I totally missed the descent from the mountains to where we are now due to passing out.

 

 

I feel Akise wrap his arms around my shoulders and rest his chin on my left shoulder. I certainly didn’t forget that he was there, I was just so taken aback at finally seeing the sea for the first time and feeling bodily miniscule at the enormity and beauty of it all.

 

 

“This is the best, Hinata-kun!” I hear him say next to my ear. I’m not going to lie, I practically shuddered from this sudden contact and hearing his voice so close to me for the first time. I turned my head towards him and he let me go and backed away, but not fully. His face was full of some kind of excited expectation, pressing his lips together, pulling them slightly inward with his eyes sparkling, undeniably taking in my whole _shook_ face. _Don’t stutter, Do not stutter…please don’t stutter._ I’m so embarrassed for a painfully elongated moment during which I can’t find any words to say to this _beautiful asshole_ making me feel like my whole being is just sin.

 

 

“It’s…It’s really amazing.” I still can’t stop smiling and I know he likes this. He’s got his hands now clasped in front of him because he’s just so _happy_ for me. Even though it’s admittedly _weird_ , I can’t help but feel really touched at this. Who is this person? Akise. _Your name is haunting every thought today, did you know that?_ I definitely call him an asshole again in my mind and desperately will my face to unblush.

 

 

I hear Amami and Saihara laughing at me and Saihara pats me on the back telling me that I’ve finally seen the ocean for the first time. I’m feeling so good albeit utterly in shock of Akise’s mini hug and practically way too intimate impulsivity.

 

 

Rantaro turns to me and hands me a dark ale in an open glass bottle to congratulate me. I feel like such an idiot but a happy fucking idiot. I realize then that everyone except Ouma has some kind of beer in their possession and I’m kind of surprised that this was going to be part of the road trip; people getting drunk in a moving car. I realize they’ve also put the top back on the jeep at some point while I was sleeping and I can’t believe I was so tired that I slept through all of that. I take the beer saying a thank you to the pistachio haired boy. He tells me no problem and to drink up. The beer is really good and I keep staring at the ocean, letting the whole view wash over me in kind of a daze.

 

 

“I sincerely hope you guys are going to even be able to set up the tents and make a fire when we get there.” I hear a perturbed Ouma chime in from the driver’s seat. Amami grabs his shoulder and tells him of course everyone’s going to do their part. I can tell from where I’m sitting that Amami is _drunk_. I smile to myself and drink the beer they gave me.

 

 

 I steal a glance at Akise who’s still wearing his crown that’s starting to wilt a little but still looks pretty amazing. I turn in my seat and reach into the back to find my crown, carefully bend it back into shape and put it back on. Akise smiles at me appreciatively, his cheeks and nose slightly pink likely from the beers they’ve been drinking while I was asleep. He turns back to the window and I follow his gaze to look out at the sandy beaches we’re speeding by. Hills full of succulents blooming with bright magenta flowers separate the beaches from each other and I’m finding the salty air incredibly refreshing.

 

 

After a short discussion it’s decided that Saihara and Amami will prepare dinner once we’re there and that Akise and I will be in charge of unloading the jeep and setting up tents. We drive north with the beach to our left and once the area becomes heavily wooded again, we pull off into a camping area. It’s supposed to be on a cliff side above the ocean but there are way too many trees for me to confirm this. I can’t really fully comprehend the beauty of our surroundings and I smile to myself feeling that this is probably the way simple humans are supposed to feel in nature.

 

 

With the massive sequoias all around us, it felt like it was getting darker even more quickly and after finding our reserved spot we quickly got to setting up the camp. Akise and I got to work placing five foldable chairs out around the fire pit where Shuuichi and Amami were setting up wood with paper underneath to start a fire. We then made a few trips back and forth to the jeep to set up our camp. There were two tents, one a bit bigger than the other and I realized that this was going to be a two of us in one tent and three in the other situation. I felt my pulse increase at the prospect of sharing a tent with Akise by myself. My thoughts were confirmed when Ouma, who had finally permitted himself the luxury of drinking came up with purple drink in _a fucking cognac glass_.

 

 

Mr. Fancy Pants then instructs us to set up his sleeping bag _in the middle of_ Shuuichi and Rantaro’s. I raise my eyebrow at that given what I had seen earlier when the lighter was passed to the back seat. I had a sneaking suspicion that there was some kind of weird and unspoken love triangle thing going on between those three. Amused, I got to work setting up the tents and other things per Ouma’s instruction. He even stood on top of a tree trunk barking out instructions and had put on this ridiculous cape which was “to keep him warm.” I kept thinking he looked kind of like a ludicrous little dictator, purple flower crown loosely coming apart on his head.

 

 

At one point, Akise came up to me and without saying anything, took my flower crown off my head, disappearing into the smaller tent that we’d have to share later on. _Oh god_. My heart kept beating way too hard just thinking about it. I doubted that I would sleep well at all. I silently convinced myself that the only cure for such a thing would be drinking _a lot_ before going to bed.

 

 

After everything was pretty well set up I went back to the jeep to retrieve my personal bag and brought it to the small tent. I didn’t realize that Akise hadn’t left the tent yet until I entered it and saw him lying on his stomach on top of his sleeping bag on the right side of the tent. I saw he had laid out a sleeping bag for me to the left.

 

 

Curiously, instead of placing his belongings between us, he had put our sleeping bags together with his little suitcase on the other side of my bed. The tent was pretty tiny, there really wasn’t room for much else besides what was already in here.

 

 

As I crouched down into the tent, Akise looked up at me from where he had been holding some kind of journal. I could see that he had at least a hundred pages filled with writing and was working on using it to press a few flowers from our crowns in between the pages. He smiled and told me he likes to keep a journal and wanted to save some of the flowers as well. Feeling a little worn out from setting up the camp but not necessarily tired I threw my bag down next to his suitcase and lied down on my back next to him.

 

 

Looking up, I could see that he had undone the crowns and while the flowers were still in chain form, he had used them to hang from the top of the tent in hanging crisscrossed arches. I had never met someone so actively obsessed with beauty before.

 

 

Suddenly I felt a little tinge of concern…or was it jealousy? I wondered if all this would be happening to Nami if he were here instead of me? I peeked over at Akise who was shamelessly staring at me to my surprise.

 

 

“I’m so glad I met you, Hinata-kun.” He was lying flat now, facing me with his gorgeous hair splayed out all around his pillow some of it falling across his face. The daylight had been fading all the while and we were enveloped in gentle blue twilight. Surprising me further he reached over and put his hand on top of mine at my side and gave me a gentle squeeze. For the second time I felt his cool hand against mine and I audibly let out a breath I don’t know how long had been stuck inside me because of this infuriatingly attractive person next to me. He let go and rolled onto his back pulling his sweater up over his nose, which I thought was incredibly adorable. “Do you like what I did with those?” He pointed up to the flowers.

 

 

“Yeah. It’s great. I’ve never met someone quite like you in my life.” I tell him far too honestly while looking up at the flowers and I kind of really hate myself right now. My thoughts are going straight into the gutter and it’s astonishing to me because I have literally never felt like this about _anybody_. I sincerely just want to yank him over on top of me and press my hips up into him but obviously nothing like that is _ever_ going to happen. I have a boyfriend. _I have a boyfriend_. It’s like a litany in my mind. Not to mention that something like that would be extremely inappropriate since we only just met this morning. Plus the fucking tent door is completely unzipped and open to everyone outside.

 

 

Before he could reply or my cyclic thoughts could torment me any further, Amami and Saihara come tumbling into our tent. Rantaro sits down right between Akise and me and Shuuichi sits on top of Akise’s suitcase on the other side. Amami reaches forward and zips the door closed, and in unison they shout “Hotbox!” They’re giggling like children and I realize Shuuichi has a _fucking bong_ in his hand. It’s a small clear one replete with a percolator and giant bowl filled with perfectly broken up crystally “lamb’s breath.” I’m constantly amazed at them. Manami doesn’t act like this at all nor have I ever seen him partake in these things when we’ve all hung out before. We arrange ourselves in a small circle on top of our sleeping bags and rip and rip and rip. Our eyes are blood shot and everything is hilarious by the time the bowl is empty.

 

 

We all stumble out into the last of the fading sunlight and find Ouma quite intoxicated sideways in one of the camping chairs poking at the fire and swirling what I comically decide is lean in his god damn pimp cup.

 

 

“Heeayy!” He cheerily shouts towards us coming over. I note right then and there that Ouma, despite his grumpy and authoritative nature, is a happy drunk and I can’t help but laugh at him being so silly right now.

 

 

“Oh shiiiit!” I turn and see Amami holding a lid and grimacing into a pot on the camp stove on the picnic table next to us. Shuuichi steps over to his side and bursts out laughing as the charred bean smell starts to reach us.

 

 

“Rantaro’s burned the chili,” Shuuichi says between his laughing. Amami, succumbing to his high is laughing too now. Shuuichi gently pushes Amami’s head to one side with a pointed finger. “What the hell are we going to eat now? Oh my god. Good one, Rantaro.”

 

 

“You know this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t distracted me with the whole ‘let’s go and hotbox in the little tent’ thing.” Saihara says something about how most people would know to turn the burner down adding a barely audible and arguably _flirty_ “You know you liked it.” Amami playfully bumps him away with his hip while stirring the blackened goop. Somewhat embarrassed, he turns to us smiling with his free hand touching the back of his head, “I think it might still be edible, it doesn’t smell _that_ bad.”

 

 

“I’m sure it’ll be just fine.” Akise answers for all of us, placing his hand on top of his little brother’s head and ruffling his hair a little bit. It was an amusing gesture because they were pretty much the same height from what I could tell. “Just know that you’re removed from cooking duty from now on.” Rantaro pouts at him saying he even made it “hella vegan” for us and dejectedly hands him the spoon so Akise can get himself a bowl. When he fills one, he brings it to me saying he tried to pick out the good bits but he definitely looks slightly repulsed and he whispers sorry to me before going to get his own portion. Luckily Shuuichi had made a pretty good salad to go along with Amami’s disaster and I find myself eating way more of that than the shitty chili.

 

 

Ouma complains the whole time and eventually throws his half full paper bowl into the fire. Amami makes him another “grape drink” as a kind of amends and Ouma doesn’t say another word about it. I look up from my food and catch Akise looking at me from across the fire. His eyes are glowing with the reflection of the flames and while he isn’t embarrassed enough to look away, it’s more than I can handle.

 

 

Remembering my plan to get drunk enough to pass out, I ask Ouma if I can take a shot of whatever he’s mixing into his grape soda even though I have a half finished beer next to me. Shuuichi laughs and then quite seriously asks me if I want the cough syrup or actual hard alcohol. My jaw kind of drops; I had been sarcastically telling myself that Ouma was drinking lean but apparently it was true. Ouma cackles and asks me if I want to try it. I politely turn him down and Shuuichi kindly brings me a fifth of rum from the ice chest, but before handing it to me he makes me take a cup from his other hand saying, “we’re gonna play a little never have I ever.”

 

 

Akise seems highly entertained by this and fucking winks at me saying “it won’t get too embarrassingly personal.” Jesus I hope so. Everyone is sitting around the fire now and I can hear Ouma protesting while Amami tells him he’s better off sticking to one kind of drink and doesn’t let Shuuichi give him a cup.

 

 

“Ok, I’ll go first.” Shuuichi says on my left. I don’t know if I’m thankful or not that this is going to end up with me being last in the rotation. “Never have I ever kissed a girl.” The Amami brothers both take a drink. _Ohh?_ I’m simultaneously intrigued and apprehensive because I haven’t even kissed my own boyfriend yet so like...I can already tell this is going to get embarrassing.

 

 

Akise of course follows suit with “kissed a boy” to which only me and Ouma keep our cups down and immediately I kick myself for not just lying and drinking. Amami’s loudly joking that Ouma and I should “just kiss” since we obviously have never kissed anyone in our lives, and at the same time Shuuichi is exclaiming that he had no idea Nami was such a prude. I know I’m blushing a lot not even wanting to know what kind of expression Akise has right now so I find myself looking anywhere but over there. While I’m disgracefully excited to learn these kinds of details about him, I really don’t know how I’m supposed to get drunk let alone not be humiliated if it keeps going like this.

 

 

Ouma’s next and bless, “Never have I ever gone camping with my friends, I’m just trying to get fucked up, shit.” I’m so grateful to him in this moment. I honestly take like three gulps before I put my cup down, I don’t even care how much my throat is burning right now.

 

 

Amami’s next and I see him give his brother an almost evil smile. “Never have I ever been caught jacking off in my grandma’s room.” He can barely get through the sentence before erupting in laughter.

 

 

“ _Rude_.” Akise throws an empty beer bottle at his brother while taking a sip, and barely anyone notices that _Ouma_ also takes a drink. I’m so curious and feeling a bit buzzed so I had to ask what the hell happened.

 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it. I was like fourteen.”

 

 

“He forgot to lock the door and--”

 

 

“ _Shut up, Rantaro_.” Akise is glaring at his brother but he’s also laughing and now it’s my turn. I feel a little anxious with everyone looking at me, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while, with the somewhat unspoken tension I’ve noticed in this group.

 

 

“Never have I ever been attracted to a friend.”

 

 

“Damn that was deep, Hajime.” Shuuichi says taking a drink while looking over his cup at Amami, who takes a drink meeting Saihara’s eyes. This is so confirming my suspicions because Ouma is doing the same while looking over at Amami. Akise laughs and tells me I’m devious. I know.

 

 

We went around a few more times emptying our cups, the Amami brothers outing each other’s embarrassing childhood secrets and Ouma repeatedly stating obvious shit because he’s “so over this crap already.” While the questions never got terribly intrusive, I did learn that Akise and his brother were the only ones among us who had ever “seen a real girl naked” thanks to Shuuichi.

 

 

Basically all the questions pointed to Akise being the most experienced, but then again he _was_ a few years older than us too. And, if he was being honest, he had never been attracted to “a friend,” so whatever unfairly jealous thought I had had earlier about Nami being here instead of me flew out the window. He had called me devious but he really had no idea the extent of how underhanded I was being.

 

 

After the game we drunkenly decide to hike down the ridiculously long and steep path to the beach, having to use a flashlight because it was super dark until we made it out of the woods to the sand under the moon light.

 

 

So this was my first time on a beach. It wasn’t hot and sunny like how I had imagined since I got that text from Nami. It was dark, windy and freezing cold but we were laughing and running around with our beers until we all ended up sitting half way up a hill on a sandy ledge sharing another joint Saihara had brought with him. Ouma, who normally never touched weed, for whatever reason decided that he really wanted to try it and no one was surprised when he ended up passing out right there in the sand mid-conversation. Rantaro carefully propped Ouma semi upright against the incline, wrapped him up in his little cape, then proceeded to run off with Shuuichi down the beach to “check out a cave.”

 

 

After they left, Akise lit a cigarette and handed it to me saying, “That was insanely clever of you, Hinata-kun.” I laughed and glanced behind us to Ouma snoring against the hill.

 

 

“It was just kind of obvious I guess? I feel kind of bad but I was curious if I was right or not.” I realize we’re sharing the cig when he reaches over and carefully takes it from my hand. Humor and inebriation aside, I’m suddenly painfully aware of his proximity and our relative seclusion. And like, we’re sitting in this really beautiful place next to the ocean and there’s a mostly full moon illuminating us in the dark. I’m trying not to think too much about it to actually get flustered, and luckily the novelty of our surroundings is somewhat helping a lot with that. _Somewhat_.

 

 

After the last drag, Akise stands up and takes his shoes and socks off and slides down the sandy hill, ungracefully moving towards the water. I watch him spin around below me and he shouts back over the sound of the crashing waves to come with him. I kick off my shoes as well and run down after him to the water.

 

 

We’ve both got our pants rolled up and we’re running towards and away from the flow of the waves gliding under our feet across the squishy wet sand. The water is absolutely freezing but this is definitely way better than thinking about anything. I actually feel like a little kid again and it’s a beautiful feeling. Every time I look back at Akise I can see the same carefree feeling in his features and I’m too far gone to give it further meaning.

 

 

After doing this for longer than we should have, we stagger half way back to where Ouma and our shoes are and lie on our backs in the sand staring up at the stars trying to catch our breath again. When some time passes I look over at him but he’s thoughtfully staring up at the sky and I realize Akise is holding all the liquor from tonight way better than any of us. As talkative as he is, I find this to be a rare moment where it feels like he’s just allowing me to stare while he sits there looking gorgeous. I roll onto my side facing him, propping my head up on my hand. He glances up at me and I blurt out the stupidest mood ruining shit.

 

 

“So you’ve seen a girl naked?” What the hell, Hajime?! I think I meant to ask about how he was lucky enough to get his job at Togami but honestly, fuck my life. Akise started laughing so loud I swear even Ouma jerked awake for a moment. After howling enough to make me slightly uncomfortable, he rolled towards me mirroring my pose with his head propped up on his hand. With his free hand he wiped some tears from his eyes and then proceeded to draw little circular shapes in the thin strip of sand between our bodies. His eyes are down, watching his fingers move across the sand. I’m fully aware of how beautiful his face looks right now.

 

 

“Yes, Hinata-kun. Does that surprise you?” He looks up at me quite seriously, and I feel my entire face start to flush. I really want to tell him I didn’t mean to say that but some wicked part of my drunken mind wants to know more.

 

 

“I guess? I don’t know, I’m really drunk. That was rude. You don’t have to answer.” I try to erase my mistake hoping he’ll just blow me off but he reaches over and pushes my shoulder making me fall flat onto my back and he leans over me way too closely. _God. Why is he like this!?_ He’s an inch away from my face smiling down at me and my heart is literally beating out of my chest. He leans over even closer, right next to my face with his lips so close to my ear I’m surprised they’re not actually touching me. The wind is making his hair blow everywhere, including right up my nose and it’s tickling _so much_ but I’m just fucking paralyzed because he’s whispering in my ear.

 

 

“I accidentally walked into the bathroom when my grandma, the same one from that _other_ embarrassing story, was getting out of the shower.”

 

 

“ _What?!”_ I shout and he rolls back over onto his back and neither of us can stop laughing. My face and sides hurt from laughing so hard and tears are forming at the corners of my eyes. “Why so many horrifying grandma stories? What the fuck, Akise?” Truly though, I think I love the sound of both of our laughs against the wind and the waves crashing. Then suddenly, without warning, two dark shapes leap over us scaring the shit out of me and I realize Amami and Shuuichi are back from wherever the hell they ran off to. They’re very impressed with themselves for scaring us and we go back to Ouma, but no one can wake him up no matter what we do. After a few rounds of rock, paper, scissors between myself and the Amami brothers, I end up being the loser who has to carry him on my back up the cliff trail to the campground.

 

 

Obviously not able to keep up with everyone even though Ouma is tiny, I start to fall behind, especially at the steep parts. Amami and Shuuichi end up leaving us behind and Akise stays with me holding a flashlight so I can see where I’m going.

 

 

“It’s really kind of you to carry Ouma back up, Hinata-kun,” I’m so annoyed and tired right now but none of this is Akise’s fault so I just say it’s fine and try to focus on my footing. Unfortunately, Akise is immune to my souring mood and of course does not know when to shut up. Cheerfully he adds, “You’re actually really strong aren’t you?” Is that a rhetorical fucking question? Who goes around saying, ‘yea I’m buff as hell’ unless you’re like a pro wrestler or some shit.

 

 

“Akise, I’m really tired. I just want to get Ouma up this hill and go to sleep right now.”

 

 

“Of course. It’s been a really long day! Do you think you’ll want to shower tonight or in the morning?”

 

 

“What?” I hadn’t thought about it much less ever gone camping before but apparently there were showers somewhere around here?

 

 

“Let me know when you want to go, I have quarters and an extra towel, we can go together.” I literally almost drop Ouma because my foot slips and I don’t know if it was just bound to happen or if it was the mental image of Akise in a shower that caused it. At any rate, even with the alcohol and exhaustion getting to me, my dirty mind is going to keep circling back to Akise in the shower and how we’re going to go there _together_ at some point in the next day. Great.

 

 

 

Once we make it to the top of the cliff again we can hear actual _moaning_ coming from inside the big tent and I’m seriously not ok with trying to share two sleeping bags with Akise _and_ Ouma in our tiny ass tent so I start kicking at their floppy zipped up door telling them to open up and take their friend back. _Fucking bastards_.

 

 

After at least two minutes go by, a shirtless Rantaro comes out and helps me get Ouma into his sleeping bag, which I notice is off to the side of the tent now and not “in the middle” like he had specified earlier. It’s pretty dark but I swear I can make out a slew of hickies running down one side of Amami’s neck. Saihara is somewhere on the other side of the tent, wrapped in his sleeping bag not making a sound. I almost feel sorry for Ouma, but then again it’s not really my problem and I’m just trying to go to sleep while I’m still drunk enough to pass out cleanly without any fucked up thoughts creeping into my mind.

 

 

I make my way over to the little tent and find Akise’s already there, snugly zipped into his sleeping bag on his back, reading on a _kindle_ which I find both ridiculous and helpful since the low light allows me to see enough to change out of my clothes and climb into my bed next to him. The last thing I see is Akise turn his head to me and smile saying goodnight before he turns off the tablet. I yawn a goodnight back to him sleepily and roll over away from him perfectly ready to pass the fuck out.

 

 

“I can’t believe you’ve never kissed anyone before.” My eyes pop wide open and I just lay there staring into the darkness while he passes out next to me after saying that like it was nothing.

 

 

Now unable to sleep, I find myself thinking about the whole day. It was honestly really great until having to carry Ouma up the cliff side and being exposed to hearing whatever the fuck it was Rantaro and Shuuichi had been doing before we got back.

 

 

I allow my thoughts to turn back to Akise sleeping behind me. I can hear him evenly breathing and I can’t possibly get his image and voice and _fucking scent_ out of my head. I’m especially aware of how he hovered over me on the beach and I feel like a piece of shit as I actually get hard over it. I feel like I can still feel his breath against my ear. _What if he had done something?_ I know for a fact that I would have just gone along with it, not thinking about my boyfriend at all and maybe not even caring if our friends saw us. That’s how fucked up over this shit I’ve become in _one day_.

 

 

Selfishly filing my shame away for later, I think about too many things I’d actually want Akise to do to me and _god_ the things I’d do back to him. I can’t help it, as quietly as possible I start touching myself. After a while I’m biting my lip with my eyes closed and just going for it to this particularly hot fantasy of him on his knees in the shower. He’s letting me roughly grab him by the hair and I’m fucking his _warm, wet_ mouth _so hard_ while those green eyes of his look up at me. _Fuck_. I’m so close.

 

 

Suddenly ~the real Akise~ flops over kicking me in the back of my legs and I yelp and come at the same time. _Jesus Christ._ There are too many things wrong with me right now. Part of me panics and wonders if he did it on purpose because he heard me, and after quietly waiting to hear anything suspicious from his side of the tent I realize I’m just being paranoid. I take off one of my socks and use it to clean myself off then shove it back to the bottom of my sleeping bag where no one will ever see it. I’m disgusting. I know this.

 

 


	2. recollection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trees along the path are flying by us as we’re running and he doesn’t let go of my hand the entire way there. He also didn’t bother to button his shirt back up before grabbing me, and in the fading light I can see his *lovely* hips whenever his jacket moves the right way. None of this is helping the heat in my face fade at all. We slow down a bit as the trees thin out giving way to the cliff tops which are covered in tall green grasses. We’re at a walking pace and I’m still behind him, letting him hold my hand and lead me. I start to think that all of this is a pretty good metaphor for whatever relationship if any I have with him at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, please be patient with Komaeda's fake name here...it's all a part of the overall story and will be revealed in a few chapters :)
> 
>  
> 
> this location is based on fern canyon in humboldt county if you want to google image search it xo

When I wake up the next day, sunlight is pouring into the tent and it’s uncomfortably warm. I’m covered in sweat and I definitely have a hangover. I look over and Akise’s bed is empty and neatly made up. I throw off my sleeping bag and just lay there cooling off in my boxers trying not to remember what an idiot I was last night. I can hear birds singing and smell some kind of food being cooked.

 

 

Curious now, I sit up unzipping the tent door a little from the top and I can see that Akise is cooking at the camp stove, and the other three are sitting around the fire yawning and chatting with each other. Everything is so bright and green around the campsite and I kind of love the combination of smells from the woods and the food.

 

 

Pulling on my jeans, I remember my sock full of sin at the bottom of the sleeping bag that Ouma has so kindly lent me for this trip. I take this opportunity while I’m alone to put it in my bag in case I actually forget about it later.

 

 

I’m about to finish putting on a new t-shirt when I see a giant hairy spider right next to my bare foot. I know this is embarrassing, but I am absolutely not ok with spiders. I let out a very undignified yelp for the second time since last night and literally dive out of the partially unzipped tent door, getting caught in it and straight up fall onto my back outside.

 

 

I look up and everyone is staring at me and I can feel myself turning red because _who does this kind of awkward shit first thing in the morning?_ Akise arrives so quickly that I wonder if he ran here, and Amami and Shuuichi are right behind him. They’re all standing over me asking me what’s wrong, and I take Akise’s offered hand to stand up. I start shaking my shirt and looking all over my jeans in case there were any more spiders or if by some awful chance _it clung to me_ on my way out.

 

 

I tell them there was a spider in the tent, and the two younger boys start laughing at me like I expected they would. They’re already walking back to the fire pit as Akise chuckles at me and then tells me that he’ll go in and get my shoes and socks for me. Remembering that one god damn sock though, I physically get in his way and tell him that it’s all right, I was just a little startled and half asleep, that he doesn’t have to trouble himself like that.

 

 

He tells me that he’ll get back to cooking then but he’s looking at my chest, and I realize I still don’t have my shirt on because of this whole disaster. He meets my eyes again with that one little smile that’s only on one side of his mouth and now I’m definitely blushing for sure, unable to separate his face from the one in my masturbatory fantasy last night. He just turns around though and leaves me there without another word and I’m honestly wondering what goes on in that fluffy white head of his.

 

 

I really don’t want to go back in the tent but there’s no way I can ask anyone for help with this. I put my shirt on and try to keep as much of my body outside the tent as possible while cautiously reaching over to grab my shoes by just the laces and a clean pair of socks from my still open bag. I can see that my bed’s not made and I feel like a slob looking at Akise’s side, which is really tidy in comparison--but there’s no way in hell I’m putting more of my body into the tent than this. I stand up and turn my shoes upside down and bang them together a few times away from my body just to ensure there’s no bugs in them.

 

 

The others are all sitting at the rickety campsite table, and I sit next to them just in time to hear Rantaro finish telling a delightful story about how a camper was once killed upon waking because a poisonous snake had made its way into her sleeping bag for warmth at night.

 

 

Akise appears at my side handing me a plate of steaming food and how he made something this impressive on a tiny camp stove I have no idea. It’s an omelet with cheese and vegetables oozing out the ends with fried potatoes next to it. He’s put sour cream and ketchup near me on the table and I look up at him like he’s some kind of goddess because it looks delicious and I already know it’s going to cure my hangover. I thank him and he tells me “it’s no trouble at all” but it doesn’t escape my notice that everyone else has to serve themselves and I’m the only one who was served a plate by him.

 

 

He sits down next to me to eat and asks me if I slept well aside from the spider incident this morning and I nearly choke on my food. I lie and tell him I slept great, like a log in fact. This seems to appease his conversational needs for the rest of the meal and I try really hard not to look over at him.

 

 

I do notice that his plate is actually much smaller than mine and I take in for the first time that even though he’s slightly taller than me, he’s really kind of thin compared to me. _Delicate, beautiful_. I had noticed yesterday that he was paler too, but in the bright morning light his skin actually looks really milky and soft. I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts just because he’s sitting by me but I can’t help it. It hits me. Did I ever have any ‘normal’ thoughts towards him since I met him?

 

 

“Do you get hit on a lot?” He coughs around a bite of food and I _fucking_ _did not_ mean to say that out loud.

 

 

“Excuse me?” He’s looking at me with widened eyes, and if this wasn’t embarrassing enough, I can tell at least Amami heard me too because he’s smirking at me over his plate across from me.

 

 

“Ehhh nothing. I was just thinking out loud.” Even I can hear that my voice is awkward and almost squeaky. Could I possibly make this worse? Nobody should have to hear half the things I’ve been thinking the last day, especially at breakfast.

 

 

“If you say so, Hinata-kun.” He says it innocently enough but I can see his bemused smile out of the corner of my eye.

 

 

Shuuichi’s pouring us all instant coffee and it tastes like shit but I’m hoping it helps me to wake up enough to not further embarrass myself. Ouma clears his throat down at the other end of the picnic table and announces that we’re going to take a short drive to this “amazing canyon” we can hike through. It’s actually a beautiful clear day, and I feel myself getting pretty excited about this part of the trip.

 

 

We’re driving again with the top down and I feel kind of full of myself because I’ve been in control of the aux cord for two days now. We had used the big tent to smoke a couple bowls before heading out and I’m feeling overly happy. Especially so, because Akise knows half of the music in my phone and verbosely complimented me on my taste.

 

 

We’re all high except for our little driver, grooving in our seats and Akise is _singing_ along with me. [a/n: ngl, totally pictured this part to yung lean/kyoto lmao] His singing voice is sexy and gorgeous and I can’t help admiring him even more in these moments as he hits every note fucking perfectly with his own clever twist on some of the lyrics. We’re being such cute dorks right now and I love it. It’s hard to find people who even know _some_ of the things I listen to so I’m falling for him even harder and my mind is a jumble of constant shame and what has become a borderline obsession with him.

 

 

We turn off the highway onto a dirt road that is twisting back and forth through gigantic redwoods and ferns are hanging over the road. The plants are covered in dust from the all the cars that must’ve come here before us over the years. They’re painted the palest shade of gray by the layers of kicked up dirt looking brilliantly strange and we take a turn at a fork that has a sign saying the canyon is about eight miles away. I can tell it’s going to take a while to get there though because the road is so curvy and hilly that we can’t go very fast at all.

 

 

Next to me, Shuuichi pulls out a little jar containing the mushrooms he had mentioned before and divides the gross little things into five equal portions. Glancing over at Ouma, he wordlessly makes one a little bit smaller and puts it back in the jar so Ouma can take it when we get there. He hands the rest of us our portions and we all kind of look at each other smiling in shared anticipation.

 

 

I begin chewing the dried pieces of fungus that taste like absolute shit in my mouth. I look over at Akise and he’s making an equally disgusted face but we smile at each other, careful _not_ to open our mouths while chewing them. We both know we’re about to experience something lit. I swallow the nasty mass with half of a bottle of one of Ouma’s grape sodas to get the fucking awful taste out of my mouth.

 

 

Akise is opening a tin of mints he’s pulled out of his large coat pocket and without even trying to hand it to me in any kind of _normal_ fashion, he dangles it in front of my face and I let him place it on my tongue while he’s looking straight at my mouth the whole time. I can’t avert my eyes at all and feel him set it there, his fingertips barely touching my tongue. I feel him gently place his other hand under my chin at the same time and he laughs that beautiful fucking laugh as he pushes my mouth closed.

 

 

 _What the_ fuck _just happened?_ He grabs three more mints from the tin, throwing one at Rantaro, hitting him on the side of his face and hands another across my lap to Shuuichi who lets him drop it into his open hand. Very courteously, he taps Ouma’s shoulder and passes him one by hand, telling him to use it later when we get there.

 

 

Now I’m really starting to think Akise might actually be flirting with me and I’m elated and horrified at myself at the same time. To fantasize is one thing, but to have him treating me like this, I really don’t know what to say. I try to focus on the music and scenery and yes, another joint is being passed around and it tastes amazing.

 

 

When I go to pass the second joint to Akise, he’s leaning all the way back in his seat, gently moving his head back and forth to the music with his eyes closed and the wind is messing up all of the hair sticking out of his beanie. His mouth is slightly open with his tongue visibly running slowly along the inner side of his bottom lip and I definitely think he looks like some kind of angelic marble statue come to life. I try to tell myself to ignore ALL of this and tap his leg to get his attention.

 

 

He opens his eyes slowly and looks at me sideways with his head tilted back and that’s when the psilocybin first starts to affect me. _Deeply affect me_. His face literally could not possibly be more beautiful than it is right now. I’m floored and abruptly having waves of synesthesia course through my whole body.

 

 

His sweet smell I’ve been noticing from the first day is imprinting the music and it’s almost more than I can take. My hand is still moving towards him and I feel my mouth opening and a completely unintentional gasp escapes from me at the sheer beauty flowing out of him right now.

 

 

He gives me a knowing smile and touches my fingers for what feels like an even longer moment than before when he takes the joint from me. He slowly lifts it to his lips while placing his opposite hand firmly on my thigh next to his, definitely higher than is appropriate, his thumb nearly brushing my hip. He takes a really long drag from the joint, the ash growing at least a centimeter as he inhales.

 

When he pulls it away from his mouth he leans right into me without warning and presses his lips to my mine, exhaling the smoke into my mouth. I’m helpless and melting against him sucking every last bit of the smoke into me. His lips feel even softer than I could have imagined them to be, and I feel like I’m fucking floating. Wave after wave of pure euphoria is washing over me and my guilt is nowhere to be found, instead it’s replaced with this pure feeling that everything is right as it should be.

 

 

After inhaling until I can barely stop myself from coughing into his mouth. He breaks away smiling at me and I slowly exhale, just staring at him in complete shock. He winks at me and I lean back and turn my head to the sky just breathless and feeling fucking amazing, barely noticing the impressed whistle Shuuichi is dedicating to us right now.

 

 

I watch the trees fly by slowly above us as the car winds between them and I honestly don’t know what to say or do. I just let the current of pleasant feelings keep washing over my whole body. The sky starts to resemble a shallow ocean, gentle waves of light moving across it above the trees.

 

 

Despite the fact that my face must be flushed from what just happened, everything feels perfectly beautiful right now and the music feels like it’s permeating my body. I feel like I can hear more arrangements than I ever noticed before and I sink into this discovery, closing my eyes and enjoying every track until we finally arrive at a beach. This beach is much flatter and bigger than the one near the campsite and it seems to go on and on for miles. The fresh air and sunlight start to feel like blessings imbuing my skin and I’ve never felt anything like this before in my life.

 

 

I’m grateful my first psychedelic trip is going so well, unlike some stories I’ve heard of people feeling paranoid or having terrifying hallucinations or vomiting. I know it’s mostly due to being in this beautiful place with good people but mostly because Akise is right next to me and he’s been nothing but kind and generous towards me.

 

 

I’m hyper aware of this now, seeing and feeling him outside of all of my hormonal sexual inclinations for a change. He is a good person, thoughtful and considerate towards me. Even though I wasn’t nearly prepared for what he did back there, I feel like it helped to set me off on a pretty incredible first experience with shrooming. Everything around me looks so vividly clear and every time I let my eyes rest on anything it appears to be covered in waves just like the sky earlier.

 

 

We park and I can hear Ouma saying that the mushrooms taste like actual garbage and I laugh watching him chug an entire grape soda between shots of his cough syrup. I’m not sure that’s the best idea but who knows, maybe Ouma will have the best trip out of all of us.

 

 

Amami and Shuuichi seem to be having giggling fits and when I look out their side of the car I can see a fucking huge herd of elk lying down and feeding in a large meadow separating the sandy beach from the woods. They’re so much bigger than what I thought they could be. I’ve never even seen elk before. It makes me inexplicably happy just to see them and I laugh at the fact that I’m finding them majestic because I’ve also never seriously called anything ‘majestic’ in my life either.

 

 

Even though I’ve been feeling so much more sincerely about Akise in this state, I’m still really embarrassed about earlier and have been pointedly not making eye contact with him since then. For the first time on this trip, I get out of the car on Shuuichi’s side instead of Akise’s and I know I have to say something soon so I don’t unintentionally make him feel bad about what he did to me. _Afterall, it’s not like I didn’t fucking enjoy every second of it._ I just can’t speak up in this state because I can tell I’m way too uninhibited emotionally right now. I touch my lips looking at the elk and the beach, feeling where his mouth was not too long ago wondering if that would have been considered a kiss.

 

 

 _“That wasn’t a kiss,”_ I suddenly hear Akise say quietly next to me and I half turn to see him smiling at me, the pinkish tips of his white hair blowing to one side of his face with the breeze. “I hope I didn’t scare you,” he continued even more softly, “I’m sorry if it was uncalled for, I just really wanted to do that with you in that moment.”

 

 

I hear an incredibly nervous laugh spilling out of my mouth and I half cover my face with my hand. I awkwardly tell him that it’s no big deal and that it was interesting. I don’t tell him that I loved it and would do it again in a heartbeat. _That I want to be the one breathing into him at some point._ Before I can start blushing like crazy I turn to start following the others towards a path leading between the elk meadow and the woods.

 

 

Before we go too far down the path we all stop to stare at the elk one more time. Much closer now, I can’t believe they’re so huge or that it’s ok to intrude on them like this. They’re just _peacefully existing_ and I feel so fortunate to be here.

 

 

Amami and Shuuichi are still finding the sight of them _way_ too funny and laughing together making jokes about trying to ride one and I can tell that the mushrooms are affecting us all slightly differently. Having not come up quite yet, Ouma continues to lead the way down the path and it becomes more wooded and shady, winding along next to a small stream. The sound of the water and the smell of the woods keep mixing in with the way everything looks so pretty and full of life.

 

 

I look behind me and pause to see Akise crouching down by the stream letting his fingers touch the water’s surface and he looks like he might be even more affected than I am in this beautiful place. Since he’s preoccupied and not looking directly at me I let myself stare at him, watching his expressions reflect the childlike wonder we’re both feeling right now.

 

 

Even if it wasn’t a real kiss, it was the first time someone had done that to me and I feel so lucky that it was him. After a little while, he gets up and starts walking towards me, smiling and flicking water off his fingers. The others are already almost out of view when he catches up to me and we both turn to follow them. We walk slowly side by side, sharing a cigarette and openly pointing out every single thing we think is “so beautiful” to each other.

 

 

“Yo get up here!” We hear Rantaro shout at us from further up the path where the woods have gotten impossibly thick and green. The path opens up and dissolves into a small and very shallow streambed. The water is running mostly between rather than over all the round smooth rocks littering the sandy ground.

 

 

The places that do have rivulets of water running through are barely a few inches deep or wide. What’s truly amazing though is the canyon itself with its lush green walls on either side of the narrow streambed. The walls are no more than a few hundred feet tall at the most, but they’re _utterly_ _covered in verdant ferns cascading down either side_.

 

 

The canyon stretches as far as I can see which isn’t too far because there are tons of absolutely giant trees that have fallen into it from above, in various positions and states of decay depending on how and when they fell here. Some are lying flat, but most of them have fallen in at angles with one end on the ground and the other leaning against the canyon walls, making a completely tangled maze ahead of us.

 

 

“Holy shit.” I say under my breath, astonished at how beautiful and fucking _magnificent_ the view is before me. I start to reach my psychedelic peak at this point so everything is practically glowing to me on an emotional level.

 

 

It appears Ouma has rapidly come up too because he’s under one particular fallen tree talking to the giant fungi growing along its underside. His eyes are so dilated and full of wonder that it’s actually adorable. Plus he thinks the fungi is talking to him. Shit, maybe it is, and only Ouma can hear them. I start laughing way too much at that thought and take a beer Amami is offering me from his backpack.

 

 

Shuuichi has climbed up one tangle of trees almost to the top of the canyon and Amami is calling up to him telling him not to fall off and die because it’d ruin our day and he would have to tell the Saihara family that their son died because he was a fucking idiot.

 

 

Akise is standing under a small waterfall that is coming down the rocks at one spot where the ferns are a little thinner. I walk over to him and stare up at it with him. We’re getting slightly misted by the water and I’m _loving_ my trip right now. The sunlight is making little rainbows in the mist and they look so vibrant and precious.

 

 

Akise still looks stunningly gorgeous through the haze of my euphoria. I’m loving all the overly interested faces he’s making at everything and how he keeps touching the ferns, rocks, moss and trees around him. It’s so different from how he’s been the last day, talking my ear off and making me so uncomfortable with his impulsive intensity.

 

 

I ask him for another cig and he gives me this beautiful smile telling me I can have one only if I share it with him. We decide to climb up some of the fallen trees to a ledge half way up the canyon wall and sit there watching the others tripping below.

 

 

Rantaro and Shuuichi are walking around stepping over the little rivulets holding hands while Ouma is having an elaborate one sided conversation with a frog in his hand sitting on top of a giant moss covered log. The weird thing is that the frog is not moving at all and seems to be staring intently at our little dictator.

 

 

“Are you enjoying yourself, Hinata-kun?” Akise asks me while handing me the cigarette. I look at him and cannot believe how fucking _gorgeous_ he looks right now and how much I want to reach out and touch his hair just to feel what it’s like.

 

 

Truthfully I want to touch him in all kinds of places and this is so forefront in my mind that I reach up and move his bangs away from his face. I think this surprises him because his eyes widen a bit and he laughs at me. His hair is _very_ soft but I pull my hand away knowing I’m already doing more than I should.

 

 

“Yeah, this is _fucking amazing_. Everything is glowing and perfect. I’m really happy.” I tell him truthfully, returning my gaze to everything around us. This seems to please him greatly and he tells me that he’s “very happy” to be here with me to experience all of this.

 

 

We climb back down and the four of us persuade Ouma to leave his frog behind and continue hiking into the canyon. It goes on and on for about a mile. The stream gets a little thicker and we have to walk across rocks and boards that have been placed down to follow the trail through several places. Occasionally we see other people hiking through but for the most part it feels like the five of us have escaped society entirely.

 

 

Because Ouma is having a completely different experience than the rest of us to the point of having active hallucinations, Amami and Shuuichi are on either side of him holding his hands. He reminds me of a small child walking around an amusement park with his parents, pointing at everything and having random exclamations of joy and wonder. The three of them walk in front of us and Akise and I laugh every time Ouma says or does anything really ridiculous. The other boys actually seem to be enjoying their babysitting; taking everything Ouma is telling them about with serious expressions and patting his head from time to time. All I know is that if he passes out again, I am certainly not going to be the one to carry him back to the car.

 

 

We finally reach the end of the trail and it’s physically impossible to walk any further through the canyon, but there’s a set of well maintained dirt and stone stairs leading up one side of the canyon and we climb them all the way to the top.

 

 

From up here we can see back to the ocean and we walk down another trail that’ll eventually lead us back to the beach. About half way there, the soil starts giving way to sand and we sit together in a clear sandy space surrounded by small hills covered in all kinds of flowers to eat lunch.

 

 

I had no idea that prior to making that awesome breakfast that Akise had packed up bentos for each of us. Looking around I notice that he’s made everyone’s differently to include the things that he somehow knows everyone likes. I also feel like I’m on the receiving end of some kind of special treatment because he’s made the two of us these delicious vegetable wrap things, and a salad that has roasted seeds, bits of a soft cheese and orange and yellow flower petals. Before I can ask, he tells me that the petals are from nasturtiums he found growing around the campsite and that they’re perfectly edible.

 

 

It’s like he not only knows how to make food taste good but look really special at the same time. If he’s intentionally trying to impress me, it’s totally working, but I have a feeling that this is how he goes about everything in his life from his appearance to his hobbies. I don’t know if it’s our mushroom trip which we’re gently coming down from or my own personal feelings, but the food tastes incredible and for the second time today I’m feeling so grateful for the care he takes with our meals. There’s even a thermos of hot tea to help the food go down and I feel unusually energized after we’re done eating. Again Akise is eating much less than the rest of us and I feel a little worried about this but not wanting to pry, I don’t say anything about it to him.

 

 

Ouma’s stopped talking to non-existent entities but none of us are certain that he’s fully back to normal so we’re all keeping a close eye on him during our little picnic. Shuuichi is of course rolling another joint again but he’s taken one of Akise’s cigarettes and made a spliff out of it. I hadn’t really had one of these before and the taste is completely different but not altogether unpleasant. It goes well with the salty breeze and my full stomach. Coming down off mushrooms turns out to be a really relaxing feeling too and I’m still seeing faint wavy patterns of in the sky and the sand, much light like how the surface of a swimming pool looks in bright sunlight.

 

 

Akise sitting is next to me, making good on his promise to make his brother and Shuuichi their crowns which are going to have a mix of green and purple flowers. I can see what he’s doing this time, but it still looks really complicated and I notice when he finds flowers in his pile that don’t quite match with the color scheme he’s going for, he puts it aside into two smaller piles. Rantaro’s is mostly purple flowers with some green mixed in and Shuuuichi’s is just the opposite.

 

 

They actually look really good, and Akise makes them pose for at least a couple of photos much to Rantaro’s embarrassment. Not like they’re embarrassed to have the crowns, but Amami seems to hate having his picture taken even though both he and Saihara look super cute right now. Akise of course knows this and is laughing, getting a kick out of tormenting his brother with this.

 

 

With the smaller piles, he’s made two tiny bouquet things, one dark and one light. He puts the lighter one behind his ear and it contrasts against his black beanie, and he places the darker one in my shirt pocket, contrasting against white. Why I am taking note of all of these things, I have no idea. I want to say it’s the drugs but somewhere deep inside I know that I want to watch everything he does because it makes me happy. Ouma’s still too far gone to realize or care that he’s the one being left out this time. I look down at the thing Akise’s put in my shirt pocket and feel touched again at his creativity and kindness.

 

 

We get back on the path to the beach and decide to take another break there, all stripping our shoes and shirts off leaving them in a pile with our backpacks in the sand. Before taking off my shirt, I take the little bouquet Akise made me and following his example I put it behind my ear even though I’m wondering if I look ridiculous. Akise is pretty and has long white hair so he can get away with all kinds of things. Me on the other hand, well there’s no way it’s going to look right next to my short brown hair, but I definitely don’t want to lose the thing that he made me or risk it getting crushed.

 

 

Ouma’s starting to get his shit together again and joining in conversations a lot more normally. When we tell him how he was acting he doesn’t believe us or seem to remember a god damn thing which I think is hilarious. I feel like we should have taken at least a couple videos of him and Shuuichi winks at me partially covering his mouth so as to not alert Ouma, saying that he did indeed take several videos of him acting “super silly” in the canyon.

 

 

With the come down, my guilty feelings seem to be seeping in as well and at the mention of secret videos I definitely feel like a sleazy scumbag for secretly taking a few short videos of Akise while he was immersed in his trip back in the canyon, staring at things and touching them. Plus another one of him walking with his arms out balancing his graceful way across a log over the stream. I even got a really good photo of him staring up at the waterfall with the mist falling all around him. I literally can’t believe how my feelings and attraction towards him have plainly blown away what I always thought was an internal moral values system. This is probably why coveting is considered a sin.

 

 

Akise and I end up sitting together with our pants rolled up near the water letting the tide wash half way up our legs in the sun. He smiles and touches the flowers tucked behind my ear. This is the first time I’m seeing him without his shirt on and my suspicions about his rather unhealthy eating habits feel confirmed because I can see his ribs and hip bones somewhat protruding along his figure.

 

 

Nevertheless, he looks fine as hell and I keep biting my lip almost every time I look at him. His skin is perfectly smooth looking and while incredibly fair skinned, it’s not a sickly kind of pale. I can see that every part of him is longer and notably narrower compared to me. Despite his age, he doesn’t seem to have any body hair anywhere either, which is ridiculous to me. I want to know more about this. I haven’t wanted to touch him as much as I do now, and that’s coming from a place of constantly wanting to touch him so I know that I’m fully doomed now.

 

 

There is one thing rather disturbing though. He has a giant scar in the middle of his upper stomach. He’s got another deep one in the palm of his right hand which I’m surprised I haven’t noticed until now. There’s also a pretty bad one wrapping all the way around his left forearm and I’m wondering what the hell caused all of them. However, I refrain from asking because I don’t want to do anything to possibly ruin this day or make him feel self conscious. Even with these tragic looking scars, I still think he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.

 

 

 I keep thinking that this has been the single most incredible day in my life and I try really hard not to stare at him but I’m failing and I know it. I wish I could go back to fully tripping, where Manami had completely left my thoughts for a few short hours. It’s so weird to me that the mushrooms made everything feel so right instead of the familiar wrongness regarding my feelings, which I admit are somewhere slightly beyond simple attraction at this point.

 

 

I recall my blow job fantasy from last night and find a new layer of guilt creeping into my heart. Somehow I can’t help but feel that he deserves so much more than that from me with all that he’s done for me the past couple days. Staring out at the sea, I still can’t believe he would have forgone that beautiful experience earlier if I had asked him to as he said yesterday right after we first met.

 

 

We both take note that Amami and Saihara haven’t run off without Ouma at all today, and even though Ouma is pretty much back to normal, the three of them are still holding hands walking in the shallow water down the beach from us. This time however, Rantaro is in the middle and we can hear them all laughing together even from here.

 

 

Akise is back to his exuberantly blunt self, telling me all kinds of things about how polyamory differs from monogamy. Genuinely interested, I ask him what kind of relationships he prefers and looking me directly in the eye he tells me that while he has the utmost respect for other people’s relationships that he couldn’t see himself in anything but a monogamous relationship.

 

 

I really don’t get it but this makes me both really happy and really depressed at the same time. Happy to know this new side of him and depressed because I know I’m _in_ a monogamous relationship with Manami, without whom I _never_ would have even gotten to know this fucking perfect person sitting next to me.

 

 

When the others come back, they’re all sand covered and smiling. Rantaro’s  carrying Ouma on his back, who now happens to be wearing Amami’s crown that is a little too big for him and sitting on his head at an angle. They all seem really happy, especially Ouma who is grinning a bunch with his arms wrapped around Rantaro and even I know something has changed between the three of them compared to yesterday.

 

 

Somewhere deep inside me I feel a sick kind of jealousy towards their apparent happiness. It hits me that in my current relationship, none of the things I’ve seen in two short days would ever pass between myself and Manami and I’m disappointed at the complacency and sheer lack of vivacity I’ve accepted in my life until now.

 

 

I glance over at Akise as we all walk down the beach back to the jeep and feel my heart ache, it sharply contrasts the usual lust driven feelings that have been plaguing me since I met him. It was only yesterday, but our time together feels so much longer with everything we’ve done together since then. I find myself again strangely feeling both happy and sad, but this time over the fact that there’s only one more day left in our trip before we go home tomorrow night. I’m super excited for tomorrow but I also feel like I never want this to end. One thing I know for sure is that I’m so fucking grateful that I was able to tag along on this camping trip.

 

 

As we approach the dirt parking lot where a very dusty Panta-san is waiting for us, I notice Akise bending over a prehistoric looking plant that has long thick pointed ‘leaves’ that have spines along the edges. He’s breaking one off and bringing it with him towards the car. Is he going to cook that later? I smile to myself. Whatever he’s going to do with it, I’m sure it’ll be something clever.

 

 

Shuuichi kindly offers to sit in the middle on the way back since his “legs are the shortest,” and both Akise and I practically say in unison that it’s ok, he doesn’t have to do that. I look at Akise wondering why he has anything to do with that decision then immediately back to Saihara. Shuuichi is just grinning at me with one eyebrow up then turns around and climbs into the same seat he’s been sitting in for the last two days so I have to climb in from Akise’s side.

 

 

I feel both of my cheeks getting hot knowing that shrewd little brat has just cunningly gotten me back for my question during ‘never have I ever’ last night. I don’t know if I should thank him or kick him for this. On one hand I know Akise wants me there next to him but now Akise also knows I want the same thing. I’m leaning towards kicking Saihara, but I settle for glaring at him a couple times even though he’s kindly offering me like the millionth joint on this trip as we make our way back to the campsite.

 

 

When we get there, we’re all grimy and sandy as fuck so we all decide to take showers before deciding what to do about dinner tonight. The showers only have two stalls so we decide to take turns with me and Akise going first.

 

 

I’m definitely as nervous about this as I was yesterday, but luckily the shower stalls seem to hide everything between our shoulders and knees from each other so I calm down a fuck-ton upon seeing this. Knowing Akise’s nature, I know he probably wouldn’t peek at me, but that’s not the thing I’ve been so nervous about. Of course the mental image I was jacking off to last night keeps flitting through my mind, but at least I don’t have to see him bathing which would definitely cause my body to involuntarily react in the most embarrassing way possible.

 

 

I laugh to myself under the hot water thinking even het guys would get a boner if they saw Akise naked. Then I laugh again because I’m thinking this without actually having _seen_ Akise naked.

 

 

Akise turns to me and our eyes meet for the first time since we got in here and he asks me why I’m laughing. All I can think of to say is _“I’m dumb,”_ and I feel so stupid for always being so idiotically honest. He laughs at me and goes back to rinsing out his hair and while he has his eyes closed under the water I stare at him like I’ve been doing the past two days whenever I know he can’t see me.

 

His hair is always like a fucking cloud floating all around his head, but now it’s all pressed down by the water and off of his face, and not lying to myself, he looks so fucking hot like this. I tear my eyes away prematurely at that thought because even though I can’t see his full body, knowing he’s naked on the other side of a very thin wall looking like _that_ from the neck up has me feeling more than a little flustered and the pit of my lower stomach is doing something I can’t afford to entertain at all since we’re practically done in here. I tell him thank you for the towel and dry myself off almost too roughly, internally begging my gay thoughts to just stop chasing me already.

 

 

I’m putting my shoes back on sitting on the tiny bench outside the shower stalls when Akise steps out of his stall in nothing but his tiny towel around his waist. It’s not like he’s hard or anything but there’s literally nothing to disguise the lump in the towel _right there_ and I immediately turn my head the other way. Again he laughs at me without saying anything and I can hear him shuffling his clothing right next to me having absolutely no qualms about being naked less than two feet away from me.

 

It doesn’t help when the thought that from where I’m seated, his dick is pretty much at eye level if I turned around. I feel him touch my shoulder and instead of turning to him, my body automatically jerks at his touch and I’m squinting my eyes shut just in case. I know I look like a complete moron but _fuck_ , this is the best way I know how to treat him with the respect I want to right now. I feel a sharp flick right in the middle of my forehead causing me to open my eyes and he’s standing in front of me, already fully clothed to my surprise.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, I didn’t realize you were such a prude. Or could it be that something about my body disgusts you?” I try really hard not to roll my eyes at his intentionally exasperating choice of words and tell him of course it’s not that. Honestly, I really can’t tell if he just has terrible self esteem or if he deliberately wants to make me refute him.

 

 

He goes on, making me feel even stupider, “Well then if you are quite done, could you please get up so I can sit there to put _my_ shoes on?” God, of course that’s the only reason he’s trying to talk to me right now. I should have got up and left as soon as I had my shoes on but I just sat there because I was so shocked at him just walking out of his stall like that.

 

 

I step out into the cool air looking up at bright pink clouds that mean the sun is just about to set, and when Akise comes out a minute later, I impulsively ask him if he wants to go watch the sunset with me. I’ve never actually seen the sun set over the ocean before so it’s something I want to experience at least once in my life. We missed it yesterday due to setting up the camp and tomorrow we’ll likely get on the road back home before it gets dark so this is really our only chance. I know right then that it’s something I want to share with him. I think he’s clever enough to put all this together on his own too, and his eyes light up when he realizes this is something new for me which always seems to get him excited. I love this side of him even though I found it completely odd just yesterday. He asks me to go back to the campsite with him quickly though because he needs my help with “one small thing” there.

 

 

When we get back, I see the other three boys taking all of their shower stuff with them towards the bathroom. Akise and I look at each other and smile, kind of shaking our heads at them because they’re just being incredibly transparent now. Given what we heard from their tent last night I’m almost sure all three of them are going to share a single stall and take a while coming back. Suddenly I’m a little grossed out and thankful that we had gone first before they could wreck the shower stalls. Akise laughs at my expression and I can tell he’s having similar thoughts.

 

 

“At least we’ll have some peace and quiet for a little while.” He smirks at me and I realize that there is literally never peace and quiet when Rantaro and Shuuichi are around each other because they’re always being such loud brats together. This is something Akise must’ve known his whole life since they all grew up together.

 

 

We drop our things into the tent and go back to the picnic table where to my surprise, Akise unbuttons and takes his shirt off. I’m really confused and not sure what to expect and I can tell he’s _enjoying this_ , messing with me. Obviously it’s mostly my fault for showing him repeatedly over the last couple days _exactly_ how he can fluster me.  Plus, thanks to Saihara, he knows for a fact that I prefer feeling his body next to mine instead of having room to stretch my legs out in the car, which I have no doubt is fueling this side of him that I should have honestly expected by this point. He’s silently looking at me turn redder and redder for way too long, just waiting until I’m the one to break the silence.

 

 

“Akise, wha-“ He’s grabbed that weird plant thing from earlier and cuts me off waving it in front of my confused face.  I give him an annoyed look and he smiles at me.

 

 

“I need you to put this on my back, I got a sunburn. He turns around tying his hair up for me and I probably would have noticed this if I hadn’t been such an awkward horny baby in the bathroom earlier. His skin is all red along his shoulders and back and immediately I actually start to feel bad for him, but I’m still not sure what I should do with the weird looking plant part. He turns back to face me, breaking a piece of the leaf off, carefully peeling the skin off to reveal a wet and squishy green inner part. He looks at me gently now and explains, “this is what aloe vera looks like when it’s not coming out of a commercial squirt bottle filled with chemicals and dyes to make it look like Shrek’s cum.”

 

 

He’s made me laugh now, purposely softening my anger for me. I probably wouldn’t have been able to forgive him if he had looked at me like I was stupid and I’m almost certain he knows this. It’s almost like he knows exactly how to turn it down before I actually get mad and somehow I find that particularly annoying. With the way I’ve been feeling, I’m sure I’m also at his mercy for whatever and he probably knows this too.

 

 

He explains that I need to rub it gently over the burned area, so I do, and I literally can’t handle this either which is probably fucking delighting him. How can he be so irritating and attractive to me at the same time? He was so different when we were tripping in the canyon earlier. It’s not like I want him to be anyone besides who he is but god damn can’t he just be quiet and nice to me _sometimes_? It’s like he thoroughly enjoys pushing me until I can barely stand it. Plus I want him so much that I can hardly take it anymore.

 

 

I’m sure I’m only scratching the surface of Akise too. I’ve only known him for two days, so there’s guaranteed to be other parts of him that I have yet to experience. Somehow this thought along with the warmth of his skin under my fingers makes me think about inappropriate things and the aloe goes flying out of my hand into the ashy fire pit before I’m done getting even half of his back.  Too deftly, he hands me another piece over his shoulder like he was expecting this or something. I click my tongue at him and keep going until it’s all done and I’m sure I look like a fucking tomato because this is the longest and most I’ve touched his bare skin. He throws his shirt and jacket back on and he fucking grabs my hand and leads me _running_ through the woods to get to the cliffs in time to see the sunset.

 

 

The trees along the path are flying by us as we’re running and he doesn’t let go of my hand the entire way there. He also didn’t bother to button his shirt back up before grabbing me, and in the fading light I can see his _lovely_ hips whenever his jacket moves the right way.  None of this is helping the heat in my face fade at all. We slow down a bit as the trees thin out giving way to the cliff tops which are covered in tall green grasses. We’re at a walking pace and I’m still behind him, letting him hold my hand and lead me. I start to think that all of this is a pretty good metaphor for whatever relationship if any I have with him at this point.

 

 

When we reach the edge he lets go of my hand and the view is spectacular. We’re several hundred feet above the waves that are crashing into huge rocks below us in loud displays of raw nature. In front of us, the ocean is stretching in all directions, turning a dark blue as the sun is sinking below the horizon straight ahead. The sky is red along the horizon and there’s a gradient fading upwards from there into orange, then yellow and that is where the daylight ends. The sky behind us is already turning dark and stars are starting to become visible in that direction. The clouds in the distance have started to lose their electric pink shades that I had seen earlier, instead looking like dark gray shadows against the sky.

 

 

The breeze here is so fresh, and it’s pleasantly cooling me off from our run. The sun looks like it’s melting into the ocean and I’m feeling really fortunate that we made it in time to see it. I can’t stop staring at the sea with all the colors of the sunset reflected off the sparkling water. _How did I go my whole life without experiencing something as simple and enormous as the fucking ocean?_

 

Suddenly I feel Akise throw his arms around my shoulders from behind and he’s resting his chin on me next to my ear. I can easily smell him like this, and I hate how much I love it. He’s still got his ponytail in from earlier so I’m not getting the full effect of being whipped in the face by his wild hair like last night, but I can still feel how soft it is against me. He’s got his bare chest flush against my back too and I’m trying my hardest to act indifferent like all of this is normal.

 

 

I’m just standing there stiffly in his embrace because god only knows what he’s up to, and god also knows that I’m fucking desperate for whatever it might be. He’s got my heart pounding intensely again, and I wonder if he has _any_ empathy at all for what he’s putting me through. In what I’m learning is his god damn specialty, he lets the silence drag out until it nearly becomes awkward before speaking, still not letting me go and even squeezing me a little tighter.

 

 

“Do you like it, Hinata-kun?” He breathes this into my ear knowing that I’m going to have some kind of uncontrollable reaction like the shudder my body’s doing in his arms right now. Of course he doesn’t specify whether he’s talking about the view or the fact that he’s hugging me _again_ without warning. I’m so paralyzed by the fear and anticipation of what might happen next (no matter what it is) that I physically can’t turn my head towards him to reply.

 

 

“It’s beautiful.” There. How do _you_ like it? I don’t specify what I’m talking about either. He chuckles next to my ear saying “That’s wonderful” which could ambiguously mean about twelve different things the way this conversation is going. He gently drags his hands across my chest as he lets me go, and he sits down next to me with his feet dangling over the side of the cliff. It looks dangerous where he’s sitting, but his shirt is still open and he looks like he’s modeling for a fucking photo shoot right now. He looks up at me smiling for a moment until he pulls his jacket hood up over his head even though he’s still choosing to leave his shirt unbuttoned. _There’s no way in hell that he doesn’t know_ exactly _how good he looks right now._

 

 

“Come sit with me, Hinata-kun.” He’s patting the empty space on the ground next to him turning his head back at me. He’s too beautiful, it’s _really_ not fair. I lower myself next to him and put my feet out over the edge as well. It’s kind of terrifying but it feels exhilarating at the same time. Like we’d both die if there was an earthquake right now, or if someone pushed us from behind. But no one is around, it’s just us here.

 

 

From the corner of my eye I can tell he’s watching me. I lean back onto my arms, staring out at the sunset, still grateful that he’s here with me even if he makes me feel frustrated more often than not. He turns to me smiling and pulls a joint and a lighter out of his shirt pocket. I can tell it’s rolled differently than the ones Saihara’s been making for us the past couple days. It’s thinner and less lumpy. I watch him light it and take the first drag. The smoke flies away with the breeze and it smells like weed but also…like there’s something else in it that I don’t recognize. It smells almost like a cake baking in an oven. I go to reach for it, thinking it’s my turn, but he pulls it back smiling at me.

 

 

“I brought this one from home.” He says, smiling at me while he exhales. He visibly looks like he’s trying to decide something, and I just raise my eyebrows a little waiting for him to go on. “Do you remember what we did in the car on the way to the canyon this morning?” _Jesus christ, how could I forget?_

_“You mean the non-kiss?”_ I’m actually smiling right now and he nods laughing.

 

 

“We should do that again…but Hinata-kun, it’s _really_ not _a kiss_. It’s just the best way to get the most out of this. This is marijuana mixed with opium.” My jaw kind of drops because what the fuck. First, who says _marijuana_ and more importantly, where on earth do you get _opium_? I laugh at him trying to hide my nerves and tell him that it sounds like fun.

 

 

I sit up, scooting a bit away from the cliff edge and turn my body to face him. He turns to face me, politely saying ‘Pardon me” as he fucking moves to sit between my legs, facing me putting his legs on either side of me. It’s not like his legs are wrapped around me but we’re so close to each other like this and I’d probably die if he so much as squeezed me between his thighs.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, I want you to pass it back and I’ll pass it back to you each time, ok” He winks at me, with the joint in one hand and wraps his other arm around my neck. _Fuck_. I’m imagining the dates on my gravestone ending with today, watching him slowly drag the joint and he’s looking at me the whole time with that beautiful sunset behind him. I anxiously lick my lips and swallow because I’m actually almost drooling over this shit.

 

 

For the second time today, he presses his lips to my open mouth and I inhale the smoke he’s blowing into me. I know it’s not a kiss, but my hands are moving on their own to the sides of his waist between my thighs. When the hit fills my lungs as far as it’ll go I accidently grip his bare sides and start exhaling it back into him. He closes his eyes that have been locked with mine this whole time, presses his soft lips even harder against mine and takes everything I’m breathing out deeply into him.

 

 

He puts his hand holding the joint over my other shoulder and fucking hugs me as he breathes the smoke back to me again. I’m almost losing my shit when he finishes and pulls away still keeping his arms around me. After holding it in a bit, I exhale into the breeze and he’s only a few inches from my face smiling at me. I know I’m blushing like crazy and I’m almost 100% sure he’s _loving_ how he provokes me like this. I can’t help but cough a little to the side and I’m starting to feel a little numb and tingly in the tips of my fingers and toes.

 

 

“Do you like it?” he asks me in a whisper with his head slightly down, looking up at me through his lashes. Does he know how much I love when he does that too? Fuck. I’m trying with every bit of free will I have left to not grab him and pull him even closer to me. I lower my eyes biting my lip.

 

 

“Yes. Keep going.” I tell him in a very quiet and very nervous voice. He leans in to the side of my face again to reach his hand that’s holding the joint on my shoulder in his embrace. His face is so fucking soft I can’t believe it. His skin is definitely much cooler than mine and I start to wonder how the hell he can be so calm right now. I can hear him taking another long drag and he moves back facing me, this time leaning against my forehead locking eyes with me for a moment before closing his eyes and finding my lips again. I don’t know what a kiss is anyway and I know I’m arguably letting him toy with all of my emotions right now but I really don’t care.

 

 

He’s breathing the smoke into me again, and almost unconsciously, I feel my fingers loosen and run the tips of my fingers up the sides of his back a little. I’m starting to feel very light headed and my thoughts are somehow becoming waves of imagery rather than words. I’m breathing it back to him, still gently stroking his back. He’s still gripping me, arms around my neck with his eyes closed and everything is starting to feel really fucking good.

 

 

Behind his unreasonably fluffy hair, the colors of the sunset are becoming even more intense, blurring into each other and it’s so fucking pretty. The thought of wanting to take a bite of the sky flits through my mind and I realize then that I’m getting perplexingly high, but I can’t say anything about it because he’s holding me tightly and breathing back into me. I can’t help it, I keep sucking on his mouth even though he’s exhaled completely with no breath left to give me. He pulls himself away laughing at me and I know he’s mocking me, but I fucking love the sound of his laugh more than I can explain right now.

 

 

“I love your laugh.” I impulsively tell him even though I wouldn’t normally blurt out my thoughts like that, and my body is feeling so light and floaty that I really couldn’t have held that in if I wanted to. He smiles at me taking his hand with the joint off of around my shoulders moving the joint to my mouth.

 

 

“You shouldn’t say such nice things to someone like me, Hinata-kun. You go first this time.” _Oh my god_. I am not ready for this. To be initiating the non-kiss part of his little game, but as expected, Akise doesn’t give me time to think about it.

 

 

The sky is darkening all around us now and he’s pressing his soft fingertips holding the joint against my lips letting me hit it for the first time. He’s staring down at my lips against his fingers with a smile and I tell myself for the hundredth time since I met him that it should be illegal for someone to be this attractive. What we’re currently doing is technically illegal too, and I want to laugh but now’s definitely not the time. He takes the joint away, but instead of moving closer to me, he puts both of his arms behind him leaning back into the grass on his elbows.

 

 

“Come here, Hinata-kun.” He’s lying back, his shirt and jacket hanging off his shoulder, practically topless with his legs still on either side of my waist. _Oh my god_. I can feel myself unavoidably starting to get slightly hard and my lungs are starting to burn from holding in the hit that he gave me. _Fuck this guy, seriously._

 

 

I’m not flexible enough to bend forward to him while sitting, but there’s no way I’m going to let him down now so I move out from between his legs and nervously straddle him, _definitely_ being careful to not actually sit on him. I lower myself with my hands on the ground on either side of him. I thought briefly about holding his arms down but this is already too fucking much and I know it. He’s tilting his head back, looking up at me, waiting for me and I briefly look over him at the ocean where the sun’s completely disappeared leaving only the fading colors in the sky behind it.

 

 

I look back down at him, not being able to control my growing hard on or the blush coloring my entire face by now and press my lips to his open mouth, finally letting the burning smoke out into him. I can’t even wait for him to pass it back before turning my head to cough a few times.

 

 

 

He’s made me feel so fucking undignified at this point, but at the same, I very honestly could care less, I turn back to him and he meets my lips again giving the hit back to me. I’ve lost count of how many non-kisses there’s been at this point but I know I’m never going to forget what I’m sure he would call a ‘non-erotic experience’ for the rest of my life. I stay hovered over him letting him breathe it back to me, and me back to him before he lets it out into the breeze that’s become colder and somewhat more intense since we first got here.

 

 

Looking down at him I really start to wonder how much of all of this he fucking plans ahead of time. Like if he purposely left his shirt open like that. Like how he magically had this opium joint that we “ _could get more out of like this_.”

 

 

He fully lays back into the grass while holding the joint up to my lips for the last drag. I’m worried about burning his fingertips but he pulls his hand away before it gets to that point, flicking it over the edge of the cliff behind him. He puts both of his arms around my neck again and fucking pulls me down to him and I’m trying my best not to just fall onto him as our lips connect again. I can feel our chests touching as the smoke leaves, flowing smoothly into him. _Non-kiss, non-erotic my fucking ass, Akise_.

 

 

I’ve dropped down with my elbows on either side of his head and we stay like that, with his arms still around me passing the smoke back and forth between us. He starts to lightly massage his fingers through my hair with one hand and he wraps his other arm around my back, gripping the back of my shirt. _Jesus Christ_.

 

 

My boner _has_ to be visible by now and I’m trying to think of all kinds of _unappealing shit_ to make it go away. Disgustingly, I remember Akise’s description of the store bought aloe vera and go with Shrek for a while. But honestly I can’t help but feel how his mouth is on mine right now and I know he can feel me pathetically whimpering into our breathing.

 

 

We exchange the smoke several times, even more than we have yet and I’m entirely sure at this point that there isn’t even any smoke left and we’re just breathing into each other. When I feel like I’m absolutely suffocating I pull away from him and there’s a string of saliva between our lips that breaks in the wind as I sit up over him. My whole body feels like it’s on fire with everything I wish I could do to him right now and I’m guessing it shows because he’s covering his mouth and laughing at me again.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, you really shouldn’t get so excited about trash like me. I’m such scum you have no idea. You don’t know me at all.” I’m sitting up but still not low enough to touch him, he looks so fucking gorgeous below me in the now twilight painted world.

 

 

This entire opium induced plane is hued gray and blue as the sky becomes darker and darker. It feels ethereal and unreal, this state we’ve entered. _Together_. My mind is becoming filled with the beauty of this moment and I think that whatever was in that joint is _definitely_ getting to me.

 

 

His body looks like a fucking sculpture below me with only the light in his eyes suggesting otherwise. I know from this angle he can fully see my erection and possibly my blushing and I honestly have _no_ control over either right now.

 

 

“Why do you say that?’ I really don’t understand how he can just tell me that after everything that just happened. And he thinks he’s a scumbag? Well he _has_ been fucking infuriating ever since he came down off the mushrooms and we showered. He’s done nothing but tease and provoke me since then.

 

 

Suddenly I realize that I’ve had more emotional and _fucking physical contact_ with him than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel something like pain deep inside my chest and I know it’s doing something to my face. _Oh god, am I crying what the fuck_. I’m so pissed at him and at the same time I’m fucking addicted to him at this point.

 

 

I see his eyes widen at whatever my face is doing, giving away this split second of _fucking longing_. His arms are moving before I can say or do _anything_ , and he fucking grabs my belt loops at my hips and pulls me right down onto his chest. My boner is right in front of his face, bulging against my jeans. I’m so fucking embarrassed, and him doing this is turning me on like crazy. I literally hate him right now. But at the same time, I know I’m not going anywhere.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” He’s looking right up at my face, ignoring my obvious erection directly in front of him. “I’m so glad I met you.” He’s sincerely smiling up at me and then he starts laughing way too loud and way too much. I realize he is annoying as hell like this and I get up. I turn around from him and start walking back down the path towards the campsite not wanting to look at him at all. _Fucking bastard. Why is he like this? Why does he do these things to me?_

“Hinata-kun?” I hear him say quietly from behind me. He’s caught up to me and I turn to my side to see that he’s finally buttoned his shirt up as he moves to walk beside me on the darkening path.

 

 

I know I look like a fucking baby right now, practically marching away with my hands balled up at my sides. I give him an exasperated look without replying to him. He decides on his own to go on, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to anger you.” _Yeah right, asshole._ I’m not even giving him the opportunity to make eye contact at this point. I’m still a mess of trying to figure out how he can so easily get under my skin and how easily I just fucking let him do it. _Also I have a boyfriend right now, and I’m the one who’s fucking scum, ok._

He doesn’t say another word about it on the walk back and I’m such a mess but I try to look normal as we approach the others who are sitting around the picnic table with wet hair and their towels still around their necks. They all have half empty beer bottles in their hands and they’re talking about where we should go for dinner instead of cooking since it’s getting late and we’ve all had a long day. I ask Shuuichi for a beer and he reaches into the ice chest to get one for me.

 

 

“You can chug it or take it with us because we’re all starving.” He says with a wink, handing me the beer then turning to the other boys and smirking at them. Their cheerfulness is rubbing off on me and I decide to chug the beer and ask for another one for the ride. Saihara kind of raises his eyebrow at me but then he smiles and hands me another one telling me I’m “brutal.”

 

 

When we climb into the jeep to leave, I let Shuuichi climb up into his regular seat without making a fuss to distance myself from Akise because I don’t want to create any drama, perceived or otherwise.  Akise climbs in after me and our thighs are touching again but this is the first time on this trip that I wish I could separate myself from him.

 

 

We’re driving through the campground when I notice out of the corner of my eye that Akise has his head back looking up out of the jeep at this giant rock we’re curving around on the road. I start to worry that I’ve hurt his feelings or worse, that he can’t handle all the drugs we’ve taken today and that there might be something really wrong with him. I’m about to ask him if he’s all right, leaning my head towards him when he suddenly turns to me with his head still back looking totally fine and smiling huge at me. He points up at the rock outside his window.

 

 

“I’m going to take you up there someday.” What the hell does that mean? One, _why_ would I want to go anywhere with him again after what he put me through earlier? Secondly, what does _someday_ mean? We’re leaving tomorrow and I’m not trying to play any more of his fucked up games.

 

 

I notice that Rantaro has turned around in his seat, giving his brother a _very_ sharp glare. Looking back at Akise, I catch the tail end of his smirk directed right at Amami before he goes back to staring out the window. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I don’t really care so I just drink my beer watching the dark trees towering over us on the road.

 

 

We drive a little while south on the highway with the water on our right, and it gives me an excuse to stare out Shuuichi’s side even though I’m not really focusing on the scenery right now. I keep thinking about what happened to us on the cliffs and I know my body is still affected by the mixed joint we shared. _God, and_ how _we shared it_. I find myself unintentionally chugging this beer as well, which might be an awful idea considering everything else in my system.

 

 

We pull off into a small town and drive to a local brewery-restaurant. We decide to hotbox in the parking lot before excitedly making our way into the restaurant smelling like dank.  The hostess doesn’t bat an eye at the way we smell and Ouma’s of course acted as our little leader, informing her that we’d like to sit upstairs. She seats us near a window in a booth seat.

 

 

We order several pizzas to share, me fucking having to sit next to Akise “since neither of us eat meat.” Anyway, it’s not like the other boys are trying to sit apart from each other right now.  Across the table from between the other two boys, Ouma tells us that tomorrow we’re going to hike down to a cove south of the campsite and I’m genuinely excited to see more awesome places and the ocean one last time before we leave.

 

 

The three of us apart from Akise are all still minors, so he orders a sampler tray dividing them up between us to sip whenever the server goes back downstairs. This, on top of the beers I’ve already had are mixing in my system with both the opium and the weed and even though I was so angry earlier, I start to chat with Akise again. He did say he was sorry back there. I highly doubt he’s going to stop pulling shit but I definitely don’t want to appear distressed in front of the others since they’ve been having such a good time.

 

 

Akise acts genial enough and I start to wonder whether it’s an act for the other boys or if he’s actually sorry. With the change in his behavior towards me, I start to feel that same unnecessary pain in my chest from earlier. I’m angry with myself and feeling so guilty thinking of Manami. Even though I haven’t done anything with him. No. _That’s a lie. There’s no way what I did today with Akise wasn’t cheating_. Whatever this feeling is, it’ll go away. I need to remember he’s a creep who’s annoying as hell. Who also drives me fucking wild in a purely hormonal way. _Jesus I am so fucked up_.

 

 

After we’re done eating, Akise says he’s going to the restroom. He says that same fucking “Pardon me” from earlier as he had me get up to let him out of the booth. As he passed me, he smiled at me, and I found myself inadvertently smiling back hazily realizing I was more than buzzed at this point.

 

 

I returned to sitting across from the other boys where Ouma was half way passing out against Shuuichi’s shoulder. Akise’s “Pardon me” was still fresh in my mind and all I could think about was that how he initiated that shit earlier on the cliffs, saying that exact phrase while moving to fucking straddle me. Then everything he did after. _Why the fuck am I smiling to myself right now_?

 

 

I notice Rantaro giving Shuuichi a kiss on the cheek before telling him to take Ouma to the jeep. That he’ll meet us there after using the restroom. Shuuichi looks at Ouma, then at me and I’m shaking my head because I know that for the second time on this trip I have to carry Ouma somewhere because he’s dead asleep. It’s actually really embarrassing to be carrying what looks like a 12 year old through a crowded restaurant and this is primarily where my disdain for Ouma comes from.

 

 

“Thanks, Hinata-kun.” Shuuichi says apologetically to me as he unlocks the jeep and I put Ouma into the backseat, who promptly slips sideways to lay across the middle seat, snoring. “He looks so adorable like this. Poor guy, I think we wore him out today.” I raise my eyebrows at this remembering how they all went to shower together even though there weren’t enough stalls for all of them. Catching my expression, Shuuichi speaks brokenly due to an overlapping string of nervous laughs, “The hiking and shit…uh you know…everything…since this morning…must have worn him out…ahaa”

 

Why are they being so closeted about what’s going on here. It’s so fucking obvious. I’m so faded that I almost blurt this thought out, when Rantaro comes storming back ignoring both of us, and gets in on the other side of Ouma, slamming his door. He does however, look down at Ouma and I see him pull the smaller boy’s upper half onto his lap to rest. Shuiichi climbs in on the side we had shoved Ouma into and puts his arm across the purple haired boy, reaching over to Rantaro, who takes his hand in his. This is all I see before Shuuichi closes his door as well.

 

 

I’m wondering what the hell that was all about when Akise startles me, taking Ouma’s keys from my hand walking straight to the driver’s side. Before he can touch the door handle, I physically turn him around, holding his shoulders and ask him what the hell happened to his face.

 

 

“I had a little disagreement with my brother. It’s nothing to worry about, get in the car, Hinata-kun.” His lip is fucking busted, bleeding down his chin and his lips are turning purple with bruising.

 

 

“Rantaro _punched_ you?” I’m shocked, pretty sure my mouth is fairly gaping, staring at him. What the fuck was this argument about? I want to ask him, but he’s already told me it’s nothing.

 

 

“That’s quite obvious, don’t you think? Please get in the car, Hinata-kun.” I physically let him go, but I can’t stop staring at this blood coming out of his lip.

 

 

“At least let me help you clean that up, your whole chin is covered in blood and you look like a god damn vampire right now.” He chuckes at this and I take his unoffered hand, dragging him to the back of the jeep, where I open the tail gate telling him to sit on it, pushing him against it. I’m reaching into the back to grab the first aid kit that I had seen there earlier when we were unpacking the camping stuff. I’m opening the box when suddenly Akise grabs my hand to stop me.

 

 

“What the hell?” I look at him probably more angrily than I mean to because I’m fucking shaking right now. _Why is he bleeding and what the hell happened between them?_

“Hinata-kun, you don’t have to do this for someone like me.” I’m flashing back to his speech on the cliffs, looking at him like he’s a complete idiot. Which I’m pretty sure he is.

 

 

“Right, you’re scum and no one should do anything to help ‘ _someone like you_ ’  Do you know how fucking _stupid_ you are right now?” I’m definitely raising my voice but whatever, he’s infuriating me with this bullshit right now. “Just shut up and let me help you, Akise.”

 

 

He looks like I’ve tasered him and I don’t care as long as he shuts up and stops trying to ignore everything that’s wrong. He’s got this wide eyed look when I start dabbing at his chin with gauze to wipe the blood away. Then he doesn’t even flinch when I apply antiseptic that _has_ to burn. I’m holding gauze to his lip to stop the bleeding and he’s fucking looking at me like _I’m_ the one who’s crazy. When the blood stops, I tell him he can get up now and I put away the kit before walking to a dumpster by the restaurant to dispose of the bloody gauze.

 

 

I climb into the passenger seat and put my seat back a little, closing my eyes as Akise drives us back to the campsite. I’m so pissed at him for the way he was acting like this was all nothing, but I’m also worried about him and Rantaro too.

 

 

 I look over at Akise, but he’s just looking straight ahead, driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel and the other resting on the bottom of it. I feel relieved that his lip is no longer bleeding even if it looks like shit and is likely to worsen by morning. As far as I can tell, Rantaro did not have any such injuries, meaning that this was likely a case of Akise offending him and then taking a punch to the face because of whatever annoying shit he said.

 

 

I almost laugh because it fits perfectly, even I have felt pretty angry with him and his increasingly endless bullshit the last two days. Unfortunately this all too quickly starts me thinking about so many fucking things I’ve wanted to do to him the last couple days. Even though I feel incredibly shady about it, I find myself giving into my imaginations.

 

 

I look away from him out the window at blackness, picturing him under me from earlier. I visualize him there, and even I know that with opium, you are helplessly turned on _very easily_. Due to the darkness outside, I can see my face reflected by the neon of the dash lights, and I wonder what kind of faces I made for him during all of that. Under all my frustrations and guilt, I’ve had an underlying feeling of _this_ all night. I’m also pretty certain that he likes me or at least likes playing with my feelings at this point.

 

 

 

I lean over towards him, and in what I hope is a sweet sleepy voice, I ask Akise if I can borrow his jacket because I’m cold. He looks over at me, smiling for the first time since we left the restaurant stupidly causing his lip to split open and bleed again. But I don’t care at this point. I need to cover up the semi that’s becoming more and more obvious as I recall what turned out to be the first and only time I’ve seen the sun set over the ocean.

 

 

I turn my head to the window, hugging my knees up to me with his jacket over all of me. It’s warm and it _fucking smells like him_. I make sure to keep my head turned down to my door, and I pretend to sleep.

 

In reality, I’m rubbing my hard on through my pants and I know I’m a fucking perv right now, just doing this in the car next to him with my three friends in the back. But I really can’t help it. I’m very drunk despite everything, and I literally can’t stop picturing his face below me from earlier when he pulled me down.

 

 

It doesn’t take too much imagination to understand that in this particular fantasy, I’m in the same position I was there, cliffs and all. In my mind, I’m leaning over him, holding myself up like earlier, him underneath me with that fucking open shirt. I picture him unzipping my pants with his teeth, and I seriously don’t understand how I can possibly be this filthy inside. My mind creates this perfect image of him taking out my dick, stroking it with his pale fingertips. I imagine they feel cool against my skin and I feel my spine literally shiver, even in this awkward situation fake sleeping in car.

 

 

Under the cover of Akise’s coat, I very discreetly pull out my dick and start stroking it. In my mind, he’s gently massaging the sensitive underside with his thumb, lifting his head up to lick leaking precum off the tip. Expletives hang unuttered behind my gritted teeth, but I absolutely cannot be caught doing this in the car. I just fucking go for it, discreetly spitting in my hand to serve as lubricant, pretending it’s Akise’s mouth as I close my eyes.

 

 

I’m easily remembering the feel of his lips that my mouth touched over and over again earlier, and mixed with his smell from the jacket it’s perfectly driving me over the edge. I’m biting my lip and pumping myself so vigorously, just imagining fucking his mouth, pinning his head down into the grass.

 

 

I debauchedly wonder what it’d be like with him gripping my ass and pulling me deep into his throat. _Oh god_. That particular imagery plays over and over again. Suddenly I’m coming _hard_ in my hand and I have to turn a moan into a snoring sound, shortly followed by pretending to sleep, ignoring Akise’s “Are you all right, Hinata-kun?”

 

 

Under his coat, I had made sure to catch everything in my hand, but I’m really not sure what to do with it. I remember my trick from last night and carefully remove a sock, hopefully without moving enough to give myself away. Once I clean myself off, I shove my sock deep into my pocket and continue pretending to sleep with my heart beating way too fast the entire time.

 

 

I know I’m fucking scum for doing that. I know it’s creepy and weird and none of these guys would ever talk to me again if they knew what I just did. Honestly though, how the hell am I supposed to spend another night next to Akise without taking care of myself first. I know I would just end up doing it in the middle of the night with an equally good chance of being caught.

 

 

When we finally get to the campsite, everyone in the back seat has fallen asleep and the taller boys are much easier to wake up than Ouma, who is still sleeping in Rantaro’s lap. I see Rantaro stroke Ouma’s hair affectionately, then Saihara’s got his arms around Ouma, lifting him out of the car like a giant infant.  The three of them disappear into their tent pretty quickly after that, and I’m left outside with Akise.

 

 

After everything we’ve done today, including what I just did in the car, I’m feeling really sleepy and a yawn escapes me next to him. Akise is looking at me and his face is full of actual fondness instead of that unreadable irritating thing he usually does.

 

 

I begin to realize that there’s at least two sides to Akise. The one where he’s kind and sweet, and the other where he’s exasperatingly annoying and infuriating.  The blood that escaped his wound when he smiled at me in the car has dried under his bottom lip so I tell him that I’ll take care of it again before bed. He’s been closing the space between us though and he puts his arms around my neck. Jesus Christ, not this shit again.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” He’s practically purring into my ear with a low voice. “Do you want to go back down to the beach with me?” I roll my eyes at him and tell him no in a firm whisper. We’re standing like three feet away from the other boys’ tent and I cannot put up with this bullshit anymore. I push him away telling him to just get in the tent not looking at him while I go to the jeep to get the first-aid kit and some ice from the ice chest.

 

 

It doesn’t even occur to me that he could have taken that as an invitation until I open the door of the tent to him sitting there in just his boxers with a lantern on the floor illuminating his entire body. He’s grinning up at me in the soft golden light, making his lip start to bleed again and I don’t know whether to laugh or slap him for being so fucking presumptuous.

 

 

“Why aren’t you wearing any clothes? And _Oh My God_ , what have you done with my sleeping bag?” In that short amount of time it took me to walk to the jeep and back, he’s lit a lantern, completely undressed _and_ turned our sleeping bags into one giant one. It’s even fucking zipped up around both of their outer edges.

 

 

He just smiles at me, stretching out the silence like he loves to. _Always_ while I’m sexually festering under his silken control. I try to ignore it, remembering he’s hurt and I’m trying to help him right now. I kneel down in front of him taking out alcohol wipes and gauze again to dab at the dried blood on his face. He won’t stop looking at me and I seriously agree with Rantaro’s prior statement about his brother when I first met him; “ _He will talk your ear off if you give him half a chance and yeah, he’s a fucking weirdo_.”

 

 

 His stare is unnerving in so many ways. It’s like he’s purely interested in an almost scientific way, and not emotionally connected to anything. I’m seriously wondering if Akise has some kind of mental thing going on that makes him so different from anyone I’ve ever encountered. At the same time, I keep thinking of how fucking hot he is and how much I’d just let him wreck me if he broke down my fairly bullshit defenses.

 

 

I reach for the plastic bag containing the large handful of ice I had grabbed from the ice chest. In what seems to be becoming a trend of his, he reaches out and stops my hand again. I meet his eyes finally, which knowing him, was his goal all along and I’m not even trying to hide my frown.

 

 

“Please don’t scowl at me, Hinata-kun.” I’m really trying to be firm and not pout at him now because there’s something in the way he says my name that always makes me _fucking weak_. I’ve never been easily influenced by anything or anyone before.  I certainly have never met anyone like this shithead who has me practically wrapped around his little finger. “You don’t have to do this. You shouldn’t feel obligated to help me like this. I’ll be fi-“

 

 

I yank my hand free of his grip and silence him by putting the ice against his mouth, probably more forcefully than I should have. “Shut up, Akise.” His eyes widen at me, but he doesn’t try to talk anymore. “You know, I don’t know what goes on in your head, but I _am_ your friend….” His eyes widen further at that, and I bite my lip and look down because I know I’m overstepping something by adding, “Even if I’m just a toy to you.” My voice is almost a whisper and my face is probably red, but he’s just continuing to stare right at me.

 

 

I move the ice away after a few painful minutes of silence and avoiding his unnecessary staring, asking him to hand me the aloe vera. Before he can try to argue with me, I move behind him and start gently moving a piece of it across his reddened shoulders. I put even more care into it than I did earlier, moving softly down his back, covering his entire sunburn. Since he is practically naked, from this angle I can see that his thighs also have cruel scars across them. It pains me in so many ways to see his body marred in such a way, but again I don’t ask him about it. Not yet at least.

 

 

I notice that he hasn’t said anything for quite some time now so I move to look over his shoulder to see that he’s completely unfazed, rolling a joint in his lap. I toss the used aloe pieces out of the tent, zipping the door back up before going to change out of my clothes. Behind me, I hear him climb under the blanket and the tent darkens when he puts out the lantern.

 

 

I know in the dark now that what he’s done with our sleeping bags is no longer an option for me to bring up again, so I climb into the giant sleeping bag he’s made for us, trying my best not to accidentally touch him.  Lying on my back I see him roll to face me bringing an abalone shell he had picked up at the beach to place between us. I watch him light the joint, and take a couple drags before he ashes in the shell and hands it to me.

 

 

I take the joint from him almost perplexed as to why he’s passing up this opportunity to impose more non-kisses on me since we’re both practically naked in the same bed.  In the soft light of the tent I try really hard not to look over as I hit the joint. I ash it and go to hand it back to him but he shakes his head, telling me that he’s done and to just put it out when I’m done. I take another long drag before rolling towards him to put it out in the shell. His eyes are closed so I stare at him a little while and carefully move the shell ashtray to the side of our “bed.”

 

 

His lip looks swollen and purple but apart from that he still looks serenely beautiful in the dim moonlight coming through the mesh opening above us.   He doesn’t seem to notice me at all and it takes all of my self control not to reach out and stroke his fluffy hair out of his face.  Not trusting myself not to and definitely not wanting to get caught even staring like this, I roll away from him and settle down into the warmth of the sleeping bag.

 

 

I wouldn’t have let him get away with this sleeping arrangement if I hadn’t shamelessly gotten myself off in the car. There’s a blur of smoke still above us, drifting through the mesh into the breeze and the more it disappears, the more I become aware that I can smell him again. His scent is something that I definitely do like about him and I find myself comparing the feeling it gave me when he first sat next to me in the car to how it feels almost familiar now. I can hear cicadas humming outside as the effect of the weed and the warmth radiating from him are starting to get to me and I feel my eyes drooping.

 

 

Before I can actually fall asleep though, I feel him moving towards me to fucking spoon me. I can feel his breath right along the back of my neck as he murmurs something about being disappointed that I kept my shirt on.  Am I shocked? I shouldn’t be. This is how he is towards me.

 

 

He does not however move beyond this, he’s gently draping his arm around my waist, with his chest against my back and his breath still warming the back of my neck. I feel completely bewildered and nervous but most of all really fucking selfish as I decide to let him think I’m sleeping so that he doesn’t let go. 

 

 

The moments drag on in silence for quite a while, then suddenly he grips me even more tightly and I can’t tell if he’s doing this part in his sleep or not.  Even though I’ve mentally sealed my mouth shut, I know my erratic heartbeat has to be giving away the fact that I’m very much awake in his embrace. But he doesn’t move any more after that. He just sleeps there holding me like this shit is normal and totally ok.

 

 

At the edge of my thoughts there’s a hysterical notion that all of this, including what he said to me has been done in his sleep and _I’m_ the one being juvenile and creepy right now.  Not being sure is really irritating in itself, but I can’t help but feel that the way his arm is holding me to him honestly feels so fucking _nice_. I thought something like this would feel cliché and stifling, but it’s warm. It’s actually calming, feeling his chest rise and fall against by back. I’m far more content than I’d ever like to admit falling asleep like this in his arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about the scars combining the self inflicted sim ones along with ko's 'irl genocider' scars...that's just another upcoming angst point :O
> 
> this story gets a lot more complex and intense and i'm really excited to introduce the other character's points of view around ~chapter 9...so stay tuned :)
> 
> due to where the plot's somehow sinfully taken me without regard for my sleep schedule, I changed one minor thing in Chapter 1; Rantaro has also "seen a real girl naked" that's all :)
> 
>  
> 
> ~~thank you so much for reading~~
> 
>  
> 
> your comments and kudos mean the world to me<3333


	3. pulsing / shots fired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Uh. Are you an albino?” He actually scoffs at this.
> 
>  
> 
> “Hinata-kun.” He’s fucking deadpanning at me now. Ah. He’s even cute when he does this. “I have green eyes, what do you think?”
> 
>  
> 
> “I don’t know the rules about this shit, that’s why I asked you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is one of my most favorite chapters I’ve written so far for this story. I really hope you like it!
> 
> I do firmly believe in tw/cw so in this chapter there is a scene that contains some violence and strong phobic language. 
> 
> I’m always working to get to a happy ending throughout this story…so don’t worry if things seem bad sometimes, ok? x
> 
> The location is based on college cove in humboldt county if you want to google image search it.

 

I blink my eyes open to sunlight and chill air, clinging to memories of a dream that I refuse to let go of. Akise is nowhere in sight and I have no idea what time it is, but neither of those things really concern me right now.

 

 

_My dream, holy shit._ I close my eyes trying to remember as much as possible, pulling the sleeping bag over my face. I don’t quite know what to think about it and I’m still not fully awake enough to care. I’ve had dreams every once in a while but _not like this_. Maybe it was because I fell asleep in his arms last night, but I definitely woke up while dreaming about Akise. Everything about it was surreal and beautiful and _warm_.

 

 

From what I remember, I was on lying on my back, and he was sitting on top of me leaning down over my face with a white sheet over us. All I could see was bare skin surrounded by the sheet filtering bright sunlight into our little enclosure.

 

 

Time and sound were highly distorted concepts in this place. I heard layer upon layer of his soft laughter even though his mouth wasn’t moving. The sound of it was vividly beautiful and caused a rush of intense emotions even now.

 

 

He definitely looked a lot younger than the Akise I knew, and his body was completely free from all of the scars I had seen yesterday.  It was almost like I got the same feeling of not being able to fully comprehend his radiance as I did when I came up on the psilocybin yesterday. Everything about this version of him was _too_ _pure_ and _way too_ _beautiful_.

 

 

What I distinctly recall was his bright smile and the feelings that welled up in me looking up at it. Bliss. Adoration. _Fucking Love. Yes, **Love**_. As soon as I had that last realization, color filled his cheeks in slow motion, like a time lapsed video of soft pink flowers blooming. I pulled him down intending to kiss him, but then I woke up.

 

 

The most prominent impression of what I recall is more emotional than visual. The warmth of my dream is what I’ll never forgive myself if forgotten. The feelings left lingering in my mind were something I didn’t even know I was capable of experiencing. They were precious to me now.

 

 

Slipping away from my grasp was something _off_ about all of this. I knew with certainty that it was Akise, but that was definitely not the name I was thinking in my dream.  As strange as that may sound, I can’t for the life of me remember what name I was associating with the younger version of him in my dream at all.

 

 

Dream or not, the emotions bestowed were all my own. And I knew right then that whatever I had with Manami was not and never could be this burning feeling inside me now. I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure I just had some kind of spiritual experience beyond my comprehension.

 

 

Satisfied that I wouldn’t forget what I could remember and couldn’t remember what was lost in waking, I lift the blanket from my face, blinking at the bright daylight flooding the tent. I feel markedly flushed and far too joyful. All of it was still radiating inside me, coloring my whole world. I start to wonder if it’s just the consequence of all the drug things I took yesterday but I want to believe it was something more.

 

 

I have like. No idea how seeing Akise after that dream is going to pan out on my end today. I’ll probably at least get caught staring at some point. As I sit up in our bed, I can smell cooking again and I’m sure he’s out there making everyone’s breakfasts and lunches like he did yesterday.

 

 

Even though I was pretty angry with him last night, I know underneath it all he’s an incredibly kind person to be going out of his way to do these things for us. I’m definitely smiling to myself over how we fell asleep and thinking about the dream. I don’t know how he plans on treating me today, but I want to be a good friend to him at least. I did say as much last night to shut him up when I was helping him.

 

 

Whatever is behind those scars and whatever it is that’s causing him to talk about himself like he does are things I find myself personally invested in now. I want to know him better. I want to help him. These are of course just a pile of good intentions and so far those have meant very little to him from what I could tell. Before leaving the tent I remind myself of this just in case he ends up pissing me off later.

 

 

Akise looks up and waves at me as I exit the tent far more gracefully than yesterday. He’s smiling but his lip definitely looks like shit as expected. I desperately need to shave after being in the wild for the last two days so I wave back at him before heading to the bathroom.

 

 

When I get back, the others are seated around the picnic table and there’s a plate of hot food waiting for me next to where Akise is sitting. I sit down telling him that it looks really good. I catch him smiling to himself a little but he doesn’t look up from his food or say anything back. I realize that I haven’t heard him speak since he complained about my shirt last night and I don’t even know if he did that consciously or not. I find myself wanting to hear his voice though.

 

 

“How’s your sunburn?” I ask him when we’re almost done eating. He looks at me smiling, but it’s not the intense smile I’ve become accustomed to. It’s like there’s something really awful going on in his mind and he’s trying his best to appear cheerful.

 

 

“Ah. It’s much better today. Thank you for asking, Hinata-kun.” I tell him that I’m glad he’s feeling better and I try to show him what I hope comes off as a warm smile. This seems to alleviate some of whatever he’s going through and I can see him relax a bit as he tells me that “it was all thanks to Hinata-kun.” My ego doesn’t really get a chance to react to the compliment because right then, Rantaro abruptly gets up to leave the table with an annoyed “Tch” directed at his brother. He’s walking away and the other boys are both looking at us but they don’t really say anything before going back to chatting with each other while finishing their food.

 

 

I offer to help Akise clean up after breakfast but he tells me that we should start packing up and I can focus on getting my things together since we have to leave today. I don’t want to pry but this shit with his brother is really starting to bother me. I let him be though because it really is none of my business and no one seems to want to elaborate even though I’m fairly certain that I’m the only one here who has no idea what’s going on.

 

 

In the tent, I take the sleeping bags apart and roll them up individually. I still can’t believe he made a big bed for us or that he held me until I fell asleep last night and I feel pain in my chest that is somehow compounded with the imagery and feelings left over from my dream. Before I can derail my thoughts further, Akise comes back smiling at me and we take our tent down and move everything to the jeep. I literally have no idea how all of this shit even fit in here to begin with, but Ouma’s expertly telling everyone where and how to put things into the back until it all miraculously fits.

 

 

I walk around to look back over our campsite knowing I’m going to miss this place a lot even though I was only here for a couple days. I know I blush a little when I look towards the ocean knowing that on the other side of the trees is where I watched the sunset with Akise last night. I can’t believe I’ve been through so much in such a short amount of time. There’s really never been anything else in my life that compares with this weekend.

 

 

“Hinata-kun.” I turn to see Akise standing beside me, his gaze directed at the ground and not boring into me which would have felt far more normal coming from him. I know that something is wrong but all I do is wait for him to go on. “I’m really happy that I got to watch the sunset with you yesterday. I’m sorry I ended up ruining it though.”

 

 

I don’t even know what to say to that without fully admitting that I don’t really give a shit anymore, which is probably inappropriate. Luckily he doesn’t seem to really expect an answer and we get in the jeep to head to the cove Ouma had told us about at dinner.

 

 

Even after everything I’ve seen on this trip I’m still not mentally prepared for ‘the cove.’ This actually might be my favorite place we’ve been to in the last few days. From the road, it seemed like a simple dirt lot with a path going into the woods at one end if you looked very carefully. Shortly after heading down this path, there’s a set of rocky stairs leading off one side that twists and turns between ferns and flowers all the way down the cliff to the beach. While described as stairs, most of them are about half the height of Ouma’s body and many of them are washed away completely by years of weathering. Getting down to the cove isn’t the easiest thing in the world but it’s really worth it once it all comes into view.

 

 

Like the name suggests, it’s a curved beach around a very small bay. Giant cliffs like the one we just climbed down are on all sides and there are rocks bigger than houses sporadically littering the water for miles out to sea. Some of the tallest ones even have trees growing on top of them. Most of them have groups of seals sunning themselves and practically all of them are coated white from millennia of seagulls shitting on them. The sandy shore is calm though, as the rocks further out are distilling the huge waves rolling in from the sea. Towering sprays of white water can be seen every time the rocks are hit by incoming waves. I’m trying to take it all in because I know this is the last beach I’ll be seeing before we leave to go home today.

 

 

Probably the thing I like best about this place is that we seem to have this entire beach to ourselves. It’s hot today so after setting a blanket down in the shade we all begin to peel off our clothes down to shorts…or in Ouma’s case, a violet speedo one or two shades lighter than his hair.

 

 

Akise sets out the bentos, but this time he’s used them as trays for mostly fruit, one with vegetables and one has cheeses and crackers. I want to laugh because it’s so…mom style. But I don’t laugh because I’m hungry and trying to get along with him today. Shuuichi’s unloading chips and salsa from another bag as Rantaro sets down a 24 pack of some shitty beer we had Akise buy for us at the last gas station. Ouma’s brought a portable speaker set and everyone looks over at me again to play something.

 

 

I know no one is drunk or particularly high yet, and I certainly don’t know what the hell is going on between Akise and Rantaro but I think they all need to be properly messed with a little bit. Back at the gas station Ouma fell in love with a remarkably hideous white _straw_ cowboy hat with a long purple feather on one side, which he was of course wearing now “to keep the sun off” his face…So I make sure to turn the volume all the way up and play some god awful country with a totally straight face.

 

 

Every single one of them looks over at me like they don’t recognize me and I perfectly seriously I ask if any of them know how to square dance. Shuuichi and Rantaro bust out laughing, Akise has one hand over his open mouth, eyes glowing…and then there’s Ouma. Who actually does know how to square dance apparently. Before he can completely embarrass himself (or maybe not, that guy honestly has no filter or shame) I change the playlist to something legitimately good. And upbeat because these fuckers sincerely need it right now.

 

 

Of all of us, I have the darkest skin and Akise has the fairest. I’ve never been sunburned in my life so I feel somewhat left out when they form a line to sunblock slather each other’s backs. It’s the gayest shit I’ve ever seen and I love it. Of course I take a picture and Amami gets pissed at me but we both know he doesn’t really mean it when he calls me a shithead. After getting backs, Shuuichi and Rantaro face each other and get each other’s chests and stomachs. I don’t look though because there’s some earnestly shameless shit going on between them now.

 

 

Ouma and Akise each get their own fronts and I guess I’m relieved? What kind of possessive bullshit is going through my mind right now? Well if the past few days have shown me anything, it’s that there is something seriously fucked in my brain when it comes to Akise and there’s no real fighting it. Akise is helping Ouma properly cover his face and ears, then he walks…nooo--is he fucking ¿ _sauntering_? ...he _saunters_ over to me, putting his feral hair into a high bun, and asks me to do the same since well. Ouma can’t exactly reach Akise’s face.

 

 

We go and sit on the blanket facing each other and I notice again that he’s a little taller than me, but not by much. This is the first time since the shower yesterday that I’ve seen him with his hair all the way back off his face. Everything about his face is delicate and soft. Smooth. Even the color is somehow beautiful. Especially contrasted with my skin while I’m gently putting lotion over him.

 

 

“Do you even have facial hair?” I can’t help but ask, because it literally feels like a child’s face.

 

 

“No.” Akise seems maybe a little embarrassed about this.

 

 

“How old are you?” I know he’s like 22—

 

 

“24.” _What?_

 

“What?” I’m so surprised, he honestly looks my age. “You’re five years older than me.”

 

 

“Yes. I know.”

 

 

Up close like this, I’m lingering in my application perhaps for selfish reasons—I can tell his _long_ eyelashes are truly white at the base then quickly turn black for most of their length, and his eyebrows are just a shade darker than the tips of his ridiculous hair.

 

 

“Are you wearing mascara?”

 

 

“Oh.” He pauses for a moment then looks up at me. “Very perceptive, Hinata-kun.” I literally can’t believe this.

 

 

“I think you’d look just fine without it.” I do. Simply because everything about this guy is seriously fucking gorgeous. “Uh. Are you an albino?” He actually scoffs at this.

 

 

“Hinata-kun.” He’s fucking deadpanning at me now. _Ah_. He’s even cute when he does this. “I have green eyes, what do you think?”

 

 

“I don’t know the rules about this shit, that’s why I asked you.” Yes. I am awkwardly honest. How can I not be when he’s so close to me?

 

 

“I’m not an albino. I was born this way.” He says flatly.

 

 

“Oh.” Well I don’t really know what to say to him anymore so I ask him if he wants to go for a walk. Things looked kind of hedonistic over where the other three are, and to put some distance between us would make me feel better but also I feel like we’re almost imposing on them even though we sat down first.

 

 

I really don’t understand how the three of them are completely oblivious to us, not to mention that Rantaro isn’t fazed at all by acting like that around his own brother. I’m literally surprised they haven’t pulled their dicks out already the way shit is going over there. Akise is spared from the view as he’s facing me and I’m facing them. But both of us are assuredly being assaulted by various uh. _sounds_ coming from their direction.

 

 

“I suppose a walk sounds like the best idea right now.” He says smiling at me. He gracefully stands up, reaching a hand down to me to help me up. I take his hand, noting his fingers are both longer and thinner than my own and a wave of protectiveness comes over me at the feel of his delicate palm against mine. The feeling is short lived however because he lets go as soon as I’m on my feet.

 

 

We walk down the beach letting gentle waves wash over our feet up to our ankles. There are iridescent shells and pieces of different colored sand glass everywhere in the sand here. The water feels refreshingly cool against my skin. It’s a hot day, but looking at this beautiful person walking in front of me is probably warming me twice as much as the sun on my back.

 

 

At the end of the beach area, outcrops of rocks are towering over us and we take a path winding through them. They’re littered with tide pools and looking down into them I can see all kinds of life waiting for the sea to wash over them and nourish their little worlds. Each one has various sea weeds that look like big tufts of undulating moss. Some have little fish swimming around. A few have hermit crabs running around with various kinds of shells on their little backs. There are tons of barnacles, mussels and sea snails coating each of them.

 

 

I’m literally never going to forget this day. Everything is so fucking beautiful. Plus I’m alone with him finally and my heart is doing back flips with the memories of my dream flashing across my mind every minute. Perhaps I shouldn’t give a dream so much influence over my thoughts, but it was all still so fresh in my mind. Sometimes when I looked at him I felt filled with the feelings I woke up with. It was almost too much.

 

 

He’s unusually silent on our walk but it’s not uncomfortable at all. We’re both taking in the tide pools and the views when we climb up the rocks. I feel sort of like a child climbing up and down them with him. I’m trying not to stare but there’s a few times where he’s smiling hovered over the little pools in the rocks with his hand gently reaching into them to pull out little shells and crabs before carefully putting them back. He’s so beautiful.

 

 

I rapidly start to feel that aching in my chest again, but this time it’s saturated with the feelings from my dream making it much worse than it was yesterday. I realize that I’ve never been in love before and I think I _might?_ love? him right now? This thought springs a _ton_ of guilt making me feel worse. Manami doesn’t deserve this. Manami deserves much better than the perverted cheating scumbag that I’ve become in three short days.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” I snap back out of my thoughts to look over at him. He’s standing on the edge of a tall rock with the open sea about 40 feet below him. Before I can ask what he wants, he says, “I’m going to swim now.” Then he fucking dives off the rock and I scramble to the edge to see him hit the water, gracefully, just like everything else he does. His agility never ceases to amaze me. I can tell the water here is deep and gentle so I’m not surprised when he comes back up a few seconds later, laughing and calling up me to join him. 

 

 

He swims out, making room for me and like. _What the fuck_. Why couldn’t we go swimming from flat ground. I would have much rather preferred that. I can’t be outdone though, and I hate this part of him. Always pushing me to my limits and laughing all the way. I’m not afraid of heights but I’m not particularly free of fear at this situation. Fuck it. I plug my nose with my fingers and back up a little to run and jump in feet first.

 

 

The fall is fairly terrifying but plunging deeply into the cool water feels fucking wonderful and exhilarating to say the least. Letting go of my nose I swim up to the surface and I can’t help laughing loudly when I emerge to join him. We’re bobbing up and down with the gentle waves a few feet away from each other, both grinning and laughing.

 

 

“I’m surprised you did it, Hinata-kun. I’m kind of proud of you right now.” That statement makes both of blush a little. His hair is uncharacteristically flattened down to by the water and I’m reminded that his face is literally stunning. Even his ears, which are literally never seen when his hair is dry and wild, are perfectly shaped. I start to wonder if every fucking part of his body was touched by god or some shit. He’s staring at me with those huge green eyes, smirking and swimming a bit closer to me. When we’re almost touching he nudges my shoulder. “Well, where should we swim to, Hinata-kun?”

 

 

Of course he’s going to leave this shit to me. One thing I’ve picked up on is that he’s always…well _sometimes_ considerate of my wants and needs and always checking to see if I’m not only comfortable but having a good time. This is a part of him that I love and hate at the same time. He could really stand to be a little more selfish sometimes. I don’t get that side of him at all. But the part of him constantly looking out for me does an incredible number on my heart at the same time. Fuck, Akise. This is horrible. I shove my thoughts away to answer him.

 

 

“How about that rock over there?” I point a little further out to a rock that looks like it wouldn’t be too difficult to climb on top of. It’s one of the rocks that isn’t sticking up too far and doesn’t appear to be assaulted by giant waves like the ones further out. There doesn’t appear to be any seals on it either. It’s about 200 meters away so I’m excited to get a little exercise after all the sitting around and binging we’ve been doing the past few days.

 

 

“Ok, see you there.” With that, he plunges under the water, and I don’t see him for about a minute when he emerges about a quarter of the way there for a breath and then disappears under the water again like a fucking dolphin. I swim like a normal human and he easily beats me there. When I climb up on the rock I’m a bit out of breath but he reaches out and helps me climb up onto the rock. I find a flat place on the rock and sit down with my arms back to support me, catching my breath.

 

 

Everything feels amazing, the sun is warming my wet skin and I love the way everything smells, salty and alive. I look over at Akise and he’s wearing a _tight_ pair of faded black cut off jeans that are frayed right above his knees and dangerously low on his hips. He’s dripping everywhere and his pale skin is beautiful against all the blues and of the ocean and sky framing him from where I’m sitting. He’s unzipping his pocket and pulls out a little rounded plastic cylinder. It’s basically a water proof weed container, even I know that. Souda has like twenty of them in his apartment.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, do you want to smoke?” He asks me as he’s lighting the joint he pulled from the canister. I kind of freeze up, remembering yesterday’s endless non-kisses. My lower stomach is responding palpably to his voice right now. I nod and he hands me the joint and I take a drag watching him wring out his hair and the wind is already poofing it up for him. I laugh as I exhale and he gives me a wide smile reaching for the joint.

 

 

“You have the craziest fucking hair I’ve ever seen by the way.” I say smiling at him so he knows I’m not insulting him. He smiles reaching to take the joint from me. Our fingers brush a little, and I’m fairly used to it by now but it still gives me unspoken satisfaction.

 

 

“Why thank you, Hinata-kun.” God, the way he says my name over and over like that with that smoky velvet voice is just like my favorite sound in the world by now. His insistence on using my name in practically every sentence that drips out of his mouth makes me feel crazy. We share the joint talking about how beautiful this place is and how good everything feels. I’m surprised at how easy it is to talk to him when he’s not teasing me or going into his “I’m trash” shit.

 

 

I can’t help stealing glances at his low waistline and the way his soaking wet shorts are clinging to what I’ve only recently come to notice is his perfect ass. For someone so thin, it’s got a really nice curve to it, and my mind descends straight into the proverbial gutter.

 

 

He sits down beside me and passes to give me the last drag. I take it deeply, toss the butt into the water and abandoning self-control I stand up to lean over him and press my lips to his, exhaling into his mouth. His eyes go wide but then soften into something like surprised contentment, taking all of it from me. His lips are cold and salty from our swim, but they are also lovely and soft like always. I back away, grinning at him as he exhales our hit smiling right back at me.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, my lip is still very sore, I’m not sure we should do that for a while.” _Shit_. I had completely forgotten even though he’s right in front of me with purple bruising and a thin scab on his bottom lip.

 

 

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t even thinking about it. Did I hurt you?” I’m looking at him concerned now and feeling like a dick.

 

 

“It’s ok, it was worth it.” He’s smirking and I have the strongest urge to hug him but I back away a little saying sorry again. He stands up, stretches, and his fucking shorts dip even _lower_ because of this. I genuinely start to wonder exactly how hairless his body is given what he told me about not having facial hair earlier.

 

 

He asks me if I’m ready to go back and I really am because I feel like I might embarrass myself with my dick getting any harder at the sight of him. I dive in as an answer and he quickly follows me. This time he swims right next to me and we don’t talk on the way back but every once in a while he’ll laugh and I’ll laugh back at him. How many times have I felt not just happiness but actual joy on this trip? It’s getting hard to count.

 

 

We aim for a sandy beach area and stand up to wade in to the shore once the water is somewhere between our knees and hips. I can’t believe how perfect everything feels and I feel so grateful to him for taking me into the ocean like that. The pain in my chest is back, but it’s easier to ignore this time as the swim took a lot out of me. We sit in the sand, side by side to catch our breath, eventually falling onto our backs and staring at the bright sky in silence. I feel pretty high from the joint and I love the way the wet sand feels against my back. The sky looks impossibly blue right now and I realize that this is possibly the best way I could have spent my last day near the ocean.

 

 

“That was my first time swimming in the ocean.” I say turning my body towards him. He stays as he is, looking up at the sky with one arm up behind his head. The boy has no armpit hair to speak of, and my curiosity is burning somewhere in the back of my mind. He’s pale, covered in scars and too skinny but I still think he looks perfect right now.

 

 

“Yes, it was. I hope you enjoyed it even though it was with me, Hinata-kun.” Jesus christ, why does he have to word shit like that?

 

 

_“I’m fucking glad it was with you, idiot.”_ He’s looking at me now with eyes widened and I think he might be a little speechless and that’s all right because I’m not done telling him off. “I really hate when you talk like that, saying bad things about yourself…I don’t think about you like that at all. Anyway, like I would have enjoyed it with anyone else, Akise.” Now I’m embarrassed and I roll away onto my back throwing my fucking sandy arms over my face to hide my blushing. I can hear him laughing at me and I don’t even care. I deserve to be laughed at for blurting all of that out.

 

 

After lying there in silence for a few minutes with my face covered I feel him poke my shoulder saying we should get back to get some food before the others eat it all. Fully recovered from half chub and blush face, I agree and we both get up brushing sand off our bodies and walk along the beach to get back. We have to take that narrow path through the giant rocks again but we don’t climb all over to see things this time. I’m following behind him a few paces since the path is narrow and the silence is dragging too much for my comfort.

 

 

“So…Uh. Where do you get opium from anyway?” Jesus Hajime, is that the best thing you could have thought up to start a conversation? But Akise just keeps walking at the same pace, turning his head over his shoulder to give me a big smile and tells me sweetly that “it’s a secret.” And we don’t say another word to each other while I stare at his ass and sauntering hips all the way back.

 

 

When we approach the others, Rantaro and Ouma are working on an impressive sand castle replete with shells, rocks, sand glass and sticks for paths windows and doors. I’m legitimately impressed with their handiwork and tell them so. They’re clearly stoned out of their minds and flash me big smiles telling me thank you. Well Ouma’s reply is a pretty conceited “Of course it’s perfect, I designed it.” I can’t help but laugh at that, being gracious isn’t exactly a quality our little driver possesses.

 

 

“Where’s Shuuichi?” Akise asks after a few minutes pass. His face is concerned and it makes me worry a little too.

 

 

“He went over there to take a piss.” Rantaro says pointing to the part of the beach hidden to us by a cliff jutting out with trees growing down onto the beach.

 

 

“He’s been gone a long time, we should go see what he’s doing. He’s pretty high though, he probably decided to climb up those dead trees over there.” Ouma says. It sounds like something he would do and I had seen some giant ass trees washed up in the sand over there when we first arrived. They gave beach wood a whole new meaning, like enormous versions of the smooth wooden sticks that washed up on normal beaches.

 

 

All four of us decide to go look for him thinking we’d join him in climbing but what we saw when we rounded the corner was horrifying.

 

 

Shuuichi was being pressed against the cliff wall by a man who could only be described as a redneck and another similarly disgusting man was there jeering beside him. The one pressing him against the wall had a knife pressed to Shuuichi’s throat, telling him that he knows the “little faggot likes dick,” and “should pull his shorts off like a good boy.”

 

 

I felt my stomach turn in abject repulsion and fear. I physically could not move or talk, but the others ran towards the scene. Amami was the first to arrive and punched the guy without a knife so hard that he fell back onto the sand. The guy with a knife grabbed Shuuichi by the hair, holding the crying boy in front of him with the knife still at his neck.

 

 

“You sick fags better turn around and go back where you came from or I’ll slit this pretty boy’s throat.” The guy was sneering, teeth broken and stained like he had done way too much meth in his pathetic life. I felt like vomiting and crying at the same time. This is the thing about beautiful rural places; they’re usually inhabited by the scum of the earth.

 

 

I had somehow pulled myself together and reached them by now. I was about to scream out for him to please, _please_ drop the fucking knife. Before I could open my mouth though, Ouma marched up, suddenly pulling a fucking gun out of the back of his speedo. It wasn’t just any gun, it was an automatic pistol like the kind you see in movies. He pointed it right at them, clicking the top part back to fire and in my mind I was screaming even though I was shocked speechless. The guy yanked Shuuichi back a few paces still holding the knife to his throat.

 

 

“What, you’re gonna shoot your little boyfriend, faggot?” This guy was seriously disgusting and I almost didn’t care at this point if Ouma decided to put a bullet in his head.

 

 

“I WON’T HESITATE, BITCH.” I had never heard Ouma use this voice before. It was booming and vicious, dripping with actual hate. Ouma turned his head slightly, looking down his arms to what I assume was the sight of the gun, moving his arms a little to the left and pulled the fucking trigger. The asshole’s dirty trucker hat flew off and in a panic he threw Shuuichi away from him falling back on his ass, dropping the knife in the process. He was screaming so I knew right then that Ouma hadn’t killed him, but just violently warned him that he was fucking serious about this shit.

 

 

By this point, Rantaro had straddled the other guy on the ground and was literally pummeling the guy’s face in. Ouma indeed did not hesitate. Akise ran over and kicked the knife out of reach while Ouma jumped on the would-be throat slitter and pistol whipped him in the face about ten times until the fucker passed out.

 

 

Shuuichi was shaking on his hands and knees, sobbing. I ran over to him and put my arms around him, telling him everything was ok and we’d get him out of there right away. He was shaking so hard and crying--he couldn’t even talk.

 

 

I felt so awful for him and I quickly picked him up and carried him back to the other part of the beach where our things were. Akise followed quietly behind me. I had no idea whether my friends were going to kill those guys or not, and looking down at Shuuichi, I found myself not really concerned if they did.

 

 

Akise caught up with me and he walked beside us, gently stroking Shuuichi’s hair while we approached our blanket spread on the sand. I set Shuuichi down carefully and he put his head between his knees, still brokenly crying and shaking. I took an extra blanket from our bags and put it around his shoulders. I try to comfort him, telling him that everything’s ok now while Akise pours some tea from the thermos into a cup for Shuuichi to drink. He agreed to the tea but he can’t stop trembling to hold the cup by himself, so I lift it to his mouth for him and he starts to calm down a little bit.

 

 

Saihara’s sobbing has stopped and the shaking is nearly gone when we hear a gunshot from Ouma and Rantaro’s direction. All three of us are frozen, wondering what the hell was going on; if our friends were all right, if they killed one of tho—Another gunshot rang out. _Jesus Christ_. Without warning, Akise took off running in the direction of the others and I pulled Shuuichi closer to me because he practically went into convulsing again.

 

 

Thankfully there are no more shots heard and before ten minutes pass, the three of them are walking towards us. They all look uninjured but none of them look all right. Akise looks pissed and concerned, the other two are retaining livid grimaces with sweat dripping down their faces. Both of them have blood stained fists and various splatters across their faces and bodies. It’s hard to tell with all the blood, but I’m fairly certain that Rantaro’s knuckles are split.

 

 

I’m seriously wondering if they killed those guys now, and I guess my face shows it because Rantaro quickly tells me that _“no one’s dead, we’re not animals.”_ I take their word for it because I have to while they approach Shuuichi from the other side. Rantaro kneels down first and reaches out to touch Shuuichi’s shoulder, but surprisingly, Shuuichi pulls the blanket over his face and leans closer into me with a small whimper. I don’t know what to do, but then before either of us can say anything about it, Ouma speaks from above our heads while blankly staring at the ocean.

 

 

_“He’s in shock from being traumatized,”_ he says, adding that we shouldn’t read too much into Shuuichi’s actions right now. It’s his blunt and unique way of telling Rantaro not to be hurt by how Shuuichi reacted to him. “Hajime,” Ouma looks down at me for the first time and says, “Thank you for being there for Shuuichi. Thank you for getting him out of there and keeping him safe.” His voice is so steeled that it’s hard to believe this is the _same_ Ouma who was comically square dancing earlier today.

 

 

Suddenly something breaks in Ouma though, and he looks like he might cry. Rantaro gets up and holds the smaller boy to his bloody chest. They’re both crying, holding each other like that for a long time and I keep my arm protectively around Shuuichi, telling him to breathe slowly until he stops hyperventilating and quivering next to me. Akise is standing nearby observing all of this as well, but his expression is unreadable. After a little while, Ouma and Rantaro walk hand in hand towards the water to clean the blood off of themselves.

 

 

After he seems to be breathing steadily for several minutes, I reach over and gently peel the blanket from his face to see that he’s got his eyes shut against my chest, and I don’t pressure him to look up but I ask him if he’s able to walk. The others have been picking up our things, preparing to go back, and they were nearly ready now. Shuuichi pressed further into me, wretchedly whimpering and hiding more of his face from me. I take that as a no and prepare to carry him back up that fucked up incline to the car. I really don’t mind though because fuck. All of this is completely fucked up. Foremost in my mind is still the shock of realizing that Ouma walks around carrying a fucking gun and isn’t afraid to use it.

 

 

There are parts of the steep path up the cliff where I literally have no idea how I’m managing. It’s not exactly like Shuuichi is tiny, he’s shorter than me and quite thin but he’s probably still a little over a hundred pounds. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, physically. By the time we get to the top, I’m covered in sweat and I feel like I can barely feel my legs let alone catch my breath. Akise reaches over and puts a bottle of water to my lips and I look at him attempting to thank him with my eyes, drinking nearly half the bottle he’s holding up for me.

 

 

Pure adrenaline allows me to continue carrying Shuuichi to the car. Ahead of us on the path, I can hear Rantaro still crying and I see Ouma gently stroking his back. Akise is walking slightly behind me in silence. All of us are still totally affected by what just happened, especially Shuuichi who at this point feels like he’s clinging to me for dear life. I’m honestly moved by this, feeling some mix of protectiveness and responsibility for my friend shivering in my arms.

 

 

Akise gets the door for me and I gently place Shuuichi into the back seat, my whole body feeling like shit at this point. Shuuichi however, refuses to let me go and I have to awkwardly climb over him to get into my seat. It would be easier to push him into the middle seat, but he literally won’t budge and I take that to mean that I’m the only one he’ll sit by right now. That’s perfectly fine, I really want him to be comfortable enough to calm down.

 

 

As we pull out onto the road, Akise hands me another cup of tea which I help Shuuichi to drink again. He drinks about half of it before pushing it away with a shaky hand making a small sound to let me know it’s enough for right now. I hand the cup back and secure the blanket around him as he leans into my side again. Tentatively, I rest my arm around him in a half hug and he doesn’t respond to this at all so I’m guessing it’s all right. All throughout the drive, Ouma and Rantaro keep turning around to look at him in concern, but he seems to be peacefully sleeping against me so no one says anything on the ride home.

 

 

When Shuuichi has been asleep for a while, Akise helps me to get a pillow out of the back and I put it against Shuuichi’s door, gently moving him to lie against it, removing my arm from around his side. I wrap the blanket around him and move his hair from his face so he doesn’t accidently breathe in his long bangs while he’s sleeping. His face is lined with dried tears and something inside of me is really hurting for him.

 

 

Turning to face the front of the car, I stretch my arms out for the first time and _god_. _They’re so sore_. A yawn escapes my mouth and I smile for the first time as I watch it catch on all around the car, they yawn one after the other just like the saying goes.

 

 

I look over to Akise and he’s smiling at me which I don’t take it as insincerity towards the recent events but as his small way to try to comfort me. I’m not sure what kind of tired expression is displayed on my face but it causes him to almost inappropriately smile even more. Nonetheless, I’m just feeling really grateful for him and all of his considerate gestures since all this shit went down.

 

 

I look down and in his lap is a clean shirt of mine that I have no idea how he pulled out of my bag which I was sure was buried under all the crap in the back. He’s also got a washcloth and a bottle of _something_. It’s clear and watery and looking closer it says ‘witch hazel.’ I kind of raise my eyebrows at him, and he leans in telling me quietly to remove my shirt. His bizarre way of being generous seems to know no bounds and I can’t help but think to myself that this is one more quality that I really can’t get enough of. I know that my shirt is practically sticking to my body and although the sweat has dried by this point, I feel disgusting to be honest.

 

 

After taking off my filthy shirt, awkwardly trying to not touch either of them, Akise takes the washcloth and soaks it in the liquid from the bottle, handing it to me. He tells me to wipe off everything and that there’s another cloth if I need it. I do end up needing it and the witch hazel is surprisingly refreshing and effective in removing the grime and sweat from my chest and my face.

 

 

After wiping down my whole upper body, I feel half way decent but kind of uncomfortable for completely dirtying the washcloths that he’s reaching over to take from me. I really don’t want the disgusting cloths to touch his elegant hands though. Yeah, _elegant_. There’s probably a million indulgent words that incessantly flit through my mind to describe every part of his body despite the trauma of this whole experience. Firmly looking him in the eye for a moment until he digresses, I try to silently convey that this just isn’t going to happen, so I wrap them up in my gross shirt and place them on the floor between my legs.

 

 

Akise smirks at me but doesn’t say a word, handing me the new shirt and he turns away, still shirtless, partially leaning into me to put the bottle back where it came from. The clean shirt makes me feel much better, and I turn to check on Shuuichi, who is still sleeping peacefully against his pillow.

 

 

At Rantaro’s request, I reach into the pocket in front of Shuuichi on the back of Amami’s seat and pull out his weed and papers because all of us could really use it right now. I’m not actually sure which weed to pick out much less how to roll a decent joint, so Akise takes it from me. He picks out a certain strand, telling me it will keep us alert while calming our nerves and I trust him because he’s literally shown me some intense herbalist shit over the last few days.

 

 

I watch him roll the joint, trying to take in the mechanics of it because I should really know how to do this at this point in my life. He’s really good at it and fast too. I notice it’s nice and smooth, just like the one we breathed into each other on the cliffs. I start to wonder if there is anything in the world this person isn’t capable of doing well. That of course springs sexual thoughts and we share the joint with the others with me blushing furiously every time I have to hand it to him and his fingers barely even touch mine in the pass. I feel a strange combination of relief and disappointment when he makes no move to shotgun it to me, but I chalk it up to his lip being hurt and try not to think about literally everything my mind seems intent on slipping into around him.

 

 

It’s dark by the time we start approaching the top of the mountains we had to cross to get to the ocean and Shuuichi is still sleeping calmly against his pillow. The mood is so entirely different from when we were last here. Those assholes from the cove beach totally ruined our last day, which would have otherwise been fucking perfect. Everyone lets Ouma play his shitty music, no one having the motivation to stop him. For me, I just hope it’s helping him in some way. I can’t imagine what he and Rantaro are going through right now, but I feel a strong sense of admiration for both of them. I hate to admit it, but they were both pretty badass in the face of that fucked up situation back there. I trust them that no one was killed, but I still keep wondering what the fuck happened with those last two gunshots. I try not to think about it too much.

 

 

In the darkness, feeling some wave of sin wash over me, I place my hand on my thigh next to Akise, letting a single finger reach over to lightly rest on his thigh. This is me being awkward trying to touch him, just a little. It’s like a game almost. I act like I’m not doing anything weird, and he acts oblivious to my finger. I don’t know how he doesn’t feel it because I’m pressing down and roaming to the spot where I sense his boxers under his shorts and I let my one finger stay there feeling the hemline under my touch. I feel like an asshole, but this is the limit of my self control erupting through a single almost deceptively unconscious point of contact.

 

 

He does nothing to indicate that he’s aware of my finger pressing into his thigh, and after a long period of silence, I feel him lean to place his head on my shoulder. I’m a little startled, but then I notice that he’s fully asleep and I just let him rest there the whole way back feeling the warmth of his body along my side. His scent is fully surrounding me and it takes everything in me not to bury my face into his salty hair and breathe it all in. The way he smells is nicely sun-kissed, his pale form emitting a light scent of melanin, which I’ve always loved in a roughly nostalgic way. Eventually all of this makes me wonder what _actually_ kissing him would be like and I feel self emblematic in the knowledge that not even in my dreams have I had the fucking pleasure yet.

 

 

Yet? This sets me off on an entirely different path of thoughts centered on my evaluation of what I have going with Manami. I feel like such a fucking douche bag, acutely drowning in the waves of guilt washing over me. The worst thought I have is that if Akise gave me the chance that I’d drop Manami in a heartbeat. This thought eats at me terribly and I cannot believe the way I’ve changed so much over the last few days.

 

 

What makes this worse is that if Akise shows no interest in me after we get home, I wouldn’t really have a reason to leave Manami. I know I’ll probably never in my life reach the intense level of emotions from the dream that I had, but like. Truthfully, I really don’t know if such things would even be possible with Akise or anyone else for that matter. Albeit wondrously intense and beautiful, it was only just a dream.

 

 

Being with Manami is easy. We get along so well with each other and there’s never been any problems between us. The one thing plaguing me about this though is that I’ve come to realize that I’m really not satisfied with the lack of physical contact between us. A screaming part of me shamefully understands that this is in direct violation of the boundaries first established when we started dating due to the nature of Nami’s sexuality. _Asexuality_.

 

 

It hurts me to admit that I am far more attracted to Akise than I’ve ever been to Manami. Manami has never shown any interest in physical contact whatsoever, and now after meeting Akise I find that it’s something my body is palpably craving. Basically, I’ve become a rampantly horny teenager, and there are some blatantly serious feelings building up like a volcano in my system that almost dangerously need release. For the first time in my life I realize that I _really_ want to have sex. _With Akise_. I hate myself.

 

 

But even though I hate myself, I start to wonder what it’d be like. Staring at Akise’s ass all day certainly helped with this. I imagine pressing into him, feeling him tight all around me and plunging deeply, firmly squeezing his ass with my hands. That soon rolled into all kinds of positions I had seen in various porn things throughout the years and I have to bite my lip to literally stifle whatever embarrassing sound wants to come out of my mouth at these thoughts. I already know that Akise and his perfect body are my go-to now in terms of masturbation fantasies. I’m a self described perverted scumbag having these thoughts squished between the two sleeping people next to me.

 

 

Some truly sinful part of me starts telling me that even though I’ve been attracted to boys my whole life that I’ve never indulged in playing with my ass. This sets off a whole different slew of highly erotic thoughts in my mind and I genuinely start to wonder what it’d be like the other way around. Like if he could make me come without even touching me by pounding my so called prostate. The thought of him pressed against my whole back, inside me makes me shudder. I make a mental note to do some seriously perverted shit to myself as soon as I get back to the total privacy of my dorm room.

 

 

By the time we reach the end of the forest at the bottom of the hills, I’m back to picturing Shrek and even women to calm myself down because these guys have already been gracious enough in sleeping while a boner has been aching in my pants for about an hour. _Jesus Christ what is wrong with me._

Not long after fighting with the imagery in my mind, I find myself getting really tired and I pass out with my head back, still feeling Akise’s warmth leaning into me and his beach gifted mess of hair on my shoulder.

 

 

I wake up when we’re entering the city and I see Shuuichi leaning forward with his head against the front seat, hand in Rantaro’s just like when he had passed a lighter back. Rantaro is stroking the other boy’s palm with his thumb and Shuuichi seems to be a little out of it but he’s smiling a little. Akise seems to have woken up before me, and he’s quietly staring out the window with his hand supporting his chin while he leans on the armrest of his door.

 

 

I realize Shuuichi is the only one of us who still doesn’t have a shirt on even though he’s tightly wrapped in a blanket. I reach back into one of the bags that I know isn’t mine or Akise’s and grab the first clean t-shirt I can find that looks like it’ll fit him. I don’t know which of them it belongs to, but I want to help him feel more comfortable. I nudge him gently and he slowly opens one eye and then the other. He doesn’t seem terribly distressed anymore and he looks at the shirt quietly muttering, “Thank you, Hajime.”

 

 

Shuuichi allows the blanket to slip down for what is probably the first time since I wrapped it around him at the beach and I hold the shirt open, helping him slip his arms into it, careful not to touch him. Once he finds the sleeves I feel him draw away to pull the shirt over his own head. This is a good sign. It’s the first time he’s done something for himself since all that shit happened earlier. He says thank you again before pulling the blanket back up and returning to his position leaning against the front seat, putting his hand back into his boyfriend’s.

 

……………………….

 

 

Akise lives downtown and we’re approaching his apartment building rather late in the evening. However, “apartment building” is a complete understatement; this thing is definitely full of _penthouses_. The building is even more impressive than the place he works in, architecturally speaking. It’s very modern, way too tall for my liking, and covered in wavy frosted glass on one side and looming white balconies on the other sides. They honestly remind me of magnolia petals.

 

 

It was tall enough to see the glass side from the freeway, but even having seen it before in passing, I had no idea it was a place where people lived. A glance at the front door we’ve parked in front of reveals a large lobby behind tall glass doors, completely covered in what I assume is _real_ white marble. It makes the place where the other boys live seem like a trash hole in comparison. I’m suddenly aware of the fact that Akise is fucking loaded. This is simply not a place where normal people could afford to live.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” I look over at him whispering next to me, realizing he hasn’t spoken to me since he helped me clean up almost five hours ago. This is the longest he’s stayed silent while he’s been awake and I’m kind of amazed at that but he’s looking far too innocent right now, and I can almost predict what he’s going to say. “Would you…like to have dinner with me tonight? It’s completely up to you, I would understand if you were sick of me by now.”

 

 

Yeah, he’s luring me out alone with him again. I’m seriously exhausted but I’m not ready to say goodbye to him either. I smile at him and tell him that it sounds like a good idea. After practically glowing at my response, he gets out to go around to the back to get our things.

 

 

I turn to say goodbye to Shuuichi, who gives me half a glance and a weak wave from under the blanket before grabbing my sleeve and handing me a _huge_ bag of weed. In a quiet voice he tells me that I should hold onto it because he’s not sure if he’s going to the party tomorrow. This is the first I’ve heard of a party, but yeah, I’ll do him that solid for sure.  Shuuichi was well known for just like smoking anyone and everyone out at parties. Ouma tells me “thanks again for everything” without looking back and I wonder if all the exhaustion is making him a bit grouchy. Getting out, I realize that the bag barely fits in my pocket and I smell like a legit grow room right now.

 

 

Rantaro had gotten out right after Akise, I presumed to help us remove our things from the back, but when they come into view, Rantaro has Akise by his collar and is harshly whispering something I can’t catch right against his brother’s ear. When I approach them in concern, he rapidly lets him go and gets back in the car without a word or glance at me. I really don’t know how to feel about this and when I ask Akise, he just says something about siblings having inevitable differences, which totally feels like he’s just brushing me off.

 

 

I wonder about what he said but honestly I have no idea what that would feel like. I don’t have any siblings. Something was nagging me about the whole thing though because none of it was making any sense, but we’re walking into the lobby after he enters a code at the front door, and I’m fully distracted by literally everything about this place.

 

 

The ceiling is high with light coming from large frosted glass tiles forming a pattern in it. Even the simple details of this open space look expensive as hell. After he gets his mail from a box he opens with a small key, he leads me into one of the elevators that are on either side of the lobby. There’s a huge staircase opposite the door making me wonder exactly how high up in this building he lives if we need an elevator. I’m grateful though, this day has really worn me out.

 

 

I’m kind of figuratively shitting myself when he presses the button for the top floor, having to enter another code for access to it. This is definitely the going to be the highest I’ve ever been in a building in my sheltered life.

 

“How long have you lived here?”

 

 

“Four years.”

 

 

“…since you were _twenty?_ ” Yes. I am nineteen. And I live in a shitty dorm. And the house I grew up in could have fit back there in the fucking lobby with room to spare.

 

 

“Yea…” I’m currently assuming that the Amami family is beyond well off even though it’s weird that Akise’s apartment building is at least five hundred thousand times better than Rantaro’s…but I had heard a while back that Rantaro had been thrown out for being gay or something?...Maybe this is what happens when you’re not thrown out? Their dad was something nuts too. Like a judge or some shit.

 

 

When we exit the elevator, there are tall glass windows in front of me and the view is both stunning and makes me dizzy with vertigo. Everything below looks tiny and incredibly far away. I can see the whole city lit up against the night sky. I wasn’t expecting any of this and once again I feel surprised by the novelty of everything I’ve experienced in the last few days.

 

 

We walk out into a well lit, wide hallway with windows and pillars on one side and a blank wall on the other. Again, the floors are marble and it continues half way up the wall. The windows lining the other side of the hall go from the floor then gradually curve over half of the ceiling so during the day I can imagine this place would be bathed in sunlight. It’s almost too much. What the hell am I doing in a place like this? With Akise no less.

 

 

At one end of this hall, he motions for me to come over as he’s opening his door with another code pressed into a keypad. Jesus, does this guy really have to punch in three separate codes just to get into his house every day? The door is thick and painted black, contrasting with the stark bright hallway, and he opens it into his apartment. _No._ _His penthouse. Akise has a fucking penthouse._ This place is as lush as some of the things I’ve seen in real estate magazines lying around salons and dentist offices. There’s obviously not a whole lot of reading options when you’re a guy in those places. Anyway, I know my jaw is kind of dropping against my will at how all of this looks to me.

 

 

First of all, it’s fucking huge. Secondly, it’s incredibly empty and I can tell that Akise is a complete minimalist. The tall curving glass windows from the hallway continue along one side, with the same support pillars every 20 feet or so. The white marble flooring of the hallway is replaced with large clay slabs. They’re smooth and a pale pinkish brown color. I smile because it’s the almost same shade as the tips of his ridiculous hair. The walls opposite the window side look like giant concrete panels leading up to a high ceiling with each square having large set-in bolts in each corner. It would feel impersonally industrial if they weren’t the palest shade of gray with a faint iridescence as if crushed pearls were mixed into the concrete.

 

 

While my first impression was emptiness, it’s just that there are large empty spaces between the bare essentials of furniture. There’s a large and comfortable looking sectional couch set into a lowered section of floor, one side of it facing a wall that has a wide screen pulled down from the tall ceiling. So no television, but there’s a small projector pointed towards the screen with a thin laptop connected to it sitting on a low table in front of the couch. Under the projector screen there’s a long low bookshelf along that entire wall, completely full of more books than I’ve seen anywhere outside of a library.

 

 

By the windows on the side of the room, there’s a pair of really comfortable looking overly modern leather chairs facing out towards the view with a small bare table between them. One of the chairs has a soft looking blanket draped over the back of it and a book is lying open on the matching foot rest in front of it. The chairs are flanked by a pair of large verdant ferns suspended at eye level in large pots, hung from chains where the curved glass of the window meets the ceiling. The fronds of the ferns extend nearly to the floor. Looking further down, there are two more evenly spaced hanging ferns between the next set of pillars, making four in total along that side of the room.

 

 

I can barely see into the kitchen behind a wall, but half way between there and the windows there’s a simple black table with a set of four chairs around it. Again, the floor is set so that a small step leads up to this area. On the wall behind the table, there’s an entire section of the wall, floor to ceiling covered in succulents, beautifully overlapping and green against the pale walls. It all fits so well with everything I’ve seen him do with plants so far, but at the same time I can’t believe this guy was sharing a gross public shower room with me and walked around barefoot in dirt and sand half the time we were camping.

 

 

On the side of the apartment directly across from the windows, there’s another elevated area separated from the main floor by a several steps. I’m a little shocked that there’s a bathing area pretty much open to the rest of the space save for a half wall. Behind it I can make out a large shower and sink with a tall mirror above it. _Jesus Christ, this place is unbelievable_.

 

 

I’ve tried hard not to notice, but yeah. His bed is right in the middle of the room, jutting out from the wall separating this area from the kitchen. It’s huge and low to the ground. I don’t even think there’s a bed frame under it, just the mattress on the floor pushed up against the wall. The white bedding reminds me of my dream and I try to ignore the fluttery feeling this gives me. Even though there’s a lack of elegance about the bed, it seems customized as there’s a single inset shelf in the wall right above it, covered in even more books. The rest of the wall above the bed seems to partially extend out in a pixilated fashion with the cubic concrete sections randomly providing shelf space along it for more plants and what could be considered bedside tables.

 

 

The entire space is kind of blowing my mind and I’m having waves of inadequacy over it. Whatever I thought about him before is now being rewritten with a definitive respect for his tastes and affinity for all things beautiful.

 

 

He’s already dropped his suitcase on the floor and is over by the dining room table setting down some of his belongings when he notices that I haven’t moved from the doorway. I’m just remembering to remove my shoes and close my mouth when he speaks to me.

 

 

“Are you all right, Hinata-kun?” _Am I all right? Dude. You obviously have more money than anyone I’ve ever met and no one told me. What do you expect?_

“Yeah I’m fine…it’s just a little overwhelming.” _A lot overwhelming_. He’s smiling at me and tells me I can put my things wherever so I put them on the floor on the side of the couch closest to the door trying to make them as inconspicuous as possible. It feels like any bit of clutter would pollute the entire aesthetic he’s got going on here.

 

 

“Oh. Um…It’s kind of late, but there’s a few decent places I know we could order from that are still open…is there anything in particular you’d want to eat?” He tells me gently as I join him near the table. And _holy shit_ the kitchen is in view for the first time and it’s decked out with stainless steel everything. He even has a fully stocked _refrigerated_ liquor cabinet visible behind a set of glass doors. Looking behind me over the table and through the other set of ferns, I can see there’s a door leading out to a terrace area, but it’s dark so I can’t see much except the silhouette of even more plants out there, which doesn’t really surprise me at this point.

 

 

“You live here all by yourself?” I blurt out in disbelief. He laughs at me over this, covering his mouth and looking at me with an amused radiance reflected in his eyes.

 

 

“What, did you expect me to be married?” He’s cocking one eyebrow up at me looking like he’s on the verge of laughing even more. It’s like he has no sympathy whatsoever towards the awe I’m experiencing right now.

 

 

_“No.”_ I know he’s not married and honestly, I seriously wonder what kind of woman would even try to put up with Akise. I don’t even let my thoughts extend to whatever the hell I’m doing alone in his apartment with him before continuing. “It’s just that I wasn’t expecting any of this.” I say plainly, waving one arm towards the expanse of gorgeous penthouse behind me.

 

 

He smiles gently at this, all signs of his previous teasing unfairly melting away quickly as his face softens into something I hate to admit I really like. _No_. I _love_ when his face is kind like this. And I _hate_ how he flips like a switch when truthfully, either way he’s driving me crazy. He’s looking down at the floor now and fiddling a little with his phone in his hand he had pulled out to order food and I start to wonder if I said something wrong.

 

 

“Do you dislike it, Hinata-kun?” He says in a smaller voice than he has ever used with me and it feels like there’s some kind of sadness in it. _God, no_.

 

 

“Akise.” I lower my head to make eye contact with him and he looks back at me, his eyes a shade darker than usual with some kind of unidentifiable emotion. “How could I not like it?” I tell him softly, trying to show him a harmless smile and some kind of cheerful thing in my voice that even I’m not very sure I’m accomplishing properly. It works though, because he’s looking up again and smiling a little.

 

 

I tell him that whatever he picks to eat is fine with me and he tells me that a good Thai place should still be open. I haven’t had Thai food before so I tell him to order whatever for me. When he makes the call, it doesn’t escape me that he tells the restaurant employee that he’ll come pick the food up when it’s ready.

 

 

Before I can ask about where we’re going, he tells me that he’ll go pick up the food so I can shower in relative privacy. Both of my eyes kind of widen at the trust he’s placing in me, to leave me here by myself even though we’ve only known each other for a few days. The incredible hospitality he’s already offered me is hard to comprehend. I do admittedly feel physically disgusting despite the small clean up he helped me with earlier. I’m also sore all over my body from not only swimming in the ocean today, but that whole shit show that resulted in me carrying Shuuichi up a fucking cliff. I kind of feel bad for Akise, I must have been smelling pretty dank this whole time despite his generous efforts with the witch hazel. And like, not the good weed kind of dank. The bad kind that means you need to shower. With soap.

 

 

He tells me to give him my dirty laundry, but I refuse to let him touch anything because I can’t stand the idea of him touching my filthy things and several of my socks from the trip are just well. I don’t want to think about it right now. So he shows me his laundry room behind the bathing area. Glancing over, I can now see the open shower area also has a large tub behind the half wall above the living room…bedroom? It’s hard to classify things when there’s barely any walls in this apartment.

 

 

Next to the laundry room is another room behind a door with a toilet, sink and yeah, a bidet. There’s several other doors off of this small hallway, but he tells me they’re just closets. From one of these, he pulls out a soft neatly folded towel set for me. A fucking set. Not just a towel, but a matching hand towel and washcloth as well. He pauses in thought, then reaches up to the top shelf and hands me a new set of slippers as well.

 

 

When he had cooked for us before, I had thought briefly that he was like a goddess, and now I’m realizing he is kind of like the patron saint of housewives or something. He doesn’t seem to notice the small laugh I let out as he’s showing me how the knobs work in the shower, as if I wouldn’t figure it out on my own. He then politely takes his leave after telling me to make myself at home, and I’m left wondering what happened to the lewd shotgunning enabler side of him from two days ago. Maybe it’s just that I smell like garbage right now.

 

 

I strip out of what I’m wearing in the laundry area, tossing my clothes into the washer to start it. It feels weird to be walking around his apartment naked, especially with the windows right there, but unless a helicopter is about to fly by, I know no one is going to be able to see me. Walking by the mirror I notice that my hair is pretty fucked up from falling asleep in the car and I feel embarrassed that I’ve just been looking like this the whole time without knowing it.

 

 

His shower is _nice_. The shower head is higher up than what I’m used to, so I don’t have to awkwardly duck under it like in my dorm. I smile to myself thinking that this is probably a direct result of both of us being kind of tall. This thought gets filed in with the rest of all the meaningless things I like that I’ve noticed about him. The water pressure is much better than I’m used to as well and it’s really relaxing.

 

 

He ran a bath for me as well before leaving, and after shaving, I step into it. The water was a little warmer than I would have liked, but it was probably better for my strained muscles that way. I had seen him put some kind of oil in the bathwater while it was filling up, but sinking down and lying there with just my face above the surface, I could smell lavender and something else that was both herbal and distinctly like menthol. Despite how it smells, I’m starting to fully relax. I definitely don’t want to be in this position when he returns though so I don’t linger too long in the bath even though it feels amazing. Getting out, I’m surprised at how relaxed my body feels. My skin is radiating heat and the room feels pleasantly cool against me.

 

 

I had one more set of clean clothes with me, but like. It’s basically pajamas with a t-shirt and sweat pants. I wonder if it would be interpreted as presuming, being dressed so comfortably and seemingly ready to sleep here if I put this on... I don’t really have a choice though as my all of my other clothes are half way through the laundry cycle. I just sincerely hope he doesn’t provoke me because sweats literally can’t hide shit when it comes to awkward boners. Being honest with myself, I know that even if he doesn’t provoke me, my perverted thoughts can do more than half the work on their own when he’s around.

 

 

I’m walking around barefoot and I notice the main floor is slightly warm. I’m really not surprised that he’s so rich that he has a heating system through the floor. I have the smaller towel around my neck and after semi-drying my hair, I try to flatten it down as much as possible. However, there’s this one spot at the top of my head that disobeys every single time and I really can’t help it. Confident that I’ve done the best I can with it, I walk past the hanging ferns to the door leading out to the terrace, curious about what might be out there.

 

 

Opening the door, a chain of small lights lining the entire area turn on emitting a pinkish glow over everything. I had been expecting maybe a railed off balcony, but I’m surprised to find that it almost looks more like a small garden. The ground here is simple concrete and feels pleasantly cool against my bare feet. Instead of a rail, the space is enclosed in a tall curving opaque glass ‘fence.’ The addition of the lights seem out of place for this entire building but fit him so well that I can’t help smiling as I explore further. The air up here is much cooler than it had been on the ground and really, I’m grateful for the wall because the drop down must be terrifying.

 

 

The door opens to a small area that curves to lead into a larger area. All along the edge are various potted plants from herbs to flowers and even one of those aloe vera things. All of them look incredibly healthy if slightly overgrown, and I realize that he’s not only knowledgeable about the ways plants work but very good at maintaining them. I start to wonder if he’s one of those eccentric people that talk to their plants and play music for them.

 

 

Walking around the corner to the larger area, my breath kind of catches at what I see there. A wooden trellis has been customized to fit the curved space, built on a raised area that has a slatted wooden floor. There’s climbing plants intertwining around the delicately constructed support beams, covering the entire trellis and hanging down every side of it and parts of the interior. Some of these have flowers while most resemble dangling vines. The lights have also extended along the beams and across the top, giving the miniature room an almost surreal appearance in the soft glow. What had caused me to almost gasp though was a large stone bath taking up most of the space under the trellis sticking out of the raised floor. Walking closer, it looks like a fucking boulder was cut in half and hollowed out to make a giant oblong bowl. It’s imposing and beautiful at the same time, just like everything here. Just like everything he does.

 

 

I reach out to touch the polished edge of the rock tub and admire how smooth and cool it feels against my fingers. There’s several large and plain candles along the edge closest to the plant covered wall and I take back my previous thought about not understanding how anyone could stand Akise long enough to develop a long term relationship with him. I almost hate myself for thinking that whoever chose to do so would be lucky to have all of this as a part of their daily life whether or not they could stand him. It’s a shallow thought and I’m trying to remove it from my mind when I hear him call out to me from the door I had left open.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, are you there?” I twist around to see him turning the corner into this part of the terrace and he’s smiling vibrantly at me, eyes shining gray in the soft light. “You found my little treasure.” Little is an understatement, but whatever. He’s probably seen more impressive things in his life than I could even imagine.

 

 

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind, I was curious about what was outside. This is incredible. And it’s so you.” I say to him, knowing my face is probably blushing after that last part. He motions for me to follow him inside and once the warmth of the room envelops me I can smell something delicious. It’s like coconut mixed with cilantro and something that seems spicy but not unpleasant.

 

 

Instead of sitting at the dining room table, he walks over in front of the couch, and I can see he’s set two places for us at the coffee table. The settings are diagonal from each other at the corner and placed fairly close together. It feels intimate but not awkward or overly intrusive. Again I’m impressed with how he always seems to do things with such care whether he means to or not. Well…whether he means to or not is a mystery and the care he puts into things is a constant. It’s weird but I like it. I sit down next to him as he hands me an ice filled drink that looks like half milk and half sweet potato.

 

 

“Thai iced tea. Shake it around to mix it like this.” He takes his drink and swirls it gently in his hand until the mixture turns an even shade of pale reddish orange, and I follow suit mixing mine. It has a watery texture contrary to my first impression. I tentatively take a sip and it’s sweet and strange but really… uh, interesting. “It tastes better if you let the ice melt a bit so it’s watered down. It’s kind of intense otherwise,” he tells me as I set my drink back down.

 

 

He’s giving me that same marveling smile that he does whenever I experience something for the first time and I recall how he grabbed my hands when I first saw the ocean thinking that it’s far less shocking than it was then. It actually makes me feel slightly warm inside and it has nothing to do with sexual attraction, but more like the feelings I experienced in my dream and I have to look down before my face betrays… _something_ in me.

 

 

The overpowering scent of the food is making my mouth water and carefully concealing my emotions, I look up as he’s pouring a soup into bowls and placing food onto our plates. He tells me that the food is a coconut curry while he ladles it over steamed rice, and that the soup is also coconut based but it’s reddish while the curry is a bright yellow color. Everything tastes fucking amazing, and I’m so grateful I did _not_ suggest pizza earlier when he asked me what I wanted to eat. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I finished everything and asked for more. Again I notice he eats a much smaller portion than I do and doesn’t indulge in a second serving like me.

 

 

“Why do you starve yourself like that?” It had been bothering me for days now and the concern I was feeling over his almost frail frame came out of my mouth in my increasingly typical way of speaking before I think. He’s looking at me with a slightly offended expression like I just accused him of having an eating disorder and immediately I tell him that I’m sorry for prying.

 

 

“It’s ok Hinata-kun.” He’s says quietly while looking down curling the edge of his napkin in his lap between his delicate fingers. “I just get full easily, I don’t know if you can relate to this.” I feel so bad for putting him on the spot and I just nod my head apologizing to him again. It’s his life and I want to be a good friend to him especially after everything he’s done for me so far.

 

 

He pushes the plate in front of him away and reaches into a drawer in the table beside him pulling out a grinder, a small glass jar full to the brim with sparkly weed, expensive looking rolling papers and some kind of gardening magazine to set everything on. In silence he starts breaking up a piece of the weed with the grinder, then rolling a joint, inserting a small crutch he makes from tearing off a little of the card enclosing the rolling papers. He twists the other end and lights it after motioning for me to sit up on the couch next to where he is on the floor.

 

 

He stays on the floor though, and in one fluid motion he turns up onto his knees, pushing my legs apart and takes up residence with my thighs on either side of his waist. Before I can process all of this, he reaches around my neck and shotguns the smoke right into my gaping mouth. I wasn’t prepared to inhale, but I take it from him, embarrassed that I’ve been craving this from him all day. The press of his lips is gentle and I’m careful with my own lips not to hurt his scab that I can feel against me. He pulls away, smiling kindly, his gorgeous eyes shining.

 

 

“Thank you for worrying about me, Hinata-kun.” He says softly, touching his forehead to mine as I blow the smoke out to the side so as not to hit him in the face with it. The taste of it is so nice and I wonder if this is because it came out of him or if the weed is just that good. The side of his mouth twists up on one side, no doubt reacting to the color rising in my face over his sudden advance. I timidly place my hands on his waist, resting my arms on my thighs. I can’t help but gently stroke his sides with my thumbs in small circles, feeling the heat of his body through his thin shirt.

 

 

He keeps his grip around my neck with one arm, moving the other to press the joint up to my lips and I take a deep drag knowing it will extend the pass the more I’m able to inhale. His fingers feel cool and soft against my lips and I think about how I love the way his fingers feel there, gently pressing into me.

 

 

I’m alarmed at how much I like him and how my head is getting blurry with the weed taking effect, making me palpably recall those increasingly pervasive emotions of the dream I had this morning. When I press my lips to him again, exhaling into him, I’m definitely thinking about how nice and warm it felt when he held me last night in his sleep. I feel my hands involuntarily grip his thin waist, pulling him closer right against the couch. I’m sitting half way back on the cushion so there’s no danger of brushing him with whatever my dick decides to do over this sudden contact.

 

 

When my lips touch his again, I move my hands around to his back, running my fingers up to his shoulder blades, tracing their shape, feeling my mind getting higher and higher. I consciously know it’s not just the weed getting to me, but his closeness and my emotions making me feel almost giddy. I start to smile against his lips and a little smoke escapes because of this. I feel him smiling back and our eyes are locked in this precious moment. God. He is good. So good.

 

 

I feel like I could easily kiss him, ravishing his mouth and honestly his whole face, jaw and exposed neck, but I am fully aware that his face is injured and that I’ve never kissed anyone. It makes me feel almost shy, that I would want it to be perfect and deep, to make him feel how much I want him. But not now. It’s just something I keep inside, like a sleeping hope for the future.

 

 

I push all thoughts of guilt and Manami right out of my mind, fully taking in what’s going on in front of me. He’s so fucking beautiful and although he is annoying as fuck at times, I know the attraction I have for him is fully sexual and bleeding over into emotions I’ve never felt for anyone. I’m mentally recording every second in my mind because of how sacred these moments feel with him kneeling between my legs.

 

 

We exchange single breaths until the joint can’t possibly provide any more hits. By the end, both of my hands are up in his soft hair at the nape of his neck, massaging his scalp there. He leans back a little, but not enough to pull out of my grip on the back of his head. He reaches behind him and flawlessly places the joint in the ashtray without even looking. It makes me smile at him, but suddenly he’s reaching for the hem of my t-shirt pulling it up with his expression in askance. I’m so not ready for this but I let him pull my shirt up over my head, releasing him to let it slide off my arms.

 

 

After my shirt is off, shit gets awkward. He’s just kneeling there with his hands on my thighs, not moving, staring intently at my chest. I have no idea what to do with my hands so I tentatively place them over his, feeling the delicate bone structure under his skin. His hands are one of the best things about him in my mind, and I slip my thumbs under to rest between his palms and my thighs.

 

 

He kind of jolts at the press of my thumbs into his palms, and he looks up from my chest, slowly removing one of his hands from my grip only to trace his fingers upward lightly over my front in a line between every sparse birthmark and freckle between my waist and shoulders. This is the most intimate way anyone has ever touched me and I’m seriously wondering if any of this is actually real right now.

 

 

He removes his other hand and symmetrically moves his hands to delicately brush his finger tips from my neck, across to my shoulders and part way down my arms, stopping at the middle of my biceps. He pulls his hands away to nervously clasp them in front of his chest, turning his head to the side and then down towards the floor. After a long awkward moment, he turns back to me, looking into my eyes to speak to me.

 

 

“You’re so beautiful, Hinata-kun. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to touch you like this.” His entire statement rolls around my mind making me feel both flattered and annoyed like most of the things that he says to me. Again I speak without thinking, moving my hands back to his waist and meeting his eyes.

 

 

“You’re the one who looks like a fucking model and has more money than god.” I breathe out harshly, feeling almost mortified at what I just said but I don’t give him the opportunity to interrupt me. “I just don’t know how you could say something like that.” I can feel my face heating up like a fucking sun right now as I continue bleeding out my unholy thoughts to him. “Look. I think you’re beautiful.” I take his chin gently in my hand, still resting the other lightly on his hip. Inches away from his face, I gently say to him, “I’ve never met _anyone_ like you. I meant it when I said I’d like to be your friend last night. I don’t know what to do when you start saying awful shit about yourself, _but it doesn’t change_ _anything_. I like being around you and I really want to know you better.”

 

 

I’m in full shock at myself in this moment. I have no idea where the intensity of my words came from and I feel really cliché having used the word beautiful out loud. My face feels so uncomfortably hot and he’s looking at me in this combination of awe and losing it into laughter that makes him cover his mouth with one hand. I probably deserve to be laughed at after that confession but it still stings a little that nothing I ever convey to him seems to be taken seriously. On second thought, that’s probably a good thing because deep down I know that I’m a fucking cheating pervert. It certainly crosses my own mind that _I’m_ the one who shouldn’t be here, like _this_ , with _him_.

 

 

I can only hope my face isn’t revealing these dark thoughts taking me over. He stands up and puts his hand out to help me up off the couch. Not letting me go, just like our run through the woods the other night, he leads me to his fucking bed and my mind is racing when he says that he wants to do something to make me feel good. Imagery of blow jobs is clouding my thoughts as he tells me to lie back.

 

 

My head lands on soft pillows as I lie down feeling his cool bedding under me. He shamelessly climbs over me and reaches into the open space under the ledge to the side of the bed, pulling out at bottle of some kind of oil. He returns to straddling me with his ass firmly planted against my dick and I’m thanking every god in existence right now even though I’m not sure what the hell to expect.

 

 

Looking down at me, he says in a low, sinfully velvet voice, “That was so kind of you, back at the beach…to help Shuuichi like that. I was really impressed.” He leans down to plant his face with his lips dangerously close to my ear and I can barely contain myself when he whispers, “You are truly a good person, Hinata-kun.” I know this made my dick twitch up right into him and I’m swallowing what I know is a fucking groan trying to crawl out of my throat _. What the fuck is he doing to me right now?_

He sits back up and pours a ton of the oil into his hand, some of it dripping over his palm onto my stomach. Making a fist with his oiled hand he caps the bottle with his other hand, setting it down on the bed beside us. His expression reminds me so much of the boy in my dream when he carefully drips the oil all over my chest in a carefully planned languid motion. He even drips some onto my arms and shoulders.

 

 

Once his hand has no more oil to give, he uses his fingertips to softly spread it evenly over my skin. When his fingers brush my nipples in unison the noise I had been trying so hard to ingest rips its way out of my mouth and he pulls back with wide eyes.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” he says playfully, “This is just a _massage_ , calm down.” _Ah_. So this is just another extension of the ‘non-erotic’ experiences he keeps throwing at me. _Whatever. Don’t stop touching me. Don’t ever stop touching me._

 

My heart is beating out some kind of dubstep shit as he presses his fingers and palms into my skin in deliberate ministrations, moving over every muscle. He’s even pressing into places that I had no idea were so sore, working out every knot across my chest, the front of my shoulders and down my arms. When his palms press over my nipples I have to bite my lip because it feels so fucking good. I kind of knew they were sensitive, but I didn’t expect his touch to elicit this kind of reaction. Whenever he touches them, it tingles along the nerves all through my abdomen and right up into the back of my throat. I fucking love it.

 

 

Unfortunately for me, he seems to avoid my nipples altogether after that, focusing more on tightened muscles in the space connecting the sides of my chest to my shoulders. This part was very tender from carrying Shuuichi and I felt myself giving in to relaxation as he continued this ‘massage.’

 

 

For a long while I looked up at him as he focused on his fingers with a faint smile on his lips. His hair was hanging around his pretty face like a fluffy white halo. I wanted so badly to touch it, but I had been instructed to lie flat and not move after one attempt so I surrendered, silently lying here in my thoughts. With the way he treats me, I could probably easily override his instruction if I told him I _wanted_ to touch him. But it was rare for him to tell me to do anything and that in itself gave me some strange sense of satisfaction. I wanted to tell him to remove his shirt and kiss me, but this was _just a massage_ and _oh hey, I totally have a boyfriend coming back home to me in two days_.

 

 

I’m scum. I keep telling myself that over and over while he’s running his graceful fingers over me, giving me more pleasure than he probably realizes. After a while I give in to my exhaustion and the way he’s literally unwinding me under his oily palms. My eyes begin to close and internally I focus on every touch. This is amazing too, not looking. Not knowing where he’ll place his hand next—

 

 

“Roll over.” _God, what the hell did I do to deserve this?_ I wordlessly obey him and lie flat on his plush duvet, sinking into it. It’s so soft, and over the herbal scent of the oil I swear I can smell him in this bed. It’s pleasant and incredibly relaxing. I feel him dripping oil over me again, and I don’t open my eyes once while he works all over my back, neck and shoulders for nearly a fucking hour.

 

 

I’m literally about to fall asleep feeling amazing because of this. I feel him move off of me and lie down facing me. I open my eyes and he’s there, kind of near me but not close enough. He’s lying on his side with his hand flat against the mattress under his face. His eyes are very pretty right now and if I wasn’t so shy and guilt ridden I would tell him that. His hair is carelessly hanging over half of his face and that just won’t do. I reach over and gently tuck it behind his ear, softly touching his cheek briefly as I pull my hand back to under my face, mirroring him. I see him look down for a moment and bite his lip, his cheeks gaining a little color in them and this is probably the best thing I’ve seen today.

 

 

In a moment of intense awkwardness, we both go to speak at the same time, me of course being crudely embarrassing;

 

 

“I’m sorry I got a boner--”

 

 

“Do you feel any bett--”

 

 

“Uh”

 

 

“Excuse me?”

 

 

“I feel _so_ much better, thank you so much.” My voice spills out nervously, a full octave higher than usual. _Jesus I never learn_. I really need to filter myself around him but this kind of shit always seems to happen with him before I give it any thought. He’s laughing again behind the cover of his hand and his eyes seem so amused at what I just said that it makes me laugh a little too. Luckily this conversation is totally glazing over the fact that I said his massage made me hard, and I’m eternally grateful for that.

 

 

He gives me a sweet “Thank you, Hinata-kun” before telling me that he’s going to shower now and it’s fine if I just stay here for the night. I’m practically falling asleep so I don’t protest at all when he subsequently grabs the edges of the duvet, wrapping them tightly over my whole body like a giant burrito. I smile huge at this gesture but then giving way to my exhaustion, that’s the last thing I remember before falling asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda is not an albino hehehe 
> 
> ~but~
> 
> I do believe he was born with white hair which is so contrary to like everyone out there. Please let me elaborate…There’s an official manga with Komaeda as a child. A picture of him with his beloved dog. His hair is pure white. In ultra despair girls, unlike in sdr2 and the dr animes…it is again pure white. So this leads me to my ludicrous yet beloved hc that the pinkish brown tips? Oh yeah. That’s all personal style choice aka dye aka salon time aka our boi canonically likes to get his hair done. You’re welcome x
> 
> also i know it was in the middle of some serious shit but u don't know how much i laughed my ass off writing ouma literally into a vine when he pulled the gun out ahhhhhjjj
> 
> thank you for reading, your kudos & comments mean the world to me <3


	4. giving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s starting to look concerned about the silence on my part and he leans over me asking, “Hinata-kun, are you all right?” _I’m fucking great._ But I can’t say that. And it’s not entirely accurate anyway. I’m actually a fucking mess, literally and figuratively. I squint my eyes tightly before going on to embarrass myself first thing in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh. This chapter is relatively short compared to the previous chapters. But it’s the prelude to the party where Hinata first started reflecting on the last few days with ‘Akise.’
> 
> So like in regard to Chapter 4,, sometimes when you’re writing a komahina slow burn, you have to make Hinata have a dirty ass dream to satiate your own selfish needs for a “fuxkin” scene, you know? Enjoy.

 

I wake up gently, wrapped in softness, bright sunlight filling the room and the scent of fresh coffee reaching me. I sink back into the duvet, pulling it up over my face, admiring the smell of the coffee mixing with that of the oil he had rubbed into my skin and how the bedding smells like him. I know exactly where I am and it makes me excessively happy in this half awake state.

 

 

Almost abruptly my eyes pop open recalling the dream I was having before I woke up. I _never_ dream this much and _jesus christ_. It also involved Akise, but this one was _so_ different from the last one. And this one was. _Well_. It was incredibly sexual. My face heats up faster than I can recall details and I have to cover my mouth to keep from exhaling an audible “ **Oh. My. God.** ” It all comes back to me in a rush and it’s absolutely no surprise I’ve woken up hard and soaking wet in my sweats.

 

 

I close my eyes and replay it in my mind, trying to trace every detail. I realize that I’m starting to give my dreams unprecedented value because they’ve been so intense and about _him_.

 

 

Again, he was much younger and it felt like I was a little younger too. Like we were _both_ teenagers. This one was far more realistic than the last one, but no less effective in causing all kinds of foreign feelings to pulse through me after waking.

 

 

My surroundings in my dream were vividly clear. We were in a dusty library, with tables and shelves of books all around us. We were sitting on the floor, he was naked in front of me, and I had my pants and boxers around my knees with my shirt unbuttoned even though I had a ridiculous green tie still around my neck.

 

 

I clearly recall that my hands were tied above my head to a railing on one of the upper levels, most of the library behind me. I was effectively trapped in this position but I didn’t feel any sense of danger, just incredible lust and expectation as I watched him move sensually in front of me, crawling over with a precarious smile on his face to straddle my legs.

 

 

In one hand, he was waving a jar in front of my face telling me that he had knicked some coconut oil from the kitchen. He meandered up until our dicks were right up against each other and I remember seeing all kinds of teeth marks and hickeys along his neck, shoulders, and chest as he came closer.

 

 

He grabbed a hold of my stupid tie, pulling my face to his and kissed me, fully. His tongue slid along mine in a messy whirl while our lips crashed together in intense waves. It lasted _so long_. Our faces kept changing position through the flow of the kiss.

 

 

 _No_. _Making out_ is what people call this shit. But like. It was so _hot_. And so fucking chaotic. I was drooling uncontrollably into him, wanting so badly to reach out and touch him but unable to because of the restraints on my wrists above my head.

 

 

With his hand that was not choking me with my own tie, he was literally torturing me the whole time by pinching my nipples _hard_ , and fucking pulling on them. It sent waves of heat all through me driving me mad. I remember thinking he was a demon at one point. Suddenly he let my tie go slack in his hand and pulled back, smiling at me, lips reddened from the friction and saliva dripping down to his chin. He was twirling my tie between his pale fingers and lewd didn’t even begin to describe the look on his face.

 

 

Not breaking our intense eye contact, he reached over and opened the jar, taking a generous amount in his palm, just like with the oil last night. The coconut oil however was nearly solid, like half melted butter. He rubbed his hands together and slid one around both of our dicks running his hand up and down driving me insane. It was viscous, warm and _squelching_. All I could smell was coconut the whole time. The Thai food and massage from last night have obviously somehow worked wonders on my subconscious.

 

 

Presently, not giving any thought _whatsoever_ to where Akise was, I reached into my sweats and pulled my dick out, shamelessly touching myself along with the recollection of the dream.

 

 

His touch was unbearably unpredictable. Hard and fast rapidly changing to slow and loose. Using his whole hand in one moment and then the tips of his fingers in another. It was torture. I remember at one point he leaned forward and bit my lower lip hard while sliding his hand down with a firm grip and I felt like I might come. He pulled his face back and gave me a single look that told me I daren’t because he wasn’t done with me.

 

 

I gulped and let him continue, noticing that his other hand was behind him and I could see his arm moving, knowing exactly what he was doing. _Fuck_.

 

 

I had to press my face into Akise’s pillow at this point because I keenly remembered the next part and I wanted to swear out loud. I still had the sense about me not to move in a way that would give me away, just like that disgraceful night in the fucking jeep when I was blazed on opium. I don’t even know if I’ve gone a full 24 hours since I met him _not_ jacking off to him. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

In my dream, I watched him finger himself harder and harder, his face twisting into something beautifully erotic, gasping and closing his eyes against the pleasure he was giving himself. He hadn’t let go of our dicks either, and as he was working himself up, his motions became more erratic and sloppier. I was fucking grateful for this because it served to slightly inch me away from my inevitable orgasm, which was _not allowed yet_ in this little game we were playing.

 

 

The look he gave me as he removed his hand from behind himself nearly killed me. His eyes were glazed under a fan of gorgeous pale eyelashes, devouring me with his wet mouth hanging open. He leaned forward to kiss me again, far more gently this time, sweetly pulling my lips between his and running his tongue along them before moving to press hot open mouth kisses along my jaw, pausing just under my ear to suck hard on my neck, inexorably bruising the skin there.

 

 

He hadn’t let go of our dicks this whole time, and I felt so much pressure building up it was _incredibly_ difficult not to give in and come all over both of us.

 

 

He moved his face up to bite and suck my earlobe, breathing out with wet lips pressed against my ear, telling me I was _so good_. That was like him pushing me over the edge and then reaching out to forcefully pull me back by adding a lust laden, _don’t come_ before he moved back away from me.

 

 

He rapidly let go of our dicks and I didn’t know whether to be upset or grateful. So typical, I realize. He’s always exposing me to conflicting emotions, even in my dreams.

 

He backed away, a wicked smile playing on his lips while he stroked his own dick right there in front of me, having no shame whatsoever. Still straddling me, he was kneeling over my pants letting precum and melted oil drip down onto them knowing full well that it pissed me off. I remember telling him that he was killing me. My soaking dick was painfully hard and I desperately wanted him to let me come.

 

 

He crawled back up over me, long legs bent on either side of my waist while he lowered himself agonizingly slowly onto my dick.

 

 

I have to bite my hand lying in Akise’s bed over this part because it was fucking unbelievable. I’m a virgin. I haven’t even _kissed_ anyone. The most anyone has ever touched me was the fucking massage he gave me last night. But this dream was filthier than anything I had ever seen in porn. And like. I have seen a _lot_ of porn. I seriously wonder what fucked up part of my mind could have set off what he did next in my dream.

 

 

As he slowly slid down, I could feel him envelope me completely in tight _familiar_ warmth…I had the distinct impression that none of this was new to us in whatever world my dream was taking place in. _It was amazing?_ I moaned uncontrollably at this feeling, not having any clear senses about me to bother maintaining any dignity.

 

 

I briefly recall feeling _amused_ at the thought of anyone walking in on this. From my current point of view, I realize that it was a truly perverted way to look at the situation.

 

 

In the dream, when he fully took me in, effectively planting himself onto my lap, my head fell back and my vision went blurry for a moment. Everything was just too intense to process.

 

 

He sat there for a moment until both of us adjusted back to reality. Then he put both of his hands up onto where my hands were restrained, still coated in an oily mess. After running them all over my fingers then down my wrists, he took a firm grip around them with both hands and what he did next _blew my fucking mind_.

 

 

He fucking _twerked_ three times on my dick. I couldn't have controlled the sound I made if I tried. I think I was legitimately screaming his name, but that part was actually really fuzzy and I couldn’t presently remember it.  I do remember thinking, **_How_** _the hell is he **doing** this facing me? I'm losing it. I'm losing my fucking mind at this development_.

 

 

It was more than I could take; I came harder than I ever knew was possible, deep inside of him. I was legitimately seeing stars while he sat there with my dick pulsing inside of him, teasing my sensitivity by purposely squeezing around me and moving his hips in a little circle, smiling at me.

 

 

After I told him to stop fucking with me, his hands dropped and he wrapped his arms around my lower back, nuzzling my neck, not bothering to let me pull out. I was an infinitely ruined mess and I knew it. I looked down at him affectionately and he lifted his head to tenderly kiss me, whispering, “ _I love you, Hajime_ ” right against my lips right before I woke up.

 

 

That last part shocked me more than anything else in the dream. Truthfully, remembering _that_ and not the obscene erotic nature of the dream was what made me fall over the edge into orgasm lying awake in Akise’s bed this morning. I feel like I can still feel his breath against my mouth.

 

 

I had never heard Akise say my first name, and it rolled out so naturally in this fucked up dream I had. And although it was _fucked up_ , it was in an incredibly good way and I couldn’t help but smile huge under the blanket. Looking down at my sweats, I could tell that I had already come in my sleep as well which was like. No surprise at all.

 

 

Even if I’m a disgusting piece of shit right now, I’m floating in the feelings the dream gave me. Part of this is because I woke up before I could say anything back to him, and I know in my heart that I would have expressed the same feeling towards him in that situation with all of the things I felt there. Even with the ardent nature of the dream, the emotions I felt for the other boy were intense and present within me now.

 

 

I literally have no idea why this is happening to me. If I’m dreaming about him, why has it been so emotional and why are we kids in the dreams? _Well_. Why is _he_ a kid in them? We’re five years apart, there’s no way this would have happened in real life.

 

 

Most of all, why does it feel like _Akise_ is completely the wrong name for the person in my dream? Even though it’s totally him head to toe. It’s almost infuriating that this is the second time it’s slipped away as I woke up. All that fucking detail and the boy’s name is the one thing I can’t remember. Somewhere in the back of my mind there’s a nagging sensation that everything would make sense if I could just remember it.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” I start at the sound of my name and looking up over the edge of the blanket, I can see Akise holding a cup of coffee, moving to place it on the ledge next to the bed. He sits on the edge of the mattress and I cringe knowing I’ve ruined his duvet in addition to the sweats I’m wearing. I’m really not sure how to deal with this. _I’m such a bastard._

 

He’s got a pair of fitted black sweats on and a loose cream colored shirt that hangs off of one shoulder. For the first time since I met him a few days ago, he’s not wearing the mascara and his long lashes are just right there around those green eyes, looking soft and white as snow. His frivolous hair is in a loose bun with his messy fringe swept to one side, and I want to groan because he looks so fucking hot. I can’t rightly separate him from the imagery in my dream and that isn’t helping me speak at all.

 

 

He’s starting to look concerned about the silence on my part and he leans over me asking, “Hinata-kun, are you all right?” _I’m fucking great._ But I can’t say that. And it’s not entirely accurate anyway. I’m actually a fucking mess, literally and figuratively. I squint my eyes tightly before going on to embarrass myself first thing in the morning.

 

 

“I. Uh.” Jesus there’s no decent way to say this. My face feels hot and I’m so fucking mortified at myself right now. “I need a towel,” I say practically in a whisper. He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything as he gets up to get one for me.

 

 

I reach up to take it from him and right before I can grasp it, he pulls it back with a cute smirk playfully asking, “Did you have a _wet dream_ , Hinata-kun?”

 

 

I literally _cannot_ make eye contact with him after that and I mutter back to him quietly, “Something like that.” He makes a short amused humming sound, hands me the towel and politely gets up, walking around the corner back into the kitchen. I realize there’s food cooking and it’s just so typical of him, getting up before me and just like providing everything I need before I even know that I need it.

 

 

I clean myself off as best I can with the towel and take the opportunity to climb out of my nest of sin, taking the duvet with me to the laundry room. I see that all of my clothes from the camping trip are neatly folded on a table there, so I pull off my sweats and boxers and throw them into the washer with the duvet and the gross towel. My face is still burning when I change into my clothes and sheepishly approach the kitchen.

 

 

He’s standing gracefully in front of the stove, barefoot, shirt still hanging off his shoulder focusing on what he’s cooking. Whatever it is, I have no idea but it smells amazing. I lean back against the counter on the other side of the kitchen, still not quite ready to face him, but I tell him quietly that I’m really sorry about _that_ , and everything is in the wash, including his blanket. He giggles a little at this, but thankfully it’s not the long tasteless laugh that grates on my nerves.

 

 

I appreciate him not making a big deal about it because I would frankly like to forget about it as soon as possible. Well. I don’t want to forget about the dream. Just the part where I’m insatiably perverted and never taking my surroundings into account since I met him when it comes to jacking off. The only thing giving me any comfort at all is that I had already come in my sleep so the second load would have been somewhat inconsequential to the overall mess. Like I could even try to control what happened in my sleep, especially with a dream like that. I consciously note that this kind of thing hasn’t happened to me since I was in middle school, squinting my eyes in shame at myself.

 

 

Sipping the coffee, I realize it’s just how I like it and I’m definitely wondering how the hell he knew what to put in it. While we were camping there wasn’t any milk or sugar so I had just been drinking it black and hating it the whole time. The other improvement is that this is definitely proper coffee and not the instant crap Shuuichi had been making for us. As soon as Shuuichi crosses my mind the events of yesterday come back to me and I find myself really concerned about how he might be doing after all that.

 

 

“Have you heard from your brother? Is Shuuichi doing any better?” I ask Akise, who’s now squeezing orange juice and pouring it into a large glass, filtering out the pulp with a strainer. This boy is like Martha Stewart and I’m like, so grateful. _I fucking love orange juice_.

 

 

“Oh. I texted Ouma this morning and he said that Saihara is doing much better today. They’re actually having a party today and we’re invited.” I don’t say anything about how he texted Ouma instead of his own brother because his split lip is still all too visible and I clearly recall the way Rantaro had grabbed his shirt last night, saying something privately to him before huffing off back to the jeep.

 

 

He’s setting the table and serving plates and I’m just standing around awkwardly because I’m not sure what to do. The apartment is bathed in bright sunlight and it looks even more beautiful than it did last night. I notice the book in the chair by the window in the living room has closed with the blanket shifted and I seriously wonder where Akise slept last night and how long he had been awake before me. _God. I hope I wasn’t visibly humping the bed in my sleep_. I send a little prayer to the universe pleading that he was obliviously making coffee during that mess.

 

 

When we sit down, I notice he’s not having orange juice, but there’s a big glass by my plate. His portion again is smaller than mine but after last night, I’m not going to press that issue again. At least for a while. There’s like a warm baked apple empanada thing, but it’s not overly sweet. It tastes amazing. He’s also made this savory hash thing and I don’t even recognize half the ingredients.

 

 

“What is this?” He explains that it’s something called tempeh and it’s a grainy meat substitute and that there’s chopped swiss chard and bits of mushrooms and fucking purple potatoes in it. There’s an olive oil taste but it’s also coated in a thin layer of something else that makes it delicious. Like. If this were served in a restaurant I wouldn’t be able to afford it and I’m tallying up in my mind exactly how much money he’s spent on me in a single day and if he wasn’t older and loaded I would actually feel very shitty about all of this. Instead, I just feel mildly shitty and I tell him so.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, it’s not something you should worry about. I’m really happy to do all of this for you…you’re my guest.” He says this way too sweetly and the smile he’s giving me is genuinely saccharine as well, which is another thing about him that makes me weak so I drop it.

 

 

For now. I’m not going to let this continue. If I were to factor in the massage that literally cured my sore muscles, I think I’m fairly in his debt at this point and I don’t know how to make it up to him at all. One indulgently _wrong_ thought flits through my mind but I stifle it before I choke on my food. I’m determined not to embarrass myself any further today around him.

 

 

I tell him that the food is delicious and that the massage has me feeling like nothing even happened yesterday and I’m expressing my thanks about folding my laundry when he interrupts me in a light tone, “Hinata-kun, you don’t have to thank me at all.” This shit again.

 

 

“Too bad. I will. I want to.” I tell him curtly and he doesn’t say anything but I can see the corner of his mouth twitching up, amused as he gingerly pokes at his food. “Another thing…how did you know how I like my coffee, and what is up with this giant orange juice. I love orange juice. And you’re just having tea.” It’s almost imperceptive, but he does start a little at this, and it’s very quickly covered by a cheerful demeanor.

 

 

“No reason.” He’s looking at me innocently and I don’t buy it for a second. It’s too fucking weird. “Most people like orange juice, and I know you didn’t like the coffee while we were camping, your face looked like the bitterness was too much.” How he picked up on that kind of speaks to my suspicion that he has been watching me more intently than if I meant nothing to him, but he also does everything with intense care so I’m not sure what I should think.

 

 

After breakfast, I have to fight against his protests to at least let me clean up the mess as a small thanks for everything he’s done for me. He sits at the table while I’m cleaning up and he’s rolling another joint since he “has to do something for me” if I’m cleaning his kitchen even though I “really shouldn’t bother.” God, this part of him is unfathomable but I’m getting pretty used to it by now and the annoyance is a small price to pay to be here. With him.

 

 

As I’m washing the dishes I realize that the feelings from my dreams have really been affecting the way I feel about him. During breakfast I found myself staring at his eyelashes more than I should have, and it both bothers and comforts me how similar they looked to the boy in my dream. I have to bite my lip when I almost drop a plate recalling the twerking part again. I literally still cannot believe that shit. I try not to laugh at myself thinking that I’m subconsciously a worse pervert than I ever imagined.

 

 

When I’m done, we go out to the terrace and sit on the little wooden step leading up to the ridiculous stone tub that I still can’t get over. He lights the joint and we share it normally, sitting side by side, warming our bare feet on the sunbathed concrete. Even after four days with him now, I still feel fairly flustered in his presence, especially since smoking weed has taken on all kinds of sexual connotations where he’s concerned. And his thin pale shoulder poking out of his shirt only a few inches away from me is causing me to think about the boy in my dream with all the marks _I_ had put on him.

 

 

“Really, thank you so much for the massage. I can’t believe how normal my muscles feel right now.” I catch him bite his lip before he turns to me blowing his hit up into the air.

 

 

“You’re welcome, Hinata-kun.” I have no idea how hard it was for him to just simply leave it at that without degrading himself, but I know there was some kind of struggle before he spoke so I tell him that I’m proud of him and he has this cute little laugh while blowing out his second hit, passing me the joint. The weed is good and I’m enjoying being here with him like this, in his pretty little garden.

 

 

Someday, if I’m fortunate enough to return here, I want him to tell me what all these plants are, but I’m obligated to get home and at least _try_ to finish some homework before the party later.

 

 

When I tell him this, he offers to call me a taxi, but I refuse, telling him that I won’t accept him paying for one more thing until I can at least partially make up some of what he’s done for me. Again he looks visibly conflicted but eventually tells me that he looks forward to seeing me later.

 

 

Ouma’s parents’ house is fairly close to the university so I decline his offer to pick me up later, telling him I’ll just see him there. I’m literally evading his offers of kindness now and I feel kind of bad about it, but I really don’t want to be further indebted to him. And even though I’m rejecting his hospitality again, he doesn’t seem to take it badly. In fact he’s smiling at me fondly this time. This guy is so strange, I wonder if I’ll ever understand what he’s like inside. I wonder if there’s even a chance that I’ll get to find out after today.

 

 

I pack up my clothes, and he walks me out to the street in front of his building, telling me how to get to the nearest bus stop even though he’s apologetically not quite sure if the one I need stops there. That’s understandable though, I doubt someone like him has ever taken a city bus in his life.

 

 

I turn walking backwards to wave back at him part way down the block, flashing him a big grin and just to make him uncomfortable I shout, “Thank yoouuu!” before turning and walking around the corner smiling like an idiot to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying the ride so far. Your comments & kudos mean the world to me <3
> 
>  
> 
> s/o to Janna and Nikki for always being there for me & giving me mad support on this monstrosity of ‘my first fanfic’ I love you both xo


	5. breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re not wrong ok.” I say, and Shuuichi’s only just now taking his hand back off my shoulder. “I do like him. Probably way too much.” He’s smiling a little at this and it’s hard to say these things to another person, but his little speech has truly disarmed me. “I don’t know what to do though. Part of me is telling me that he’s just fucking with me. And another part is telling me that I’m scum because I’m in a relationship with Manami.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS; 
> 
> 1\. Shuuichi talks about his experience in ch 3 and mentions the word rape in a context of his fears of what might have happened to him if they didn’t come to his rescue. Please take good care of yourselves. Triggers can be dangerous and I want to be mindful of that for all of my precious readers. 
> 
>  
> 
> 2\. Akise's split lip things; So CW: blood
> 
> 3\. Smut heyyooo
> 
> ~~~~~~
> 
> This chapter overall is really fun and intriguing I think, I hope you all like as much as I do<3

 

 

 

I’m like eight beers deep at this point, but it’s not so bad, I’ve been at Ouma’s party for about four hours on damage control duty so it’s been spread out. There’s a definitive knot in my stomach in remembering the events of the last few days. I definitely didn’t get any studying done.

 

 

I layed in my room all day, thinking about what I probably want in a partner and like. I don’t think I can keep doing this. Manami is coming home tomorrow and I’m like 90% sure I’m should break up with him whether or not Akise is for real.

 

 

Part of my frustration with Akise lies in trying to decipher all of the precarious situations he’s put me in…shotgunning more weed than I’ve ever smoked in my life, making me sleep in the same sleeping bag bed with him, holding me in that bed, massaging me for over an hour, fucking cooking like almost every meal for me. _My god damn dreams_ , but honestly that last part is all on me.

 

 

But the parts that are on him...what does it even mean? He technically hasn’t made a _major_ move on me. He even went as far to tell me that “it wasn’t a kiss,” and to “calm down” last night when his thumbs expertly went over my…fucking _nipples_ during that really. great. massage.

 

 

I think back to the times when he leaned close to my ear, the low way he spoke to me, making me shudder. How he looks at me sometimes…so many different looks…but I’m hesitant to give them meaning. I know what I want them to mean, but that’s not good enough. All of his beautiful laughter. All of his disturbing laughter. How he conveniently left his shirt open during that sunset. _Shit_.

 

 

He kept pushing me and pushing me like he was waiting for me to lose control.

 

 

 _Ah_. Damn. Maybe that’s what his game is. He’s trying to break me.

 

 

I’m really starting to think that I want him to literally take my virgin ass to bed with him when Souda comes out of nowhere and ungracefully drops down next to me on the couch. He makes me spill my beer a little and I don’t say anything, but I give him a _look_. He doesn’t even notice though because he’s so faded.

 

 

It’s well past dark and the party is raging now. Nobody is looking forward to school next week and it shows.

 

 

“Bro, how was camping yo?” He doesn’t even wait for a response before ripping the purple four footer. And yeah, he’s making me light the bowl because he can’t reach it.

 

 

“Great. Nature was cool.” I know I’m being somewhat cynical but like. There’s no way I’m telling Souda about any of this. One, he’s straight and probably couldn’t relate, and two; it’s fucking Souda.

 

 

I know even he can detect my irritated tone and as consolation he offers me the remaining half of the bong hit he can’t clear. I tell him plainly, “That’s gross.” And he slurs something about digressing.

 

 

“You need to loosen up, Hajime.” Tell me something I don’t know, _bro_. “Listen,” he thinks he’s whispering now, but he’s just talking normally at the side of my head. “I got some good shit. I’m balling with how much I’m selling at this party, but you’re my best friend.” Yes, Souda. I am your best friend. “It’s pure molly,” _What?!_ “And like, I’m selling them for twice what they’re worth so I can spare you a few extra. I think it’ll help you look at things a little more…positronly. I mean positively.”

 

 

Before I can say anything, he reaches into one of his many zipper pockets and pulls out a baggie that is like ultra felony level full of little capsules. I literally have no idea how he got his hands on this shit. He dumps out four capsules in his hands and forcibly sticks them in my shirt pocket with a big grin on his face. “I mean it bro,” he goes on in his non-whisper, “this shit will boost your ass.” _Wonderful_. Can’t wait. Boost my ass, _yo_.

 

 

Souda’s going on about some other shit now and part of me is listening, but the other part of me is formulating some kind of intention. Like Akise has done _so_ much for me the last few days. Maybe I can share this with him since it _is_ technically something valuable. And maybe this molly will somehow make the line we haven’t yet crossed fall apart. I’m sorry Manami. I’m really sorry.

 

 

Most of us here are underage, so Akise was here briefly before it got dark to buy most of the kegs and liquor. And there’s no doubt in my mind that he just generously bought it for everyone without collecting a dime. He left shortly after that without speaking to me and I haven’t seen him since. I can still feel his smile at me though…when he was in front of the open window with sunlight making a golden halo around his whack hair.

 

 

When I asked Ouma about Akise, he said that most of the girls in their “squad” were in a musical tonight so he went to pick them up, but they wouldn’t be back until after the show. I handed him the giant bag of weed Saihara had tasked me with and he took it with a grimace but it’s already been well distributed, I can tell. There’s a faint odor in the air. Half of these people are lit on it.

 

 

I’m chewing my lip, waiting for him to come back, wondering if I look all right. If I smell all right. If he even _likes_ me. Still half listening to Souda and responding to his conversation that doesn’t even make sense in occasional monosyllabic responses.

 

 

The front door opens and I nearly jump up but it’s just Rantaro with Saihara, who really doesn’t look that great. They don’t even look at anyone before heading straight up the stairs. Poor Shuuichi. I can’t even imagine what he’s been through the last couple days.

 

 

“Dude, are you even listening?” I apologize to Souda who I hadn’t been paying enough attention to, and make a point to listen to his story about the new machine he’s building for a school project. If anything, Souda is very good at designing and making things and very passionate about what he does. It really doesn’t take much on my part to engage as long as I’m listening to him. And like, I really do care for him, he’s a great friend and very kind to those close to him. He’s kind of an ass, but it’s not like any of it is really intentional. He’s mildly homophobic, but it’s the variety where everything’s cool until the topic of gay sex comes up.

 

 

As if on cue with my thoughts, the front door opens again and there’s a grip of beautiful girls in all kinds of elaborate costumes with _Akise_ right in the middle. It’s the kind of entrance that has the whole house drunkenly shouting like mad. I seriously cannot focus on anything else though because Akise looks _nothing_ like he did earlier today when he was just in his regular clothes, with his wild hair everywhere. I think my heart honestly stopped for a minute the moment I saw him.

 

 

 _He straightened his fucking hair?_ It was _flat_ , held back in to a loose bun at the nape of his neck, bangs swept to the side, nearly covering his right eye. Perhaps more alluring was the fact that he was not only wearing his mascara, _but fucking eyeliner too_.

 

 

His beautiful cheeks were defined by some makeup I don’t really know the term for, but the curves under his eyes were _perfectly_ defined by something shimmery that flawlessly defined his delicate bone structure and pale skin tone. His lips were devoid of any cosmetic, the same soft light pink that had touched mine so many times during our trip.

 

 

He wore a black loose sweater that draped down exposing one shoulder, but this one had those currently fashionable Kanye stringy tears in it, and like. My favorite thing about this whole thing? _There was nothing underneath that sweater_ and his pale body could be seen under all of those holes.

 

 

No, actually maybe my favorite thing was the black jeans he was wearing. They were so _fucking tight_ all the way to his ankles and although he hadn’t turned away yet, I could easily imagine how great his ass would look under the long sweater hanging over it.

 

 

 _And the most shocking thing about all of this?_ He had a pair of really nice, _tall_ lace up black boots that went up slightly over the jeans above his ankles. The eyelets of the black laces were gold and _I swear to god the thick heels of these boots were at least four inches, maybe five inches tall._

As people crowded around him to compliment and greet him, I could see him blushing slightly and when he covered his mouth occasionally in his bashfulness I saw his delicate nails were coated in a pale opalescent pink polish, and really, it matched the shimmer on his face almost too well.

 

 

 _Fuck. Holy shit_. _Nothing_ could have prepared me for all of this. And _Jesus Christ_. All the women that had entered with him looked like something out of I don’t even know what, there are no words to describe it.

 

 

Sonia was dressed as a beautiful ballerina with her long blonde hair flowing over the open back of her leotard, a short fluffy pink tutu at her hips, thigh high pale tights, and satiny slippers over her delicate feet.

 

 

Saionji was dressed as a _fucking loli_ , everything about her costume was perfect, including the makeup on her cute little face. She hates me. But I still think she’s cute. Sometimes.

 

 

Mahiru looked like a _slutty_ version of a Swiss Alps mountain girl, replete with shepherd’s staff which she held up glaring any time _anyone_ was caught staring at Saionji.

 

 

Asahina had a high pony tail with a bow and _a really short_ matching cheerleader outfit, her tan muscular thighs on full display.

 

 

Asahina’s girlfriend, a woman I’ll never _not_ be intimidated by; Sakura, was beautifully costumed as a forest nymph. Sheer greens in various colors wrapped around her, presumably held in place by something that looked like ivy vines.

 

 

Maizono looked the most normal, it almost made me laugh. She had a sailor style / school uniform thing going on. So basic for someone who was literally an idol and barely came to school because of her touring.

 

 

My friends looked so beautiful. It made me smile so much.

 

 

There were several other costumed girls who I didn’t recognize, clearly friends of Ouma by how they greeted him with exuberant birthday greetings…but holy hell. _What a fucking entrance._

They were all happily and loudly mingling, making their way towards the kitchen, surrounded by the drunk people who had been here for the last few hours.

 

 

Souda had immediately left my side to try to get as near to Sonia as possible, who was currently wrapped in the arms of that fucking weirdo, Gundam. Souda was shouting over the crowd, yelling towards them, _“Sonia you are a fucking **goddess**.” _ I laughed when Gundam kissed her on the cheek, flipping Souda off behind Sonia’s back.

 

 

Everyone was looking so great, and they were all being offered various drinks by their friends. Asahina was squatting down with her mouth at the bottom of the luge on the counter while two other people poured a combination of lemonade and straight vodka down towards her over the block of ice.

 

 

Akise hadn’t noticed me sitting behind the crowds standing in front of me, and I could see him talking to Ouma with several other people across the room. I couldn’t hear anything over the noise, but I kept staring because _god damn_. _What the hell_. I was _really_ affected by this utter change in his appearance. _He was beautifully **androgynous**_. **_Lovely_**. I never expected this side of him, and it was shockingly gorgeous in my mind.

 

 

From the corner of my eye, I see Rantaro hopping down the stairs and he makes his way through the other people to his brother’s side, giving him a hug and I assume complimenting him on his _look_. It was honestly strange to see Akise towering over his brother, who was normally the same height as him, and the difference was tellingly indicative of exactly how tall those boots were.

 

 

I found myself suddenly concerned about Shuuichi who had not come back down this whole time. Being totally floored by Akise’s appearance, which made me nervous as hell, I decided that maybe I should go up and see how he was doing. I honestly felt bad for him being alone upstairs, possibly in a really bad state while all of this noise and partying was going on down here.

 

 

I silently pushed through everyone to the stairs and quietly made my way up to look for him. There were several rooms closed off by doors, and I was not familiar with this house, so I randomly checked each door. An empty bathroom, and empty office, and empty guest room, and then I found it. Ouma’s parent’s bedroom.

 

 

Shuuichi was there in the middle of the bed, wrapped in a white blanket, head poking out staring at a large television on the opposite wall facing him. I gently asked if I could come in and he smiled at me and patted the bed next to him wordlessly.

 

 

Slowly walking towards him, I give him a warm smile and sit on the bed next to him.

 

 

Shuuichi is not my type, but I certainly see why Rantaro and Ouma are attracted to him. His straight black hair is very silky looking, and his eyes are nearly the same color as mine, but more gold than green. They’re somehow larger and more expressive though, with dark lashes that are almost comically too long. He’s really adorable, and his mannerisms and small frame definitely inspire a sense of wanting to protect him even prior to everything that had happened.

 

 

I’m so concerned about how he’s doing right now. He’s hugging his knees to him under the blanket, back against the polished wooden headboard. I’m calmed a bit though because his face is welcoming and a small smile forms on his face when I lean back against the headboard next to him, crossing my legs in front of me. With my head turned towards him, I ask him how he’s doing, trying to speak in a gentle voice.

 

 

“I’m ok. Really. I’m doing much better. And oh my god, Hajime, thank you so much for everything. I hope you’re doing ok. I know I’m not as light as Ouma and that climb was so steep. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m so grateful.” He’s speaking clearly with his usual cadence and I feel so relieved at this. It was more than worrying when he couldn’t speak the whole way home yesterday.  He looks away towards his feet before going on quietly.

 

 

“I mean, it was fucking terrifying. I thought that guy was honestly going to kill me. And like. Before you guys got there, I was literally pissing myself because I thought they were going to _rape_ me and I couldn’t get away. I was so fucked up.” He pauses for a moment, hugging his knees tighter to him. “The memory of it is still so fresh in my mind, and I think even now I can barely deal with it. When Ouma and Rantaro did what they did…it was like…even more traumatizing in a way. I had never seen them act so violently and I was already going into shock you know.”

 

 

I reached over and put my hand gently over his and he leaned into me. I moved my other hand to stroke his hair opposite my shoulder. I told him that it will get easier with time and that we’re all here for him for whatever he needs. I hear him sigh and he moves back away from me quietly saying, “I know.”

 

 

“I’m so happy to hear you speaking again you know.” I gently say to him, putting my hands back at my sides and adjusting more comfortably, putting my knees up as well, wrapping my arms around them. “And like, please don’t worry about me at all. It was kind of difficult to carry you, but I didn’t feel any sort of enmity towards you at all. I was honestly wanting to help you in any way I could.” He smiled brightly at that and softly said thank you, lightly bumping my shoulder with his own.

 

 

“Oh god, you’ll never guess what happened to me after you guys dropped me off.” We’re both kind of sharing playful almost mischievous smiles, and I’m definitely starting to blush a little.

 

 

“Oh my god, Hajime, did you guys fuck?” He says incredulously with a wide smile. I end up waving my hands around shaking my head.

 

 

“No no no no oh my god, _no_.” I’m laughing and he’s laughing at me. I decide to go on, figuring this shit will cheer him up. Shuuichi is probably my favorite of the three boys and I really do love talking to him. “So like, one, holy shit, Akise’s apartment is fucking lush as hell. Have you seen it?” He replies telling me he’s been there a few times and agrees with me on my impression. “Anyway, he ended up fucking massaging me for like over an hour and I passed out in his bed after he literally cured all my sore muscles from the climb with you.” Shuuichi’s eyebrows are up so high and I tell him that’s not even the worst part. He immediately tells me that I have to tell him the worst part.

 

 

“Ok, you have to promise right now that you won’t laugh at me.” He refuses, grinning and saying that he’s not capable of such behavior and I’m like fuck it, I want to make him laugh after all he’s been through this weekend.

 

 

“So…I ended up having this wild sex dream and like, I woke up a mess you know. It was so fucking embarrassing. I had to ask him for a fucking towel.” I don’t tell him what I dreamed or about what I actually did when I first woke up. I definitely don’t tell him about the grope filled shotgunning, or that one ‘non-erotic’ moment during the massage. But I’m really happy because he’s laughing his ass off at me right now. He’s got little tears at the corners of his eyes and he wipes them, still giggling and telling me, “You’re so fucked up, Hajime” and, “you had to ask for a towel?! That’s so messed up, oh my _god_.”

 

 

“Yeah, fucking ridiculous, right?” He’s settling down now still smiling huge and shaking his head at me. After a minute, he reaches over to an ashtray on the other side of the bed pulling out a partially smoked joint. He lights it and then hands it to me. Right in the middle of my hit, he puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at me quite seriously.

 

 

“Akise likes you, you know.” My eyes bulge at this and I sputter out the smoke in a nervous laugh.

 

 

 _“What?”_ I’m looking at him coughing out smoke, and he’s still serious. He rolls his eyes like I’m a complete moron.

 

 

“It’s not just the way he’s always looking at you. I think he’s trying really hard to get to you obviously, but like. If you want him, you’re going to have to make the first move.” He takes the joint from me to hit it. My face must be going completely red at all of this, I feel so fucking hot and uncomfortable. “You look cute right now, Hajime, stop it.” He’s laughing at me now.

 

 

“Dude. Manami.” I say flatly, looking down at my feet. This is the biggest problem, honestly. I have a _boyfriend_ and I’ve started falling for someone who drives me totally crazy in _all kinds of ways_. Like hell I’m telling Shuuichi that part. But fuck my life, like it’s not showing all over my face right now.

 

 

“Look. I love Nami. I really do.” He says with his hand firmly on my shoulder now, not letting me run away. Part of me is legit terrified at where this conversation is going. “But think about what you really want you know. I _really_ don't think it's never having sex, Hajime.” _Oh god, what the hell, Shuuichi?_ “And it's not just about that.” He goes on speaking slowly, “I don't think I've ever seen you happier than this last weekend, you looked alive for once. And like, I know we haven’t been particularly close but I want you to know I'm your friend. I'm so grateful for what you did for me yesterday. I could barely focus on anything. You were like a rock tethering me to reality."

 

 

I’ve definitely got both of my hands covering my face at what he’s said, but the last part makes me move them down to look at him. He’s still kind of serious looking but his eyes are smiling at me. One thing about Saihara is that he’s clever and way too perceptive for my liking right now. My mind flashes back to when he said that shit outside the car after we hiked through the canyon. He must have put all this together by then, even before I came to terms with it. He passes the joint back to me and I hit it, feeling very emotionally _exposed_.

 

 

“You’re not wrong ok.” I say, and he’s only just now taking his hand back off my shoulder. “I do like him. Probably way too much.” He’s smiling a little at this and it’s hard to say these things to another person, but his little speech has truly disarmed me. “I don’t know what to do though. Part of me is telling me that he’s just fucking with me. And another part is telling me that I’m scum because I’m in a relationship with Manami.” I take a deep breath and watch his face, feeling what almost feels like trepidation at admitting all of this to someone who’s been friends with my boyfriend since high school. He’s not reacting badly to any of this though.

 

 

"I don't think in this situation there's any right way to break it to Nami,” he says gently, “But if he’s hurt, which is kind of an inevitability, we'll definitely help him through it. And I hope you know I support you no matter what you choose. I know Manami, he'll be all right…eventually. I think you guys could even be friends down the line. If you do go for Akise, even tonight, I'll keep Rantaro off your back even if I have to feign illness.”

 

 

This last part strings together everything; Akise’s split lip, the disapproving glares, and the way Rantaro acted when they were dropping me off at his house. Fuck. Rantaro’s against all of this.

 

 

“Is it because Manami’s my boyfriend, is that why Rantaro hates this?” I ask him quietly, just to confirm it.

 

 

“I think that’s part of it. That it would hurt one of his best friends. But honestly I feel there’s more to it than that but I don’t want to comment because for me, it wouldn’t be my place to say and really it’s just uh…intense speculation on my part anyway.” I raise my eyebrows at this last part not knowing what to think really, but I don’t comment on it.

 

 

We finish the joint in relative silence, watching some kind of detective drama that’s been going on the tv the whole time. Saihara is explaining occasionally what’s going on and adding details about how they’re totally on the wrong track to uncovering the killer in the show. Yeah, he’s proficiently deductive in pretty much everything. Even though what he said is still reeling in my mind, I’m still really relieved to see him smiling and talking again.

 

 

I feel nervous about going back down but he tells me I should. I tell him about how Akise looks so good that he could kill me right now with one glance and he laughs at me and tells me something about how I’m cute too, which only makes me blush even more.

 

 

After checking my appearance in the bathroom connected to the bedroom, all attempts at smoothing my hair down failed, I hug him and go to leave the bedroom. As my hand is almost touching the door, he almost shouts, “Get it boiii!” I turn towards him, probably with a dumb look on my face but he’s laughing at me and I turn back around smiling to myself. Shuuichi is a good friend, and I’m grateful.

 

 

I stop at the top of the stairs feeling nervous as hell and take a few deep breaths before slowly moving down them. I’m only half way down when I look over the crowd of people below, and Akise is right there across the room looking up at me. When our eyes meet, he smiles at me and yeah. I’m dead for sure.

 

 

There’s no way I’m getting out of this and my pounding heartbeat is like actively trying to help kill me right now. I smile back and try to make my way towards him. The problematic part is that he’s also making his way towards me and we meet right in the middle of the living room, tons of people standing around us. They’re drunk enough to not pay too much attention, but I do notice some people staring a little. Particularly Rantaro.

 

 

When Akise comes closer I’m like stunned once more at how _good_ he looks right now. And yeah, he’s quite a bit taller than me which is a very strange feeling indeed.

 

 

“Hinata-kun!” He exclaims cheerfully, beautiful smile lighting up his delicate features. Before I can say anything, he pulls me into a fucking hug and my chin barely makes it over his shoulder. He’s got his hands around my neck, pulling away but still way too damn close, looking at me undoubtedly turning red, laughing a little at me. I was too taken aback and fucking awkward to hug him back, but I don’t do anything to push him away either.

 

 

“You look good.” I tell him, probably too quietly for all the noise around us, but he hears me and takes his arms back to put one across his thin waist and the other up to his mouth.

 

 

“Oh please, I think you definitely look better.” He says flatly and I have to look away because I can’t deal with this statement. “The girls wanted to dress me up, so I let them.” I look back smiling at him and tell him that I need a drink so we make our way to the kitchen, where cheers are erupting as Ouma finishes a keg stand. I’m somewhat grateful that he looks too drunk to hassle me about leaving the living room unguarded, because like…I was in there for four fucking hours already.

 

 

I’m not drunk enough to have any sort of comfort this close to Akise right now so I make my way over to the luge asking Sonia and Gundam to help me out. I chug the vodka mixture at the bottom of the tilted block of ice until they’re both asking me if I’m ok. I wave them to stop after probably way too long. Honestly I probably drank a full pint and it feels good.

 

I tell them thank you and grab a couple empty cups still trying to avoid Akise’s gaze next to me. I fill one up at the keg, handing it to him, nearly dying again at the smile he’s giving me. Honestly, he’s way too gorgeous right now, _what the fuck_. I fill mine up and lean towards him asking if I could bum a cigarette.

 

To my complete surprise, he grabs my hand and pulls me towards the back of the kitchen and we go out the door to the back yard. There are significantly fewer people out here compared to inside, but there’s still a few small groups standing around. He lets go of my hand walking a pace in front of me before turning around pulling his pack out of his pocket.

 

 

“Share?” He asks me tilting his head to the side, more and more of his hair slipping out of his bun, framing his face in soft waves. I shake my head and he hands me one and cups his hands around the end to light it for me before getting his own. The vodka is getting to me and I’m grateful because I can’t just stand around speechless after I dragged him out here. Well. He literally dragged me, but I was the one who suggested coming outside.

 

 

He’s smiling gently at me while we smoke, eyes locked and I still can’t get over how tall he is right now. His legs are already so long and those boots are making me hyper aware of this. I try not to envision said legs wrapped around me but I’m failing miserably.

 

 

“You look fucking amazing right now.” I had only said _good_ before and that wasn’t cutting it, not at all. He looks down a bit, and I can’t tell in the low light if he’s blushing or not.

 

 

“Thank you, Hinata-kun.” He’s smiling at me again. “Are the boots too much? I’ve worn heels before, but I’m still kind of nervous.” Now it’s my turn to laugh and he looks a little dismayed.

 

 

“No no, I’m not laughing at you…it’s just that everything about you right now works, you know? I’m not the first person to tell you that tonight, right?” His expression warms significantly and he leans down close to my ear, his natural scent mixed with something pleasant and almost sensual that I haven’t smelled before tonight on him. _Perfume_.

 

 

“Maybe your opinion is the only one that matters to me.” He says quietly in a low voice right next to my ear and _god dude_ …it’s affecting my whole body. He pulls away smiling and I suddenly remember the molly in my pocket.

 

 

“Ah. I don’t really know what to say about that, but…thank you?” I say stupidly, and he just shamelessly says ‘of course,’ before taking a drag while I continue, “So like, you know how I’m basically indebted to you for everything you’ve done.” He starts to disagree with me, but I cut him off. “No, shut up, whatever you’re going to say, shut up.” I’m smiling so he knows I’m not trying to be rude, it’s just that I don’t want to hear his usual shit right now. Not right now. “So, I got this tonight and I wanted to give you one.” I pull two of the four capsules out of my pocket, holding them in my open hand between us.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, you know what that is, right?” He looks at me with wide eyed concern, but I’m not wavering.

 

 

“Yes I do.” I put one between my lips and wash it down with the beer before he can say anything else. I hand him the other one and he puts it to his mouth uttering a barely audible ‘shit’ before swallowing his in the same manner. I smile at him feeling slightly smug at pulling the first swear word I’ve ever heard out of his pretty mouth.

 

 

“I’ve _never_ heard you swear before.” I say laughing a little. He smiles back at me crossing his arms, swirling his nearly empty cup.

 

 

“It’s not like anything in my life really warrants such a response from me, Hinata-kun.” I raise my eyebrow at that, part of me wondering what more I have to do to get him to do that in the future. The molly hasn’t kicked in yet, not by far, but I’m definitely feeling a _lot_ more buzzed having finished this beer too quickly during our awkward conversation out here.

 

 

“You look really pretty right now.” I tell him honestly, tossing my cigarette butt off into the grass somewhere.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” he looks somewhat scandalized by what I just said and he covers his mouth with one hand, “You shouldn’t say something like that to me.” I genuinely expect a self-depreciative rant but he just smiles softly at me, pausing before sheepishly going on, “I guess that was the whole point, you know?” I bite my lip at this rare occasion of him accepting a compliment so well.

 

 

“I mean, you always look really beautiful, I hope you know that.” I say, leaning dangerously closer to him. His eyes are going wide and suddenly we’re both visibly embarrassed at my inebriated statement.

 

 

“Should we go in and get you another beer?” He says, pointing to my empty cup at my side. It’s probably not a great idea, but I don’t even care right now.

 

 

“Only if you’ll do the luge.” I tell him, grinning at his confused look.

 

 

“If that’s what you want, then I want to do it.” He says almost _suggestively_ after his face recovers.

 

 

When we make our way through everyone again towards the luge, it looks really fucked up from melting all night so we decide to do shots instead. Considering his shoes and how tall he is, I realize that I had just asked him to do something really ungraceful so this is way better anyway. I don’t let up until he’s done four shots of the shitty vodka.

 

 

“My throat is burning.” He admits, face twisting from the hard alcohol. I hold some lemonade up to his mouth and he drinks it. I remember how he gave me the water while I was carrying Shuuichi, and I smile up at him watching him close his eyes while he takes several large sips from the cup. His face is always fairly stunning, but the mascara and eyeliner are really pretty on him to be honest. I try not to look down through the holes in his sweater, but he catches me doing just that as he pushes the cup away. His smile is devious to say the least as I quickly look away but I’m grinning regardless.

 

 

“Thank you for the chaser, Hinata-kun. I feel a lot better…but I’m probably going to be pretty drunk now.” He tells me, leaning down close to my ear because of all the noise. I move to put my mouth next to his ear for once.

 

 

“I guess that was the whole point, you know?” I throw his words right back at him, pulling away to smirk. He definitely looks more than a little scandalized now and it’s a good look on him.

 

 

“Hinata-kun. You’re going to make me swear again.” He says, and we’re both laughing when I see _Shuuichi_ across the house standing on the couch waving at me to come over. I take Akise’s hand this time and lead him through the endless crowd of people towards the living room. I’m like. So overjoyed to see Saihara sitting there, laughing with everyone, but I notice Rantaro sitting next to him and recalling what Shuuichi had said to me, I still had the sense about me to drop Akise’s hand before approaching them.

 

 

Saihara waves the randos sitting on their couch away and pats the seat next to him. Rantaro’s sitting on the other side of Shuuichi, and I barely catch him rolling his eyes at us as we sit down. Akise’s very close to me on my other side and it feels really nice even if his whole look tonight has been driving me crazy.

 

 

Ouma comes over and asks me for my phone since people won’t stop complaining about the music apparently. My fingers drunkenly stumble a little in finding a decent playlist before handing it back to him. His boyfriends are wishing him a happy birthday even though it’s next week. This is supposedly his birthday party actually. Ouma leans over kissing Shuuichi lightly on the lips and then Rantaro noticeably more forcefully with _definite_ tongue before grinning and ambling back through the party, towards the stereo.

 

 

After a moment the music changes to actual dance worthy shit. Everyone literally cheers and more people flood into the room to blatantly grind on each other. Akise nudges me telling me that he likes this song and it makes my face burn a little.

 

 

Shuuichi’s packing a bowl in his glass bong, which I notice is practically immaculate in comparison to Souda’s resin covered plastic thing. He passes me the bowl and I hit it probably harder than I should. Then with some bravery or disdain for Rantaro’s disapproval, I don’t even know, I lean over, pushing Akise against the back of the couch and shotgun it to him. His lithe arms find their way around my neck and I pull away after breathing out completely. His lips are still really soft even if they taste like alcohol right now. I smirk at him again as we both sit up, watching him blow it out across the room.

 

 

“Jesus Christ.” I hear Rantaro say over the noise behind me, but Shuuichi’s shutting him up by holding the bong up to his lips. He grunts something unintelligible and lets his boyfriend light it for him while he hits it. Shuuichi leans towards me next to my ear, whispering to me.

 

 

“So are you tainted yet?” I laugh at this, feeling even more buzzed than before and shake my head. “Ah. Too bad.” He goes on before pulling the bong back from Rantaro to himself.

 

 

He’s not a big guy, but fuck. Shuuichi out of all of us can rip harder than anyone I’ve ever met. When he blows the smoke out, it’s like coating the entire room and it looks really pretty in the bits of colored light shining down through the darkened room. Ouma had installed a _thing_ on the ceiling that was shining all kinds of colors in streams over the people half dancing half standing around the room.

 

 

Another round sans shotgunning ensues and when Akise is hitting it, Shuuichi nudges me, handing me two rolled joints which make their way into what is now my drug stash shirt pocket. I whisper to him that we just took molly and he gives me the cutest open mouth look that rapidly erupts into a large grin.

 

 

When Akise passes the bong back to Rantaro across our laps, Shuuichi talks quietly near my ear again, “Well, I guess it’s settled. Take care of my bong.” With that, he _promptly passes out_ limply falling right back on the couch.

 

 

What the fuck? I’m about to ask him if he’s ok, but Rantaro is sputtering smoke doing all the verbal worrying for me, leaning over and checking Shuuichi’s breathing.

 

 

Akise looks pretty alarmed too, and if it weren’t for what Shuuichi said right before falling over I would be panicking right now.

 

 

In his move to check on his boyfriend, Rantaro had hastily set the bong on the edge of the table and I have to reach out to catch it as he bumps it with his leg. He’s getting up to pick up Shuuichi, holding him like a mother would hold a child and heading straight for the stairs.

 

 

I’m still wondering what the fuck just happened when I see Shuuichi winking at me, sticking out his tongue over Rantaro’s shoulder as he’s being carried up. _Oh my god_. He said he’d get Rantaro out of the way but _jesus christ_. I don’t know whether he’s a good friend or a demonic enabler right now.

 

 

Akise had noticed too, and I hear him laugh next to me. Turning towards him, _fucking everything erupts into the most beautiful_ shit _right now_.

 

 

The molly has _hit_ me like an ocean and I fucking _love it_ , oh my god. I’m not even kidding; his face is reminding me of that first dream and all the euphoric feelings I felt in that moment. Oh god. I want to kiss him so fucking bad right now, it’s not even funny.

 

 

I twist to lean over his lap, putting my hands down on either side of his hips, searching his face for any sort of hesitation. His eyes look prettily glossed over, pupils blown wide and gray in the low light. Everything about his fucking face is giving me chills and a body high like I’ve never felt before in my life. I can’t fucking help myself right now, I reach up with one hand and push his soft white bangs to the side so I can see _more_ of him. He’s so fucking _gorgeous_.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, this _feels so good_. I can feel it too.” He says quietly smiling, not looking away from me. His eyes are so deep, there’s a definite sense of that love feeling I got from my dreams in them, but they’re also dark with what feels like sadness too. I feel so stricken with emotion I can’t talk properly.

 

 

“Akise…” I whisper, leaning forward, pressing my forehead to his. “I…” Fuck. _How do I say this?_ Whatever. I can’t stop this glorious fucking feeling that is taking me over right now. “I…think…that…I need you. Like _really_ need you.”

 

 

He had been sitting limply there this whole time, looking fragile and weakened below me, his hands laced tightly in his lap as I hovered over him. I’m like. So glad he’s sitting, because I know I couldn’t pull this impulsive courage out of me if he was towering over me again.

 

 

What I just said though visibly broke something in his whole demeanor, and he looked at me _hungrily_ , throwing his arms around my neck and forcefully pulling me to his lips. Those soft fucking lips I had felt so many times without kissing before.

 

 

My second dream is flashing in my mind, the part where we made out so intensely, and this is really not that different. This is my _first fucking kiss_ , and it’s _beautiful_. My heart feels like it’s swelling and my head feels light and dizzy, my lips are definitely moving over his and our tongues are twisting around each other. It’s wet and chaotic, just like I remember from the boy in my dream.

 

 

Half way through, I move my whole body to climb over him, straddling his lap, moving my hands into the hair at the nape of his neck, destroying the loose bun that had already been falling apart all night.

 

 

It’s almost insane how we’re both literally devouring each other. Almost spiritually, I feel like I’m floating, and so I’m fucking _close_ to him in infinite ways because of the molly. I’ll never forget this my entire life. Maybe even in the next one.

 

 

After what feels like several whole minutes of desperate gasping, sucking every part of his mouth and thrusting my tongue between his lips, we pull apart and he is _flushed_ , lips slightly swollen and wet from the kiss. He looks so beautiful and it’s _definitely_ more intense than when we shroomed. _It’s lovely_. Every fucking thing about this boy is _fucking_ LOVELY.

 

 

“Hajime.” He breathes out, velvet voice flooring me, looking up at me, inches from my face. _Oh my god_. It sounded _exactly_ the same as in my dream this morning. I fucking love the sound of hearing him say my name for the first time.

 

 

He puts his arms around me, one around my waist firmly pressing his whole hand into my back, the other around my ass, curving his hand around my hip. He pulls me _hard_ , right against his stomach. I lean down to kiss him, impossibly softly this time, lightly tracing his lower lip with gentle kisses. I pull away from his mouth, keeping my forehead pressed to his.

 

 

“I like you a lot.” I say quietly, searching his face, almost terrified that I’m overstepping something fragile. He lets out one beautiful laughing sound, smiling brightly at me, so dazzlingly gorgeous that I might honestly pass out. _Damn_. Molly is good.

 

 

“It’s fine, I like you so _much_. I’m so sorry to spring that on you. It’s just that…” His pause goes on for so _long_. Oh my god, have I made him speechless, this is great. “Not here…Not now…I’m sorry. God, is it even ok with you that I said your first name?”

 

 

I smirk at him and kiss him again, gently moving my tongue into his mouth and lacing it with his in a delicate motion. I close the kiss sucking gently on his lower lip eyes locked with his, which I decide is probably my favorite thing about the novelty of kissing him. I mean fuck. How many times were his sinful lips pressed against mine without being able to do this?

 

 

Every kiss has felt like absolute heaven because of the mdma attacking my brain and I’ll never get over this light, perfect feeling of oneness with him. When our eyes meet, it’s like everything around me collapses and expands and all I can _feel_ is the intensity of falling into his eyes.

 

 

I can honestly say that everything in me is telling me that I love him, but I’m just. Not ready yet. I’ve only known him for four days, even if he drove me mad with all kinds of fucked up feelings towards him. That kind of thing is huge to admit and I _cannot_ believe everything that’s happened tonight. He is a fairly impulsive person and almost immune to the concept of shame though, so maybe it’s not as hard for him to be so blunt about his feelings. _He likes me too_.

 

 

He looks rather concerned that I haven’t said anything, that I’ve  just been blissfully staring at him deeply this whole time, not letting go with my arms firmly around his neck, my ass planted right on his crotch. Did I mention that my dick is practically bursting through my pants at this point? _Obviously_. How could I not be reacting physically to _all of_ _this_. I know he has to feel it there against his stomach too. But after all this, I almost want him to know exactly how he makes me feel. Down there.

 

 

“Um, I fucking _loved_ it?” I say to him playfully, grinning with both of my eyebrows rising a bit. He then cranes his head up to kiss me again, gently, the same way I kissed him just now. His lips are a beautiful symphony against mine and everything around us feels so distant, like nothing else even matters right now. Not this party, not Rantaro, not my boyfriend, fucking _nothing_ but _him_.

 

 

He pulls away too soon and I groan a little at this. He proceeds to lean back into the couch, pulling me with him, and I find myself practically lying against his chest with my head on his shoulder. My forehead is buried in the side of his neck and he moves his hand up to stroke my face so fucking _gently_ that it honestly makes me want to cry.

 

 

I vehemently recall his confession just now and it’s making me overflow with a completely new and foreign feeling. Like I am genuinely _precious_ to someone for the first time in my life. It’s strange and delicate, wrapping around me like a soft blanket. Wow. I love this. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

I move my hand to his chest, pressing into him to feel his heartbeat, just to make sure all of this is actually real. I find it where it should be, and it’s racing hard just like mine.

 

 

“You’re much better at that than I thought you’d be by the way,” he says turning slightly towards me to speak. I feel his soft face pressing against my forehead, effectively trapping me between his face and his shoulder. I laugh at this, moving my hand up around his neck, tenderly twisting his soft hair between my fingers.

 

 

“What, you actually thought about what it’d be like to kiss me?” I say incredulously, still laughing a little.

 

 

“Thousands and thousands of times…maybe even more.” My eyes go wide at this and I nestle further into him to let him know I like that since I really don’t know what to say.

 

 

However, my aching dick is trashing this whole fluff fest right now, and I inadvertently thrust into his stomach at the same time. He lets out an inelegant ‘ah’ sound before pushing me up by my shoulders. I feel like an asshole for doing that but he doesn’t let me worry for a second.

 

 

“ _Hinata-kun_. Do you want me to take care of that for you?” He says in this incredibly sexy voice eyeing the fucking bulge in my pants and like. My fucking jaw could not have dropped lower in disbelief at this. He looks back up at me, with some kind of intense lust shining up through his eyelashes. He’s unquestionably back to his devious side, all signs of delicate romance tossed aside, and I know right here and now that he is _not_ fucking around.

 

 

I’m like, so ready at the same time though. I can’t even count how many times the thought of this opportunity has plagued me ever since I first met him. I feel like a slut because we’ve only known each other for a few short days, but perversely this makes me even harder and my dick is painfully pressing against my jeans.

 

 

He’s not doing anything though, just waiting for me to reply and I remember everything Saihara had told me as well as my own conclusion. Akise is not going to be the one to make the first move, like ever. I have no idea why when I’m so obviously infatuated with him, hard in his lap, but whatever. I lean down, pressing a hot wet open mouth kiss against his neck, relishing in how beautifully smooth his skin feels against my lips. I accompany this by grinding into him, _hard_ and I’m totally pleased to hear a little moan escape him as a result of this.

 

 

“Ok…Get up.” He tells me and it’s only just now that I realize we’ve been doing _all_ of this in full view of like fifty people in the room. Oops. Like I care though, everyone in here is faded and mostly into whatever they’re already doing. All of them are still dancing and drinking like they’re not already giving their livers hell.

 

 

I climb off of him and barely have the sense to remember to grab Saihara’s bong, not exactly knowing the best place to keep it from getting broken by drunk people. Akise grabs it and turns around to place it behind the couch. Ok. Now his ass is right in front of me as his sweater gets pulled up by him reaching over the couch and _god damn_. It’s even better than I imagined earlier.

 

 

Instinctively, with no regard for like anything, I reach out and grab his ass between both my hands, squeezing and moving them quickly to his hips pressing myself into him. He nearly slips off the couch at this, one knee buckling and I feel like such a fucking shithead right now. What is wrong with me?

 

 

 _“Hinata-kun!”_ He shouts back at me, surprised and turning his head, but he’s _fucking smiling_ at me and I brazenly do it _one more time_ with a rolling grind visibly elated and biting my tongue, watching his face before moving my hands around his waist to pull him up against my chest.

 

But like, my face gets planted into the back of his neck because he’s on his feet again with the heels. Suddenly I feel small next to him and it’s quite disarming to be honest, but I don’t let go of him, I just softly kiss his exposed skin against my face before spinning him around and telling him that we have to get out of this room, _right now_.

 

 

He grabs me around the wrist and for the second time tonight Akise drags me through the mass of drunk people, but this time towards the bathroom.

 

 

Once we’re inside, literally my own perfect hell breaks loose. He slams me back against the door, kissing me even harder and more erratically than before. I barely remember to lock the door behind me, not wanting anyone to ruin this for us. Seriously, fuck ‘em, there are other bathrooms in this huge house.

 

 

I’m literally taking all my sexual frustration from the last few days out on Akise now, kissing him and pulling him against my body.

 

 

Knowing that I am about to experience something intensely sexual is not helping me either. I’m melting and writhing against him, me grinding on his upper thigh while he does the same to my lower stomach. His legs are already longer than mine and his shoes are making his hips even higher than they’d usually be. A small voice in my head is wondering what this would actually feel like if our dicks were grinding into each other. I’d probably pass out.

 

 

His mouth is making a mess out of me and I’m like the happiest boy alive right now. Nothing in my life can compare to the way he’s been making me feel tonight. It’s sheer bliss and I haven’t even come yet.

 

 

The thought of him making me come causes me to attack his mouth even further and his split lip comes undone, blood leaking into my mouth. I don’t even care, I even tell myself that it tastes good and I don’t let him pull away, I just keep sucking on it while his eyes go wide.

 

 

He doesn’t stay shocked for long, in fact he gets desperate after this, grabbing the bottom of my lame t-shirt and yanking it up over my head. My mouth is smeared with his blood and he _licks_ it off, slowly dragging the tip of his sweet tongue along my lips. _God_ , I’m seriously wondering if he’s as depraved as I am at this point.

 

 

His hands are like everywhere all over my chest and back, pulling himself to me in a messy kiss, breaking on and off for him to attack my neck, shoulders and chest with…well it’s not really kisses, it’s him sucking as hard as he can making me fall apart in his arms.

 

 

I feel him reach one arm around and _scratch_ down my back. An embarrassingly erotic groan is ripped somewhere from deep in my throat at this, and he smirks against my lips, doing it again on the other side. I push him away a little, breathing out an audible expletive at all of this fucking intensity. I just can’t believe how _filthy_ we’ve become in a few minutes of being in here, and I’m even more shocked at how much I absolutely _love_ it.

 

 

Not letting any of this shit slow down for a moment, he brings one hand up to my mouth, the other to his, and puts two fingers in both of our mouths at the same time. Ok. This shit is blowing my mind. Where the hell did he learn all of this? His finger is teasing my tongue and I’m literally blowing it, loving how delicate it feels.

 

 

Abruptly, he pulls both of his hands from our mouths and before I can even put two and two together, he’s fucking rubbing them in circles over my nipples and I’m a gasping mess when he decides to firmly pinch them. _Oh my god_. I can’t believe how much this turns me on. _Why_ haven’t I been playing with my nipples when I masturbate?

 

 

Seriously wanting to return whatever the fuck this is, I reach down and yank his sweater up over his shoulders, but I leave the front of it around the back of his neck, his arms still covered. Staring at his chest, I get possibly the biggest surprise of the night.

 

 

“ _Oh my god_.” The boy has his fucking nipples pierced. There’s two tiny black rings in each of his pink buds, just on full display in front of me. Again, my jaw drops because of him. I can’t help myself, I reach out and touch them gently with my fingers looking up at his smug smile. “When did this happen?!” I never saw any of this while we were camping. I literally had no idea.

 

 

“I took them out for our trip because it’s kind of like…a secret.” _A secret?_ “Maybe you’re the _only_ person in the world who has seen them since I got them, _Hinata-kun_.”

 

 

Why is he torturing me like this. Why does he destroy me like this. Why does he continue to floor me _over_ and _over_ again.

 

 

I lose control, pulling him to me, roaming his body in much the same way he did, sans scratches because let’s face it, my nails are whittled away to nothing because of how much I bite them. My hands are symmetrically focusing on his waist which is soft and beautiful, curving inwards between his chest and hips. I lean forward to drag my tongue across one of the piercings, feeling his nipple harden under my tongue.

 

 

 _“Hinata-kun.”_ I hear him gasping out my name in a shaky breath, and the sound of it keenly makes me want him, like always. Our chaotic kissing resumes, the taste of his blood in my mouth again. I had no idea I could be like _this_ with _anyone_.

 

 

My dick is _leaking_ , tightly pinned against my boxers under my jeans and begging for release at this point. I pull him to me and grind on him in desperation to wordlessly communicate this to him.

 

 

He pulls away from my grasp on his hips without breaking our kiss, and I barely notice him reaching into his pocket.

 

 

Ok, I’ve seriously always wondered what was attached to the other end of that chain that’s been by his side as a constant ever since day one. What he pulls up between us is like another _ridiculous_ _surprise_ and I simultaneously think _what the fuck_ and _how many more times he’s going to utterly shock me_. It’s attached to a travel size bottle of _fucking **coconut oil**_.

 

 

“What? _Why do you have lube in your fucking pocket?_ ” I exclaim, breaking the kiss, not even trying to conceal my complete disbelief at this.

 

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” He’s looking at me innocently like this is normal shit people do. Now, it’s always been very apparent that Akise views the world quite a bit differently than most people, but like. _This is insane_. He’s removing it, letting the chain drop at his side, dangling next to his long skinny leg. His face is absolutely lewd while runs the tip of the tiny bottle slowly down my chest stopping when it hits the top of my fly.

 

 

I do want to get off, like so badly. But part of me is screaming that I’m not ready for this. He’s pausing there, slowly rubbing the bottle against the waistline of my jeans across my lower stomach, green eyes searching my face for confirmation. It’s turning me on like mad but I’m not physically prepared for any butt play if I’m truly being honest with myself. I want to like shower and clean myself thoroughly before doing anything like that. And read tons of relevant shit on the internet, obviously.

 

 

I press a really gentle kiss to his bloody mouth, staying right there against his lips as I speak barely above a whisper.

 

 

“I’m not ready for that. Not yet.” I pull back a few inches to study his reaction to this, and he’s reaching behind him to place the bottle on the edge of the sink. He turns his head to the side moving towards my neck and I feel delicate kisses running from my jaw all the way to my shoulder. He’s being so gentle with me, but it’s still making me shudder.

 

 

He smells amazing and the molly hasn’t let up this whole time. The closeness I feel through every touch and kiss is leaving me breathless at the emotional impact of it all.

 

 

If I ever were to fall in love, I know right now _this_ is the person worth doing it with. He’s breathing against my neck, bending down to rest his head on my shoulder, thumbs locked in my belt loops at my hips. I feel his long hair draping over me onto my arm and my back and it feels so light and feathery against my skin.

 

 

With his lips against my throat he quietly says, “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun,” he presses another gentle kiss there, and his lips feel warm and so fucking soft against me. “I’m sorry for getting ahead of myself…I just want to make you feel good.”

 

 

Ok. I was already shuddering--but that last part made my dick twitch and I leaned closer into him. He lifts his head up so his lips are brushing my ear, licking the edge from my earlobe to the top of the shell whispering to me, “Can I jack you off, Hinata-kun?”

 

 

The nod I did seriously was not intended to be so curtly determined, but like, this is ideal. This is perfectly fine and good. I’m a fucking virgin after all.

 

 

He lowered himself to the floor, sitting with his back against the cabinets under the sink, spreading his legs wide, his heels touching the other side of the room with his legs slightly bent.

 

 

 _God_. He looks so fucking hot with those tight jeans and his whole stomach and chest exposed. Every mark I’ve made on him tonight and his piercings are right there in full view. I don’t know how I’m dealing with any of this right now. He pats the floor between his legs asking me to sit down.

 

 

His legs are in a perfect shape for me to nestle down with my bare back against his pale chest. His body is cooler than mine and feels so perfect against my skin. I can feel his piercings pressing into me and maybe even his heartbeat as I lean into him.

 

 

I realize at this point that we’re sitting directly opposite a floor length mirror between his legs, and I can see _everything_ we’re doing right now. _Fuck_.

 

 

He’s smiling at me with his chin resting on my shoulder, and he looks both devious and gorgeous as he’s lightly running his fingertips up and down my sides. I see and feel him turn to me and he breathes out speaking to me with his lips brushing my ear.

 

 

 _“Look at the face you’re making, Hinata-kun.”_ I really don’t fucking want to but the perverse part of me is telling me I have to in order to get the full effect of whatever his plan is here, so I tentatively look up at myself in the mirror.

 

 

Oh god. My face is a blushing mess and there’s spotted bruising all down the sides of my neck and several on my chest. It’s uncannily like the boy in my dream, but not as intensely wrecked with bite marks that I likely inflicted on him. Not like any of that shit was real though. It was just a dream.

 

 

This night is full of first times for me, and I reach up to touch the tender marks on my skin. I notice too that my mouth has blood smeared on it, it’s bright red and I’m truly surprised because something about the fact that it’s _his blood_ tells me that this is beautiful in a weird way.

 

 

Again I meet his eyes, seeing and feeling him reach under my arms, gently guiding them up and behind his head with the tips of his fingers like a fucking ballet instructor.

 

He whispers to me again, visibly licking around my ear and even a bit inward over the shell. I shudder at everything he’s doing as his hands trace the edge of my jeans at my hips before running them up my sides.

 

 

“Please keep your arms here,” he says bringing one graceful hand to tap my arm around his head, staring at me in our reflection. “And please keep watching yourself in the mirror.” _Fuck._ Good lord, this boy is going to kill me. And I want it so much. He’s playing on every fantasy I never even knew I could have right now.

 

 

The filthy side of me taking over, I watch him reach down and place his hand over the bulge in my pants while his other hand is firmly holding my hip in place so I can’t move up into his touch if I wanted to.

 

 

Gently, he traces a finger over the line of my dick through my pants and I can barely feel it, but watching him is enough to make me gasp. I realize now he’s going to tease the fuck out of me, just like in the second dream. _Jesus christ._ I lean back into him further, knowing that this is apparently what I’ve signed up for with him, preparing for the torture I’m sure he’s capable of.

 

 

I’m having extreme thoughts about how this is the first time anyone has touched me like this and it makes me want to kiss him so I ask him if it’s ok and my grip loosens around his neck enough for me to turn my head to him.

 

 

It’s another passionate wet kiss and he rewards me with pressing his palm into my dick, dragging it down my entire length. I audibly gasp into his mouth, biting his lower lip probably harder than I should, releasing even more blood. I don’t even understand why I’m not only ok with this but totally turned on by literally bathing my mouth in his blood.

 

 

He just smiles at me, breaking our kiss to gently touch his forehead to mine, letting me know that I haven’t done anything that’s too much for him.

 

 

I start to wonder if _anything_ would be too much for Akise, but I’m rapidly distracted as his palming intensifies. I turn to look at what he’s doing below me and he fucking bites the hair at the back of my head, pulling down on it with his teeth, forcibly making me look at the mirror instead. Yes, this is torture.

 

 

He doesn’t let up and I’m seriously wondering if he ever plans on actually taking my dick out when I meet his eyes in the mirror. I swear to god, he mouths the word “beg” over my shoulder making my face turn into something absolutely desperate, once again pulling that guttural groan out of me.

 

 

I’m like so grateful there’s music blasting outside the door right now. I’d probably die if anyone other than Akise heard me making noises like this. I’m probably going to die anyway at this rate, he’s making me feel so good right now.

 

 

“Please…please, I need you to touch me.” I finally break down and fucking _whimper_ , leaning my head back over his shoulder but not taking my eyes off the mirror in case he actually does it.

 

 

He kisses my cheek gently while deftly snapping the button open on my jeans. I’m intently watching my innocence vanish in the mirror as he slowly unzips me, while fucking biting the lobe of my ear, making me jerk hard against his hand still holding my hip down. He’s surprisingly stronger than he looks though and my effort is futile against his firm grip.

 

 

He whispers in my ear again slowly saying, _“Relax, Hi-na-ta-kun.”_ Oh my god he’s going to kill me with that voice of his, honestly.

 

 

When he slowly peals my fly open, I can see a huge wet spot on my boxers which frankly makes complete sense with everything that’s happened to me tonight. I feel like my skin is burning against his chest, my arms still obediently around his neck, and I feel so relieved that things have gotten this far but mostly I’m biting my lip waiting for him to touch me.

 

 

In the mirror, I notice that his eyeliner has smeared quite a bit under his eyes that are still boring into me in the reflection, and it looks _so fucking sexy_. That’s my last thought before all of my attention is fully drawn to the sight and sensation of him reaching into my boxers and touching me for the first time.

 

 

He’s gently stroking me with his cool hand in my boxers, not even letting me see all of what he’s doing, but _holy shit,_ I can _definitely_ feel it. Using the precum that’s probably everywhere down there, he’s rubbing little circles on the sensitive underside of my dick, and like I really want to scream but there’s no way I’m going to do that while looking at myself. Hopefully.

 

 

He starts using my leaking fluid to coat my whole fucking dick with his palm, and it feels so blessedly different from masturbating that I know I’m going lose it soon. His long fingers wrap all the way around me, and he’s finding a rhythm that’s getting _so_ many uncontrollable moans out of me.

 

 

Right when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, he pulls my dick out from my boxers and slides his hand down to the base, gripping me tightly, and the restriction of my orgasm is _painful_. I feel it all the way down through my balls, and I literally can’t believe what he just did to me. I practically bit through my lip at this horrible sensation.

 

 

He stays that way, still holding my dick _so_ tightly, softly kissing and gently dragging his teeth along my neck. I’m in a completely blissful daze from the molly and what he’s doing to me right now despite everything.

 

 

Honestly surprising myself, I’m just like _enduring_ this pain, part of me not wanting any of this to end and part of me giving myself up to his obviously greater experience in this sort of thing. I can’t believe how much I trust him right now.

 

 

Effectively holding me down by the base of my dick with the hand he almost got me off with, he releases his death grip on my hip to reach up to the counter, grabbing the coconut oil. _Oh fuck_.

 

 

He’s smiling at me in the mirror like a demon while he flips the cap open and pours _way too much_ lube right over my raging boner. The thick oily liquid is dripping down all over my dick to his hand around me, and it feels so weird but so _good_ at the same time. He presses his lips to my ear again for what I assume is going to be my eulogy pouring out of his sweet mouth.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, your dick is _so beautiful_ , _just_ like the rest of you.” Yeah, that’s my funeral all right, I’m groaning in his embrace and I can tell he likes this because he gives me a bright, _gorgeous_ smile in the mirror.

 

 

Without any fucking warning at all, he sinks his teeth down into the space between my shoulder and my neck and then starts pumping me so hard and so fast, reaching his other hand down into the lubricated mess to grip my balls, using his palm to gently rub over them.

 

 

I completely devolve into a moaning mess against his chest. It’s so _wet_ and so _tight_ and I’m fucking _losing_ it. This boy is so fucking _good_ , _oh my fucking god_.

 

 

It’s embarrassingly less than thirty seconds before I start coming, harder than I ever have in my life. My vision blurs out into white nothing, and I legitimately think I might have screamed his name out.

 

 

When I come back to reality, lowering my arms, I’m half expecting to be covered in my own cum, but my eyes widen to see him in the mirror languidly licking it off of his hand. He literally caught it all, and now he’s fucking feeding it to himself. I’m speechless and he’s _smirking_ at me.

 

 

“What? You taste fucking _delicious_.” He says plainly, for the first time speaking out loud instead of whispering in my ear. This unexpectedly causes me to laugh, smiling huge. I got him to swear again, oh my god. Yes.

 

 

“ _You_. Are _unbelievable_ , do you know that?” I tell him more than ask him, finally turning around to look at him as he finishes cleaning his hand. I don’t even care that his mouth is covered in blood and my cum, I kiss him hard, deeply, not letting him breathe. He responds by thoroughly and messily cleaning every last bit of the half dried blood off my mouth with his tongue and his soft lips and like. I cannot believe how _dirty_ all of this has been. On a _bathroom floor_ no less.

 

 

“You look decent now.” He says, referring to my now clean lips, smiling at me and kissing my cheek softly. “Turn back around.” I do as I’m told, leaning back into him, feeling a liberal layer of sweat between us now. I notice my dick is still out and it hasn’t even calmed down after all that, I’m still half hard and I chalk it up to how fucking attractive he is.

 

 

He’s pulling his phone out and I start to blush so hard, because like, he’s got his camera turned around on both of us and he takes a fucking picture kissing my cheek. It’s from the shoulders up, but like my dick is still _right there_ in the open, and we just had the most _insane_ time in this bathroom.

 

 

I cover my face in my hands telling him again that he’s fucking unbelievable. I finally get around to putting my junk back in my pants, then turn around to face him, putting my legs up over his on either side of his waist, grabbing the sides of his jeans around his ass, pulling him closer to me.

 

 

I kiss him again like this, my hands in his soft hair again, trying to thank him with every press of my lips and tongue to his. I really don’t know what love even is, but this person is incredibly special to me. I’m getting emotional now, and I put my head down to rest on his bony shoulder, facing his neck.

 

 

“You should really see your back Hinata-kun.” He says to me playfully, and I turn my head enough to see red, slightly bloody scratch marks running down each side as well as the teeth marks from when he got me off. I laugh at this, telling him it was so worth it, pressing a long firm kiss into his neck. Nuzzled there, I clear my throat to speak to him.

 

 

“I like you, Akise. I like you so much.” I say gently, clearly. He pushes my shoulders back to face me, pressing our foreheads together for like the tenth time tonight.

 

After a moment, he moves his head back several inches from my face while reaching out to grab both of my hands. He’s holding them gently between us, turning my palms up, and looking down at them like they’re invaluable. He lifts his gaze to meet my eyes, and suddenly his delicate features take on a very serious expression that makes my breath catch.

 

 

“Please don’t ever call me that name again. My name is Komaeda Nagito, and I _love_ you Hajime. I love you more than you can even imagine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGERBINCHESSS;p
> 
> you know by 20k I was like omg *why* am i doing this in the first person...first person smut is kind of awkward lol but im SO happy for hinata-kun rn :D
> 
> in a few chapters this story will change to third person to fill in the gaps from the other four character's pov...i honestly struggled with whether to present that in a different work as part of a series, but i just want it all in one place so just a head's up xo
> 
> your comments and kudos always mean the world to me<333


	6. revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our fingers laced together again, I follow him towards the back door again, effectively leaving my innocence and undeniably part of my soul behind me on that tile floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this note will be kind of long~~
> 
> in a few chapters this work will turn into 3rd person narration in order to cover the experiences of our other boys; Komaeda, Rantaro, Ouma and Shuuichi. Hajime of course will be there too, but it won't be expressly from his pov anymore.
> 
> things are also gonna get kind of fucked up when that happens, so this note is just a warning. if angst and violence aren't your thing, this chapter, 'revelation' is a good place to leave off. truthfully the next couple chapters barely touch on these things, but they're leading up to it and i don't want anyone to be like wtf have you done with this beautiful story. if you want a beautiful story, leave off after chapter 6 and don't look back.
> 
> if you do carry on with me into what i've written for them, please know that all of them end up happy in the end. it's just a wild and fairly traumatic road to get there. things go so much deeper than they seem right now.
> 
> as more characters come into play it might be helpful to know that in this story the 78th hpa class are seniors in hs, most of whom are in a program with the neighboring university. basically they're in a program taking college classes while finishing high school. the v3 kids are freshman at the same university, and 77th hpa class are sophomores, including hinata. there _are_ a few outlying exceptions to this, like our 24 y.o. komaeda.
> 
> i just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has kept coming back to read this and for all of your lovely kudos and comments. please know that it _really_ makes me happy to know people like this story.

 

 

 

The poignant jolt of what he said to me is severe. There are instantly so many questions that would come into play; _normally_. But for me, all I can think about is how this, **_this_** _name_ that he’s just told me, is _the same name I’ve been searching for the last two days after waking from those intense dreams_.

 

 

I can’t even deal with the emotions washing over me. It’s still euphoric, but there’s something deeper there, like a longing deep inside me that’s been desperately seeking to be satiated.

 

 

And this longing is wrapped in sadness that is inexplicably making hot tears come unbidden to my eyes, spilling down my face. I’ve never felt so emotionally fucked up in my life. My chest feels so tight. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out, twisted and then jammed back into me, and it’s struggling to beat properly.

 

 

I can’t explain any of this, but something inside of me broke at this revelation. I know without any doubt in my mind that the boy in my dreams has the same name as the person who looks exactly like him in front of me. The feelings I got from those dreams were so beautifully _intense_ ; loving, adoring, desiring. _Endlessly_. I didn’t even know I could experience anything so forceful welling up within me, heart and fucking soul.

 

 

My hands are shaking as I reach up to my face touching the tears that have run down and they won’t stop coming, running all the way to my chin and falling to the floor between us. I look back up at him and a choking sound comes out of my mouth at his face. He looks so _full of love_ that I can’t stand it.

 

 

I pull him to me tightly, not really caring if I’m hurting him with the intensity of my embrace, holding his thin body to me like I can’t ever let him go. I have no idea why this is happening to me, but it’s ceaselessly fucking me up inside.

 

 

“ _Komaeda_.” I choke out, and even more inexplicable tears are coming, falling down onto his back. _What the hell is happening to me?_ My fucking head feels like it’s literally melting, my body feeling like it’s vibrating intensely from the inside out. “ _Komaeda, Komaeda…Komaeda_ …”

 

I can’t stop crying his name, every part of me trembling with my voice cracking against him.

 

 

Somewhere in the middle of this, he’s wrapped his arms around me, gently rubbing my back and stroking the back of my head. Again he’s mercilessly making me feel like I’m _so precious to him_ and it’s not helping me regain any sense of normalcy at all.

 

 

Somehow after a while in his gentle embrace, I’m able to stop shaking and sobbing his _real_ name, beginning to breathe more calmly as well. I loosen my grip a little, still holding him close to me. My chest starts to feel less tight as the tears slow down, and I’m just feeling our bare chests touching, rising and falling with our breathing.

 

 

I pull back and grip his face with both hands, cupping the sides of his delicate jaw between my palms with the tips of my fingers in his soft hair against his scalp behind his ears, savoring his warmth. He reaches up and wipes the tears from my face in gentle strokes, looking at me with such concern that another sob escapes me, inches from his face.

 

 

My eyes meet his inescapably deep gaze, they’re pulling me into beautiful green gray, and the feeling of my head falling apart intensifies so much. I pull him into a kiss and whether I mean to or not, it’s _ardently loving_.

 

 

I move my lips slowly and firmly against his, appreciating the softness and every movement he makes to perfectly match me. His hands make their way to the nape of my neck, and his fingertips gently caress my scalp through my hair, pulling me into him further.

 

 

This soft and exploratory kiss lasts even longer than the chaotic one from the couch. My tears stop running all over us and he’s bringing me back down to earth somehow. Everything feels like it’s in its right place; deeply perfect, mending my body, heart, and mind. All of these feelings are so deeply intense that part of me wonders how this could possibly be real.

 

 

As I start to feel more like myself, coming down from the total mess of strong inexplicable emotions coursing through me, I pull away, gently kissing his cheek before moving myself back a little. The party has been raging outside the door this whole time, and more than several people have tried to get in while we’ve been in here.

 

 

Komaeda’s expression is so serene, but his eyes are searching my face with concern and something else I have no words for. Whatever it is, it’s deep and somehow connected to everything that just happened.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” he says in a soft voice, “I…I never meant to tell you my name on a bathroom floor…Are you all right?”

 

 

“Uh…” I literally cannot comprehend what the fuck just happened to me, but I have no doubt that the molly and the dreams have everything to do with it. “I’m not sure what just happened. Something about hearing your name made me…” I trail off not knowing _what_ to say.

 

 

He reaches one hand up to hold my face gently, running his delicate thumb along my cheek, and his expression is still filling me with that feeling of being deeply cared for. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes. All of it is too much, this _Komaeda_ , these _feelings_.

 

 

“Do you want to go outside and talk more? …Cigarette?” He’s smiling now and I nod my head. We untangle ourselves and get up off the floor. He reaches to the sink, wetting a wash cloth then turning back to me. He folds it and moves it across my face under my eyes and down to my chin, cleaning away the dried tears. It feels warm against my skin. His touch is so gentle. I reach to his other hand at his side to take it in mine, interlacing our fingers and squeezing it a little to hopefully let him know how much I appreciate this.

 

 

After he cleans my face, he turns me around and wipes down the scratches on my back, against the trails of semi dried blood. His touch is still gentle, but it inevitably burns a little, making me wince. This time, his free hand reaches for mine, interlacing and squeezing--mirroring what I just did. It almost makes me want to cry again, but I hold it in. My chest hurts.

 

 

He takes the wash cloth back to the sink and wrings it out under warm water before cleaning his own face with it. He’s delicately wiping away the smeared eyeliner and the blood off his cut lip when I reach down to the floor to collect my shirt to put it back on.

 

 

I barely remember to check the pocket to makes sure the paraphernalia my friends so _graciously bestowed_ upon me was still there. One of the joints is partially broken, but other than that everything is all right. When I turn around, I get my last look at his piercings before he puts his sweater back on properly.

 

 

“I’m sorry, I probably stretched it out.” I say to him quietly, and he just smiles and shakes his head telling me not to worry about it. That everything was assuredly worth it.

 

 

His prominent collar bones are visible above the stretched out neckline, showing several marks I had left on him, fresh and dark red against his beautiful skin. I smile at this and pull him close to me again, this time looking up at him.

 

 

I’m feeling how slight he is again in my arms, like a waif that would break if I squeezed too hard. I tell myself that I’m going to make it my goal to get him to eat more even if it makes him hate me. Yeah. I love him. Even if I’m not ready to say it.

 

 

Running my hands up his back, I grab his shoulders and pull him down to my lips for one last kiss, closed mouth and gentle so I don’t break his lip open again. With my eyes closed, I smile against his lips at the thought of being able to ruin his mouth with mine as soon as the cut heals. I file that away for later, pulling back to look him up and down.

 

 

“Don’t your feet hurt?” I ask, my eyebrows narrowing in concern as I look from his boots back up to his face. He laughs one of those beautiful ones…It makes a huge smile spread across my face at the sound of it.

 

 

“Of course they do…but it’s not like I have any other shoes to change into here so I’m…well, I’m trying to ignore it?” He’s smiling now and pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. I press my body tenderly against him before letting go to leave the bathroom with him. He goes through the door first, holding my hand properly in contrast to the tight hold he had on my wrist the whole way here from the living room earlier.

 

 

A wave of happiness is washing over me at everything that had happened before my meltdown as I take steal one last glimpse of the bathroom where I basically experienced at least fifty first times.

 

 

Our fingers laced together again, I follow him towards the back door again, effectively leaving my innocence and undeniably part of my soul behind me on that tile floor.

 

 

Somewhere behind me I here Souda exclaim, _“Fucking finally!”_ I laugh out loud at the thought of Souda waiting all this time to take a piss because of us. Akise—no, _Komaeda…Nagito_ turns back to me at the sound of my laughter, and his smile is the brightest thing in this dark hallway.

 

 

We step outside into the cool night air, and it feels so nice against my skin. I still can’t get over how _fucking beautiful_ he looks. Like. I would wobble around and fall on my face in shoes like that, but he’s totally fine and the heels somehow make his hips move in this obscenely addicting way when he walks.

 

 

I intimately recall how I loved the way his barely exposed hips looked when he dragged me running through the forest a couple days ago. And how they felt in my hands so many times tonight under his jeans. I think I might have a hip fetish. A Komaeda hip fetish.

 

 

Distracted in my staring, I let him lead me over to a huge trampoline off to the side of the yard away from all the loud people on the patio. He lifts himself up to sit on the edge and takes off his shoes, leaving them on the ground. I follow his example and kick off my shoes before lifting myself up next to him. We sit on the edge together, closer than if we were just friends now, and he lights a cigarette before handing it to me.

 

 

I see him open a bottle of water that he had grabbed while we passed through the kitchen, and he hands it to me telling me that we should just stick to drinking water for the rest of the night, especially because of the molly.

 

 

He lit my cigarette for me. He let me drink the water first. He got me off— _oh_. It’s only just now that I realize how he’s given me so much and I’ve given him so little in terms of what he did to me in front of that mirror.

 

 

Suddenly I feel very much like the selfish half virgin that I am. I recalled my fantasies from our trip and even my dreams where he literally did everything just for me. He doesn’t seem bothered in the least and I start to wonder if Komaeda is actually a pleaser…a giver in regard to sex things.

 

 

I don’t want it to be this way. God, even how he massaged me and paid for our dinner. How he wrapped me up like a burrito in his soft blanket as I was falling asleep last night. How he’s cooked for me so fucking much. _This boy_. _This boy is going to kill me_ , I tell myself for the millionth time since I met him four days ago. Looking over at him, I smile at the thought that he really seems to _like_ doing all these things for me, and he might be blushing a little but it’s hard to tell in the semi darkness of the back yard.

 

 

“You know that mint I gave you after we ate the mushrooms?” He says after a while, making eye contact with me, a mischievous smile spreading across his face. I laugh a little at the memory coming to mind.

 

 

“How could I forget, you fucking put it on my tongue.” I say, watching him look down for a moment while retorting that I _totally_ let him.

 

 

Nodding my head, everything he did to me back there seems so suggestive in hind sight. He hadn’t been fucking with me. He was genuinely _attracted_ to me, as plain and ordinary as I am in comparison to someone like him.

 

 

Looking back up at me with that same devious expression, he nonchalantly says, “It was actually a catalyst.”

 

 

“A _what?_ What the hell is a catalyst?” I look at him incredulously not knowing _what_ he would say next.

 

 

“Normally you come up on mushrooms very slowly. It’s beautiful in its own way but…the mint I gave you and the one I took kind of sped up the process a lot…I wanted to see what it did to you.” He’s kind of biting his lip now, pausing between drags, waiting for me to reply but not looking away. What the hell.

 

 

For some reason this doesn’t surprise me at all. That he’s the kind of person that would subject other people to potential dangers just to see what would happen. I don’t even say anything because for some perverse reason it makes me smile at him, _knowingly_ and I find myself slowly nodding my head at the same time as I lift my cig up to my lips as my answer to this revelation.

 

 

Part of me wonders what kind of person just accepts that they’ve been drugged without their knowledge so easily. Deeper in my mind, there’s a certainty that Komaeda would never hurt me but it doesn’t explain my pure amusement in the slightest. Surreally, I genuinely wonder how well I actually know myself and how this train of thought is brought on solely because I’ve met someone like Komaeda.

 

 

My strange companion seems pleased with my ‘response,’ and continues, “I gave Rantaro and Shuuichi regular mints.” Ignoring this for the most part, I recall Ouma’s elaborate one sided conversation with the frog and I turn to him almost in shock asking him what the hell he gave Ouma.

 

 

He lets out one of those characteristic two-syllable laughs, the one I especially love…when he knows something I don’t. “Ah…that one had something like jimson weed in it…” I search my brain for anything I know about what he just said but it’s coming up blank because I’ve never heard of jimson weed before. “You know how Ouma’s completely addicted to codeine?” He asks, and I blink and shake my head not in a negating sense, but more like I totally know what he’s talking about and that it’s something I wouldn’t even play with.

 

 

“Anyway,” he goes on laughing a little to himself, “I wanted him to trip balls basically.” He’s laughing way too much now and I’m marveling at all the secrets he’s confided in me tonight…the nip rings, his real name, and now this. He really does trust me and even though this particular secret is shady as fuck, I’m laughing. “I kind of knew everyone would chalk it up to the codeine but it was definitely the ‘mint’ causing all of that.”

 

 

I realize that this little story and making me laugh is also his way of distracting me from how fucking weird it made me feel to hear his name. He’s continuing to bring me back to normal and the probability of breaking down in tears again seems farther and farther away. I wonder just how much Komaeda devotes himself to considering practically every aspect of every situation given the entirety of what he’s shown me so far.

 

 

There’s a large can set on the patio about thirty feet away from us as a collective party ashtray, and I toss my cigarette butt at it watching it hit the side and bounce off to the ground. He lets out a single laugh at me and tosses his, making it perfectly into the can. For some reason, this doesn’t surprise me either.

 

 

Remembering my decision to try to do something for him, I turn sideways and roll over towards the center of the trampoline, looking back and saying “come over here.” He makes a cute ‘o’ shape with his mouth and quickly follows me, but like way more gracefully, until he’s sitting down in front of me.

 

 

I tell him to give me his feet. He asks me why and I tell him to just do it, smiling at his puzzled expression. Somehow puzzling him is just as satisfying as pulling swear words out of him.

 

 

He obediently puts his feet in my lap, leaning back on his hands, and I take one of them and start massaging it.

 

 

“Hinata-kun, you don’t have to do that. I know I said my feet hurt but this is--”

 

 

“Shut up.” I tell him playfully and I make sure to carefully but firmly hold onto his foot, continuing to massage him. I certainly don’t tell him that my mother had me do this every night after she spent all day on her feet in heels at her job which was one of the few administrative employment opportunities in our small town. 

 

 

Despite the mama’s boy aspect of this insignificant talent of mine, I still smile fondly remembering my mother and I silently thank her for making me do this so much even though at the time I found it incredibly embarrassing. I knew the areas that were prone to blisters because of this, and I avoided them while focusing on the parts where his weight distribution would have undoubtedly been hurting his feet. 

 

 

“It feels _really_ good.” He tells me after a little while, looking off into the darkness, still obviously uncomfortable at the fact that _I’m_ doing something for _him_ right now. Shyly meeting my eyes he tells me, “You’re actually really good at this.”

 

 

“Are you surprised?” I ask him raising one eyebrow, rubbing circles into the ball of his foot with one hand, pressing around his heel with the other.

 

 

“Maybe?” he says teasingly eyeing me and even after everything, his proximal beauty still makes my face feel hot.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” He says quietly and I look up to meet his eyes. They’re a bit serious again and he’s pulling his lower lip in a little at the corner. I hum in inquiry and he continues, “About my name…no one else knows…” he trailed off at the end, not looking at me. I kind of figured but hadn’t given it that much thought. It still affects me deeply when I give it any thought at all to be honest.

 

 

I wait until the dragging silence makes him turn back to me and while looking him in the eye with my own sort of seriousness, I tell him simply that I got it. I know what he’s trying to say right now. That this is something private between us. Our very own intimate secret. I like the idea of this very much actually almost laughing because apparently it’s this and the nipple rings under his scandalous sweater. I look back down shaking my head a little because he’s thanking me.

 

 

Remembering the non-broken joint in my pocket as I’m finishing my ministrations, I crawl up over him, sitting down with my legs bent on either side of his hips. I ask him for his lighter and kiss him once before gently pushing his shoulder making him lie back. Pulling the joint from my pocket and taking the lighter from his hand, I light it and maybe I’m also circularly grinding a bit on his crotch. It’s more than cute when he covers his face with his arms to stifle what I think might be a quiet moaning sound.

 

 

I climb off and lie next to him, handing him the joint. Lying side by side I look up for the first time and the sky is clear, allowing us to see the stars above us. I remember the first and only other time we did this on the beach that first night camping. I turn over to him with one hand supporting my head and jokingly tell him that he was such a dick for pushing me over and whispering in my ear like that.

 

 

Blowing out his hit, he smirks at me before pushing me back and climbing over me. He’s staring down at me, playfully biting his tongue sitting directly on my crotch…and yeah. He’s copying my grinding now, but I don’t cover my face; I let him see it twist into what it’s making me feel, and I let him hear the noise it’s pulling from my throat.

 

 

He quickly takes a huge hit and falls onto me, meeting my lips and shotgunning it to me with his elbows on either side of my head. This time though, I feel his tongue in my mouth, slowly licking all around the inside of my lips before sliding over my tongue as he exhales. I slightly push him away after breathing it all in, blowing it all out quickly to the side before pulling him back down forcefully into a deep kiss.

 

 

It’s so weird to me that this feels so natural with him, even though my first kiss was only about an hour ago. Remembering how that quickly evolved into him jacking me off on the bathroom floor in front of a fucking mirror makes me pull him closer to me until he’s fully lying on top of my whole body.

 

 

I don’t let him go, I just keep making out with him like mad. The joint probably went out by now but I don’t care. All I want to do is devour his mouth with mine while the molly and the weed make my mind beautifully fall apart under him.

 

 

After a couple minutes, he pushes himself back up, breaking our wet kiss, telling me in a raspy whisper that I’m going to fucking break his lip open again. I bite my lip smiling up at him before coyly saying, “Did you just say the f word again, Komaeda?”

 

 

He just dejectedly smirks and climbs off to sit beside me where he lights the joint again and hands it to me. I sit up before taking it and inhale a long drag before handing it back to him. I take his other hand in mine and hold it firmly. We sit there silently passing it a few times between us when I notice a single tear run down his cheek before he quickly wipes it away.

 

 

I can’t imagine what is bothering him, but I flick the unfinished joint over the side of the trampoline while gently asking him what’s wrong.

 

 

“It’s just…” His voice is breaking a little and I think to myself that even this tone of his is somehow beautiful even though there’s an obvious underlying sadness. I take his other hand, holding both of his in mine. They’re limp and almost cold to the touch so I cup them in my lap to warm him a little.

 

 

I patiently wait a little for him to go on, noticing that even though his face looks pained that there are no more tears after that first one. Nearly recovering his usual voice, he looks at me quietly asking, “Are we together now?”

 

 

 _Oh god_. Logically, he’s not wrong to be concerned over this. I still haven’t broken up with my boyfriend. I’ve just been drunkenly hooking up with him at a party. It doesn’t mean that we have any kind of relationship, does it? I could very well go on with my life pretending none of this ever happened. That’s logically though. I want to flick his forehead for being messed up over this.

 

 

Does he not remember me confessing to him that I very much _like_ him earlier? Multiple times? I mean I _did_ made him take molly and four shots of shitty vodka but like. What an idiot, honestly.

 

 

I push his legs open and slide between them, moving mine to either side of his waist and pull him to me in a tight hug. I put my face right against his, my mouth close to his ear.

 

 

“Baaahka.” I say, not even lowering my voice to a whisper despite practically pressing my lips to his ear. I feel him jolt in my arms. I hold him tighter before gently whispering, “How do you not know how much I like you by now?”

 

 

I pull back to look at his face and there’s another unreadable mix of emotions there, but whatever it is I can tell that he’s struggling internally. I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain it has something to do with him always saying that he doesn’t deserve anything good in life. My heart almost breaks a little at the fact that he shed a tear over this.

 

 

I pull him to my lips, gently kissing him again like our last kiss in the bathroom but this time breaking up my entire sentence while softly moving my lips against his, “You… idiot… how… do… you… _not_ … understand… how… much… I… fucking… **_like_** you.”

 

 

I hear his breath hitch at this, but he doesn’t pull away. I just keep kissing him and holding him close to hide how much my face is burning. _Ah_. I didn’t want to tell him because it’s fucking embarrassing to say these things. Not because it’s at all untrue.

 

 

I hold him there, thinking to myself that molly is a hell of a drug. Like. My emotions have been all over the place but all centered around Komaeda. I never would have realized how strongly I feel about him without it. And even if I did eventually come to that conclusion in my right mind, I certainly would not have had the guts to just come out and say it to him no matter how much he cried in front of me. And like, I’m not even mad. I’m bizarrely grateful for getting in touch with this inner self of mine that I’ve so recently discovered.

 

 

He feels like he’s melting in my embrace and that’s good. There’s an intense wave of happiness punctuating the euphoric feel of his lips touching mine and the way he feels in my arms. I know this is mostly because we’re high as fuck but I want to remember this always.

 

 

When I finally feel I can look him in the eye again without blushing furiously because of what I just said, I pull away from the kiss but keep my arms and legs loosely wrapped around him. His whole face is smiling back at me from his wet lips to the glow in his pretty, _pretty_ eyes. Again I think to myself that the eyeliner is _such_ a nice touch to everything about him tonight.

 

 

 _“You’re gorgeous.”_ I tell him quietly while pushing his hair back with one hand at the side of his face, feeling how soft his skin is again with my palm against his cheek. I have no idea how I can say _that_ but not declare how I actually feel about him without my face burning.

 

 

He leans into my hand, cocking his head to the side with an overly cute expression but then he says, “Is that why you like me Hi-na-ta-kun?” I pull my hand back, mouth gaping a bit at how quick he can go from falling apart in my arms to teasing me again. I don’t even give him the pleasure of whatever flustered answer my drunk ass might come up with right now. I just try to recover my face enough to playfully scowl at him a bit.

 

 

Our water was gone a while ago and I can hear the music in the house getting to a really good stretch of songs on my playlist so I smile at him and ask him if he wants to dance with me.

 

 

“Can you even dance, Hinata-kun?” He’s hell bent on teasing me now again and I suppose this is much better than him stressing about what he means to me so I move off of the trampoline telling him over my shoulder that he should just find out.

 

 

I hand him his shoes to put on while he’s sitting on the edge and slip back into mine standing next to him. On a whim, I get on my knees between his dangling legs and tie his boots for him. I know this kind of reciprocal kindness shit makes him uncomfortable and that’s what he’s going to get for teasing me so much. Standing up, I pick him up before he can protest and set him on the ground in front of me.

 

 

I can’t believe how light he is for being taller than me and again I tell myself that I will somehow get him to eat more…but later. I kiss his cheek before he can complain about what I did ‘not being necessary’ and grab his hand to drag him back into the house with me.

 

 

In the kitchen, I stop by the fridge to get us a bottle of water to share and I open it and hand it to him. I have to put my hand under the bottle and push it up at an angle to get him to drink first and I smile up at him while he kind of squints down at me as he swallows a few sips. He hands it back to me and I pretend to ignore him muttering that I ‘don’t have to be so kind’ to him. I just chug half the bottle and put it back in his hand before turning to continue dragging him into the living room.

 

 

A quick scan around the room tells me that Rantaro is thankfully nowhere in sight. However…Ouma is shirtless and twerking his ass off on the coffee table to the delight of a large group of cheering girls and even a few guys crowded around him. The sight makes me laugh so fucking hard. Little do these people know that this chibi almost _shot_ a guy yesterday.

 

 

I lead Komaeda right into the center of the room under the colored ball light thing. I take the mostly empty water bottle from him and toss it over my shoulder in the general direction of Ouma’s ridiculous show. I laugh when I hear him yelling _“Hey, who did that!”_ behind me, but pretend that it had nothing to do with me. Komaeda puts one hand over his mouth to cover his laughing fit and I grab it away revealing his bright smile to place it on my shoulder.

 

 

I’m not gonna lie. It’s more than a little awkward at first, getting used to the fact that he’s so much taller than me in heels. But _god damn_. The boy can dance way better than I’ve ever seen someone dance in my life. The shoes aren’t hindering him at all. His motions are purely erotic and completely doing sweet justice to every beat. I can’t help but be entranced at what he’s doing in front of me and I grab his sinfully moving hips to pull him back to me many, _many_ times.

 

 

I can’t for the life of me copy what he’s doing and I would probably look absolutely ridiculous if I did. Again, he can pull off an entire set of _things_ that I can’t because he’s so fucking pretty.

 

 

But this is _my_ playlist. This is _my_ music, and I love every fucking track. So I let the molly continue to erode my rationality, moving in my own sensual way for him. Against him.

 

 

I fucking love the look on his face when we’re dancing together. It’s a barely contained hunger mixed with admiration and I don’t ever want to come down from this high.

 

 

There’s so many points where he’s just straddling my thigh, right up against me as we’re moving. He does this thing over and over where he turns around and just expertly fucking _slithers_ down my chest perfectly moving his ass against me…most of the time this drives me to pull him back up into my arms and yank him down to kiss me. Even our persistent grinding drives me to kiss him again and again, deeper and deeper. His lip is totally busted from this, and neither of us care. We’re caught in our own little world and it’s beautiful.

 

 

I really can’t tell if I like it more when we’re shamelessly making out, moving our sweaty bodies together perfectly in sync, or when he pulls away, doing his own thing right in front of me, driving me crazy. I do know that I’m eternally thanking the molly gods in my head the whole time.

 

 

I have no idea how much time has passed but like, we’re both absolutely covered in sweat, breathing hard, holding each other so closely. I really never want to let him go. I’ve never seen anyone so sexy in my fucking life. I had no idea that I’d ever be lucky enough to be able to even treasure moments like these.

 

 

When I occasionally look around us, I can tell that Souda had found quite a few uh…customers on this dance floor. We’re not the only ones trapped in an ecstasy induced world, wrapped around each other. It’s a relief that we’re not literally putting on a show here. No one is paying that much attention to us and I can tell we’re not the only queer people caught up in this.

 

 

Mahiru and Saionji are next to us, occasionally dancing with us in circles and they’re just as fucked up and grinding all over each other as much as we are. Sonia is doing a fucking number on a blushing seated Gundam across the room from us…but somehow I think Sonia must’ve taken something else because she’s literally doing ballet moves laughing her ass off between Tanaka’s legs right now. Souda is probably crying in a corner somewhere.

 

 

Ouma’s still shirtless on the table, but there’s a bunch of cute people next to him up there now that I don’t recognize and they’re all grinding on each other and laughing.  Even Asahina is doing some kind of lap dance for her girlfriend who’s sitting on one of the couches looking like she’s losing her mind. I seriously know the feeling watching Komaeda every time he pulls unexpected and straight up sinful moves while his eyes burn into me.

 

 

In the middle of all this, some of Ouma’s friends have climbed the stairs to shoot fucking glitter over the room and it’s falling all around us. It’s like, impossibly beautiful watching Komaeda get covered in a snowfall of glitter, dancing like he does and grinding into me. I can hear his laughter over the music and it’s definitely my favorite sound in the world. The dance floor is a sea of glitter now and I feel like this is the closest I’ve ever been to being in a legit gay bar.

 

 

I kind of want to joyfully scream at how good all of this is. This night turned out _so_ much better than I ever would have imagined earlier when I was sulking and eating a cold burrito between episodes of stopping people from breaking shit.

 

 

When a really popular kpop song randomly comes up, I’m completely surprised how many people know the complicated dance routine to it. Everyone is dancing in step together now, twisting and popping just like the music video, Komaeda and myself included.

 

 

I can’t stop grinning at him watching his footwork adeptly matching mine next to me. I think we’re the only ones pulling the hard parts off almost perfectly. When the song ends, everyone cheers and graciously bows ironically at each other. It’s ridiculous.

 

 

Behind me, Ouma cuts the music and has Sakura is fucking holding him up titanic style so everyone can see him as he tells everyone to take a seat because the girls are going to perform a piece for us from their musical. Some completely generous person brought a case of water to the room and bottles are being communally passed around to everyone while we take our seats on the glitter covered floor.

 

 

Komaeda sits down with his legs spread and I blush remembering the fucking bathroom mirror _again_ , letting him pull me down to sit between his legs. He holds me around my waist and I feel my back press into his chest. Our shirts are damp and I can feel the heat of his body all around me. Someone blessedly opens the front door and Ouma turns on the ceiling fan to cool everyone off.

 

 

I feel Komaeda rest his chin on my shoulder and I turn in his arms to kiss him. His hair has gone so frizzy with the sweat from his scalp and he looks so funny like this. I ruffle his hair with one hand watching glitter fly out all over his shoulders. He does the same to me and we’re cackling at each other like idiots.

 

 

We’re kind of being a bit exhibitionist, sitting in the middle of everyone, especially when we revert to cleaning his blood from his split lip off both of our mouths with our tongues. Saionji is going to come up with an epic new nickname for me because of this, I just know it as I open one eye to catch her staring at us with some kind of grimace on her face. I raise one hand to flip her off before going back to fully lick Komaeda’s chin to get the last of it.  I love how both he and I know that this is fucking ridiculous and inappropriate to say the least. There’s no way that Rantaro won’t hear about all of this and I’m too faded to care.

 

 

The lights go out and I turn around as Komaeda squeezes my hand a bit before shamelessly dropping both of his hands right between my legs. Quickly, I grab both of them and firmly hold them on top of my thighs as he whimpers his feigned discontent right against my ear.

 

 

He’s back to resting his chin on my shoulder and pulls his hands from my grasp to hold me tightly around my waist. I reach my hand up to gently hold the side of his face next to mine, stroking his cheek once before the girls on the table are illuminated by a bright light being held by someone at the top of the stairs. I briefly kiss his cheek and move my hands back down to cover Komaeda’s around my waist, lacing our fingers together.

 

 

Asahina, Sayaka and Sonia are standing on the table next to a girl I don’t recognize, but I know she’s one of Ouma’s friends. She’s got one of those blow pipe keyboards hanging in front of her and her long blonde hair is held back by these cute silver pins.

 

 

Sakura is standing next to the table, but her intimidating height fairly matches everyone on the table. I almost feel bad for her, I know that if she stood on the table she’d definitely break it under her muscular weight so that must be why she’s standing next to them on the floor. She’s smiling beautifully though and I notice she has a harp in her hands.

 

 

Someone in the back of the room shouts “kill it, Kaede!” and I now have a name for the keyboard girl on the table. She and Sakura start off a beautiful melody and not too far into it, the other girls start singing something, harmonizing in fucking _Gaelic_. It’s incredibly beautiful and all of their costumes are covered in glitter from earlier. It’s fairly stunning and I hear Komaeda exhale an appreciative sound next to my ear, making me squeeze his arms around me tighter.

 

 

Souda, that fucking shameless moron, is sitting right at the edge of the table trying to lean over the others to look up under Sonia’s tutu and I’m pleased to see Gundam literally smack him upside the head…still I’m pretty sure Souda is secretly taking picture after picture of the whole performance.

 

 

I’m like, impossibly proud of Sakura. She looks so peacefully in her element but I know just how hard she worked to learn how to read music and play her harp. Music was never something she felt confident in learning much less playing in front of an audience.

 

 

I feel so fortunate that they’re all sharing this beautiful piece with us. This feeling is compounded by the fact that I’m sitting here being held by the weirdo I’ve been falling in love with the last four days. The keyboard is actually really comical, watching Kaede blow into the tube and all, but on the whole their performance is lovely.

 

 

Part way through, I feel Komaeda start to roam my body with his hands and pull my earlobe into his mouth where he’s doing something completely inappropriate with his tongue. I have to cover my mouth with my hand in order to not make a sound. _Why is he like this?_

 

 

Determined not to rudely interrupt their performance, but perversely not wanting to stop him, I bite down on my hand and let him mess me up even more. I don’t know whether it’s a blessing or a curse that Komaeda seems to be as corrupt as I am.

 

 

In the darkness, I feel him move one hand to palm me through my jeans as his other hand runs up under my shirt to audaciously squeeze my nipple between his fingers. I have to bite my hand so hard and I’m practically squirming in his arms.

 

 

I hear someone click their tongue at us somewhere close beside us in the dark, and I’m wondering how the hell they can even tell what we’re doing. It suspiciously sounds like Saionji, but I can’t tell. Somehow the knowledge of some random person watching this makes me harder under Komaeda’s hand, inevitably reminding me of my dream of being tied up in that library and how the possibility of being caught was so alluring to me in that state.

 

 

My hips are uncontrollably reacting to his touch, erratically rising again and again to meet his strokes as he rubs my nipples raw under my shirt. I’m seriously about to come in my pants by the time the music stops lights go up and he just drops his hands to his sides like nothing happened.

 

 

I’m a blushing sweaty mess as everyone around me, including Komaeda applauds the bowing musicians. I barely get my shit together to raise my hands up to awkwardly clap, unable to cheer because I’m still catching my breath.

 

 

As the applause dies down and people are helping the girls down off the glittery table, I turn to Komaeda and give him a look that I hope coveys more of ‘what the hell’ than ‘let’s get the hell out of here.’ Of course he just laughs like he has no idea what’s wrong with me.

 

 

I stand and reach down to help him up. I notice right away that Rantaro and Shuuichi are at the top of the stairs where they must have been watching the performance from the railing. Shuuichi is grinning his face off at us and Rantaro is glaring bullets at me. Komaeda turns to look up at them, seemingly oblivious to the look on his brother’s face, and waves cheerfully telling them to come down. _Fuck_.

 

 

Spending the last of my molly high around Rantaro the hater is like, the last thing I want to do in my life. But Komaeda is all about it, all drunk and high and so fucking cheerful that I can’t deny him anything. I mean. I let him palm me with his hand up my shirt in the middle of fifty people while our friends were performing just now.

 

 

Shuuichi is approaching me, fucking glowing and I still can’t believe that shit he did for us earlier. I’m smiling so much waiting for him to get over here so I can tell him like EVERYTHING. Except for Akise being Komaeda and whatnot. That shit is seriously a lot to get used to, but I can see _why_ it’s not something to tell anyone else so clearly after tonight. It’s hard to think about. It takes me right back into that bathroom soaking in my own fucked up tears.

 

 

Rantaro and Shuuichi finally get to us through the crowd that’s gone back to raging to my playlist and my crime partner grabs my arm to lead me into the kitchen and we leave the two brothers behind. Shuuichi’s got his arm linked in mine and this is seriously another perfect save, I don’t even know how he’s doing this for me right now.

 

 

 _“Thank youuu.”_ I lean down telling him, and he just squeezes my arm beaming up at me with an arrogant, _‘you’re welcome, binch.’_

 

 

We’re finally in the kitchen and a new block of ice has magically appeared on the counter with Asahina avidly ice picking a luge channel into it. Shuuichi is all about it and laughing so I help Aoi to get the boy wasted. I’m in charge of the chaser and I’m smirking down at Shuuichi while lifting the bottle up over and over, giving him straight vodka on and off. He’s flipping me off, but like totally going for it.

 

 

Souda’s sitting on the counter next to us and after Shuuichi calls me a bitch again, taking the chaser right out of my hand to pound it, I smack Souda’s shoulder hard to get his attention. The pink haired boy is like wasted and lit on some whack combination of narcotics, having a completely different experience than anyone I’ve seen at this party. I can barely communicate to him that I want him to give me a fucking cigarette.

 

 

Shuuichi has gotten us a couple beers by the time I have literally had to unzip one of Souda’s pockets myself to get a pack out. He’s so far gone that I don’t even feel bad about knicking the whole pack off him. Shuuichi hands me my beer and we make our way to the back yard.

 

 

Once out in the cool air, I reach into my pocket to pull out the broken fucked up joint. I’m kind of holding back a huge grin remembering just how it got this way. Shuuichi gives me his beer to hold and he pulls a pack of papers out of his pocket to repair it, and in under a minute we’ve got a brand new joint. I let him light it and take a couple drags before making him take his beer back.

 

 

I have no idea where my excess ways have come from since I got into college, but it escalated a shit ton this year when Shuuichi and Ouma and all their friends came in as freshmen… like, I’m literally totally fine holding a cig _and_ a joint _and_ a beer right now like it’s nothing with a fat smile on my face. Komaeda is definitely to blame for my newfound love of cigarettes to be honest.

 

 

After a few ‘rounds’ of all of this shit, Shuuichi seriously kicks me in the shin, grinning over his beer, his huge eyes basically giving me a _what the fuck_ _look_.

 

 

 _“I don’t have all day, **Hajimmy**.”_ He says playfully and I remind him that it’s night. “You’re so lame, you know that.”

 

 

Yeah that was a grandpa thing to say to the core and I know it. So flick my head towards the side of the patio where no one will be too close to us so I can finally tell him all of the shit that’s happened since he ‘passed out.’

 

 

I tell him literally everything except Komaeda’s real name and like how I cried my fucking face off. His eyes were bugging out the whole time, all kinds of lit up at me, and he alternated between ‘holy shits,’ ‘omfg’s’ and just like gaping. Especially when I told him about all the fucking blood and how ‘Akise’ like mouthed the word ‘beg’ in the mirror at me. The parts about the nip piercings and the fucking lube chain made him punch my shoulder while saying, _“Fuuuuck.”_

 

 

When I got to the part about how he fucking edged me right at the end we were both practically screaming. This is honestly exactly what I needed after all of Komaeda’s intensity and my fucking anxiety spiking the minute I saw Rantaro after the performance.

 

 

The whole time I kept telling him about how the molly is just the best thing in the world with how it made Komaeda feel all night. I’m truthfully not off it even now, and Shuuichi looks like a little black haired angel so I tell him that.

 

 

“Fuck you, _stop it,_ Hajime.” He says, sticking his pierced tongue out at me and then bashfully hiding in his nearly empty beer cup. It’s fucking adorable.

 

 

After his last sip I take his cup and put it in mine, just like tossing it on the ground before we go back inside because this place is so fucked up anyway. The kitchen floor is probably the worst thing I’ve seen at any party yet. You can’t even walk one step without kicking random garbage and nearly falling on your ass because there’s so much nasty liquid all over it. Ouma’s family probably has maids anyway, and I sincerely feel _so_ sorry for them as we make our way back to the living room.

 

 

I push Shuuichi right past Komaeda and Rantaro, briefly grabbing Komaeda’s ass with one hand as we pass them, sticking my tongue out at him over my shoulder before they disappear behind all the people between us. I saw him bite his lip and our eye contact is still something hungry and deeper than I can explain, but Shuuichi has taken my other hand to lead me into the center of the crowd of dancing drunk people. Well. Drunk and on _other things_ too. Fucking Souda. He must’ve made a fucking fortune tonight. I should rob his ass, I’m pretty sure he’s passed out on the kitchen floor by now.

 

 

When we get there, I spend the next half hour dancing with Shuuichi. The lights are off again and somehow the glitter antics have been replaced by a ton of bendy glow sticks that were being passed out. Shuuichi has like five around his neck and I made a crown out of mine. We’ve got some sweet glowing bracelets on too and all of this shit is so fucking ridiculous that we can’t stop laughing at each other in a competition to pile more and more on, literally jacking them from anyone who gets too close to us.

 

 

Somehow between all of this, I ask him what the hell happened after he passed out for me. He laughs hysterically for a good two minutes and then he’s against me talking loudly in my ear over the blasting music.

 

 

 _“Oh my fucking god, Hajime,_ you like owe me so hard right now.” I give him half of my twelve glowing crowns and tell him that we’re even and he literally pinches my nipple through my shirt, hard. Ok. I guess I really do owe him. Not like _molly_ owe him…unless I really _do_ rob Souda, which of course I won’t, but I’m going to have to buy Shuuichi lunch for like a month straight, I can tell.

 

 

 _“Annnywaay,”_ He goes on sarcastically with his arms around my neck, “I let him fucking slap me ‘awake’ and feed me like nine waters until I vommed,” at this point I push him away a little giving _him_ the _what the fuck face_ , and he just shrugs and goes back to leaning on my shoulder to tell me more.“Then because Rantaro is a _straight perv_ , I let him go down on me for like an hour.”

 

 

I’m blinking and shaking my head because _how is that even possible and do I even want to know?_ He’s smirking at me and yeah. I don’t want to know. I turn to look over my shoulder seeing Rantaro in the corner chatting with Komaeda and they’re both such _sluts_ I realize for probably the first time. It’s not a bad thing _at all,_ but _god damn._ They’re like a couple of wolves in sheep’s clothing, for real.

 

 

I turn back to Shuuichi and we’re both kind of smugly grinning at each other right now because we both know that we were literally _serviced_ by the brothers of the year apparently.

 

 

I lean close to Shuuichi’s ear again to ask him how the fuck Rantaro went from punching his brother the other night to whatever the hell they’re doing now, like everything is perfectly fine.

 

 

“It’s not _perfectly fine_ , idiot.” He tells me bluntly, and then he goes on to basically tell me that all of Rantaro’s ‘jealousy’ and ‘anger’ are now my problems.

 

 

 _Jealousy_ was not something that had come up before when we talked upstairs, and I know right now that this is a slip on Shuuichi’s part and he’s so faded that he doesn’t even notice it. I want so badly to look back at them but I also don’t want to give away my confusion when honestly I don’t even know what the fuck he meant by that.

 

 

Shuuichi is _on one_ now that our conversation is pretty much done and he’s a couple feet away from me just like losing himself in a song he apparently loves. The molly is making every motion of all the glowing crowns, necklaces and bracelets around us swirl around with trails and it’s fucking awesome. I almost forget that I just want to get the fuck out of here with Komaeda already.

 

 

What happens next is seriously fucked up though. I only catch it moments before it happens, but apparently two people who absolutely hated each other were approaching us. Or Shuuichi in particular, but I get involved because hello, I’m right here, high as fuck dancing with him.

 

 

Kaede, the seemingly sweet girl who had been playing the keyboard on the table earlier, walked straight up to Shuuichi, and tried to dump a beer all over him. Before she got half way done, I pushed her cup back, making the rest of it go all over _her_. _What a fucking bitch, what the hell?_

 

 

She’s literally about to start yelling at me, when Rantaro, who had been coming from the _other_ side of the room appears at my side, with a beer of his own, and dumps it straight over her head. And now they’re both fully screaming at each other. It’s actually worse than that. _She slaps the boy_. _Hard_ , right across his face and the smack could be heard over the music even though we’re literally right next to the speaker.

 

 

They go back to screaming all kinds of horrible shit at each other and it’s apparent that some shit went down between them, like _years_ ago and ‘it’s all Shuuichi’s fault,’ but Rantaro’s not putting up with that for one second. They’re both calling each other fucking bitches at the top of their lungs, and Kaede is adding a ton of slut shaming bullshit to her side of the story. _What the fuck **is** this shit?_

 

 

Ouma and another freshman girl come over, physically pushing the offending parties apart with limited success. Shuuichi then grabs Rantaro’s hand and yanks him away and I watch them disappear down the hall while Kaede’s friend pushes her out the front door onto the porch.

 

 

Ouma goes after Shuuichi and Rantaro and I’m just like left here completely astounded at all that _shit_ that just went down. The strangest thing is that practically _no one_ around me, _most_ of whom _know everyone else_ here, seems the least bit bothered and they’re still partying like nothing just happened. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

Thankfully, Komaeda finds me in my astounded daze, and he puts his arms around me, asking me if I’m ready to check out. Fuck yeah I am.

 

 

On the way out, he explains that Rantaro and Kaede’s disdain for one another goes so far back that no one really gives a shit anymore. _Disdain?_ That was borderline _arrest_ material. And what the fuck did Shuuichi have to do with _any_ of that?

 

 

 _Whatever_. This is what I’ve been wanting for like the past fucking hour. To go home with this _gorgeous, crazy_ person. Who I can’t stop looking at or feeling so close to that I pull him down to kiss me five times on our way to the cab he had called.

 

 

I was worried _all night_ that somehow I would be going back to my dorm alone tonight for whatever reason, but that was cleared up somewhere between the first and the fourth time we made out on the lawn on our way to the street.

 

 

Our making out in the backseat of the cab on the way home is fucking _obscene_. His hands are like everywhere and he’s got me so fucking worked up by the time we get to his place that I definitely came in my fucking pants.

 

 

We stumble out of the cab and into the lobby, still like all up in each other and I am so happy that I can’t even begin to describe it. I know that everything bad that had happened today, or any other day in my life for that matter--feels so fucking far away. He’s got me fully _present_ in every moment, losing myself in his gray-green eyes and soft lips. And his god damn hips and thighs. I literally can’t keep my hands out from under his sweater or off his ass the whole way up in the elevator or along the hall to his front door.

 

 

I can’t even wait for him to open the door. I take the longest time just pressing him up against his door with our whole bodies connected, totally having lost count of how many kisses this has been.

 

 

When I pull away, I truly look at him in the light for the first time since we left Ouma’s house. He’s flushed and his hair is a right mess. His breath is ragged and his smile’s infectious. I’ve pretty much ruined his make up again…and his sweater is a wreck because of me, it’s so stretched out and some of the aesthetic holes suffered actual tearing in the madness he’s filled me with. I’m inches from his face, just drinking all of this in with such gratitude and awe of his beauty that I don’t even know how I can still _stand up_ tonight.

 

 

He’s slyly reaching over to punch in the last code and I pull him down for one last slow kiss as we literally fall back into his apartment, nearly stumbling down but somehow regaining our balance.

 

 

When the door shuts I realize that we’re _alone- **alone**_ again and all my virginal nerves come right back along with all kinds of dirty thoughts about what might happen next. Komaeda’s pulled away from me though, and he’s gone back in his closet. When he comes back, he’s fully dressed in his cute loungy things again. He’s got an oversized shirt hanging off one shoulder and a pair of fitted sweats that cuff right below his knees. _He’s so cute, what the fuck._

Ok. So this is a sleep over apparently.

 

 

It certainly takes off a lot of pressure. But at the same time I can’t help but feel _slightly_ disappointed.

 

 

He hands me a pair of sweats and I return his smirk because there’s no shirt included in this charity package. I recall how I slept here last night without a shirt so maybe he thinks I’m just like that. I’m fairly certain by now that he likes my upper body though so I start peeling off my clothes to change. He doesn’t look away, and neither do I. _This boy. God damn_.

 

 

The long sweats he’s lent me surprisingly feel nice against my skin. They’re light and soft and probably so much more expensive than anything I own. He then leads me by the hand to the sink and hands me a new toothbrush. This is like the cutest thing ever. We stand side by side, staring and blushing at each other in the mirror, brushing our teeth together for the first time.

 

 

I feel like we’re an actual couple right now and suddenly the thought of Nami enters my mind for the first time since like ten hours ago. _Fuck_. I _have_ to break up with him. Like tomorrow. For the first time though, it doesn’t feel like something fucking terrifying. It feels like something I have to do to go on with my life.

 

 

Komaeda… _Nagito_ walks into the kitchen and I follow him, making a conscious decision to remove his shirt too, because it’s unfair and I’m pouting over it. After he drinks some water, sharing with me, I push him against the counter and while looking at him intensely, I put my hands up his shirt, feeling all of his soft and bony frame as I make my way upwards.

 

 

He’s smirking at me with a beautiful glow in his eyes, head tilted adorably. I lightly run my fingers over his pierced nipples in my advances, and he does this amazing thing with his face that makes me want him even more. When I get to his shoulders, I smile at him before slowly lifting it over his head, continuing my traveling fingers lightly down his arms until the shirt drops completely off of him onto the counter behind him.

 

 

I can’t help it. He’s too gorgeous. I place my lips against his neck, right below his ear and lick and suck my way down slowly until I get to those piercings. I push my thumbs into the curve of his hips under his sweats, moving them firmly in a circle while pressing my lips over his piercing and sucking while running my tongue along all of it. The metal ring under my tongue is just…too much. He’s so hot, I can’t stand it. And he’s making these hitching breathy moans that are getting me _so hard_.

 

 

But then he pushes me away…gently, with a sincere look on his face.

 

“I’m sorry…” he says after a few moments of looking at me deeply…his makeup is smeared and his hair is still a mess and I love it more than I can explain…it’s just so much evidence of what I’ve done to him.

 

 

The molly is making his eyes so piercing and euphoric that I can feel his love so deeply. I hadn’t forgotten his confession…it just makes my heart still inexplicably feel like it’s in a vice that I have no control over.

 

 

I tilt my head, returning his gaze; depth meeting a warm abyss of depth. Whatever it is making him do this, it’s accutely affecting me. There’s no way I’ll look away until he speaks to me. But we’re both lost in this moment that honestly feels so bizarrely painful. That thing inside me that I can’t understand is ricocheting around my mind making me want to cry again. I can literally feel the hot tears welling up, and I can tell that this time, it’s happening to him too.

 

 

As several tears spill down his face, he reaches up to grip his hair on either side of his head and I can tell that he’s feeling crazy. He shuts his eyes tightly and finally goes on, _“can I just hold you right now?”_

 

 

His question is so emotionally loaded and quietly raspy. I can’t deny this request, I don’t even want to. He’s breaking my heart right now and all I want to do is whatever he wants and needs from me. He’s done so fucking much for me and it’s not even that. It’s that he’s so incredibly _dear_ to me now. This night has changed my life forever. We’re finally connected and I never want to separate.

 

 

He shuts off all the lights with a remote and takes my hand to lead me to the bed. I’m secretly too excited that he didn’t throw his shirt back on. It just slipped from the counter to the floor after he moved away from it and it’s been left like that behind us.

 

 

He lowers himself after throwing the duvet open and I follow him, sliding in next to him. The bedding is so soft and cool against my bare skin, and it all smells so much like him that I feel the beautiful sea that is _Komaeda_ _Nagito_ wrapping all around me. We’re lying facing each other and I’m like drowning in this ocean as he takes me into his arms. Our lips meet immediately as our arms find their way around each other.

 

 

This particular kiss is like a sweet goodnight and ‘I love you’ all in one. That feeling of being truly precious is washing all over my mind making me feel like I’m actually melting. Like my body feels so tingly and I’m physically falling apart in this beautiful way. I know this is the come down from molly and it’s fucking beautiful.

 

 

We stay like this for so long, just softly exploring each other’s lips with intense softness with no biting or sexually depraved tongues finding their way into this beautiful kiss. I can feel his lips and tongue literally making love to my mouth as his hands gently trail down my back. When his hands make their way back up with painfully obvious _tenderness_ , I feel him run his fingers up into my hair behind my ear.

 

 

His whole hand is holding me so gently there. He’s so good, I just can’t. All of the emotions are drowning me and I never want to save myself from this thing that’s happened between us. This thing that is _happening_ right now. I just want this forever and I press my whole body against his. Not to pressure him, but just to be even closer to him right now.

 

 

Without any thoughts but just the feelings he’s giving to me, I run my hand up his side and into his hair as well. Even though it’s half way back to its usual insanity, it’s still so impossibly soft. Something about him straightening his hair had made it feel so smooth between my fingers. _Who is this beautiful fucking **angel** in my arms?_

After almost ten minutes of all of this crazy melting into each other, he pulls away smiling. And then he pulls himself closer again, kissing all over my entire face like he’ll never see me again. It’s not needy, it’s just so intensely loving. I don’t even deserve any of this. I don’t understand how he cares about me this much. We only met a few days ago.

 

 

 _We’re not officially dating yet, are we?_ I kind of deflected his asking about this earlier with telling him I _really like_ him over and over _…so is this all something he does to anyone he just hooks up with then?_ These thoughts make me hold him closer and moan against his cheek as he’s kissing my jaw.

 

 

It doesn’t really matter at all though. Everything going on…everything that has happened tonight begs otherwise. I vividly remember him telling me his real name and that he loves me more than I can possibly know in _one_ statement with my hands _so preciously_ held in his. And these kisses are saying the same fucking thing. _All over my face. All over my neck. So gently across my eyelids and every part of my hairline._ And his soft whispers of, _“Hinata-kun”_ between every press of his lips is some kind of prayer to my ears _. To my fucking soul_.

 

 

Komaeda is going nuts I realize. I don’t even know how he can do this or really have imagined kissing me thousands of times as he said earlier…in just a few short days since we met. It’s so fucking flattering to be honest. But this is more than flattering or ego feeding…this genuinely feels like _love_ and he’s making me so weak in his arms.

 

 

After he’s covered every inch of my skin he can reach above my shoulders, he nestles himself down in my arms with one of his lazily around my waist. His other arm is fully wrapped around my neck underneath me with his hand still in my hair. But his fingers have stopped pressing against my scalp and his soft breathing against my bare chest tells me he’s fallen asleep wrapped around me. Our legs had wrapped around each other during that kiss that nearly made me pass out from the emotional rush that made my whole body vibrate internally.

 

 

I move his soft white hair away from his face, trying to see him as much as possible from where I’m lying on his pillows. He’s so fucking beautiful. I’ll never get over this. Just meeting him by chance and having all of this happen so quickly. He’s blown my mind wide open with the depth of his feelings and everything he’s done to me and shown me. I had no idea that this level of affection and lust was even possible. Nothing else but this will ever be good enough for me for the rest of my life. Nothing else can satisfy me now with what he’s blessed me with tonight.

 

 

Fully wrapped around Komaeda, and Komaeda fully wrapped around me, I fall asleep thinking that this is so completely _perfect_.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gosh, can you feel all the mysteries yet?
> 
> can you feel how deeply komaeda really loves hajime?
> 
> and can you see how hajime's whole world is changing because of komaeda?
> 
> i really didn't mean to scare people away with my beginning note to this chapter, it's just that i don't want people to be outraged when they find out how messed up everyone and everything is underneath it all.
> 
> and i really want those who are interested to find out how deep everything goes and see how all five of these boys develop until the end of the story. i know there will be readers like this, and im excited to show you all of it<3


	7. separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I absently run my finger down the side of a vibrator and Shuuichi immediately pulls my hand away telling me that I’m not ready for that. And he has no qualms at all about saying that he’s sure “Akise has like twelve of those in his apartment.” _Out loud. In front of the shady clerk guy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update finally <3
> 
> x hope you like it x

 

 

 

I wake up all groggy and burying my face in the pillow to block out the sunlight. As soon as Komaeda’s scent hits me from the pillow I remember last night and physically jolt in Komaeda’s bed. Opening my eyes almost tentatively, I see Komaeda next to me…oh god, his leg is over me too what the hell.

 

 

 _Holy shit_. Komaeda looks so fucking beautiful. This is the first time I’ve woken up before him. The first time I’ve seen what he looks like asleep. His makeup is all smeared and his hair is just not giving a fuck about the whole straightening thing. Even so, he looks serene. _Angelic_.

 

 

Brushing his bangs back, I lean forward to kiss his forehead. It’s warm and smooth under my lips.

 

 

“I dreamed about you again.” I whisper, smiling against his skin there.

 

 

Slowly I disentangle myself, sliding out of the blanket. He makes a really cute sleepy noise…not like a moan but almost like he’s sleep talking nonsensically before passing out again. _Oh my god. So cute_.

 

 

I stand there for probably way too long, staring down at him. He’s so tall. Komaeda’s feet are sticking out from under the blanket and I can see that his toes are painted the exact same color as his nails…but somehow with more glitter. It reminds me about dancing with him while the glitter was falling all over that living room last night. _Fuck. Why are you so gorgeous?_

 

 

Finally tearing my eyes away a full seventeen minutes later, I grab my new toothbrush and go to the back bathroom. There’s a fucking note on the counter with a new razor and some expensive ass looking shaving cream. God. He probably went out and bought it. Komaeda doesn’t even have to shave.

 

 

There’s a note there, it’s too polite. I feel like somehow he knows me way better than I know him.

 

 

The walls on one side of the room are stone, and the wall opposite the sink is wood. It looks like stained wooden boards from floor to ceiling…looking at it in the reflection behind me while I’m shaving, I notice there are two doors in the wooden wall.

 

 

Turning around I open the one on the left. It’s a fucking sauna. Opening the other door, it’s a shower. Well, it’s a shower _room_. _How rich **is** Komaeda anyway?_

There’s a stack of ridiculously fluffy towels, sitting on a shelf next to the shower. The room has a giant fucking skylight above it…and there are plants everywhere _. It’s so pretty..._

 

 

I decide to shower here instead of using the shower that’s open to where he’s sleeping…I don’t want him to wake up just yet. I want to make _him_ breakfast for once.

 

 

The hot water is going straight from my face to my feet, running down the tiled floor into the drain. Again, the showerhead is blessedly high up so I don’t have to duck under it like at home.

 

 

I lean against the tile wall under the water and think about this last dream I had. It was a lot like the first one…just a bundle of feelings towards this psychedelically beautiful kid with his endless laughter echoing in my mind.

 

 

We were on a beach this time. So the echoes of his laughter were mixing in with the sound of crashing waves. We were talking too, but it was so blurry. There was this weird sense in the back of my mind that this was…the first day we were on this beach? This island? It wasn’t clear. But I felt like I had just met someone incredible.

 

 

How true it is even now…this boy who goes by Akise around everyone else. He’s intriguing and _so fucking hot_ I just can’t.

 

 

In the dream, we had spent all day together even though we just met…that’s one of the few things that didn’t seem so obscured by how surreal the rest of the dream was.

 

 

I still can’t understand why I keep dreaming of such a young Komaeda…of a younger version of him. But Komaeda was absolutely beautiful in the dream…wind blowing his hair everywhere as he skipped backwards while I followed him at the water’s edge, feeling nervous as hell.

 

 

We stopped at one point…the sun was setting next to us across the water and everything was glowing, the reflection on the sea of the sky above…it was stretching over us, a gradient from yellow to violet. And he had stopped laughing…while I faced him there as the water ran back and forth over our feet…there was a silence between us and I never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I wanted to in that moment.

 

 

I even think about it in the context of last night on the couch before we kissed and the feelings were so similar it scared me. Did Komaeda have me this worked up after only one day? Everything felt so similar…

 

 

In my dream he looked so beautiful…one side of his face was illuminated brightly in the sunlight making his skin look almost translucent…and the other side of his face was being bathed in the magenta tone of the darkening sky. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful in my life.

 

 

Standing there in the sand in front of him, after that long silence, I quietly said something to him. He smiled, tilting his head so that his whole face and neck were brightly illuminated by the golden sunlight glinting off the waves.

 

 

He reached up and ran his thumb over my lip. Everything broke in me at that moment. It was unprecedented. We had only met that morning for fuck’s sake…and yet it was Komaeda who made a decision in that moment.

 

 

He grabbed my tie and kissed me right there. The boy’s lips were _soft_. And welcoming. And I found that they were _knowing_. Expertly leading me along a gorgeous ride of surging lust and emotion.

 

 

It wasn’t long until I was sloppily trying to keep up with Komaeda’s roaming tongue and soft bites. Komaeda pulled back to laugh at me a bit. But it wasn’t hurtful. Just like…yeah, a _little_ patronizing.

 

 

This was my ‘first kiss’…back there.

 

 

We both had clothes on for the first time since I started dreaming about him…I looked like a complete dork, like a bible guy that shows up on a bike to sell you shit in a white short sleeved shirt with that _ugly tie_ again.

 

 

Komaeda…ugh like always, he looked so much cooler than me. It makes me laugh in the shower. He had this long green coat and a white shirt that hung loosely below his neck, probably falling off his shoulder somewhere under that coat…and tight black jeans like the ones he was wearing last night, on that bathroom floor…holding me there between his long legs.

 

 

I’m gonna have to end up jacking off in the shower.

 

 

The last part of the dream was lying in the warm sand next to him after the sun went down. The waves were still crashing somewhere behind us… our conversation is not something I can recall anymore. I could tell that we were talking and that Komaeda was flirting with me…but there was a sense of that having gone on all day as well.

 

 

It reflects my recent experience almost too well, except in the dream no lines had been crossed, it was all innocent butterflies and blushing in every moment.

 

 

Komaeda rolled towards me in the sand and I did the same to face him. He was looking down drawing circles in the sand between us. Just like that first night camping…except in the dream, when he laughed and pushed me back, leaning all the way over me, he whispered something …totally different… in my ear.

 

 

_“I want to blow you.”_

 

 

Yeah. I’m coming all over the shower wall right now. _Fuck_.

 

 

He hasn’t even said that to me in real life. _Ugh_. Of course I don’t remember what happened after that in the dream and it’s kind of fucking with my head as I dry off and get dressed. I think I need to start keeping a journal of these things…

 

 

Luckily Komaeda is still sleeping. He had actually pulled the duvet into a bundle in his arms and between his legs with his face buried in it. That was me last night. _Oh my god_.

 

 

 _What the hell. This boy. He’s fucking adorable_.

 

 

Again it takes me actual minutes to peel my eyes away to do what I wanted to since I first woke up. Make _him_ breakfast for once.

 

 

Komaeda has like nothing but raw ingredients in his whole kitchen. _How does he live like this?_ I can’t even imagine the effort he puts into cooking.

 

 

Luckily I came here from living in the middle of fucking nowhere on a farm no less. I already know how to make pancakes and berry syrup so I get started on that.

 

 

While I’m boiling the berries I found in Komaeda’s fridge, I’m half  thinking about the giant berry bushes that were in my backyard back home and half trying to google a few things on my phone. Mainly ‘traits of albinos’ and ‘jimson weed side effects.’

 

 

 _Holy shit_. I found an article about a group of junior high kids who smoked jimson weed and they ended up walking all over downtown, hallucinating. One girl was bent over near a parked car talking to an empty seat through the window. _Jesus christ_ , Komaeda.

 

 

I’m mentally wtf’ing at this article so hard that I didn’t notice a shirtless Komaeda come up behind me until he started gripping my hips while sleepily kissing the back of my neck. I dropped the spoon, and hot sticky _purple_ syrup splashed all over my feet making me yelp.

 

 

For real, I have to stop yelping so much in front of Komaeda.

 

 

He just laughs and leaves me there to cross to the other side of the room where he gets in the shower. I can only see him from the waist up because of that half wall, but god damn. I keep peeking around the corner at him between cooking and I almost burn the pancakes.

 

 

I squeeze some orange juice for us and I can’t help but notice that there’s just like a huge bag of oranges here, like way more than Komaeda would be able to get through on his own. It’s like the shaving cream…he’s thinking about me so much.

 

 

I have no idea what kind of tea to make him, he’s got like twenty different kinds. I pick one randomly. Green tea. Everybody likes green tea, right?

 

 

Komaeda comes back, saying it all smells so good. His hair is damp and he’s got a towel loosely hanging around his neck with his cute soft ‘i'm not going out today’ clothes on again. Bare feet and bare lashes. I never get tired of how fucking beautiful he is.

 

 

His eyes are smiling at me, they’re such a pale washed out green in the morning light. I very nearly forget to shut off the stove.

 

 

He starts serving himself and it’s such a tiny portion that I want to tell him to eat more but I don’t say anything.

 

 

At the table he tells me the tea is perfect and that everything tastes really good even though he barely touches the orange juice. I end up drinking the rest of it after he passes it to me while we’re eating.

 

 

He asks me how I slept and after telling him it was great, I ask him the same question. He actually blushes a bit, staring straight down at his plate while saying, “It was so nice to cuddle you.”

 

 

I almost spit out my drink and instead end up having a coughing fit. He’s just laughing at me, handing me a serviette to choke-cough into.  When I recover my face is red from both blushing _and_ coughing my lungs up in the middle of breakfast.

 

 

His smile is infectious and I know that we’re both stupidly happy about last night. It’s embarrassing to bring up though, so we end up just talking about every other thing imaginable all morning.

 

 

At one point we’re outside sitting completely surrounded by his plants and he’s explaining what they all are when we have this moment while looking at each other.

 

 

Everything was getting super euphoric and it felt like I was melting. Like his eyes were so deep and everything between us was fucking beautiful.

 

 

He brought his forehead close to mine telling me that this usually happens the next day. All the neural pathways that were popping off last night were still faintly connected even though we’re sober. Jesus christ. _Amazing_.

 

 

After about ten minutes the feeling started to fade for both of us and we finished our joint and went back inside to watch a movie on that projector he had in the living room. It was brilliant, the whole wall was so much better than an actual television.

 

 

We honestly both fell asleep in a bodily tangle on the couch. He had somehow coaxed me into lying back with him curled against my chest. We started the movie with two cigarettes and a giant bloody mary, and it ended with him drooling on my chest and me jerking awake because the credits were super loud.

 

 

Komaeda started waking up on my chest, looking up at me while rubbing his eyes… _he looks so adorable_.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” He says, yawning.

 

 

Once he realizes it’s really me a few seconds later, he gives me that smile that I’m already recognizing as the _‘I want you’_ smile. It makes me bite my lower lip and he sits up to mess around with the laptop connected to the projector. He picks a music playlist that straight up windows 98 style projects onto the wall in a psychedelic stream of shapes and colors.

 

 

 _The music is so good too?_ I kind of hate that he might have better taste than me but not really because his head is disappearing under the blanket now. _Fuck_.

 

 

_Komaeda Nagito is about to blow me._

 

 

I should sincerely say something to the effect of, “You don’t have to do that, Komaeda.” But I’m just selfishly gripping his hair and letting him unbutton my jeans.

 

 

He’s doing all of this under the blanket and I pull it up over my head so I can see him. We’re in this soft yellow light from the afternoon sun piercing through the thin blanket.

 

 

When he looks up at me, he’s smiling and it makes me bite my lip. He’s unzipping me now for the second time since last night. He doesn’t look away like he’s waiting for me to stop him except I can’t. I won’t.

 

 

I’m so hard already…when he pulls my dick out of my boxers, he looks down, away from my eyes for the first time. And then he just starts blowing me. No pretense, just full on fucking great head.

 

 

And _oh my god_. I don’t have anything to compare it to, but he’s blowing my fucking mind. I can’t stop watching him take my dick into his mouth over and over…that on top of the way it feels. _Fuck. I’m gonna come so fast. What is wrong with me?_

 

 

Without warning, he takes me all the way down his throat and tenses up around the head of my dick.

 

 

 _So good_...

 

 

Before I can even register this properly, he’s moving back and forth doing it again and again. _I’m screwed_. I scream his name and start coming down his throat without being able to warn him at all.

 

 

 _“Shit.”_ I pull out immediately because I didn’t even ask him if I could just do that… “I’m sorry, are you ok?” I ask him awkwardly while trying to catch the rest of my come in my hand.

 

 

The look in his eyes is dark when he looks up. He’s licking his lips and he gently pulls my hand away from my dick. I watch him, losing my mind as he’s licking all of it off my hand and off my dick. He’s swallowing all of it. **_Fuck_**.

 

 

 _“Isn’t that gross?”_ the question squeaks out of my mouth even though I think it’s so fucking hot at the same time.

 

 

He slides up my body to lie on my chest and takes my hand in his.

 

 

“I like the way you taste…” He says, holding my hand up to his lips. “Is that weird?”

 

 

 _Why are you asking me that?_ I have no idea what to say so I just hug him tighter, feeling awkward because my dick is still just like hanging out under the blanket. He smirks up at me and sits up, letting the blanket fall down around him. He watches everything as I put my dick away and zip my pants back up.

 

 

Is this the part of our relationship where I call him a pervert and then he calls me one and we just keep calling each other perverts all day? _Probably not_.

 

 

He’s already on the phone ordering food when I belatedly realize that I haven’t done anything for him yet. _I haven’t made him come yet_. I haven’t even seen his dick.

 

 

He’s throwing my shirt at me, interrupting my thoughts and the next thing I know, we’re laughing and holding on to each other trying to balance as we both slip our shoes on by the door. The restaurant is only a few blocks away and we’re both leaving the apartment for the first time since last night. The sun has already started going down.

 

 

It still feels really warm and balmy outside. But there’s a breeze that feels good and is also making Komaeda’s loose shirt flutter against him. I want to hold his hand but…we’re outside, on a busy street. It’s probably not ok, is it?

 

 

He’s still smiling at me and telling me that he hopes I like what he ordered. It feels like a fucking date. But we’re just picking up boxes of food and going right back…and I don’t have the guts to reach out and hold his hand. I can’t stop staring at him, everything else is just a blur of lights and noises.

 

 

When the elevator door closes in the lobby of his building on our way back, my self control begins to crack. I grab his hand and spin him so his back is against the wall. He drops the bag of food when I press my body into him.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” He asks softly, leaning down towards me. I duck out of his kiss and just stand there leaning on his shoulder, facing the corner of the elevator. It doesn’t help that the fucking elevator is completely lined with mirrors though. I try to hide my face in his shoulder, unable to look at my reflection.

 

 

I can feel him put his arms around me as he turns to press his lips against my hair at the back of my head. I’m such a loser when I whisper that I should have held his hand back there. Of course this makes him laugh at me.

 

 

His laugh is gentle this time though. He leans down and whispers that what I just said was the sweetest shit he’s ever heard.

 

 

For someone who doesn’t swear very much, it rolls off Komaeda’s tongue so naturally and I press into him even more wondering if it’s doing anything to mask how much he made me shiver by saying that.

 

 

About it being ‘the sweetest thing he’s ever heard’….He’s probably not lying. How sad is that?

 

 

I start to wonder who this boy is as I back away and he’s picking up the bag while the elevator is opening on his floor. I follow behind him thinking about what kind of life he might have had. I really don’t know too much about him. Except that he was adopted.

 

 

Much like not asking to hold his hand just now…I can’t bring myself to ask about his past either.

 

 

After we eat and share another joint with copious shotgunning that evolved into making out on the floor by the couch, he walks me down all the way to the bus stop. We’re walking under the streetlights while cars pass us when he leans closer and says that he’s going to be really busy for the next week or so, but that he wants to see me again.

 

 

 _If I want to see **him** again_.

 

 

Of course I want to see him again…is he really that stupid?

 

 

Not giving a shit about how many people see us right now, I turn to stand in front of him and lean up to kiss him on the lips. It’s way more firm than chaste and for some perverse reason I didn’t close my eyes. It was enough to see him go wide eyed. And before I pulled away, he had closed his eyes, moaning into my mouth.

 

 

 _Komaeda_ …

 

 

I’m honestly too embarrassed to just come out and say it, so I hope kissing him like that conveys _something_ …yesterday we were high on molly and saying and doing things we’d never do sober so this whole day was experienced through a palpable veil of shyness and actively _not_ doing _every_ single thing we wanted to do to each other.

 

 

We finally exchange phone numbers and line info for the first time. How did we get this far without doing this yet?

 

 

On the bus ride home I absently think about how I haven’t told Komaeda about any of my dreams. The thought of doing so seems so…yeah I’d be super embarrassed if I did that. Komaeda would laugh at me for sure.

 

 

Giving Komaeda my contact info was apparently the first time I had opened my phone in over a day. Looking at it now, there were several missed messages from Manami. _Of course_.

 

 

Manami was back home now and he didn’t know anything about any of this.

 

 

He wanted me to come over tonight to give me a souvenir he had gotten. And to ask me about my camping trip with his friends.

 

 

I think I facepalmed at myself the entire way home, on the bus and even walking the rest of the way after that. Right into my dorm room.

 

 

_I have to break up with him._

 

 

Instead of thinking up some kind of legitimate plan, I just pass out for a two hour nap without replying to his messages.

 

 

And then, with nothing but a mess of emotions and apprehensions I find myself showing up at Manami’s parent’s house after napping straight through dinner time. Well the time of day that normal people eat dinner, like Manami and his parents.

 

 

He’s so disgustingly happy to see me. God I am such a dick.

 

 

We walk upstairs to his room while he’s excitedly talking about his vacation…they went to disney world? Who takes their nineteen year old son to disney world?

 

 

However this was the first time I had been in Manami’s bedroom at his parent’s house. Most of the time we hung out in his dorm room in the building next to the one I live in. It all made sense once he opened the door.

 

 

The kid had disney shit everywhere. I had to remind myself that Manami was in fact a functioning adult at seeing this. He’s doing this twirl into a bow thing in front of me and despite everything, Nami is still so cute to me. But it’s hard because Nami doesn’t want to be seen that way. He wants to be valued for who he is inside and not physical stuff. Like how adorable he looks right now.

 

 

At any rate, all of this is inconsequential now. I definitely cheated and need to break up with this boy immediately.

 

 

Except he’s smiling so much at me. And everything he’s talking about is a blur, but it’s obvious that he’s just had an amazing time and wants to tell me every last detail. So I pretend to listen while my anxiety goes through the roof.

 

 

 _“Hinata?”_ Manami’s looking up at me after moving closer because I didn’t reply after he asked me something… _“How was the road trip?”_

 

 

My eyes went wide at the question I had somehow totally missed the first time and even though I was super intent on saying something, even practicing a lousy version of what I’d say in my mind…

 

 

“I feel sick, I need to go home.” I say, totally lying. Mostly. I did feel very sick even though it’s just because I’m a total bastard.

 

 

I have to wave him off several times on my way out of the house because he was offering to ‘take care’ of me, and that I could stay there until I felt better. Everything I’m saying right now is a complete falsity and I feel like I’m suffocating until I’m finally alone outside after telling him I’d make it back just fine without his help.

 

 

All I can think about on the walk back to my dorm room is that I’m such a piece of shit. I could have said it. I could have ruined everything he was feeling tonight. But I couldn’t do that. He looked so happy. When I was sitting next to him on his bed just now all I could think about was how I didn’t want to ruin that for him.

 

 

Manami had always been so good to me. I wasn’t unhappy with him. Not at all. It was just that meeting Komaeda did something to me. Something irreversible. I never wanted someone else so much in my life. I didn’t know I could feel this way. And it’s still blowing my mind that I could do a complete 180 in a just a few days.

 

 

 _Next time_.

 

 

Next time I’ll break up with him.

 

 

Except the next week as school starts, I just blow off every text from him about wanting to hang out. I keep telling Manami that I feel too sick to meet up. It’s not like that’s a complete lie.

 

 

The funny part is that Komaeda isn’t responding to my texts at all.

 

 

I even tried calling a couple times. Both of the calls went straight to voice mail and I hung up instead of leaving messages.

 

 

It’s such a shitty start of the trimester.

 

 

Time gets dragged out and crushed down like every time school starts again. My workload is pretty heavy this year…I’ll be a junior at the end of this trimester.

 

 

I ask myself at least ten times a day why I decided to be a physics major. The lectures are incredibly boring and the homework can kiss my ass.

 

 

I usually meet Ibuki and Souda for lunch between classes. I became pretty good friends with Souda since starting school here and Ibuki…well Mioda Ibuki was my childhood friend. Like we took baths together back in the day. And she knows every single embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.

 

 

When we’d start meeting up like this, Shuuichi started joining us whenever he was free. I never had to eat lunch alone during the week. I should feel grateful.

 

 

I’m obviously cranky and while I can tell Ibuki and Souda that it’s just that school sucks…Shuuichi doesn’t seem convinced. And he’s right. I want to know what the fuck is going on with Komaeda.

 

 

But I can’t just say that in front of the others. I haven’t even broken up with my boyfriend yet.

 

 

One day a week it’s just me and Shuuichi. Souda has a lab and Ibuki has band practice so they can’t meet up with us. So Shuuichi finally asks me what the hell is wrong with me. And I tell him.

 

 

Shuuichi is just laughing at me.

 

 

“Why are you laughing?”

 

 

“He said he was going to be really busy, didn’t he?”

 

 

“Yeah, I gue--”

 

 

“HAJIME. HE WENT DOWN ON YOU?!” This is it. This is the thing that has all of Shuuichi’s attention out of everything I just said. Suddenly my eyes feel very dry and I’m rubbing them while my face is probably going scarlet.

 

 

“Don’t be embarrassed, this is good news.” Shuuichi is still full on making fun of me right now. I could see him under my hand that was over my eyes. He had moved closer and lowered his voice, speaking right next to my ear, “You _definitely_ have to break up with Manami now.”

 

 

I sighed so hard. _Dude. I know that_.

 

 

Shuuichi is still grinning at me though so I decide to give him even more reasons to make fun of me by holding my banana up between our faces and asking him _how is it supposed to feel good when something this big is inside of you?_

 

 

Shuuichi was having an even bigger laughing fit than before. After straightening himself out and failing to stop giggling about four times,  he looked at me quite seriously and said, “It feels fucking amazing, Hajime.”

 

 

 _Shit_.

 

 

Like, I kind of figured. Why would anyone even do that at all if it didn’t feel good? But. It’s obvious that the person topping is going to feel good. However, I was never convinced about the boy on the other end of it. Shuuichi was definitely that boy on the other end of it…On the other end of Rantaro I guess. And he was saying it was ‘ _fucking_ _amazing_.’

 

 

Before we get up to go to our separate classes, Shuuichi asks if I want to hang out after school. I could use a distraction from my fucked up feelings about Komaeda being so distant so I say sure and he says he’ll swing by my dorm later today.

 

 

When he shows up, he comes in and tosses his books onto my bed, sitting down next to them and slings his carrier bag around his shoulder into his lap. Opening a pocket on the front, he pulls out one of those water proof weed containers. I guess they’re doubly effective at blocking the smell too because the joint he pulls out smells dank as fuck. I grab my towel and roll it up, snugly tucking it as far as it’ll go under my door. We’ve done this a few times since coming back to school, and that was the first thing I learned. No one really gives a shit as long as the smoke doesn’t drift out into the hallway.

 

 

When I turn around, Shuuichi’s pausing there with the lighter in one hand and the joint in the other.

 

 

“Uh. Do you want to hotbox your closet or sit by the window?”

 

 

I’m depressed as hell so I opt for hotboxing the closet to which Shuuichi gives me a tired smile and says, “Thank god, I literally hate school right now.”

 

 

I shove my pathetically small amount of clothing to one side, hanging a flash light on the bar and we climb in to sit facing each other on opposite sides of my tiny dorm closet. It smells like wood oil and dust in here. Shuuichi is short enough to comfortably stretch his legs along the floor, but my feet are touching the other side next to him making my knees bend a bit.

 

 

He slides the door shut and lights the joint. He takes a couple huge drags, then an uncharacteristic third one before ashing in an empty blue lamb can he left in here last time before passing it to me. The closet is like, already _full_ of smoke at this point. Hitting the joint that’s already half done from his insanely huge drags, I try not to think about all the shotgunning I’ve done with Komaeda but I’m failing miserably and I miss him. Simply trying to distract myself, I ask Shuuichi what’s going on with school to fuck him up like this, my voice deep and stony from holding the drag for as long as possible.

 

 

“I just like, _really_ hate general ed classes. This one teacher is failing everyone because he’s a fucking dick. This shit could be taught by a third grader and he’s like the worst lecturer of all time.” He pauses to take another huge hit, blowing it out while going on, “There’s like 400 students in one stuffy ass auditorium and it’s always way too hot in there, 90% of us fall asleep every god damn time, and the guy just _inaudibly_ drones on and on.”

 

 

I take the joint from him, continuing to listen to him vent, barely able to see because my eyes are watering so much from the all the smoke around us. I’m getting high as fuck though and it feels great. I literally wouldn’t have access to weed if it weren’t for Souda and Shuuichi blessedly like smoking me out almost every day, and I’m silently thanking the genderqueer weed deities for them right now.

 

 

“So like, with that many students, it’s impossible to get in and out of there quickly, so I’m always late to my next class and the motherfucker fucking locks the door right at the beginning while there’s still a line of people trying to get in. _Then_ he waits for everyone to sit down and shut up before even starting. One time he waited for thirty minutes without any explanation and it’s taken us this long to figure out that he won’t talk unless it’s silent even though he mumbles the whole fucking time.”

 

 

I’m legit feeling sorry for him now, no wonder everyone is failing. He starts to say that the asshole especially likes to put shit on quizzes that would have otherwise been covered if people would just shut the fuck up, but then Shuuichi shakes his head in frustration saying he needs to chill out already. He looks at me with bloodshot eyes saying he needs to smoke another joint and even though my ass is going numb from the hard floor and I’m probably too high already, I don’t argue with him.

 

 

Shuuichi is talkative as hell when he’s high and he goes on to say, “I’m a fucking art major I don’t need this shit.” I had already found this kind of surprising given how smart he was so I ask him about it.

 

 

“I thought you’d be a criminal justice major or some shit after we watched all those shows where you figured out every single thing before they were even half way over.” We had watched a bunch the other night, the last time we were stoned out of our minds in my room, and it’s not like he didn’t like that shit or we wouldn’t have been watching a mystery marathon we had randomly found. Or maybe we would have…we were pretty fucking high.

 

 

He kind of deadpans at me before laughing and blowing smoke all over the closet. He puts up a finger after handing me the joint, “One, Hajime you really need to get a bong or at least a pipe, this shit is ridiculous.” Now I’m laughing too. Our legs have more than a few broken ashes on them from the end of the joint breaking off about ten times before we could reach the can.

 

 

He throws up the second finger, “Two, I’m a fucking queer psychedelic drug obsessed pothead. Why the _fuck_ would I ever want to be a cop?” I end up sputtering my drag coughing and laughing at what he just said.

 

 

“True. Cops are scum aren’t they?” I never would have said such a thing in a million years until coming to live in the city where too many things had come into my tiny sphere of knowledge, pointing to exactly that conclusion.

 

 

“Right? Fuck ‘em, they can all die in a fire.” Shuuichi says and that’s maybe…a little too violent for me to say personally. He holds in his next drag while continuing in a deepened voice, “All they do is serve violence and protect _corporate_ property; it has nothing to do with _actual_ people.”

 

 

I quickly ask him what it’s like in the art department before he can go on an evangelizing anti-fascist rant because it’s literally at the tip of his tongue at any given time with this boy.

 

 

“Oh yeah, they’re chill as fuck. Where do you think I get my weed from?” He’s laughing now and telling me about a nudist friend in his painting class named Angie and how she has a fat stash on her at all times. It’s probably going to take me until the end of my degree to make a solid connection like that.

 

 

The thought brings me right back to Komaeda though, who apparently could get anything from weed to opium albeit _secretly_. Komaeda, whose dick sucking skills made me fucking see stars and believe in angels. Now it’s my turn to shake my head and tell myself that _I_ need to chill the fuck out.

 

 

Shuuichi bizarrely becomes even more perceptive when he’s high and he opens the closet door, swinging his legs out telling me that we’re going for a walk.

 

 

I have to stretch my whole body when I stand up after sitting in my closet with him the last half hour. He’s bending over under my bed trying to pick up my 20 lb weight asking me how the hell I lift this thing. I’m not gonna demo it, I’m kind of embarrassed and he’s laughing at me. The main reason I’m embarrassed though is because I keep thinking about building up in order to fuck Komaeda against a wall someday. Pure fantasy and juvenile as hell, I know.

 

 

After struggling with the weight for a bit without me laughing he gives me a look like I’m literally no fun and I can’t argue with that at all.  Shuuichi just smiles again asking me if I have a shopping bag. A what? _Oh_. In the city you have to bring your own bag shopping because they’re _‘environmentally conscious’_ ie. profiting off all the losers who forget to bring a bag, myself included. He says ok, laughing at me for some reason and I chalk it up to him finally being high enough to get over his philosophy class from hell.

 

 

After we exit the dorm, we make a bee-line for the nearest convenience store to get a couple of giant slushies because we’ve got epic dry mouth after smoking so much. He gets a blue raspberry one and I go for mystery flavor because it’s so fucking good and no one has any idea what’s in it. _Shit_. It’s the same color as Komaeda’s hair, isn’t it? He’s probably the biggest mystery in my life too. I want to laugh but I already know it’d sound really hollow, so I don’t.

 

 

Shuuichi straight up jacks a pint of _something_ while I’m paying at the register. I quickly ask the dude if he has those spicy lime chips to distract him from what I can totally tell Shuuichi is doing in the liquor aisle. The guy helps me grab them and I’m thinking _jesus_ Hajime what a _terrible_ munchie choice but whatever.

 

 

At the counter again I see the cigs that Komaeda smokes behind the clerk and I impulsively ask him for a pack. This fucker doesn’t even card me. I’m only nineteen, what the hell. Maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck.

 

 

When we get around the corner, Shuuichi stops me and we split the pint into our respective slushies, poorly mixing them with these flimsy ass straws. Not gonna lie, the first few sips are _harsh as fuck_ , but then we get used to it and several blocks later I’ve got a nice buzz going on. It’s just starting to get dark as we’re entering all the bright lights of the shopping district.

 

 

He says it’s about ten more minutes till we get there, so we share one of the cigs. I had never seen Shuuichi smoke a cigarette before, so it was hilarious watching him cough for once. No matter how much weed I had ever seen him hit in one sitting, I never saw him cough. Even when he cleared Souda’s four footer at a party once.

 

 

I ask him where we’re going and he tells me way too coyly that it’s a _secret_. After a few blocks, our giant deathly alcoholic slushies fully imbibed, he stops abruptly in front of this shop with blacked out windows and a neon pink sign hanging above the door. Oh. My. _God_.

 

 

 _“Are you fucking kidding me?”_ I squeak at him while he’s opening the door and winking, sticking his fucking blue raspberry stained tongue out at me.

 

 

“It’s your _lucky day_ , Hajime! They’re having a huge **_b l o w - o u t_** sale!” He says way too cheerfully while simultaneously smacking the middle of my back making me stumble right into the fucking sex shop.

 

 

“Irashigh!” The clerk welcomes us with emphasis on the ‘high’ part, and it’s not just my imagination. This _grown_ _adult_ is a straight up stoner. But like the lifetime achievement variety, the kind of guy who probably says shit like ‘what’s up _my dudes?_ ’ The kind of guy who has been wearing nothing but Hawaiian shirts since he was my age, which let’s face it, was a _while_ ago.

 

 

 _And what the hell_ ; why has Shuuichi brought me to this _sin hole_. There’s literally shelf upon shelf of dirty _dirty_ things, half of which I don’t even recognize. There’s even a whole S &M section that looks brutal as fuck…and there’s all kinds of ‘ _costumes’_ for women right next to that. I don’t know, maybe guys could rock that shit too, but I’ve never seen it so I have no idea. There’s an utter plethora of sex toys made of all kinds of materials, inanimate and electronic.

 

 

I literally am completely out of my element. But Shuuichi. He’s fine. This isn’t even remotely embarrassing for him. And he fucking seems to know exactly where he’s going in this mess. I awkwardly stomp over to catch up with him demanding to know why he’s brought me here. This is beyond mortifying. I did not sign up for this shit.

 

 

“Oh, I thought you were inquiring as to the logistics of something like this,” He picks up an overly large dildo from the shelf in front of him, “pounding into here--” I grab it and stop him before he can put it behind him. The demon is already bent over in the aisle, back arched and looking back with his blue lips grinning at me.

 

 

I know it’s ridiculous but I’m really good at embarrassing myself so instinctively without any regard to thinking my actions through, I start shaking the giant pink penile rubber thingy at him incoherently trying to say what the fuck and why are we here at the same time, but all that comes out is, “what are the fucks!”

 

 

“Excuse me?” he’s utterly feigning innocence now, “Oh. _Ohh_. Well there are _many_ ways to fuck and _get fucked_ , Hajime.” He says in what is clearly above a respectful ‘indoor voice,’ standing to face me.

 

 

Now I truly know exactly what is meant when people use the term _‘shit-eating grin,’_ that’s exactly what Shuuichi has going on right now. And like. I’ve dropped the poor giant dick thing on the floor, watching it awkwardly bounce back and hit me in the shin while my face is turning absolutely red. Shuuichi is laughing his ass off.

 

 

_Why on earth did I think it was a good idea to ask Shuuichi how it feels to get your ass fucked? Why?_

 

 

To make matters exponentially worse, the stoner clerk chooses this particular moment to pop his head over from the next aisle right above my head saying, “You need some help, my dudes?” to which of course, Shuuichi responds with some shit about how his friend here is a ‘gay virgin’ and needs a fucking ‘power bottom starter pack.’

 

 

Shuuichi’s got his hand ‘supportively’ on my shoulder and this guy is taking him way too seriously by heading right on over to escort us around the store.

 

 

“All right bro-child,” The guy says to me, enunciating exactly like I’d expect, and he smells like weed walking in front of us. Honestly, we probably don’t smell any better after hotboxing my closet.

 

 

He stops in front of a fucking butt plug section. “Now, this is important little bro,” he says, leaning towards the shelving, resting one elbow on the top, facing us. “The first thing you’re going to want to do is stretch yourself by keeping one of these doo-dads in all day.”

 

 

**_What??_ **

 

 

I’m literally facepalming now, cheeks burning. However, I allow my hand to slip down a little to eye the selection. Jesus christ, there’s even some here that are designed to look like various world leaders and Shuuichi’s got a couple, one in each hand sarcastically mimicking their voices in a ‘debate’ that ends in them ‘making out’ as he rubs their ‘faces’ together even though they’re in plastic casing. He smiles up at me and elbows my side.

 

 

“Pick one out, Hajime.” He whispers to me, putting the Hilary and Trump plugs back next to Putin, who I already knew was some kind of butt plug meme but I had never actually seen one in real life.

 

 

“Is this thing really _necessary?_ ” I ask, picking a much plainer one off the shelf to look at it up close… _jesus_ , there’s rubber, hard plastic, metal, even wooden ones?

 

 

 _“Yes.”_ They both say in unison from either side of me. I literally don’t know which one to pick so I turn to Shuuichi with a look that I hope conveys that I just need him to pick this shit out for me so I can get the hell out of here.

 

 

Shuuichi smirks back at me and goes straight past the small ones to the medium sized plugs. I feel a little clink at the bottom of the basket that has mysteriously found its way onto my arm since the store clerk started walking with us.

 

 

I’m staring at it in the bottom of the basket while absently following them into the next aisle. The plug honestly looks like a fishing lure. I stuff this thought down _deep_ because I am a gay city boy now. I am no longer a clueless farmboy who has never set foot in a sex shop.

 

 

When I catch up to them they’re looking at actual toys now. But not the kind that get made into memes because of how ridiculous they are. No spikes or LED lights. Certainly no fake moving tongue parts. The other two are taking this way too seriously. The clerk is trying to say that a certain one is cheaper, but Shuuichi is going for quality here. _Great_.

 

 

I absently run my finger down the side of a vibrator and Shuuichi immediately pulls my hand away telling me that I’m not ready for that. And he has no qualms at all about saying that he’s sure “Akise has like twelve of those in his apartment.” _Out loud. In front of the shady clerk guy._ Whose nametag says ‘Hagakure’ now that I’m close enough to see it.

 

 

The next thing that gets tossed into my basket is a dildo? I think it’s a dildo…maybe it’s just better to refer to it as a sex toy. It’s this short smooth curved _metal_ _thing_ that’s bigger at the end of the curve compared to where the ‘handle’ is.

 

 

 _Ah_. The tag says **_‘PROSTATE MURDERER.’_**

 

 

I can’t stop blushing, it’s horrible.

 

 

I follow them still wtf’ing in my mind until they’re standing in front of a giant lube selection, just waiting to see what virginal Hajime Hinata will pick out. Like this is so entertaining to Shuuichi and the clerk is just going along with it.

 

 

The variety of lube is ridiculous. I have no idea what the technical terms mean and the non-technical terms are just…I feel like over half of them are named after my little pony or power ranger aesthetics. But there in the middle…100% organic coconut oil. They both whistle when I pick the tiny jar off the rack. Apparently it definitely wasn’t the synthetic glittery one Shuuichi was sure I was going to pick.

 

 

They’re both telling me what a good choice I made and about the benefits of coconut oil as we approach the register. I can barely keep my shit together. I just picked out the lube that reminds me of Komaeda, that’s all. And I still can’t get over the fact that not only am I _in_ a sex shop for the first time, but like…I’m buying shit here too.

 

 

Or I think I’m buying it. The truth is that this guy buys weed from Shuuichi and I’m literally getting this shit for free because the guy owes him so much money right now.

 

 

If this whole experience wasn’t mortifying enough to begin with, my ‘purchases’ are all getting tossed into a bright pink bag that says “Sex Up” in huge font on every side of it. My mind is flashing back to how Shuuichi laughed when he asked me if I had a shopping bag before we left my room earlier. _Asshole_.

 

 

I’m so done here but the clerk grabs my arm as I’m attempting to collect my bag of sin. I give him a wide eyed look waiting for him to say something.

 

 

“I have a free parting gift for you, little buddy.” _Oh my god. What is this shit?_

 

 

Hagakure’s turning my hand over and staring intently at my palm and Shuuichi is barely concealing the fact that he wants to start cackling. The store clerk is in some kind of zone, muttering weird shit at my hand before looking back up at me all seriously.

 

 

“My fortunes are usually 30% accurate, but I have a good feeling about you, little buddy.” He says, grinning. _Please stop calling me **little buddy** and please don’t have any ‘good feelings’ about me_.

 

 

“Can you separate the concepts of sex and love?” He asks flatly, after all that pretentious build-up. And like, that’s it. This is the culmination of his divination right here.

 

 

 _“Hahh?”_ I pull my hand away because. Like, how is that even a fortune? Aren’t fortunes supposed to be like, ‘you will come into great wealth’ or ‘you will die happy’…. _what the fuck_. The bro-man is just laughing while Shuuichi is pulling me out of the shop by my arm.

 

 

 _“You!”_ I whisper-yell, glaring down at my friend.

 

 

“Yes?” He says innocently, while helping himself to a cig out of my shirt pocket.

 

 

 _“Whatever.”_ I sigh out to the side. It was embarrassing and ridiculous. But to be honest it was the least miserable I had been all week. I started laughing because _what the fuck just happened tonight?_

 

 

“He’s not wrong you know,” Shuuichi says quietly while flicking his butt into the bushes half way home.

 

 

“What?” I have no idea what he’s talking about, but then Shuuichi taps his fingers against the pink bag I’m clutching suspiciously against my chest in order to block any random people from reading the store’s logo.

 

 

“What that guy said back there?” I ask him incredulously.

 

 

I had been thinking about it the last few minutes…who wouldn’t after hearing something like that. From someone like that. In a place like that. That guy looked like he was baked out of his mind anyway. Of course sex is something you do when you’re in love and loving someone generally leads to sex, right?

 

 

“They’re completely different things to some people.” Shuuichi goes on, just like ripping my naivety in half. I somehow feel like Shuuichi is about to impart some great wisdom to me.

 

 

“What do you mean?” I ask him, passing back the coffee we bought to split at a stand a couple blocks behind us. Shuuichi looks up while blowing on the coffee, then he turns to smile at me.

 

 

“God, you’re so _innocent_ Hajime.” Shuuichi says, teasing me. He looks forward again before going on, still hogging the coffee. “Rantaro’s never said he loves me…we’ve been having sex for five years.”

 

 

 _What!!??_ All of this shit is news to me. I try not to think about how they basically had to start having sex _before_ high school in order for that to be true. But, the whole never telling each other…how they feel…this whole time…that seems like it would be… _really painful_. Komaeda’s already told me that he loves me and we haven’t even had sex yet. Well. Full on butt sex, hence our little educational field trip tonight.

 

 

Potentially rude questions just keep falling out of my mouth while I try to understand what he meant just now.

 

 

“Five years? _Like constantly?”_ I hate that this is my first question. That I’m asking about the sex before asking about the feelings part.

 

 

Shuuichi giggles and then tells me that he supposes the longest they’ve gone apart was when Rantaro was out of town with his family on a trip for a week. _A week?_ Mentally picturing how many weeks are in a span of five years and making a ton of assumptions after that puts a number in my mind that makes me spit out my coffee all over the sidewalk.

 

 

Now he’s really laughing at me. And he’s kindly rubbing little circles on my back as I regain my composure from having just swallowed hot coffee into my lungs. I’m such a dork. And I can’t stop coughing for a _minute_. Somewhere in the middle of it, bent over the sidewalk I whimper to him, “Shuuichi, you would have had three kids by now if you were a girl.”

 

 

He smacks my back then making me cough hard, correcting me by saying, “If I were _female bodied_ , Hajime.” _God_. I really need to learn how to speak properly. I know he’s not offended, he’s just constantly correcting me and I’m grateful. Nobody back home knows about any of this shit. The city was on a whole other level.

 

 

After ahem’ing a few times to clear my throat, I ask him the second question I had, “you haven’t told him either?”

 

 

“No.” He doesn’t say anything after this and it’s starting to click that this is just how it is with them. They have this really long sexual history and never tell each other that they love each other.

 

 

After a few more questions it becomes clear that they’ve also never gone on a date or let anyone see them acting remotely couple-like in public before this camping trip we just went on. That adding Ouma into their relationship that day we shroomed in the canyon had changed it somehow. I suddenly remembered how they all went to take a shower together that night. The same night Rantaro ended up giving Komaeda a split lip.

 

 

The part of Shuuichi’s story that’s hardest for me to understand is that Rantaro is…uh…well he’s the opposite of boyfriend material but even I understand how this wording has got to be somewhat problematic so I say the next best thing that comes to mind.

 

 

 _“Is it ok with you? That Rantaro’s a complete **slut?”** Jesus christ Hajime_. But… Shuuichi looks so surprised that I just came out and said it. And he’s not offended at all.

 

 

In reality, Shuuichi’s trying not to laugh while saying, “Yea …Rantaro is the ultimate _slut_.”

 

 

He snickered right at the end like this was some kind of private joke he’d been wanting to share his entire life.

 

 

Which in most respects, it was.

 

 

I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Even with every ideal I have gravitated towards that’s constantly evolving as I grow…I’m not sure I could stretch my heart that far. I couldn’t live like that.

 

 

Apparently Rantaro would sleep with anyone, male or female. Shuuichi was the only person Rantaro slept with more than a few times over the last few years.

 

 

Until Ouma came along.

 

 

Apparently Ouma was their third wheel all these years who constantly suspected there was something going on between Shuuichi and Rantaro but never knew for sure until they all started renting an apartment together last year.

 

 

And like. Ouma was the only decent looking _interested_ person Rantaro had ever shot down.

 

 

 _Repeatedly_ , because Ouma didn’t give up.

 

 

It wasn’t his fault. Even though Ouma’s feelings were clear as day to anyone, Rantaro never broke out of  his ‘best friend role’ so he acted oblivious for years every time the boy tried something with him. Finally, Ouma was like, _‘what the fuck, Rantaro?’_ while we were camping. And now they’re all boyfriends?

 

 

“I don’t really understand it very well either.” Shuuichi said to me as we got to my room.  We sat next to each other on the floor by my bed and all I could think about was that _yes_ they _did_ have sex in that crappy camping shower.

 

 

 

“So wait, let me get this straight…Now you guys take turns with Rantaro or some shit?” This shit was mind baffling. Like the whole part where Ouma and Shuuichi were not into each other. Like at all. That kiss at the party? Fucking Rantaro asked Ouma to do it. On his fucking birthday.

 

 

“I guess? It’s not that black and white…” He laughs before taking a huge joint hit that he blows _mostly_ out the window. “Ouma is actually pretty clever when it comes to making rules…and after following us around since junior high, he like. He knows how Rantaro functions to a degree that it’s almost scary sometimes…” He takes another hit, holding it in for way too long before going on, “it’s more loopholes than rules if that makes sense…basically Rantaro can sleep with me whenever if he _wants_ to.”

 

 

My eyes are just going wide. Shuuichi’s blowing my mind with the novel inner workings of polyamory. They basically have this relationship where they’re sharing Rantaro and putting up with each other.

 

 

“How do _you_ feel about it?” I asked him, sincerely. His eyes went wide and he covered his mouth. His face was turning pink.

 

 

“Too much, Hajime.” He said, meeting my eyes and straightening his face. _What?_ “Just to be able to talk to someone about this…is _too much_. And now you’re even asking me how I feel about it.”

 

 

 _Yikes_. Again I think about how Shuuichi is freaking adorable. And I totally feel like a proud mom when he actually opens up and answers my question.

 

 

“Rantaro is a totally selfish asshole. Obviously. But _ugh_. He fucks me up in bed _every_ _single_ **_time_**. And like…I care about him…he’s my best friend,” Shuuichi says while quietly looking up at me, reaching over to squeeze my hand. “Ouma makes him happy. So no. It doesn’t bother me, is that weird?”

 

 

“You’re asking _me_ if it’s weird?” Honestly I’m just shocked because hello. I’m mentally picturing the ‘gays go to hell’ sign on my neighbor’s farm right up against the freeway back home…so every single person driving through that pathetic town knows…that a raging homophobe lives right there. _Bruh_.

 

 

“Yea you.” Shuuichi says teasingly, handing me a new joint. I take it from him and light it before handing it back to him. Blowing the smoke up over our heads, I try to think of something to answer him with. But all I have are my honest feelings, good or bad.

 

 

“I wouldn’t be able to do it.” I tell him flatly.

 

 

No way in hell could I share Komaeda with anyone. Physically, emotionally, whatever. It’s premature but I’m definitely singing, ‘that boy is mine’ in my head.

 

 

I go on quickly because what I just said sounds so judgmental. “I think it’s really beautiful though, whatever it is between you and Rantaro. And Ouma.” I’m a more than a little sarcastic at that last part and Shuuichi’s face twisted playfully at me.

 

 

“Beautiful, huh?” Shuuichi sighs looking out the window before grabbing the Sex Up bag and dumping it all out on the floor.

 

 

“I can’t believe you can just go there and take shit because that guy owes you money.” I’m finally getting to say this out loud and like…it’s the funniest shit. Shuuichi’s face is super lit up and he’s unwrapping everything for me.

 

 

He’s giving me detailed instructions on how to sanitize everything when I totally interrupt him.

 

 

“Why the hell did you say that I needed a _power bottom starter kit?”_

 

 

Shuuichi looked over at me with wide eyes under his glossy black fringe. “Excuse me?”

 

 

He’s honestly not considering what I mean by this…or he’s a dick and he’s just gonna make me say it out loud.

 

 

“Aren’t I more like… _you_ _know…the …top?”_ I say with my face down, trying not to trail off even though it’s super hard not to. Shuuichi’s subsequent _‘pfffffft’_ should have been anticipated but it still stung a little.

 

 

 _“Hajime.”_ He sounds slightly condescending now, “most normal couples switch.”

 

 

“Switch?”

 

 

“I-mag-ination, Hajime.” _Oh my god. **Spongebob reference**_.

 

 

So now I’m imagining all kinds of random orgy positions going back and forth between spongebob and all of his friends. _Oh god. I’m so high._ And _so lame_.

 

 

“I…see…” I say, trying to keep a totally straight face and failing so hard.

 

 

Grinning Shuuichi adds a totally unhelpful, “Hajime, do you really think partners stay in exclusive roles the whole time they’re dating?”

 

 

“Ok, so if that’s true then what about you and Ran--”

 

 

Shuuichi’s hand is covering my mouth while he’s shaking his head. He takes another hit, not removing his hand the whole time before talking.

 

 

“Hajime,” He says, dropping his hand to turn towards me. “Rantaro _isn’t_ normal. He’s a sadist with an over inflated ego. …The truth is that over half of gay couples _switch_.”

 

 

Oh. _Ohhhhh_. **_Ohhhhhhhhhh_**.

 

 

 _Oh my **god**_. I think this is called enlightenment, I don’t know. My mind is doing fucking backflips at the images that are automatically coming to mind about Komaeda. _Fuck_.

 

 

Again Shuuichi is laughing his ass off at me.

 

 

“Are you having naughty thoughts, Hi-na-ta-kuun?” Shuuichi is straight up trying to mimic Komaeda and it’s hilarious.

 

 

I slap him in the face with my pillow. “What do you _expect?”_ I ask him while trying not to laugh.

 

 

After hanging out a bit more he gets up to go home, reminding me to break up with Manami once again before he disappears behind the closing door.

 

 

~  ~  ~

 

 

I keep dreaming about Komaeda every night. I even had to jack off in the fucking library today after falling asleep on my homework. I barely had enough time to finish and clean up before running all the way across campus to my next class.

 

 

As the lecture starts, everyone around me is taking notes and I’m that guy. The sweaty one in the back with the buttons on his shirt visibly off by one all the way down, not taking notes.

 

 

At least not like they are.

 

 

A few days ago I pulled out a barely used notebook from last year and ripped out the few pages that had schoolwork on them. This was going to be my Komaeda sin-dream diary.

 

 

There was no way in hell that I wanted any of it to be like… _understood_ by anyone else. Like if I lost it or if someone happened to look inside.

 

 

For the first dream I had drawn four panels of a rose blooming from a bud to a flower. On the facing page I wrote three words.

 

 

_Sheets_

_Laughter_

_Sunlight_

 

 

For the second dream…that crazy twerking shit in that library…I drew a pile of books with what I _think_ looks like a coconut on top. On the facing page, again I wrote three words;

 

 

_Slave_

_Explosion_

_Confession_

 

 

The third dream was that…kiss on the beach. I still remember how beautiful he looked. I allowed myself to decrypt enough to draw a shitty sunset over water and the weird symbols from our shirts. I had seen them again in other dreams by the time I decided to draw them here. I didn’t even have to think about it too much as I sketched them out. On the facing page I only wrote one word;

 

 

_First_

 

 

The pages continued like this and I tried to fill them in as soon as I could after waking. So after coming in my hand at my desk in a corner of the library just now, I ran all the way here to draw a strawberry and a kokeshi doll while everyone around me was taking physics notes. This one could also be neatly sufficed with a brief statement.

 

 

_Hungry lmao_

 

 

I put my weird dream journal away to try to catch up with the lecture, but it had become something that I kept with me far too often…like it was something precious to me. That I was almost clinging to.

 

 

Especially in Komaeda’s absence.

 

 

Speaking of which, I got really good at playing with my ass over the last few days. I couldn’t even look Shuuichi in the eye when he casually asked at lunch in front of Ibuki and Souda if my ‘purchases’ from the other night were ‘working out’ for me.

 

 

It was awkward as fuck at first. I kept telling myself that there was no way in hell that this shit felt good until…accidentally finding that spot. The spot no one tells you about in junior high sex ed. Especially not where I came from.

 

 

It was ridiculous when it happened. All of a sudden I remembered Ibuki’s manga collection from when we were kids. I laughed _so hard_. Honestly, someone needs to tell these girls that it’s not as _‘far up there’_ as they all think.

 

 

If I had to pinpoint exactly when I realized I was gay, it was probably in sixth grade when I found a uh…certain set of mangas in Ibuki’s room.

 

 

 _“They’re called doujins, stupid.”_ I can still hear her saying over my shoulder when I flipped through them and had audibly let out an _‘oh my god’_ at one particular scene. Of course I screamed and threw it across the room because I didn’t know she was right there watching me literally hooked on every page until she scared me.

 

 

I’m smiling into my salad wondering if I should tell Ibuki right here that she’s the one who made me gay.

 

 

But I hear my phone go off and it’s that specific ring I set for Komaeda and it’s the first time I’m hearing it ever, so I end up smacking my knee right into the concrete edge of the table while trying to stand up too quickly to find my phone.

 

 

An entire week had gone by and I didn’t want to seem moody or clingy so I had stopped messaging him a while ago. Every day in my head there had been an exponentially growing list of unsaid things. Untyped, unsent things.

 

 

Akise: How are you?

 

 

 _Shit_. I almost forgot I’m in love with this asshole. All the feelings are coming back and mixing with the thoughts and dreams I’ve had since I last saw him. And then the tone goes off again.

 

 

Akise: I miss you.

 

 

I kind of want to run home and cry into my pillow but like, I’m still in the middle of lunch with my friends so I have to take a deep breath and try to convince myself that I should wait until I’m alone before I message him back.

 

 

As soon as I turn around, Shuuichi is giving me this look like he knows exactly what happened just now and I’m sure in some fucked up way he does because he’s a genius. But Shuuichi Saihara is a good boy with manners and doesn’t ask me about it, thank god.

 

 

When I’m finally alone in my room in the evening I pull my phone out again to look at Komaeda’s messages. _How am I?_ I don’t even know where to start or end with that question. I had been thinking about it all afternoon and I still spent an hour after this trying to think of what to say back. In the end I just sent a simple, “I miss you too.”

 

 

I found myself looking through the last few days of messages from Manami that I had blown off. It was a miracle that we hadn’t run into each other at school this week. He had asked the last few days if I wanted him to bring me dinner because I was still ‘sick.’

 

 

Ugh. I’m such a bitch. I ended up replying, “Thanks Nami. That sounds nice.” And now I’m shoving all my jack off toys into a random drawer and just like trying to make it look less like a depraved recluse lives here because he’s totally on his way over. He replied in like two seconds.

 

 

Behind my bed I found the shirt I had worn to Ouma’s party last week. And like the sick fuck I am, I huffed it because maybe there was some faint scent of Komaeda left in it. _Maybe_.

 

 

In doing this however, I felt the molly capsules rocking around in the pocket. _Jesus fuck_. How could I forget about something like that? There had still been two doses left after that night. I decided that these should probably go in the drawer with the metal dildo thing. _Who even am I anymore?_

 

 

I ended up shoving the whole dirty shirt in there though because Manami was knocking at the door.

 

 

I hate to say this, but the sight of Manami, smiling at me like I’m not a total douche bag is…warming. I start to realize that I never had any intention of breaking up with him when I messaged him to come over. It was more like I felt so fucking lonely that this is the best thing my brain could come up with.

 

 

We sat and ate together like we always used to and chatted about random things. I told him about the road trip and that _‘it was really nice’_ and _‘I’m glad I went.’_

 

 

I’m internally facepalming at myself every second, ok.

 

 

I told him practically everything that happened while camping except the part where I think I fell in love with Manami’s friend’s older brother whose name isn’t even Akise…and the part where Ouma totally has a gun. And that they shot it. At some guys…yea that whole last day was completely left out.

 

 

And yea, there was no way in hell I was going to tell him that I had become a fricking master at shotgunning weed or about all the drugs that just like fell into my lap that whole weekend.

 

 

Even through all my self loathing and the fact that I should have broken up with him last week, I’m reminded that Manami is actually someone precious to me. He’s really nice. Really thoughtful. This boy hasn’t done _anything_ wrong…but his visit also makes me realize even more that this is not what I want.

 

 

I should just say it.

 

 

But I don’t.

 

 

It’s so unbelievably messy. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. Even if I never speak to Komaeda again, I already know I’m done pretending to be something I’m not to Manami.

 

 

Except that dating Manami…besides holding hands a few times and like two awkward hugs in the whole time we’ve dated, not a single thing changed from when we were just friends. So what does breaking up with Manami even look like? What does hurting him look like?

 

 

Shuuichi had said something like, _‘Manami will get over it eventually’_ …did that mean that we’d be able to spend time together like this, eventually? After breaking up?

 

 

If Komaeda was texting and calling me every day and making a mess of me in his room every night…would I even have a spare thought for whether or not Manami would still be my friend?

 

 

Lastly, there’s something fucking unreal about the way like twenty of our friends at that last party haven’t said shit to him about anything.

 

 

Was I honestly hoping they would? So I wouldn’t have to?

 

 

I’m such a fucking trash.

 

 

Manami told me that I must be sleepy because I wasn’t listening anymore. I just let him think it. I realize that pretty much everything he thinks about me is a lie as I walk him to the door thanking him for the food and stupidly adding that I can’t wait to see him again.

 

 

Sleep is the last thing I think I’ll actually be able to do, but eventually it happens between checking my phone for replies from Komaeda that never came. It was still the same in the morning…I thought he would have said something for sure.

 

 

Waking up from dreaming about him makes all of this harder and easier at the same time.

 

 

They’re always really good dreams. He’s beautiful. We’re happy together. It’s hot. But then I realize that it’s just a dream. Like I know it’s a dream when I wake up, but as the days stretch on with no contact with him they feel even more sadistically unreal.

 

 

Right when I’m really wallowing in it, telling myself that I’m not even sure how it was that he looked different from the kid in my dreams, he messages me and I knock an entire bottle of orange juice right off my desk in the middle of class. This teacher is a fucking monster too so I end up cleaning it all up and patiently waiting until the end of class before checking my phone.

 

 

I really might cry this time.

 

 

There wasn’t a message, he just sent me the two pictures he had taken of us. The one with the flower crowns from the first day of our trip, and that one where I looked totally fucking wrecked on the bathroom floor the last night I saw him.

 

 

My chest is hurting. I didn’t forget. How could I? It’s just that I finally have a photograph of him…of us. He’s fucking gorgeous.

 

 

 _Komaeda_.

 

 

Suddenly I’m kind of angry. Is this supposed to make our unspoken radio silence better somehow?

 

 

Is he fucking with me?

 

 

Everyone had cleared out of the classroom and I hear the teacher grumble my name to remind me to get the fuck out of here.

 

 

I end up walking straight past where I usually meet my friends for lunch and walked all the way across campus before I realize that I’ve just completely zoned out so hard that I’m literally a mile away from my dorm now.  My phone died somewhere along the way while I was staring at the photos. At his face.

 

 

_He looked so happy._

 

 

I tried to remember everything that was real. It was hard with the dreams though…they softened everything where he was concerned.

 

 

I mean…what the hell. After all that intensity…I know he said he would be busy, but doesn’t he just work like a regular day job at Togami? We said we’d meet up in about a week and it’s been…almost two weeks now. Were we actually going to meet up, like ever again?

 

 

The walk back is far more conscious than the blurred out daze I was in earlier. There’s no doubt in my mind that I fucking _mean something_ to him. Everything keeps playing over in my mind. The things he said. The things he did to me…for me. The way he looked at me like I was someone precious to him. The way he blurted out that he loved me and made me cry like a baby when he told me his real name.

 

 

That name was definitely his name in every dream I had so far. Komaeda Nagito. It was the one thing that bizarrely connected them to reality.

 

 

_I have to see you again, Komaeda._

 

 

By the time I finished every bit of homework and reading that I could think of, I opened his messages again and replied to the photos. I said, “you’re beautiful, Komaeda.”

 

 

Before I could even set the phone down, he messaged me back. What the hell? It’s like three in the morning.

 

 

Akise: can you meet me for lunch tomorrow?

 

 

HOLY SHIT. Was I honestly about to cry myself to sleep?

 

 

I’m laughing like an idiot because his hold over me is enough to make me slightly deranged and he doesn’t even know it. When I message him back I tell him ‘fuck yes’ and ask him where and when he wants to meet up.

 

 

It’s a café near his office building. And the time is…super inconvenient for my school schedule but there’s no way I’m _not_ going to see him. So I tell him that I’ll see him there and he replies with a “goodnight, Hinata-kun.”

 

 

_This boy is going to kill me._

 

 

I fall asleep all giddy like a complete nerd, thumbing through my journal…my journal where I had totally printed the photos he sent and pasted them right into the covers. Ok. This diary is getting more and more conspicuous every day. But I still hold it like a damn teddy bear as I fall asleep.

 

~ ~ ~

 

The next day at school drags on like a motherfucker.

 

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about last night. That _hold_ he has over me that briefly crossed my mind last night before I felt drunk off his messages…drunk off the very act of communicating with him in real time…the hold is real.

 

 

I went from being completely depressed to completely elated because of a few text messages.

 

 

And now, waiting for the time when I can book out of here to catch a bus downtown, my emotions are doing something else.

 

 

I’m so anxious. Like my hands are shaking and stuff. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m super excited to see him or if it’s because I’m afraid. Like afraid that something isn’t right with how I’ve been interpreting everything between us.

 

 

What if it wasn’t special? What if none of that meant anything to him?

 

 

There’s a lump in my throat and I still have two more hours of lectures before I can go meet up with him.

 

 

_I need to calm down._

 

 

I zone out and think about the dream I had last night…I like don’t even question the fact that this is happening to me anymore. It’s like Komaeda is this weird drug where you do it once and you’re fucked for life.

 

 

We were swimming naked in the ocean.

 

 

Laughing our asses off.

 

 

And then we were just holding each other, getting knocked over by waves while stupidly trying to make out. The feeling of holding him in my arms and sinking under the water, kissing him no matter how much salt water filled my mouth…he was so cold and smooth…and tiny.

 

 

Even in my dreams I think about how he needs to eat more.

 

 

Somehow thinking about the things I’ve seen in my dreams relaxes me to a point where my hands stop shaking.

 

 

And before I know it, it’s time to get the fuck out of here and catch a bus.

 

 

I’m like covering my mouth to smell my breath when I see him leaning against a wall near the café, smoking a cigarette. He definitely spotted me first and he’s grinning at me. He totally saw me smelling my breath. _Ugh_.

 

 

 _And god_. He looks so fucking cool. Those thin black suspenders…they’re cute and hot at the same time. His shirt is fitted just like everything else, tucked in with his sleeves rolled up a little. His pants this time are slightly cropped though and fuck. He’s got this mad style that only Komaeda can pull off.

 

 

Even his weird ass hair looks perfect, he’s got it tied back with the rest of it going nuts all around his face. A smile creeps up one side of my face because I’m one of the very few people who know that his lashes are white under his mascara.

 

 

I want to squeeze the shit out of him and fucking dip him like a sailor right now. But I just awkwardly walk up and say hi.

 

 

“Hello Hinata-kun.” He says smiling at me. _God. I missed your fucking voice, Komaeda._

 

 

He doesn’t make any effort to touch me as he leads me to a table outside the café. I mean…his work is right across the street and the café is getting busier and busier. I guess it would be totally inappropriate to hold hands…or kiss.

 

 

Still. I really want to kiss him and that thought eats at me the whole way through this overly genial lunch we’re having.

 

 

It’s like he has this…mask on right now. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is…but he’s treating me like I’m an acquaintance. We’re not talking about anything beneath the surface. We’re just talking about school and work and the fucking weather.

 

 

I totally roll my eyes when he pays for everything. At least this part of him hasn’t changed.

 

 

I feel like I’m going to have an outburst by the time he’s walking me to the bus stop telling me about what fruits are in season this time of year.

 

 

I stop completely, turning to look him in the eye. I probably look like I’m fuming right now.

 

 

“Ne. Komaeda.” I’m tilting my head watching the gears click into place across his face and there’s something faintly cracking in his demeanor now.

 

 

Without warning, he grabs my hand and takes me half way down the nearest alley.

 

 

When we get past a dumpster, he pushes me up against the wall behind it and I grab his tie so hard to pull him down to my lips. The emotions and physical feelings right now are wailing on me. I fucking love this boy. What the fuck _was_ all of that shit? Why didn’t we talk until _now?_ I haven’t seen him in _two fucking weeks_. It’s all bleeding out of me and I won’t let him go. Not yet.

 

 

His lip has fully healed by now and I’m totally trying to wreck it again. When I bite him a little too hard, I hear him whimper in my mouth and I fucking lose it.

 

 

Breathing out a really long ‘fuuuuuck,’ I grab him roughly and turn him so he’s against the wall now. I’m fucking up his hair to hold him to my lips and rolling my hips into him like…I don’t know. I feel like…like he’s turned me into something I don’t even recognize any more. I’m addicted. And I don’t like his bullshit. At all.

 

 

“I love you, Hinata-kun” I hear him whisper against my lips.

 

 

That just breaks me. I step back to search his face and it’s not that fake shit he put me through for the last hour. It’s real. It’s Komaeda. My Komaeda. I think I’m crying. Fuck.

 

 

 _“Komaeda…”_ I can’t look at him now. I’m looking down at my thumbs loosely hooked in his belt loops at his hips. I feel like he could slip away so easily and more than just physically. I go on in a trailed off whisper, “make time for me or I’ll die.”

 

 

This is how I really feel. It’s more than needy. It’s manipulative. But I don’t care. So I look back up and let him see exactly how scared I am because I couldn’t hide it if I wanted to.

 

 

Komaeda bites his lip…my eyes are kind of watery but I can tell I messed it up, it’s flushed and swollen. But his eyes…they’re so fucking beautiful and he’s actually looking at me now. Into me.

 

 

I want to kiss him again.

 

 

But he beats me to it, and it’s the kind that melts me against him. If this is real, then he’s answering me with his whole body right now. I sob against his lips, pulling away to look up at him. I’m still being a giant baby.

 

 

“I missed a fucking midterm to be here. _Today_. _With **you**_.” Somehow my hands had found their way up his chest and I had his collar gripped in both of my hands. As soon as I notice, I let go and put my arms down. _“Don’t do this to me, Komaeda.”_

 

 

He holds me tightly and leaning into him, I realize that his heart is beating as fast as mine right now. I feel him breath into my hair. He smells so fucking good. He _feels_ so fucking good. I don’t want him to ever let me go.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” I hear him say softly and I grip him even tighter. People talk about instinctual fight or flight mechanisms. But with Komaeda it’s like my body is in permanent fight or fuck mode. He makes me crazy. “I’m sorry.”

 

 

He sounds so hurt and it’s not fair. If he was really hurt, why haven’t we seen each other until now? Why did he treat me like that back there? Where does this even go from here?

 

 

But he’s stroking the back of my head now and telling me that it won’t be like this anymore. That he will make time for me. Enough time that I’ll surely get sick of him. I don’t know whether to sob or snort. I just bury my face against his neck, hiding in his warmth.

 

 

After clinging to him in silence for at least a whole minute longer, I feel ok enough to let him go. Barely.

 

 

I don’t even know who I am anymore. _How does he affect me **so much?**_

 

 

I smile while he’s trying to fix his hair and tuck his shirt back in. I lean down to kiss his cheek, whispering that I’m so glad his lip is better now.

 

 

Even if I’m not totally recovered from all the intense feelings he gives me, I don’t want to leave today with him worrying if I’m ok or not. I’ve already been so selfish…so childish today. So when he smiles back at me, squinting playfully, I do my best to smile back. Warmly.

 

 

Walking back towards the street, he reaches and grabs my hand to interlace our fingers together. Right before we step back out into the sunlight I bring his hand to my lips to kiss his wrist before we break apart. We go our separate ways with tons of looking back until he goes around the corner.

 

 

On the bus ride back to school it hits me that he’s only said my given name once. Right when we came up on molly. _Did I imagine it?_ It seems so clear in my mind. We were on the couch at that party. When we kissed for the first time. Every other time he’s addressed me, it’s been as _‘Hinata-kun.’_

 

 

I want to hear him say my name again.

 

 

And I really, really need to break up with my boyfriend.

 

 

I don’t even care how bad it’s going to suck. I can still taste Komaeda on my lips. I can still smell him somehow. I want him so bad. And I mean something to him. He loves me.

 

  

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole “Ne. Komaeda.” that Hinata says in this chapter… This is a legit reference to ch 4 of sdr2…in the class trial, Hinata says this to Komaeda as he’s losing his patience with him. And Hinata’s voice actress (bless her!) was just so good. It’s only a short thing. But it was salty and suggestive af ok
> 
>  
> 
> thank you all so much for reading this...this fic is honesly my komahina baby i just,,, lvoe them. so effing much x


	8. friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
> .  
>  There are a lot of ways that I should be alarmed at how my world has changed on a psychedelic level since meeting Komaeda. The dreams. The whole getting high as fuck without even taking anything. This bizarre level of connection right now. The unjustified pleasure. But all I can feel myself doing is throwing myself towards all of it. Without any sense of caution.  
> .  
> .  
> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jan 1, 2018<3
> 
> Happy fucking birthday to best boy Hajime Hinata, I hope Ko is ruining him in their beach hut today and that he gets lots of kusamochis and a vodka-oj fountain. And toys. Lots of toys.
> 
> ~~
> 
> So, I've been writing this story for a year now and it's totally changed my life. Thank you all for squealing along with me hehe
> 
> ~ ~ ~
> 
> I have to apologize, the previous chapter preview was actually from the following chapter so I'm really sorry about that!
> 
> I'll start updating them again when chapter 9 goes up.

 

Chapter 8 – Friends

 

 

Not gonna lie, that little encounter with Komaeda back in that alley had me feeling higher than a motherfucker. Emotionally.

 

 

And now I’m back in my dorm room getting ready to go to another birthday party. _Souda’s_.

 

 

But it’s a joint party for Peko and one of Ouma’s friends too. They were all born one day after another it’s so weird. Anyway, it’s gonna be off the rails and I’m excited.

 

 

Part of me is hoping Komaeda will come by, but I’m not sure. And I don’t want to ask either. I want him to keep his promise. I want him to contact me first. For whatever.

 

 

Ibuki and I took our skateboards to get to the party house. She’s always so cheerful and excited, there’s no possible way to be depressed around her.

 

 

I honestly followed Ibuki here two years ago. She always wanted to move to the city. To get out of our shithole town where we spent every single grade in the same class and ate the same casseroles at church picnics our entire lives.

 

 

We both applied to university in the city and got in, leaving our old lives behind us. Ibuki however changed her look entirely and dropped out of school to her parent’s utter horror. And then she put together an electro death metal band with her as lead singer and that basically got her disowned so here we are, giggling about the old ladies back home and all their stupid gossiping as we’re gliding down dark suburban streets.

 

 

When we got to the party, we hid our boards under the porch and made our way towards the front door. As soon as it came into view, I could see Maizono cornering Korekiyo under the porch light.

 

 

As we passed into the house, I could distinctly hear her telling him that she was going to be eighteen next week and that they should _‘hang out.’_

 

 

That fucking guy gets every girl ever, ok. Kiyo was a way too fashionable transboy and also probably a witch. He was too hot and too smooth. All the girls thought he was a fucking angel even though he flitted between them like a butterfly. Every single guy in our strange group of friends straight or not was at least a _tiny_ bit jealous of him.

 

 

_Sayaka too. Damn. Definitely a witch._

 

 

Once we’re inside, everything explodes into the scent of alcohol and about a hundred people trying to talk over each other and the music that is blasting in this room. It’s poppin.

 

 

Ibuki and I split up after we took a few shots in the kitchen together and filled up some beers from the keg. She walked off into a crowded dance floor…going for Tsumiki again… _oh boy_.

 

 

I don’t even want to think about that drama right now so I look around until I can see Fuyuhiko and Peko sitting at a table across the room. There’s a huge round of poker going on.

 

 

Souda is lurking around behind Sonia who is feigning obliviousness to his creepy hovering. But she’s also taking full advantage of the fact that he’ll go fetch her drinks or whatever she wants. She and Gundam are sitting right next to each other and totally working together as a team but no one cares. They’re not that good anyway. At least not when the others playing were Naegi, fucking Kirigiri, Fuyuhiko, Pekoyama, Saionji and that one chubby dude with a mullet that shows up at every party with Mikan. I can never remember his name, but he’s sharp as hell.

 

 

Mahiru pulls a chair out for me and I know that she’s going to signal her girlfriend across the table every fucking thing in my hand but it’s my friend’s birthday and they’re all playing. I buy in and the next round starts. I’m totally fucked.

 

 

Three beers later I’m down fifty bucks which is an _awful_ lot to me and Peko, that fucking angel, she graciously says it’s all for fun and there’s no need to pay up. After Saionji shares some choice words, it’s decided that I’m out and they’re going to go back to cheating each other out of hundreds of dollars now that the local broke ass, Hajime Hinata is disqualified.

 

 

Before I forget, I reach into my jeans pocket and hand Souda a five dollar certificate to an auto parts store. He’s so fucking touched it’s kind of hilarious. He’s so grateful.

 

 

I bought two new red ribbons for Peko. I tell her that I’m sorry I’m such a broke loser but she’s super happy when I hand them to her, Kuzuryuu is glaring at me while blushing furiously because Peko is fricking drunk and not giving a fuck anymore. She’s making him rebraid her hair with the new ribbons and he looks like he’s going to combust. The boy went totally red and couldn’t speak properly for ten whole minutes. _Happy birthday, dude_.

 

 

There’s this other guy at the table who I really don’t even know except for the fact that he’s some kind of freshman tennis genius on full scholarship here. The weird thing about our group is that most of us…not me of course, but mostly everyone else is full ride for all kinds of specialized fields… sports too. Anyway I learn his name is Ryouma and it’s his birthday this weekend too.

 

 

Ryouma is sitting with his friend, Kaito next to him. They’re kind of unfairly cute together, like all extra low key bromance shit. I feel bad giving Peko and Souda shit while he’s right here sitting next to me so I reach into my shirt pocket and pull out the grape swishers I had bought for myself to give to him.

 

 

This guy turns out to be a bigger stoner than Shuuichi which is insane to me. Ryouma pulled out like a _half_ bag and then a grinder out of his other pocket and he rolled a blunt as soon as I handed it to him wishing him a happy birthday. This fucker made me smoke so much weed, my eyes were completely bloodshot and over the next hour and I learned all kinds of space and tennis facts that I was never going to remember in this state. Blunts are so fucking harsh, my throat is _burning_. My voice totally got all scratchy and I’m high as a kite.

 

 

I just kept looking at Ryouma and thinking, _damn, people shorter than Teru exist in the world._

 

 

Sonia was smiling at me when Souda came up from behind me and furnished me with a tall icy oj vodka and I laughed. She was having him bring personalized cocktails to everyone around the table and he was just like all about it even though it was _his_ fucking birthday because Sonia was bothering to talk to him. The drink was hella good, super smooth and tangy. I raised my glass at her in thanks and she beamed a smile before turning back to her boyfriend and all his fucking hamsters.

 

 

I was super buzzed and chatting away with my friends when Manami appeared next to me. Souda got up and let him sit right next to me.

 

 

 _Fuck_.

 

 

I’m so faded. _Why is this happening to me_. Manami is all kinds of excited to see me and telling me all these things about this video game project he’s working on with Mitarai and Chihiro.

 

 

After a bit he says he’s gonna get a beer and go see some other people around the house so we hug for like the third time ever and he gets up smiling at me and turns around towards the kitchen.

 

 

The lack of talking around me is completely noticeable. Looking around, everyone who was at Ouma’s party is fucking glaring at me. They’re even fucking whispering to the people who weren’t there and I’m getting even more disgusted and pitying looks. _Fuck_.

 

 

When I turn back to the table, I see Saionji across from me and she totally mouths the word Die while looking right at me. And then she pretends to sneeze and totally snorts a charming, _‘necrophilliac fuck’_ at the same time. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

Sakura is looking at me like I’m a shoplifter caught taking shit from the store where she works part time as a security guard. Under her chin, Asahina is leaning over whispering to Chihiro, and the girl looks towards me and I don’t get it at all, but she’s the only one in the room who actually looks giddy and scandalized by hearing about what a shitbag I am. _Isn’t Chihiro Manami’s friend?_

 

 

At any rate, the atmosphere was fucking thicc, and it didn’t help that from where I was sitting, Rantaro was sitting on a couch directly across from me. He had been glaring daggers at me all night, even before Manami came in and I totally acted like I wasn’t all over Komaeda at that last party. Shuuichi was trying to distract him over and over and it wasn’t working at all. _He fucking hates me_.

 

 

 _Fuck. Fuck. **Fuuuuck**. Well I guess this is it. I’m so sorry, Nami_.

 

 

After meeting and befriending Manami, Ibuki and I fell in with this strange group of friends. A third of them were still in high school, but they were in this program taking classes at our school. The oldest of us, including me, were about to be juniors in college. It felt so easy getting along with everyone and we had made real friendships with each other. I would have never have met them if I hadn’t run into Manami that first week of school two years ago.

 

 

And now look at me. What the fuck have I done. I have to do it right now. I get up and follow Manami.

 

 

When I find him standing in a small circle with a group of people in a corner of the living room, I wait awkwardly for a pause in their conversation to touch Nami’s shoulder. He turns around and the look he’s giving me is just. This is selfish, but I will definitely miss it and probably never see it again. It’s love. In his own way. _Fuck_.

 

 

I tell him that I need to talk to him and we go out to the front porch to sit on the steps. Manami has no idea what I’m about to drop on him. I hate that I’m shaking and my stomach hurts. Because I’m not even the one who’s about to get shattered right now.

 

 

“Nami…I don’t know how to say this…” I’m probably noticeably shaking even though today was hot and you can still feel it right after the sun’s gone down in a thick balmy breeze. Nami looks kind of scared, there’s no way he couldn’t feel my vibe right now. The hesitation to go on. The nervousness. The utter shame… “I need to break up with you.”

 

 

“What?” Manami asks flatly…he looks completely stunned like he’s been tased and I really hate myself.

 

 

I repeated myself and Manami stood up taking a large breath in and letting it out even more slowly than he had inhaled. When he turned back, his rose coloured eyes were dark and just wretchedly sad. It was obvious he wanted to know why. And I already know the worst part about this.

 

 

“What the fuck, Hajime.” I had never heard Manami swear before and this is so much less than I deserve anyway. I had been lying to him for weeks at this point and I needed to confess everything. I had the choice not to do that, but my guilt was bubbling over. I wanted it all off my chest. It was incredibly selfish. Our eye contact is rigid when he quietly goes on, “Did you meet someone else?”

 

 

I have to look away. Is that enough of an answer?

 

 

“Yes.” _Uggggh_.

 

 

“Did you cheat on me?” Manami looks fucking pissed right now and it’s completely warranted. _“Who was it?”_

 

 

“Akise.” The name feels wrong in my mouth but it’s how it has to be. Obviously. I’m far too honest for my own good and Manami immediately asks me how long it’s been going on. “Since the camping trip.”

 

 

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me like the fucking plague the last two weeks? Jesus christ, Hajime.” He’s escalated into yelling now and there’s no doubt that some of the sound is carrying through the open door to the ears of most of our friends. Nami sits back down next to me with his face in his hands between his knees before speaking quietly, brokenly, “God. I feel sick. What did you do with him?”

 

 

It’s a loaded question.

 

 

“We haven’t had sex if that’s what you’re asking.” I feel so guilty but I’m totally omitting the part where Komaeda went down on me. “We kissed and I spent the night at his house a couple times.”

 

 

 _Fucking hell. This is so hard_. The guilt and the way Manami is hurting right now simultaneously feels like a tightened noose around my neck. My anxiety peaked a _while_ ago and I’m barely restraining a full on panic attack.

 

 

 _“I feel so sick inside…”_ Manami is definitely shaking and looking sort of nauseous. I try to reach out to him, but he slaps my hand away. “Look, I don't hate you. I'm not jealous. I just hate that you let me think all this time that there's nothing wrong with the way I am.” Oh god he’s crying now. “That you of all people finally, _finally_ understood me.” Nami stands up, walks a few paces away, then turns around with his breath hitching, simply stating a very loud **_“Fuck you Hajime.”_**

 

 

This was not about parting ways or being gay. This was about Manami’s sexuality or…lack thereof. I had shattered the image he had of me. I deceived him. I’m scum and I know it. But I can’t ever be what Manami wants. Not now. Not after Komaeda came into my life.

 

 

“This whole bullshit experience is just another sign that it’s fucking impossible to find another gay man who doesn’t want sex.” He scoffs at me bitterly, _“You know he’s fucking **insane** , right?”_

 

 

_What?_

 

 

Manami’s already power walking off towards the dorms now…telling me to fuck off when I try to follow him. I really do deserve every single fuck you and the fuck off. I contemplate going back to my room and wallowing in my self-hatred but then I decide to just get shitfaced instead.

 

 

_The rest of the night was a blur._

 

 

Every single person from my year that was at the last party was either giving me a _what the fuck_ face or just straight up ignoring me completely when I ran into them. Souda and Sonia however were immune to the tension…they were too fucked up last time and don’t remember a thing. With the way both of them inhale drugs it’s actually a good thing they’re not a couple.

 

 

I went to smoke outside alone and ended up knocking back a whole bottle of shitty merlot I found in the kitchen. It was fucking awful. But it did the job. I’m gonna have an awful headache in the morning but I really don’t care about that right now.

 

 

Shuuichi was by my side for most of night and I got to meet tons of people from his year. The nudist painter with all kinds of good kush on her at all times; Angie. Her tall and super fucking _gracious_ friend, Kirumi. Her hair was so like Rantaro’s but way calmer and muted.

 

 

And _god damn,_ Rantaro was fucking _lurking_ around me all night. I had fucking goosebumps on the back of my neck every time our eyes accidentally met. I kept thinking about the way he was kicking the shit out of that guy at the beach. I just keep acting like he’s not even there though and at one point I get so belige that I don’t even care anymore.

 

 

Souda was drunk off his ass and wanted to make a strip tease competition but like no one was up for that shit so he just did it himself. Some genius had given him a portable stripper pole for his birthday and he immediately wanted to check it out. I later found out that it was our darling Ouma who had gifted Souda with such an impulsively attractive present. It was super gross because as he awkwardly swung around the wobbling pole, Souda kept ogling Sonia and she ended up vomiting _way_ before the finale and was already carried into the bathroom by the time Souda finished his one man show.

 

 

At one point Rantaro and Ouma had disappeared into a random bedroom and it was a huge weight off of me. I got super wasted playing beer pong in the garage with all the freshmen I met tonight. It was weird how something about them reminded me of my friends from my year…and even how the younger kids had this _something_ as well. I’m super drunk though, so I physically can’t think about it too much.

 

 

The two youngest people here, Natsumi—Fuyuhiko’s younger sister, and Komaru—Naegi’s younger sister are just like _slaying everyone’s **asses**_ at beer pong and honestly everyone looks so _good_ tonight all dressed up to party. Natsumi was in Kiyo’s collection of fuck-friends none of us would ever get, and Komaru’s girlfriend, Touko was sitting in a corner under a lamp, reading a book. Komaru would pounce on her between rounds and Touko acted like it was _the most annoying thing_ but ended up making out with her girlfriend in the end every single time. Touko scares the hell out of me on a regular basis, but seeing her like this was kind of adorable.

 

 

I start to wonder if I’ll see Komaeda the later and later it gets. I keep smiling randomly because if he came he’d be the hottest guy here. And he’d be all over me.

 

 

But he doesn’t come.

 

 

And he doesn’t call or text me.

 

~ ~ ~

 

I wake up stiff and half cold on a hardwood floor and there is _the most noxious_ smell, like surrounding me making me bolt upright and look around.

 

 

Fucking Souda is right next to me lying in a pool of his own vomit, very nearly naked and _snoring_.

 

 

The house looks fucking trashed and the sun is high enough to make me panic about how his parents were coming back home “sometime in the afternoon.”

 

 

“Yo Souda.” I say turning to look at him. No response. I lean down right above his ear trying not to blanch at the vomit half dried in his hot pink hair. **“BRUH!”** I say this and he jolts awake, literally whining out Sonia’s name.

 

 

 _“Hajime?”_ He says, completely confused and probably colder than I am after sleeping on the fucking floor.

 

 

“You’re a fucking mess, dude.” I say smiling at him and he’s visibly starting to put everything together and maybe his head is hurting more than mine is right now. He’s rubbing his eyes when I get up to run the shower for him.

 

 

When I go back, he’s curled up on the couch half asleep and I help him up to take him to the bathroom. I reply to his mumbling, saying that yes, Sonia did like his striptease. It’s only to get him to wake the fuck up though. I put him in the shower in his underwear and leave to start picking up garbage around the house.

 

 

 _Oh my god_. There’s a broken window, a broken mirror _and_ a vase that I hope wasn’t too expensive. The garage is like flooded with half dried beer. I vaguely remember people squirting each other with the keg tap and it’s like. _What the fuck happened last night?_

 

 

For better or worse, I definitely achieved my goal of getting blackout drunk and I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel like I’m forgetting something really important but I have no idea what it is.

 

 

I had filled up three garbage bags and mopped the garage by the time Souda emerged looking marginally less shitty than before but at least clothed and presumably clean.

 

 

It was this moment that Souda’s parents decided to come home and Souda grabbed my arm to run out the back door and it was so shady, but we waited until they were _inside_ to quietly go out the side gate.

 

 

“Souda.” I’m not trying to be judgmental, but it’s not like I can hide it either. “What the hell?”

 

 

“I can’t deal with that shit right now, let’s go to your dorm.”

 

 

After twenty minutes of Souda looking wrecked, wobbling down the sidewalk behind me, we get to my room and immediately he falls down on my bed asking me for weed. Like right now.

 

 

I just got a bong because Shuuichi complained about it every time he came over, and I had a sack he gave me last night that I barely remembered getting except that I could smell it coming from my pocket.

 

 

Two bongloads later and Souda is _the most_ _chipper_ person in the world. Like he’s fucking cured.

 

 

My phone is still empty. Manami used to text me at least once a day, even before I was blowing him off. I guess that’s not going to happen ever again. More importantly though, Komaeda hasn’t said shit to me and it takes a lot of reminding myself that I’m not going to reach out first. That was what I decided yesterday.

 

 

We’re super hungry and I really don’t want to get depressed right now so we decide to walk downtown to get pizza. We invited Shuuichi and Ibuki to come along and got a booth seat, ordering like five pizzas because every single one of us is super hungover today. We keep switching out a pipe to take turns going to the bathroom to get high, blowing the smoke right up the shitty fan in there.

 

 

Half way through the pizza with blessed greasy food filling our queasy stomachs, we finally stop complaining about how sick we feel between our chatter.

 

 

I tell them all I broke up with Manami. Ibuki and Souda are kind of shocked but then they both tell me that _‘you gotta do what you gotta do.’_ They don’t even know about Komaeda though. Ibuki wasn’t at that party and Souda was more blackout _then_ than he was last night.

 

 

Souda and Ibuki are also oblivious to the fact that Rantaro apparently hates me now. Shuuichi is whispering to me that he didn’t even have to really try to get Ouma to take Rantaro into a bedroom. Grape chibi was uh. very jealous that on _his_ _birthday_ Rantaro had spent all that time with Shuuichi in his moms’ bedroom.

 

 

I ask Ibuki how her night went and she waves her root beer saying that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Ok. There are very few things that Ibuki Mioda would _not_ like to talk about. Tsumiki Mikan is one of them. Whenever we’re alone next I know it’s all going to come out like she’s been pressure cooking it for three months straight.

 

 

Sometimes I wish she never met that girl.

 

 

It’s not like Tsumiki was bad or anything. She was super, _super_ _sweet_. But Ibuki was like dead ass in love and _Mikan_ was like fresh out of therapy and not wanting any kind of relationship. Somehow they ended up sleeping together a few times though. And now everything was a mess between them.

 

 

Ibuki is deflecting and excitedly telling us instead about her show coming up next weekend. Her band had a city-wide tour going on right now and she told us how most of the places were bars and it was fucked up because they were let in to play and then promptly kicked out after their set because they were underage. She was super hype because the venue next weekend would be for all ages at a rec center so all of us could come.

 

 

Ibuki’s band’s name was a mouthful, _‘Cinderella from the Gardens of Slaughter.’_ God knows how she came up with that, but they were getting popular and it was only a matter of time before she would probably be touring like Sayaka. Her drive was something I always admired Ibuki for…she was definitely doing this single mindedly to stick it to her parents, but her love for what she was doing was also something she exuded at all times.

 

 

Shuuichi tells me that since it’s Ouma’s night with Rantaro that he’ll spend the night at Manami’s later so he’s not alone. We both know that this whole break up is not just a good thing for me. It’s something so much more fucked up than that.

 

 

Last year, my best friend turned into my boyfriend and then I met someone who flipped my whole world upside down. _Komaeda Nagito_. There’s no going back. I already know he really is like a drug. I’m addicted now I’m so fucked no matter what happens next.

 

 

And I love it.

 

 

Shuuichi and I parted ways with Souda and Ibuki a block away from the pizza place and we waved at Ibuki until she went around the corner because she kept shouting back, “you fuckers better come to my show!” until Souda finally pulled her along out of view.

 

 

So. You would think that with all the fucking queer people in our loosely knit group, that if someone needed a fake girlfriend to take home to fool their parents it would be. You know, one of the gay boys. Unless your parents are super accepting like Ouma’s, you don’t say shit. Or you end up like Rantaro. Disowned. Every single one of us knows this.

 

 

And yet, it was Kazuichi Souda who had the weirdest fucking arrangement with Ibuki Mioda. She was his pretend girlfriend. Well, to his family at least. And to Ibuki’s. Every one of us knew though. Ibuki was a raging atheist lesbian and Souda…well none of us looked forward to the day when Sonia ends up marrying that hamster fuck.

 

 

The thing was that Ibuki was caught in Souda’s room in the middle of the night two years ago, when Ibuki was still somewhat in the good graces of her parents. She was buying a fat bag of adderall to sell at the main show after her band opened at some club. That’s their official story. But Ouma told me that for some reason, their clothes were half way off, so who knows. Anyway, since they’re both fucking geniuses they both just exclaimed that they were dating and it was a big shitshow where their parents met up and everything. So yeah. Ibuki and Souda have _that_ kind of relationship. They’re fucking engaged.

 

 

Souda did not want to go back home to his parents without someone else to use as a shield after what happened to the house. And the whole running out without taking responsibility for anything this morning. I mean, the fucking stripper pole was still up in the living room when we left for god’s sake. They loved Ibuki tons though and there was a fairly good chance that Souda’s parents wouldn’t actually kill him if she came home with him. So he was dragging her.

 

 

“Hajime?” Shuuichi said, a few feet away from me, giving me some kind of weird ass smile. “Are you busy right now?”

 

 

A fucking chill went down my spine. I think.

 

 

 _“No?”_ I said after gulping. _What the hell?_

 

 

It would only be much later that I would come to recognize Shuuichi’s expression in that moment. He was up to no good.

 

 

“Good, come with me.”

 

 

We walked together, sharing a cig through a brightly lit part of the shopping district and even though it was in the opposite direction from that god forsaken sex shop, I could almost feel the amusement radiating from my friend.

 

 

We walked down an alley between shops, like the back one with all the trash bins and back doors. Shuuichi stopped in front of one and knocked sharply while yodeling a completely ridiculous _‘hellooo!’_

 

 

The door opened after a few moments and fucking Ouma stuck his head out. He had a black apron on with his hair pinned back and a broom in his hand. His scowl at both of us was kind of epic.

 

 

 _“Nani?”_ Ouma said, clearly inconvenienced by our unexpected visit.

 

 

 _What even is this place?_ Shuuichi ruffled his hair and told him not to be so cold while pulling the door out of his hold and walked past him, grabbing my hand to pull me along inside. Ouma clicked his tongue once but didn’t say anything else as he walked back down the hall into…

 

 

_Holy shit._

 

 

This was the fat salon chain that Ouma’s moms owned. Apparently Ouma works here and that is _a surprise_ because I never thought he’d be the kind of person to like, work. At a job.

 

 

Shuuichi let go of my hand and caught up to Ouma while I just gawked at everything. It was kind of uh… _tacky?_ In an overly glamorous way? There was just a lot of neon purple against stark white and there’s no fucking doubt in my mind as to whose idea that was. The lights were lowered along the front windows and no one else was here so it must have just closed for the day. My eyes returned to the other boys in the room.

 

 

 _I thought Shuuichi and Ouma didn’t really get along?_ I watched them talking and it looked like Ouma was sighing up a storm while he swatted Shuuichi’s hand away to fix his hair that the other boy had messed up. They both looked back at me and I have no idea why, but I jolted and pretended to look at a shelf of products.

 

 

Out of the corner of my eye and straining my hearing, I could see Ouma with his arms crossed kind of glaring at Shuuichi who was grinning like an asshole.

 

 

“He’s not going to like that, you know.”

 

 

“I’m gonna be over at Nami’s anyway. He’ll live.”

 

 

“He’s gonna throw a fit like a fucking baby.”

 

 

“I won’t let Rantaro do that.”

 

 

“Promise?”

 

 

“Promise.”

 

 

Ouma heaved out another irritated sigh telling Shuuichi that he was fucking annoying and then he came towards me and literally pushed me into a back room. Shuuichi followed and closed the door behind us.

 

 

“Strip.” Ouma said, looking at me as he snapped a pair of fucking purple nitrile gloves on.

 

 

 ** _“Hahh?!?”_** I exclaimed, probably looking like a panicked fish that fell out of its bowl.

 

 

“Take your pants off, dumbass.” Ouma said, piercing me with eyes that were totally saying _do it or I’ll fucking kill you_.

 

 

Shuuichi was chuckling and completely blocking the fucking door. _Really? Really Shuuichi?_

 

 

“Relax Hajime.” Shuuichi said, grinning with his voice all velvety and shit. “You’re getting waxed, it’s a rite of passage for uh…boys like us.”

 

 

My brain fucking short circuited. _What the fuck. What the **fuuuckkk**_.

 

 

“Don’t be such a fucking _baby_ , Hajime.” Ouma said with his back turned as he put some wax on a small burner on a counter next to the uh…bed thing. That I was supposed to just like strip and just like _lay on_.

 

 

Shuuichi put his arms around my shoulders and parroted Ouma’s words. That I ‘shouldn’t be such a fucking baby.’

 

 

 _Jesus christ. Is this normal shit people do?_ I really don’t think it is.

 

 

Before he let me go with a shove towards the bed thing, Shuuichi whispered something about how it’s not for me but for _Akise_. _Jesus fucking christ_. I’m dying. I’m _about_ to die. But yeah. _Hajime Hinata is not a fucking baby, ok._

 

 

“I can get you a pair of paper panties if you want.” Ouma said, starting to smirk at my discomfort. “they don’t cover shit though and also they’re for babies.”

 

 

“What the fuck, you both can stop teasing me now.” I said, kind of whining as I took my pants off, stepping towards the bed and just like kissed my dignity goodbye by dropping my boxers and climbing onto the massage table.

 

 

Shuuichi was respectfully looking down at his phone on a stool in the corner while Ouma stood above me, grimacing like this was the worst shit he’d ever seen.

 

 

Totally unprepared is a good phrase to describe like everything else that happened to me in this god awful neon lilac colored room.

 

 

Ouma was just like staring at my junk and then he fucking lifted my legs to look straight at my asshole and for god’s sake, I have never wanted to die more in my life.

 

 

 _“Jesus christ_ , do you even trim, you look like a fucking neanderthal down here.” Ouma said without looking away from my crotch and I could hear Shuuichi cackling somewhere behind me. I think my face might burn all the way off. Ouma continued to rip into me, “I would seriously charge you up the ass for this if Shuuichi wasn’t making it worth it. Barely fucking worth it.”

 

 

The purple haired boy looked up over me at the other boy and Shuuichi replied, “We can just go if you want to rescind that offer from earlier?” Ouma bit his lip and silently turned to pull an electric trimmer off a cart.

 

 

 _Oh my god, what the hell is going on?_ I’m seriously going to kill Shuuichi for this later.

 

Uncomfortable with the silence in this delicate fucking situation, I said the first thing that came to mind.

 

 

“Doesn’t everyone look like this?” I said over the buzz of the trimmer.

 

 

“Do you even watch gay porn?” Ouma said back, not looking away from what he was doing. Which was basically manhandling everything down there and just like mowing down all of my man hair.

 

 

Seeing Ouma between my legs with a fucking razor is terrifying, ok. I know with one hundred percent certainty that this imagery right now, _this_ is going to be the thing I think about for the rest of my life to get rid of inconvenient boners.

 

 

“My mom says porn isn’t a realistic representation of what people’s bodies look like.” I wasn’t ashamed to say this, it was fucking true.

 

 

Ouma looked up then, shutting off the trimmer with one eyebrow all the way up behind his bangs that were pinned to the side under his ponytail. It was quite the salt infused ‘what the hell even’ face.

 

 

I could feel warmth being spread over part of the hair he had trimmed, connecting with my skin and feeling fucking weird, ok. I saw him take a strip of cloth and felt him press it into the warm wax. He brushed his fingers over it a few times as he spoke.

 

 

“Hajime. I don’t know what kind of shit you saw in your dinky town’s public bath, but this,” And this was the part where he chose to fucking rip off the strip without warning me and I let out a very humiliating screeching sound. “this is completely unacceptable.”

 

 

_Jesus fuuuuccckkk…._

 

 

Shuuichi showed up above my head and gave me a cloth to bite down on, giving me a total dad pat on the cheek like this was fucking tee ball or some shit.

 

 

After about seven more strips came off, making me scream into the cloth in my mouth, I steeled myself to peek down at what Ouma was doing.

 

 

_Holy shit. It looks so good? Wow._

 

 

Well. I had to look away when he went to pull the next strip. He had my legs up over my head, literally scalping my taint and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

 

Right when I thought I might actually start crying, Ouma slapped my thigh and told me that it was all done.

 

 

“Really?” I breathed out. It had been unexpectedly quick. Ouma was actually very good at this I realized. I looked down between my legs and ok. Not to be conceited or anything. But damn.

 

 

“See, that wasn’t so bad, right?” I heard Shuuichi say from his corner and all I could think was, yeah fucking right, I thought I was gonna die. Still, I found myself smiling. A little.

 

 

I heard Ouma click his tongue right before a bottle of warm oil hit me in the chest. I glanced over at him as he was removing his gloves and washing his hands.

 

“I’m not getting paid to rub that shit on your junk, Hajime. Do it yourself.” He said back to me and my mouth made a very silent O shape. And then I was suddenly very embarrassed?

 

 

Shuuichi chuckled again and pulled Ouma out of the room. So I could like, rub floral scented moisturizer all over my bald aching crotch in privacy.

 

 

This was the weirdest fucking night I have had since coming here?

 

 

 _For Akise?_ It did feel amazing…my skin, under my fingers. And…this is probably what Komaeda looks like too. Feels like. I couldn’t quite manage a smile through the rawness I was feeling, but something inside me was starting to feel a sense of anticipation.

 

 

I still didn’t know whether to be grateful or not. I mean that was a fucking traumatizing experience. _God damn you, Shuuichi_.

 

 

But then I laughed. I thought about how this kind of shit would never have happened to me if I hadn’t met them. These weirdos. My friends. And Komaeda. My favorite weirdo.

 

 

Shuuichi was waiting alone for me when I came out and we left without saying goodbye to Ouma. As soon as we were around the corner, with a cig I was probably dragging way too hard in my mouth, I turned to Shuuichi and slapped him right in the back of his head.

 

 

He only laughed at me and lit his own cig while saying, _“You’ll thank me later, bitch,”_ in _the most_ cocky fucking tone. Somehow I think Shuuichi takes a certain kind of pleasure out of recklessly leading me out of my sheltered existence.

 

 

“What the hell was the whole ‘offer’ thing about back there?” I ask him and he just smiles and takes like five slow drags before answering me. So infuriating.

 

 

“I told him he could have my nights with Rantaro for the next week.”

 

 

“What. Shuuichi. You didn’t have to do that for me.” _Whatt??_

 

 

“I’m gonna be staying over at Nami’s for a bit anyway. He needs company right now. And Ouma’s easy to manipulate. He loves Rantaro more than anything.”

 

 

“Demon.” Probably should have not said that out loud. Shuuichi is honest to a fucking fault and even though he just said _that_ , I mean… _he said it, ok_. It was the thing about Ouma I couldn’t put my finger on for the longest time until that trip to the redwoods…Ouma would do anything for Rantaro. To a level that it was kind of scary.

 

 

“Don’t call me names, you got something really good out of this, Hajime.” Shuuichi said with a bright smile like it was nothing.

 

 

“Jesus christ.” I didn’t know what to say. He’s not wrong…my dick looks amazing right now. It’s just that last part. About taking advantage of Ouma. It feels unfair. The boy literally waxed my whole crotch in order to get more alone time with his fucking boyfriend. Which he would have gotten anyway. “I heard you guys talking…before. So Rantaro’s going to throw a fit like a fucking baby?” I asked, using Ouma’s words from earlier.

 

 

“Oh.” Shuuichi paused, biting his lips and probably trying not to laugh. “Yeah. Basically.” He was smirking when he handed me my coffee from the stand we usually hit up on our walks home.

 

 

“Why?” I asked, genuinely concerned as I took the cup from him.

 

 

“Well… Rantaro is a baby.” Shuuichi said this and then started laughing.

 

 

“What? So…he can’t live without you for a few days?” _That was the conclusion, right?_

 

 

 _“He can’t live without my asshole.”_ Shuuichi said sarcastically after his laughing calmed down and he was wiping little tears from the corners of his eyes. He thought all of this was hilarious. “I mean my motives aren’t that basic, Hajime. I’m not trying to torture him….pfffftt…ok, maybe just a little. But like,” Shuuichi’s face became serious now, and he looked at me sincerely as he continued, “what he has with Ouma…it’s different. I don’t know how to describe it…Rantaro and I have been together since we were kids and we just like, ended up this way. We met Ouma in high school. And Ouma’s _always_ been really in love with Rantaro. This whole time.”

 

 

“Fuck.”

 

 

“Right?”

 

 

“Does Rantaro love him?”

 

 

“Does Rantaro love _anyone_ , Hajime?” The look Shuuichi was giving me now was another one where I wouldn’t understand it very well until we were older…but it was a rawness. It was Shuuichi’s weakness. Well. One of many. It was his inability to deal with things that had no signs of evidence behind them. Intangible things. The idea of Rantaro loving anyone was intangible. He looked forward down the street as he went on, “Anyway, who gives a fuck about Rantaro. It’s Ouma who needs some kind of stability. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, but…in relationships, partners should take equal responsibility to ensure the other person feels comfortable and wanted, right?”

 

 

“I suppose. It sounds right. I don’t really know though.”

 

 

“Yeah, well that’s because it’s an unattainable ideal for idiots who will never be happy because of their limited expectations of others. Anyway, with Rantaro, and honestly, I imagine Akise too…we~” he motioned his hand, pointing at me and then himself, “~have to be the person pushing things back to equilibrium in order to make shit work…to protect them from themselves.”

 

 

“okaay…” honestly. What the hell do I even say to that? Shuuichi hasn’t gotten high in three hours and he’s like. Going on some kind of existential rant right now. “What does that have to do with Ouma?”

 

 

“Hmmph.” Shuuichi’s smile turned into something like…a smug bastard. Shuuichi knows he’s smart and it’s kind of beautiful. “Rantaro likes Ouma far more than he’ll admit. Both of us really. But with Ouma…I know he needs more time to feel secure I guess?”

 

 

 _“How can you be that considerate? Don’t you feel…jealous?”_ I couldn’t help it, even I could hear he shrillness in my voice and my face must have been shocked because Shuuichi was laughing at me, like he always seems to do when I can’t deal with how fucking strange this boy’s life is.

 

 

“I’m going this way, good night ha-ji-me.” He turned to hug me and in a broken voice near my ear, he said so quietly that I could feel the hollowness in every syllable. “Of course it hurts.”

 

 

Then he turned with that same fake smile and fucking skipped away. Towards Manami’s dorm.

 

 

Something inside me was twisting uncomfortably around my feelings about our whole conversation. It felt like a bad taste in my mouth and my chest was really hurting as I made my way back home.

 

 

It kind of vanished when I found Ibuki passed out in front of my door. Even earlier it was obvious that she hadn’t slept the night before and god knows what fucking Souda and his parents put her through after we split up this afternoon.

 

 

“Ibuki.” I said, brushing her black and silver bangs back a little, poking her cheek until she started to wake up. She smiled and told me to fuck off and I laughed a little, helping her stand up. I let us in and she collapsed on my bed.

 

 

“Hajimeee…I’m in love with Miiikaaaann!” She wailed miserably, head hanging off the side of the bed and the heels of her giant army boots banging Souda’s wall. _Ah. Here it is_.

 

 

I tossed sweats and a t-shirt at her and turned around to pack us a fatty because. _Yeah. It’s going to be a long night_.

 

 

“Hajime. Are you listening?”

 

 

“Ibuki. Are you dressed?”

 

 

“Yeah dumbass.” She retorted, but it was just the way she talked to me after all these years. I turned smiling and handed her the fresh bowl. And it was some good shit. From Angie. Like purple and crystally and dank as fuck.

 

 

We got high and she moaned out a total monologue that I had heard at least six times in the last year, mostly while she cried on my lap in a corner at parties.

 

 

It was always the same. Ibuki was vag over heels in love with this fragile and probably mentally unstable girl who never gave her a straight answer. Ibuki was just a booty call for her and it hurts because at our age…I don’t know. We’re breaking down so many misconceptions every day in our minds…and one of those has to do with autonomy being sacred and whatnot. Like respecting what people choose to do and not do with their bodies. But it leaves a lot of room for anguish because when you’re in love…

 

 

Even though this conversation has happened so many times, this is the first time where what Ibuki is saying is really getting to me.

 

 

And it’s all because of Komaeda. _Fuck my life_.

 

 

“Ibuki.” I interrupt her rant and hand her a bottle of rum from the fridge. I had jacked several things from the cleanup earlier and I’m not sorry. Tomorrow is fucking Sunday and I don’t want to think about Komaeda. Ibuki doesn’t want to think about Mikan either so we get wasted.

 

 

Like really wasted. We turned my room into a giant fucking pillow fort and played rocket league for two hours straight. I freaking hate how good she is at it.

 

 

Souda showed up with a magnificent shiner and climbed into the fort with us and laid face down, only moving after I packed another bowl and handed it to him.

 

 

“Is this my mom’s rum?” Souda said, turning the bottle in his hand. Ibuki laughed first and I couldn’t _not_ laugh either. “this is expensive, you bastard, what the hell.” He hit the bong then, like dusting the entire fucking bowl and when he slowly exhaled the entire fort was suddenly hotbox defcon level zero. So of course we continued to fill it up even more.

 

 

“My dad fucking hit me.” Souda said eventually and Ibuki and I exchanged a look like, _‘no shit.’_

 

 

“Did you learn anything from it?” I was teasing Souda now and he squinted at me.

 

 

“From what?”

 

 

“From getting hit?”

 

 

“My dad’s a giant dick?”

 

 

Ibuki and I burst into laughter. She grabbed a frozen burrito from my freezer and pressed it into Souda’s cheek, making him yelp.

 

 

Souda sucks ass at video games so we decided to watch fucking Stranger Things where we had to take a shot every time someone says or does a particular thing. We gave Souda the condition of Joyce saying “Will” since he was still relatively sober and hadn’t seen it before. He had to take two shots if she was yelling the kid’s name so he got fucking bombed. Mine was every time a twelve year old said a swear word and Ibuki’s was every time Steve “looked gay or hot.” This was her self-imposed one way ticket to knocking back a whole fifth by the time the sun was coming up and all three of us were taking turns puking in my tiny bathroom.

 

 

Souda eventually migrated to his own room to sleep and Ibuki took my bed while I slept in the remnants of the pillow fort on the floor. The sun was shining right through the blinds directly above where I was lying and for a moment I thought about that first dream I had of Komaeda. How could I not? The sheet over my head was stained white with bright sunlight. I actually curled into myself. I hadn’t thought about him in hours for the first time since I met him and picturing him now…missing him now. Yea. This is my life now. Thinking about Komaeda fucking Nagito as soon as I wake up. Every single day.

 

 

I was fucked up though so I fell asleep again quickly and when I woke up it was late afternoon and Ibuki was letting herself in…fucking angel had gone out to get us bagels and gigantic smoothies. She thanked me for listening to her ‘baggage’ last night and we got high and ate a bunch and watched rick and morty all day in our fucked up pillow fort. She left in the evening to go practice with her band and I threw myself into a long overdue shower.

 

 

_What the fuck am I doing?_

 

 

I had showered, but I just shut the water off and sat on the floor there next to the drain and reached into my clothes to pull out a cig. I sat there naked and smoked it, ashing on the wet tiles.

 

 

There had only been one person on my mind all day. And I hadn’t heard from him all weekend.

 

 

I’m not going to cry….I just feel bewildered? No. It’s deeper than that, and it does hurt.

 

 

I want to see him.

 

 

I want to see Komaeda.

 

 

I rinsed all the ashes down the drain thinking about how tile floors all belong to Komaeda forever.

 

 

I was drifting in and out of sleep, holding my journal up and dropping it over and over. Turning the pages and sinking myself back there. All these happy things, crystal clear in my mind. It’s really fucking weird when you think about it. But I’m so sleepy.

 

 

And lonely.

 

 

_How has he done this to me?_

 

 

I try not to think about how all of this is changing me as a person at the speed of light and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just happening. Because of him.

 

 

I finally have the sense to just shut the fucking light off and collapse on my pillows already. But then my phone goes off right as I switch the light off.

 

 

I know it’s him. Of course it’s him.

 

 

And it is.

 

 

Komaeda: _can you come over tomorrow? like to have dinner and spend the night?_

 

 

I typed my response without putting any thought into it at all and kind of wanted to die.

 

 

Sent: _i will be there *as soon* as my last class ends. 5ish…_

 

 

 _Shit_. Well that doesn’t sound desperate at all, Hajime--

 

 

Komaeda: [jpg loading]

 

 

_Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck._

 

 

Oh my fucking god. The picture loaded.

 

 

Well, Komaeda. God damn. _Why are you like this?_

 

 

_Why are you so fucking perfect?_

 

 

It was just his waist and hips, hanging off his low mattress. A white shirt riding up. Tight black jeans, low on bony hips. A line of skin exposed. That unfairly soft belly of his.

 

 

But most unfair of all…his hand, right there between his legs, palm pressed into his jeans.

 

 

The sound I made was obscene and echoed off the walls and yeah. Komaeda did this to me. He’s _doing_ this to me. I don’t want him to ever stop.

 

 

Sent: _v nice_

 

Komaeda: :3

 

Sent: _ballsack smiley ftw_

 

Komaeda: :333 _see u tomorrow_

Komaeda: _i really miss you a lot_

 

 

I fucking squealed ok. I had cocooned myself in my blanket by now and I’m just rolling around squealing like a five year old on christmas morning. Because of this boy. This fucking boy.

 

 

I wanted to make him squirm.

 

 

Sent: _please take care of me_.

 

 

And that was it. I passed out smiling like an idiot.

 

 

Class was that same thing it had been the day we met up for lunch and made out in that nasty alley. My palms were sweating and time was dragging like a motherfucker.

 

 

This too was something I never went through before meeting Komaeda. These fucking nerves that made time flow erratically. My grades might go to shit this quarter.

 

 

That picture was fucking dangerous too. I kept staring at it in my lap under my desk, over and over, all day.

 

 

I had woken up ten minutes after my first class started so I literally threw clothes on and booked it…and then when I checked my phone in class it was apparently the last thing I had looked at. Like right there on my desk as soon as I opened my phone and I almost had a heart attack.

 

 

There’s no way this picture was not a dude touching his dick. And I’m pretty sure at least _several_ people saw it, especially since I yelped and my phone went flying, clacking onto the floor two rows down. A girl bent down to pick it up and when she handed it back to me she had an expression like she was desperately trying not to laugh. Yea. It sucked.

 

 

But I’m still opening and closing my phone to peek at it like a fucking moron.

 

 

It doesn’t make time go any faster.

 

 

Komaeda’s gonna ruin me.

 

 

He already is.

 

 

Somehow the last hour of being at school is a different kind of torture. I’m just like literally sweating balls and for some reason it had not occurred to me at all since that text but… _are we gonna fuck tonight?_

 

 

There was so much pent up inside of me where Komaeda was concerned. God, I’d pretty much let him do whatever the fuck he wants to do to me.

 

 

And as soon as I think that…I get kind of scared?

 

 

I mean. It’s a big fucking step.

 

 

For me at least.

 

 

The class ends with me leveling with myself that I have zero self control where Komaeda’s concerned. And somehow this realization makes me feel fucking haggard.

 

 

But the nerves are still there, and they’re prickling and suddenly _it’s time_. To go there.

 

 

I literally ran home to shower, taking my resolution about Komaeda with me. I cleaned _everything_ because I’m so fucking weak around him. And I know I won’t want to stop.

 

 

Yes. I am probably getting ahead of myself.

 

 

But also this is Komaeda, ok.

 

 

My mind is just a mess of him dancing on me at that party and the way he looks when his lips are raw and his shirt is sliding down to the floor. How our legs intertwined and he kissed me like he was never going to see me again.

 

 

It’s more than just getting a boner over him now…he’s making me feel all these things that are just knocking me the fuck over because he’s so beautiful.

 

 

_God. I need new clothes like so bad. Whatever. He likes black t-shirts. I think._

 

 

They were getting a little tighter from all the weight lifting and I was seriously wondering if this shirt made me look _too_ gay when I looked in the mirror.

 

 

The entire bus ride there, my heart was beating uncontrollably hard and I kept feeling fluttery inside, like on a shoujo manga level. He had given me all of the door codes and I made my way into his building like this for the first time. Just letting myself into his fucking palace.

 

 

Standing in front of his door, I decided to knock instead of letting myself in. I’ve only been here a couple times before…It seemed more appropria---

 

 

Komaeda opened the door and grabbed my arm, pulling me inside and slammed me against the back of the door. Any words I might have had in surprise were silenced with his lips crashing against mine.

 

 

 _Komaeda_.

 

 

He only had his jeans on and his hair was dripping wet. _You smell so fucking good._

 

 

His hands moved over my shoulders, slipping under my backpack until it fell down behind me. He brought his fingers down my sides and back up under my shirt. _Do you even know what you’re doing to me, Komaeda?_ His hands were cool yet somehow burning my skin…like always. I could barely think straight. So I just held him to me tightly and let him carry me away. He’s good at that. He’s so fucking good at it.

 

 

My breath caught when he moved his soft lips even lower, along my jaw and down my throat…everything about Komaeda is too much. I could feel his fingers running lower, along my waistline to the button of my jeans. I jolted when I felt him pop the button there, and I could feel his breath warm against my neck when he chuckled at the way I flinched.

 

 

 _“Hinata-kun…”_ There it is…my name in his voice like honey and smoke and it makes me feel like I might fall down, even without the whole thing he’s doing right now, looking like a fucking angel and dropping to his knees below me. He’s beaming up at me, brushing his lips on the outline of the severe dent my dick is currently carving out of my pants. _“Can I blow you?”_

 

 

He looks so deviously beautiful…or maybe beautifully devious. I can’t tell. I can’t even answer him properly. Seeing him down there, staring up at me with those green eyes that fucking kill me, darting his tongue out where he opened the button, right along my stomach…the sound that came out of me was something else. It wasn’t even any kind of affirmative, just a strangled, stuttered moan.

 

 

I wonder what he’s seeing down there. Looking back up at me. His eyes went wide for a fraction of a second. I’m not even sure that’s what I just saw.

 

 

If I thought I was going to fall down earlier, then Komaeda sucking me off against his front door was making me feel like I was going to actually die. Lasting with Komaeda swallowing your dick over and over is fucking impossible.

 

 

You know when you have such a dirty thought that you think to yourself that you are definitely going to hell for it? That’s what was happening to me, looking down at Komaeda. My hands had moved down to cup his face and he wasn’t looking away. He was just taking it, holding it, choking on me and doing it again and again. _Hot_. _Tight_. _Wet_.

 

 

I thought, ‘ _your mouth was made for this, Komaeda_.’

 

 

And that was the end of me. I should have jacked off instead of being so fucking emo back in the shower but then again…Komaeda looks fucking gorgeous with little tears in his eyes and come dripping down his chin. If my brain wasn’t already melting down over the feeling of coming or the fact that someone was actually going down on me, then it would definitely have been fucked over the view. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

I swear to god, right after he finished taking every last drop and I felt like my legs were totally going to give out, he literally popped off as a series of beeping noises rang out from the kitchen. Apparently dinner was ready.

 

 

He pointed to the table as he went around the corner to the kitchen, telling me I could smoke if I wanted to while he got things out of the oven.

 

 

I’m not used to just coming and then walking around. I mean. Coming like this is _not_ the same as jacking off. It’s at least ten times more sensitive this way. It’s fucking nuts. And I can’t walk straight. But seeing Komaeda disappear around the corner is just…

 

 

 _Not yet_.

 

 

Feeling overly light headed, I picked up the bong and followed after him. I should have noticed earlier, but the whole house smelled fucking great. Like whatever he was making was causing my mouth to water now. I took a fat hit while watching him take a dish out of the oven and as soon as he set it down, I wrapped my arms around him and gave it to him. He had enough composure to take all of it, but he definitely laughed all of it out, like all over the kitchen. He had an oven mit on one hand and dirty spoon in the other and I wasn’t letting go of him. I just kept kissing him and telling him thank you over and over against every part of his face.

 

 

He smiled at me warmly, pushing me back, telling me that the food was going to get cold and that he needed to find a shirt to put on. That last part made me groan, but I let him go. It was a good opportunity to sneak a tiny bit more food onto his plate.

 

 

Komaeda came sliding back into the kitchen on fluffy socks that pretty much matched the sweater he had thrown on and it was fucking adorable.

 

 

He handed me a beer and I squinted at him while I watched him pour himself a glass of wine. I don’t like wine. I certainly never want to drink wine again after Souda’s party the other night. But I haven’t had this discussion with Komaeda. Not that I recall. The beer is fucking great too, and I’ve never tried this kind before…something about all of this is getting under my skin but I’m not sure what to say. Or if I should say anything. Sometimes I think Komaeda knows me better than I know myself. I should be creeped out but I’m not.

 

 

“Holy shit this is good.” I said, smiling up at him after taking a bite of whatever this thing is that he baked. He smiled back with his glass hanging gracefully in his hand at the edge of his lip…it can’t be fair for one person to be this beautiful.

 

 

“I’m happy you like it…how have you been?” He asks and we’re both kind of trying not to laugh because you think this would have come up somewhere before the whole getting head the moment I got here thing.

 

 

I tell him that school can eat my dick and about Ibuki’s upcoming show. He kind of choked on his food and coughed a bunch when I mentioned Ibuki’s band name, but he just laughed and told me that he thought it was a ‘hilarious choice of words’ when I asked him if he was ok. He laughed his ass off when I told him about how Shuuichi dragged me to Ouma’s salon and how I got my first wax and that it was fucking terrifying. When I went to tell him about Souda and Peko’s party, I kind of froze because I’m just realizing that I haven’t told him that I broke up with Manami yet.

 

 

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said, reaching out to touch my wrist. He looked genuinely concerned and I meet his eyes, trying not to look as messed up as I feel inside right now.

 

 

“I broke up with Manami.”

 

 

I’m not kidding, his eyes went wide with shock and he literally said, “Why?”

 

 

_Fucking ‘why.’_

 

 

 _“Are you kidding me?”_ I say, exasperated, staring at him as I set my beer down. Komaeda has said some maddening shit to me in the short time I have known him, but this has to be the worst so far. _“Was I not supposed to leave the person I’ve been cheating on with you?”_

 

 

_God. What the fuck is wrong with him?_

 

 

But then looking at him, he looks like he’s been stung. I don’t understand. I don’t understand him at all. He looks like he’s going to cry though and that’s the one thing I _know_ I can’t properly deal with. I feel too much for him.

 

 

I slid out of my chair to my knees, pulling his down from where he had them jammed under his chin. I pulled him down closer and pressed my forehead to his. And I waited like that. Until he finally said something.

 

 

I can’t pretend to even try to understand what Shuuichi said the other night, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of it right now. That with Komaeda, I’ll have to do something rather than nothing. Over and over. Because self destruction is something the Amami brothers are fond of.

 

 

Komaeda pulled back a few inches and reached up to hold my cheek. His expression was unreadable, but he didn’t look away.

 

 

“You’re free to do what you want, Hinata-kun.”

 

 

I’m trying to open minded here. Failing though.

 

 

“You said you love me.” Yea. The words are just coming out and I’d generally be super embarrassed to say that except I’m fucking pissed right now. He jolted and turned in my arms, dropping his hand to his lap.

 

 

“I do.” He whispered, and I could see single trails of tears on either side of his face as he refused to look up at me. “That’s why.”

 

 

“Why what?” I never knew I was such an impatient person until I met this asshole.

 

 

“Why you should be… free.” Komaeda raised his voice but he still didn’t look at me. And those silver tears were dripping down now, hitting the backs of his hands in his lap. Making him cry is like the absolute opposite of goals I have in life and I’m not sure what to do. So I just start kissing him. Everywhere. Desperately. Sweeping every tear into my mouth with my lips, telling him that this is all I want. That he’s exactly what I fucking want.

 

 

All of this bullshit probably needs way more mutual discussion but he pisses me off so much and he’s so fucking hot and I can’t think straight again.

 

 

Somehow I ended up straddling him on his chair, right there next to our forgotten meals and ten minutes later, our shirts were off and he was palming at me against my jeans.

 

 

His touch was driving me crazy and I was practically whimpering against his face in my arms when he leaned close to my ear and told me that he wanted to do something for me.

 

 

_Something?_

 

 

He kissed me deeply and gripped my hips, sliding me back off of him. He stood and took my hand to lead me down to his bed. Falling back, it was as soft as I remembered. And it smelled like Komaeda. This smell I love way too much.

 

 

Komaeda climbed over me and I can’t even describe his smile coherently but the fucking molly feeling was coming back and that shouldn’t even be possible. _Like how?_

 

 

At any rate, his smile was killing me on so many levels. Not just his lips, but the way he was looking at me…There are happy smiles. Mischievous ones. Loving ones. This one…it was all of that to an extent, but mostly it was just like Komaeda silently telling me, clear as day that _he knows me_.

 

 

Is it even possible to get high off of a person because---

 

 

“Can I touch you, Hinata-kun?” He said, looking down at me, with one finger playing against my zipper.

 

 

“Please.” Again my words are coming out unfiltered and no one has ever made me feel this way. So fucking impulsive and desperate.

 

 

When he had my pants half way down my hips I belatedly realized that my entire shit was like waxed now. Like in theory, we both know all my pubes got ripped out by Ouma two days ago. But now it’s in the open and Komaeda is just like rubbing his face all over my bare fucking groin and I can’t.

 

 

My face feels super hot and his whole fucking name just comes out in a moan that just. Why is my body like this.

 

 

“Hinata-kun.” He’s got his face resting right against my stomach, looking up at me, tracing one finger down my side along my hip and then right into his mouth. Watching Komaeda suck his own finger for the first time since Ouma’s party is fucking me up inside. I could watch him do that for hours. He slowly pulled his finger out of his mouth and trailed it down inside my thigh. _I’m fucking shivering_. “Can I touch you here?”

 

 

I felt his finger slipping lower and curving around, pressing into my bare skin.

 

 

“I told you, didn’t I?” I said, tilting my head and smirking a little. _“please take care of me.”_

 

 

Recognition flashed across Komaeda’s face and I swear to god he bit his lip and his face lit up… _adorably_. It was the last thing I had texted him yesterday.

 

 

Komaeda’s finger slid further back until it was there. He still had his head flat against my stomach and the sensation made my back arch up off the bed. I heard him chuckle that gorgeous sound that is his fucking laugh and he waited for me to relax again before moving his finger in a tiny circle against me…it was still wet from his lips and given everything I’ve tried alone since Shuuichi took me to that Sex Up place…well. There’s no precedent for what he’s making me feel with a single finger that isn’t even in me right now.

 

 

Komaeda is changing my fucking religion.

 

 

I mean. I think he’s making me addicted to sex. Probably.

 

 

He lifted his body to hover over me at the entire length of his straightened arm and I could see all of him there above me. His hair was hanging down over his shoulders and his eyes wouldn’t let me go. They’re so fucking beautiful and _he knows me_.

 

 

My mind was falling apart under him. Under his beauty and the way all I could feel was the tip of his finger, circling around and around. Pausing and pressing and then going back to moving.

 

 

There are a lot of ways that I should be alarmed at how my world has changed on a psychedelic level since meeting Komaeda. The dreams. The whole getting high as fuck without even taking anything. This bizarre level of connection right now. The unjustified pleasure. But all I can feel myself doing is throwing myself towards all of it. Without any sense of caution.

 

 

He messes me up to a point where I know I love him. Even if it’s hard to process in my ‘right state of mind.’ When we’re alone, and he’s touching me…it feels like Komaeda is my fucking _home_ and I never want him to stop.

 

 

Part of how he’s changing me is realizing that I had no fucking clue what love even was before this. I feel like I’m drowning and there’s this constant sense that this flood is deeper and more ceaseless than I can imagine. As long as I can see him…as long as I can be with him, it’s going to go on and on. This feeling of being overwhelmed and falling deeper and deeper into him.

 

 

 _“Komaeda…please.”_ I breathed out, brokenly. Far too wrecked for what we were doing. I wanted more. He smiled, one side of his mouth pulling up as he leaned down to kiss me. He’s taking my fucking breath away. It’s deep and slow and he tastes like wine but it’s faint and sweet and I like it. Because it’s his taste. The way Komaeda tastes.

 

 

He pulled back, sitting up on his knees between my legs, and he reached back to the shelf next to his bed. His hand disappeared out of view and when he pulled it back, there were beads of pearly gel on the tips of his fingers. Leaning down again, he hovered right over my face and asked me, “Are you sure?”

 

 

I thought about it for a moment.

 

 

“Just…fingers…” I said nervously, looking back up at him, watching his face turn to warmth.

 

 

“Mm.” He hummed simply and he moved to lie next to me on the bed, pulling me close to him. Gracefully, he reached down and pulled my leg up over his waist, kissing my throat and adding a completely embarrassing, “it looks nice down here” as he ran his finger all the way back around me.

 

 

I felt him spreading one of the beads of lubricant around my skin there and it made me gasp. It was cold but mostly it was that his finger was back…touching me. Making chills run down my back in the most cliché way imaginable.

 

 

“Hinata-kun,” **_uggghhhh_** …the different ways he says my name in that hot voice. Just. _I’m already trying not to die, Komaeda_. He shifted even closer to me, bringing his mouth up to pull my earlobe between his teeth, licking along the edge and pressing in slightly with his finger. Not enough to enter…just enough to increase the pressure. Enough to cause my body to unconsciously react by arching into him.

 

 

At this angle, my dick grinded right into his stomach and I didn’t even realize that I was this hard. I could feel precum dripping down between our skin and I had to try really hard to just fucking relax and stop moving.

 

 

“Hinata-kun.” He repeated himself and I looked up at him. He looked _unfairly_ _innocent_ when he went on, “I’m going to edge you.”

 

 

“What?” _What is that?_

 

 

“You’ll see.” Again, mental alarms should have been going off but I was too far gone at this point. I just wanted him inside me.

 

 

He gave me that and more.

 

 

He fluidly replaced his finger with the next one with more of the pearly lube…finally pressing in and my self control went out the window. I pulled him close and whispered over his shoulder. “You can…you don’t have to…go slow.”

 

 

He kissed my cheek, pulling back to lie there next to me, watching my face the whole time he slowly pressed into me. I was used to this feeling by now and I think he was surprised at that.

 

 

“Hinata-kun…do you do this when you’re alone?” he said playfully, smirking at me. I guess me looking away was answer enough because  he let out one long amused hum before biting my neck and curling his finger.

 

 

 _Motherfucker_.

 

 

First times are supposed to be awkward and painful. But _this is Komaeda_ and how do I even deserve this?

 

 

He uncurled his finger, pulling out slowly as he moved his body down, running his lips down my chest and stomach. Each soft kiss burning me. Again I had to try so fucking hard not to move. To just let him do this.

 

 

 _“You’re so tight here,”_ he whispered against my stomach as he moved the tip of his finger in a small circle inside me. I ended up moaning out my frustration at not being able to move, especially after hearing that. “You feel amazing, Hinata-kun.”

 

 

He continued to lower his face until I could feel his lips moving around the head of my dick, just messily smearing precum against his mouth. When he finally rolled his tongue around and took me in a bit, his finger moved again, curling in against my nerves as his lips sunk down to the base of my dick. And that’s how he continued to drive me mad, over and over. If I hadn’t come less than an hour ago I would be right now, uncontrollably.

 

 

 _I’m gonna come. There’s no way_ …my mind was starting to go blank. It was too much at once and again, fucking nothing in comparison to what I had been doing to myself at home.

 

 

His mouth was driving me fucking crazy and his finger was doing things that…he shouldn’t even know how to do.

 

 

Not even a minute later, Komaeda had me writhing on him and in him and I’m probably crying out complete nonsense but everything is going blank. I could feel it building up in the pit of my stomach. In my balls. An electric sensitivity that was about to snap.

 

 

And faster than I could even understand, he pulled his finger out and lifted himself back up to look me in the eye.

 

 

“Don’t come.”

 

 

“Whaatt??”

 

 

_Too fucking late, Ko---_

 

 

He grabbed my dick with such a firm grip that I fucking sobbed. And tears were running down my face into the mattress as he just held onto me like this.

 

 

 _What the fuck is it with him and doing this to me?_ Except this time was _much_ worse than the time on Ouma’s bathroom floor.

 

 

This time there was no relief. This is what he meant by edging.

 

 

“Does it hurt?” He asked me softly next to my ear.

 

 

“Of course it hurts.” I said bitterly.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Hinata-kun.” I felt him pull me closer to him but there was no loosening of his grip below. Around me. Restricting me.

 

 

 _“Are you?”_ I retorted, feeling like I was having a miniature fever from the pain. I felt hot and cold and just like, covered in sweat and my breathing still hadn’t slowed down.

 

 

Komaeda pressed his forehead against mine and it felt blessedly cool against my skin. “I _am_.” He chuckled softly, still not letting go of me. “But I also know that even though it hurts right now, it’s going to feel really good for you when you do come next time.”

 

 

I hummed, skeptically. I know he knows about these things though and there’s some sick part of me that is actually getting off in this pain and this fucking submission. And I swear to god, he knows this.

 

 

He’s doing things to me again. Changing me more. Wrapping me fully around him, every part of me.

 

 

He laughed again and after a few more minutes, coming down out of the euphoria and pain, he pulled me up to go finish our dinner.

 

 

After, we got high, and he did the same thing to me again. On the couch in front of a movie neither of us gave a fuck about. He held me under the blanket, making a mess of me only to tell me not to come at the very end again.

 

 

 _“What, whyy?”_ When he said _‘when you come next time’_ what exactly did he mean by that?

 

 

“It’s what I said. I promise you’ll like this, Hinata-kun. Eventually.”

 

 

Beautifully devious. I just groaned loudly and clung to him until all of it faded again.

 

 

The worst part about this? I _know_. I fucking know I could be like, ‘this is bullshit, I want to come’ and he would be like, ‘ok, Hinata-kun.’ And then I’d probably never catch him being selfish about anything ever again. Looking at his face, there’s no way he doesn’t know this too.

 

 

And the weird part about this is that it makes me trust him so much? The weird pangs of euphoria I get around him are fucking me up. Just like the dreams. There’s an unwarranted depth I feel with Komaeda and it feels dangerous and beautiful at the same time.

 

 

We ended up wearing pajamas to bed again and making out until the sun was coming up and I was seriously worried about how Komaeda would get through work the next day. With barely any sleep.

 

 

He finally fell asleep on my chest and again I had the thought that this should feel stifling but it doesn’t. It feels right. Warm and comfortable. Even though he’s fucking drooling on me. I don’t know how long I stared at his face, but it’s the last thing I remember seeing before I finally passed out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cinderella from the Gardens of Slaughter is the name of a book komaru and touko find in udg
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> Chapter 9 preview:
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> _Despite what you’d like to believe, the memories of your previous life are more like how a person remembers their life to have been, rather than a complete and unbiased record._
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> _The memories are just there in natural gaps of varying intensity. They are subject to your very own brand of forgetfulness somewhere before you literally lost your mind to dementia._
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>  
> 
> _It’s almost comical how this isn’t an omnipotent existence at all, it’s just that your slate was left bloody and dirtied prior to your entrance._


	9. secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  Saionji led the very impolite march through the crowd, pulling them all along with her in a handheld line where honestly everyone was too drunk to care about like, stepping over entire seated families and physically pushing through epic gaggles of fanboys. And…fandads apparently, which Shuuichi could not stop pterodactyl screeching about the entire way to the front.
> 
>  
> 
> Sakura had Aoi on one shoulder and Ouma on the other and there was no way this show was going to go down without both of them flinging their shirts at the stage or something equally inappropriate.  
> .  
> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly apologize for the long wait. this chapter actually starts the second arc of this story so i hope you like it!

 

 

Chapter 9 – Secrets

 

 

 

Hinata woke with blurry eyes and a fair amount of blinking at the daylight filling the glass apartment.

 

 

A silhouette caught in his vision and two blinks later, a smile washed over his face at how Komaeda was struggling to get his shoe on.

 

 

 _Cute_.

 

 

It was the same outfit from when they first met. The same wild hair and easy smile. It was almost an affront to take in these feelings right when he woke up.

 

 

“Good morning.” Komaeda said smiling as he very unjustly straddled Hinata, pushing his head right back into the pillows below him.

 

 

Hinata’s blush was more beautiful than any sunrise ever as far as Komaeda Nagito was concerned.

 

 

It was like Hinata’s body remembered what happened last night before his sleepy mind and it was an utter shame, Komaeda thought as he pulled his bottom lip away from between Hinata’s teeth. He hung his head, not covering his sigh at all.

 

 

“I’m sorry, I have to go to work now.”

 

 

“Oh.” Hinata started moving. Like _away_. _Nooo, no no_.

 

 

Komaeda almost too reflexively knocked the boy’s knees back together where he was still pinned under the blanket. But his face looked pure when Hinata looked up to see a syllable form on Komaeda’s lips.

 

 

 _“Stay?”_ Komaeda’s voice already had marvelous shades of breathy desperation but this one was just sad.

 

 

“What, you mean while you’re at work all day?” Hinata supposes he didn’t have to add the squeaky ‘all day’ part, but fuck, he’s still half asleep and Komaeda’s trying to _leave_.

 

 

The other boy flopped onto his back next to him and Hinata burrowed under the duvet to roll over and stare at him with only his eyes peeking out. When Komaeda side eyed him with the back of one hand over his forehead, a soft laugh came out at the sight of this green-eyed teenager waiting for an answer to such a fucking rhetorical question.

 

 

Komaeda propped his head up on his side, letting his other hand literally prance over towards Hinata’s face where he pulled back the blanket enough to stuff one finger right into the boy’s mouth.

 

 

A smile pulled at Komaeda’s lips and he knew it was inappropriate but whatever. Hinata’s eyes were wide and _really_ looking at him now. _Ahhhh_.

 

 

Komaeda also knew to speak before Hinata could reach his what the fuck phase of understanding.

 

 

“Yes, all day. Until I get back…If you want to.” They both knew he didn’t have classes today and Komaeda let his finger dance circles on Hinata’s tongue, only pulling it away when the boy actually began to suck it.

 

 

It was sort of this unspoken thing, even this early in their relationship…that if Hinata asked him to stay, well. He would. Obviously. Like Komaeda really gave a fuck about Togami when it came down to his priorities in life. But appearances are appearances and the older boy doesn’t even know if he shoved his finger in his mouth simply to wake Hinata up enough to push him away.

 

 

This time, Hinata flopped onto his back and let out a sigh of his own. This resignation to temporary separation filled the space between them but there were still very nearly twenty kisses before Komaeda made his way out the door with especially disheveled hair.

 

 

Hinata made a kind of smug expression as he rubbed a fingertip along a new welt across his shoulder blade that would turn into a bloody scratch in no time. Hinata let himself into Komaeda’s soft bed, rolling into the blankets before falling back into a much needed undisturbed sleep.

 

 

It was early afternoon when Hinata woke up again. Before he opened his eyes, he reached up over his shoulder to feel a tiny line of little scabs where Komaeda had scratched him this morning. It wasn’t that he was reminding himself that this was real. It was just his arms instinctively wrapping around himself. That sort of thing happened when you were prone to having endless disrespectful dreams about the person you love.

 

 

At least he didn’t have to change the sheets this time. _Thank **god**. Shit._

 

 

Hinata’s face almost split open from smiling at the lunch Komaeda had prepared and left in the fridge for him. He now seriously wondered if Komaeda was holding back with like. His cooking skills or whatever. It was like each meal kept tasting better and better every time.

 

 

 _Everything with him gets better and better every time_.

 

 

Being home alone in a mansion would bring out shameful behaviors in most people. Or Hinata tells himself as he jacks off in the giant tub on the terrace in broad daylight. He seriously thinks that he has no idea why he’s doing it when he clamps down on himself in the last moment. It’s insanity. He’s so pent up.

 

 

 _This is ridiculous_.

 

 

Still, Hajime Hinata is stubborn as balls, and while his are aching very much, coming alone feels like cheating or some shit. Even though…even though Komaeda didn’t like expressly forbid him, at ALL, Hinata curls into himself while biting his finger, holding everything in, even his sad whimpers.

 

 

 _It’s not so bad_ , he tells himself, when the water has gone cold twice over and he’s smoked an entire eighth while turning into a giant prune.

 

 

Hinata reasons that after the initial (giant) disappointment and (epic) pain of cutting off his orgasm, it’s not so bad. The meme of the denial-dog in the cafe on fire flashes through his mind for probably the thousandth time in the last three weeks since he met Komaeda. _This is fine. I’m fine._

 

 

At any rate, no amount of marijuana or existential musings about Komaeda would save him from having to write a paper today. It had been in the back of his mind all day and the self-reminding in his head was getting a bit panicked.

 

 

Komaeda had told him that he could use his laptop and when Hinata sat in front of it at the low table in the living room, he saw a printer had appeared on the shelf across from him. He smiled to himself at Komaeda’s thoughtfulness. It wasn’t even surprising anymore.

 

 

Now, Hajime Hinata was not a nosy person. Except he _was_. _Privately_. And he had Komaeda’s laptop in his hands right now. Looking here was probably just as bad as smelling and rubbing his face all over everything in Komaeda’s closet.

 

 

_Which I totally **didn’t** do just now._

_I also definitely did not lick his fucking shoe._

 

 

The hard drive was suspiciously devoid of anything remotely incriminating, let alone _personal_. The only things on it were music, movies and a few photos. All of the photos were from their trip and Hinata belatedly realized that the desktop background was the ferns where they had stood under the misting waterfall.

 

 

Komaeda’s taste in both music and film were fucking impeccable and Hinata made an annoyed ‘tch’ sound after enough scrolling through the collection had proved this to him.

 

 

Several hours later, surrounded by empty beer bottles and an ashtray full of butts, Hinata stretched his legs under the table and flung his head back onto the couch. The sigh he let out was almost too tired to be considered in any way triumphant. But he was done.

 

 

 _Fuck yea, bitch_.

 

 

Hinata attempted and failed and gave up on joint rolling while the sound of his paper printing emanated from the shelf across from him.

 

 

It was one of those copier printers. Hinata grabbed his paper and almost as an afterthought, he reached back to lift the tray. The curiosity was small and innocent and extremely likely to amount to nothing…but there was a single sheet of paper, face down. As if it had been copied and left there for god knows how long.

 

 

Hinata flipped it over and took it with him back to the couch. He tossed his printed paper to the side and gripped the sheet with both hands. It looked like a copy of a journal entry or something. And the writing looked a hell of a lot like Komaeda’s writing, based on the hand-written notes he had left here and there to let Hinata know where things were.

 

 

The date in the upper corner was nearly five years ago. Under it was a small note: _Holy fucking cross ‘hospice’_

 

 

Ignoring it, Hinata read on.

 

 

_Imagine preordinately knowing the realistically harsh answer to every lie you’re ever told as a child._

_You know everything from how santa isn’t real to how babies are made. You know about how life isn’t a bowl of cherries let alone anything with a semblance to the concept of fairness._

_You even know about how hierarchies merge into kyriarchies and how this, along with people’s general stupidity is the reason behind the world’s unfairness._

_You’re more interested in books than toys. From the time you can fucking walk. And definitely not the kind babies should be interested in reading._

_You fucking know that you’re queer. Firmly, without question. Not like it was a terribly awkward situation for you last time. But this time it’s even less so._

_You appreciate your parents that died. You really love your second chance with your dog that died. But no matter how hard you try, they still leave you, dying right on schedule. Each of them in a very different manner than before, but it literally changes nothing._

_And even though the events and internal translation of your previous tragic life gave you all of these answers, you wonder if you would have been better off not knowing any of these things. _

_Even though you have an even worse disdain of the normalcy of others than you did before, you almost ache for the innate ignorance that shaped you into such a mindset last time._

_You miss the way your hard won ideals slowly came into view, shaping your former sense of autonomy through the shedding of that nascent innocence. The things that led to dictating your very personality and most of the actions you took…back there. In that place._

Hinata was completely lost and overwhelmed and fucking crying a little for some god awful reason. Even if his mind was elsewhere, his body was already back at the printer, making a copy for himself to keep.

 

 

Satisfied that the original was exactly where he left it, he went to read it again but the sound of Komaeda entering the key code at the door left him wiping his face off with one arm while _stuffing_ the copy deep into his backpack.

 

 

He didn’t have a chance to even think about the thing he just read. Komaeda was back, and he looked gorgeous, and he had dinner in one hand and Hinata’s ass in the other…and _Hinata_ had about nine beer bottles to pick up off the living room floor.

 

 

They were still there the next day though, because Komaeda didn’t give Hajime a chance to think about anything but him until the middle of the night once again.

 

 

It wasn’t until the middle of class on Wednesday that Hinata had a chance to really think about what he was reading. He had the copy in his hands and had read it at least five times since class began.

 

 

It was written in the second person. _Intimately_. Like this voice was speaking directly to him. Hinata wasn’t an expert but he was pretty sure this was fiction of some sort. Like some kind of weird nonsensical _sad ass_ alt lit poetry.

 

 

But at the same time, the words tore into his heart. He told himself over and over that it didn’t make sense, that it wasn’t real. But the feeling in his chest was very much real and it disturbed him to no end.

 

 

He also felt like the things he needed to keep hidden just kept piling up since he met Komaeda. What he had kept hidden from Manami. Komaeda’s name. The sex toy shit in his drawer. His dream journal. And now this. This single piece of paper that made absolutely no sense.

 

 

Komaeda asked him to come over again that night. He met Hinata at the bus stop by his apartment with an umbrella because it was raining. The happiness that swelled in both of them had them gripping their fingers together around the handle as they pulled it low enough to conceal a kiss on the sidewalk that was far from innocent in intent.

 

 

Per usual, the walk, the elevator ride, the distance to his front door…Hinata was hungrily pulling on Komaeda’s clothes and his lips wouldn’t leave him alone no matter how much they stumbled.

 

 

Even the laughing as they spilled into the apartment was something that felt so comforting and familiar now. It was really beautiful.

 

 

Again Komaeda made an amazing dinner and had an amazing time of showing Hinata most of the joys of an actual vibrator.

 

 

Everything up until the younger boy was about to come below him. Hinata was flushed and panting and pleading.

 

 

_But you’re such a good boy._

 

 

This time, Hinata stopped _himself_ and Komaeda thought that the painful whimpering was as erotic as any of the other sounds he had made tonight.

 

 

Hinata didn’t move from where he had curled onto his side, breathing heavily. Komaeda wrapped his long frame around him completely, wiping Hinata’s sweat soaked hair back off his forehead.

 

 

“Do you wanna shower?” Komaeda whispered into the back of his neck and Hinata’s answer was more than a little annoyed.

 

 

 _“Alone?”_ He whispered back harshly and it was barely a question. Komaeda whistled under his breath but didn’t let Hinata go. He knew what the boy was referring to. They hadn’t talked about it, but it was something that had become quite clear over the last two nights that Hinata had been getting his boxers ripped off in this bed.

 

 

No matter how Hinata reached and pulled at Komaeda’s waistline, the boy hadn’t removed his pants even once. Showering together was also out of the question for some reason. Obviously there _were_ _reasons_. But they hadn’t talked about it in words. It was just gently redirecting Hinata with his hands as needed and deliberately ruining him so he’d temporarily forget how fucking one sided all of this was.

 

 

Bare chest to sweat covered back, they laid there for several minutes before Komaeda offered a meek reply, “Just not yet…it has to be slow. I guess.”

 

 

 _“You guess?”_ Hinata hissed as he flung himself out of the sheets and Komaeda’s arms to sit up, facing away from him. Nothing about any of this had been slow.

_He is such a fucking hypocrite._

 

 

Komaeda wasn’t helping at all though. He was just propped up where he had followed in Hinata’s wake towards the edge of the mattress. He was looking down and not saying a word in his defense or about fucking anything going on right now. Hinata’s head was spinning.

 

 

A thought crossed his mind and he turned to the other boy, reaching down to pull his chin up to face him. Komaeda looked as depressed as Hinata imagined he would no matter what his reason was. But Hinata was afraid now.

 

 

“Is…is there like…um. Fuck.” Hinata was faltering into a whisper and couldn’t maintain Komaeda’s gaze. He bit his lip and looked back up to focus somewhere near Komaeda’s pretty, _pretty_ lips. “…Is there something wrong with your dick?”

 

 

He met Komaeda’s very surprised eyes and before the white haired boy could speak, Hinata went on in a frantic whisper ramble, “It’s ok, really. I don’t care. If it’s crooked or small or you have syphilis, I really don’t give a fuck--”

 

 

Hinata was cut off by an enormous bout of completely inappropriate laughter below him. Komaeda had fallen onto his back and had his whole face behind his hands, miserably failing to hold back his laughing.

 

 

“Jesus christ, you’re an asshole, you know that?” Hinata said gently, pouting. Komaeda smiled and pulled him down into a kiss that let them both know where they stood with each other.

 

 

They got up the next morning to have breakfast together before Komaeda had to work and Hinata had to get to class.

 

 

Tentatively, with a full bite of toast in his mouth, Hinata asked Komaeda about something that had been bothering him about those ‘closets’ in the back hallway.

 

 

“What is that keypad back there?” Hinata didn’t even gesture or look towards the hallway.

 

 

“Oh. It’s an office. Do you want to see it?” Komaeda didn’t wait for a reply; he got up from the table, grabbing Hinata’s wrist and led him back to the locked door. Hinata swallowed his toast as Komaeda entered a code on the keypad and pulled the door open.

 

 

It was a simple space with very little light unlike everywhere else in the apartment.

 

 

“There are some sensitive documents from work in here so I keep the door locked, but yea. This is it.”

 

 

Hinata looked around. It was just a basic office. A desk, a chair, a computer and bookshelves full of books and binders. However, in the center of one of the shelves, there was a locked glass case filled with at least fifty of the same kind of hand bound journals Komaeda had on the camping trip.

 

 

His eyes went wide at the thought of exactly how much this boy wrote with a fucking pen and paper in his life. And it was even more of a trip to think about what kinds of crazy shit he had probably written in each of them.

 

 

It was almost too clean. Like Komaeda had been prepared for this. To happily show him that there’s nothing suspicious going on here. Which made it seem even more suspicious in Hinata’s eyes. But neither of them said anything about it as they went on with their days.

 

 

Parting was always a flurry of making out and an _‘I can’t wait to see you later’_ that seemed so much more secure than it had a week ago. Later meant soon now. And Hinata was internally ecstatic about this. He’d be coming back for the third night in a row.

 

 

Shuuichi poked fun at Hajime’s ridiculous smiling at lunch.

 

 

“What? I can’t help it. It feels like we’re fucking dating now.”

 

 

“Hmm. So the actually-maybe-dating part is why you’re smiling so much?”

 

 

Hinata then choked on his chocolate milk and Shuuichi laughed at him even more.

 

 

Shuuichi looked at him sincerely and tilted his head to say, “I’m happy for you, Hajime.”

 

 

Like good fucking lord there were many things that pulled uncomfortably on the back of Hinata’s mind whenever time allowed for it. Like whenever Komaeda wasn’t around.

 

 

Looking back at Shuuichi, Hinata bit his straw in the repetitive thought that maybe he and Komaeda should call each other by their first names at this point? Fingers had been put in holes and such. Hinata came down his throat. Weren’t they past the last name basis?

 

 

Hinata didn’t know which was scarier at this point. Telling Komaeda that he loved him or calling him Nag-i-to.

 

 

 _Noooo. Not yet_.

 

 

He felt like he was drowning in embarrassment at the thought of either of those even though he pretty much had no problem dropping his pants and spreading his legs in front of the other boy. Among other things.

 

 

 

 _I wanna see his dick_.

 

 

 

This was another repetitive thought Hajime was having lately. At all times. During class and tests and basketball practice and getting high with his friends and falling asleep in Komaeda’s arms.

 

 

He knew it was there. He felt it, hard behind his jeans so many times since that first night. It had to be nice. Komaeda’s dick might as well have been deified in Hinata’s mind by this point.

 

 

It couldn’t be helped though. Hajime of all people espoused the ideal that you have to fucking respect what your partner wants and doesn’t want.

 

 

 _It’s so unfair though_.

 

 

It was unfair but he swallowed it down.

 

 

_Slow, huh?_

 

 

Another thing literally fluttering through this boy was the way he kept falling more and more for Komaeda. It was blowing his mind 25/8.

 

 

Komaeda who loved him. Komaeda who probably cherished him enough to say that.

 

 

Hinata tried not to think too much about the five year age gap and how that implied that Komaeda probably definitely saw other naked women than his fucking grandma.

 

 

Everything about Komaeda screamed in no uncertain terms that he knew exactly what he was doing when it came to…sex stuff.

 

 

Hinata receives stares from the students seated around him when he momentarily forgets where he is and pulls at his hair while growling. He apologizes profusely and still gets kicked out by the lecturer.

 

 

 _Whatever, prick_.

 

 

It’s not like Hinata was paying attention to anything at school today anyway, he might as well have stayed home.

 

 

 _Or at Komaeda’s_.

 

 

Hinata skips everything for the rest of his day to go over to the place that actually feels like home for the first time since he moved here.

 

 

Throwing his backpack somewhere he doesn’t even care, Hinata strips while walking across the room to Komaeda’s shower. He covers himself in everything Komaeda uses. He loves the smell more than he can describe and there’s a warmth building inside him that he is actively high off of.

 

 

It’s not sexual at all. The shower feels like wrapping himself in an invisible baby blanket. It’s like nothing he’s ever felt and he is very much addicted.

 

 

He didn’t have a word for this feeling before coming here either. Depression.

 

 

Hinata wanted to just sleep. But he waters the plants. Because Komaeda will be home in less time than it would take him to fall asleep anyway.

 

 

Komaeda left him a joint and Hinata smokes it while dancing around with a watering can and the newly discovered sound system is turned up loud enough to be heard from the street for sure.

 

 

Komaeda thinks it’s absolutely hilarious when he finds Hinata like this when he walks in. Even though this is gloriously unexpected, Komaeda can already tell…

 

 

 _Something happened today_.

 

 

But it’s too uncomfortable to ask him about so Komaeda just grabs the can and the joint and Hinata’s hands while kissing the shit out of him all at once. And they twirl like that, can bouncing away across the terrace, shotgunning and footworking…laughing and just not facing reality at all right now.

 

 

Hinata’s in a heaven floating above a broken sea of shit. He’s constantly wondering if all of this is even real.

 

 

Komaeda’s afraid to even blink because the thought of none of this being real is fucking terrifying to him.

 

 

They don’t even eat that night. In fact, they split a xani and make out on the kitchen floor for an hour before taking a bath in their jeans outside.

 

 

It’s not even a bath. The water’s barely warm but it doesn’t matter because it’s still hot outside. They’re just there, eyes half lidded, arms hanging over the side, splitting a fucking mojito. Talking about nothing and everything.

 

 

They fall asleep early, wet jeans thoroughly soaking the sheets, curled into each other without a single worry in their sleepy heads.

 

 

Komaeda wakes Hinata up with another perfect breakfast and so many cuddly touches that he feels like he might float away.

 

 

When they’re cleaning up in the kitchen, Komaeda reaches into his pocket, pulling out another xani and cuts a quarter of it off with a razor blade that Hinata didn’t even see until just now.

 

 

“What are you doing.” Hinata says flatly. He has like, _shit to do_ today. But also, this is ridiculous. It’s 8am.

 

 

Komaeda has crushed the quarter into powder and is like motioning to Hinata to snort it.

 

 

“Do you want a tube?”

 

 

“Komaeda, what the fuck is this shit?” Hinata’s eyes are stupidly serious when Komaeda finally returns his gaze.

 

 

Komaeda wonders which way he should approach this. He could tell Hinata that it’s just safer…which it is. To like taper off after what they did last night.

 

 

He probably can’t tell Hinata that he knows he needs this right now…like medically.

 

 

Yes, Komaeda is taking liberties here but that kind of thing rarely crosses his mind.

 

 

But that _expression_ Hinata’s wearing reminds him all too much and Komaeda’s walls crack, just a little bit.

 

 

 _“Just do it, Hajime.”_ As soon as he says this, Komaeda covers his mouth, looking completely horrified before running around the corner out of the kitchen.

 

 

Hinata feels so happy and so mad at the same time that he doesn’t know what to do but…

 

 

“Hey, it’s ok.” Hinata says as he follows Komaeda right across the mattress and into the back of the apartment. Turning with his back against the closets, Komaeda looks violated and sick and basically not like anything five minutes ago. Hinata doesn’t know what to do.

 

 

Komaeda runs his hands up into his hair, properly looking at Hinata when he says, “I _really_ didn’t mean to.”

 

 

Komaeda’s shaking and Hinata wants to reach out to him but he’s also having that awful feeling when you don’t know what the fuck you did wrong just now.

 

“It’s _ok_ , I like--”

 

 

“No, it’s _not_ ok, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda looks so desperate now, even as he’s sinking to the floor, but Hinata just falls down beside him not letting him look away.

 

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Hinata doesn’t mean to be angry. But he is. So angry.

 

 

Komaeda tries to cover his eyes, but Hinata reaches out finally to grip his wrist, holding him there, emotions raw between them.

 

 

_“Jesus christ, let go of me.”_

 

 

It’s the first time Hinata has heard anything like venom come out of Komaeda’s mouth. He instantly dropped his hand and turned away.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” Hinata said at the floor between his legs, feeling the beginning of tears that made his eyes burn. He knew he had epically fucked up but he didn’t know what he did wrong.

 

 

He almost jolted when Komaeda actually replied.

 

 

“Please don’t ask me about this.” He said weakly, leaning into Hinata’s back, fully with his head draping over the other boy’s shoulder. Hinata could feel how Komaeda was still shaking as he sat there rigidly supporting him.

 

 

“There are some things I can’t tell you.” Komaeda said quietly. Slowly. Hinata could hear Komaeda’s fingers fidgeting behind him. “Not yet. Things we can’t do…yet…”

 

 

The silence went on to a point where Hinata surmised that Komaeda had made his point. But he let it go even longer. It wasn’t exactly like he didn’t know what to say. He was just trying to wrap his head around all of this. Komaeda was clearly referring to addressing him by his first name and the whole thing where he never takes off his pants.

 

 

These were the logical points gleaned from their conversation…but the emotional bit was… _fucking awful just now? What the hell was that?_

 

 

Hinata was baffled.

 

 

It was Komaeda who wiped his eyes and stood up first, reaching down to Hinata. The sun was framing Komaeda’s body and it was too beautiful, it almost hurt.

 

 

Sunrays making their way through that wild hair was after all a huge factor in Hinata’s rapid infatuation with Komaeda when they first met.

 

 

Right before taking Komaeda’s hand, Hinata looked up at him, eyes red from the tears and apologized again for grabbing him ‘like that.’

 

 

Komaeda reached down to grip Hinata’s hand, pulling him up and close into his arms. Hinata didn’t know if his body was stiff or boneless. It felt like both at the same time. Uncomfortable.

 

 

Komaeda’s words melted him though and Hinata fell against him, letting each one sink in.

 

 

“I know you won’t do it again. You’re not that sort of person. And I know how sorry you are so stop saying it.”

 

 

It wasn’t an I love you. It was an I know you.

 

 

The I love you came anyway, immediately actually. Komaeda turned Hinata in his arms, pulling his shirt off at the same time and the younger boy was like liquid in his arms. Lips met hot and wet between syllables and repetitions all the way to the bed.

 

 

Komaeda got Hinata to snort the xanax while he was being fingered against the kitchen counter and god. Komaeda really doesn’t want to work today. But he also thinks Hinata might be getting way too precious to resist so he goes anyway.

 

 

Hinata’s outdoor bath time ritual takes place right on schedule and he lies there in the water, baked as fuck wondering why everything with Komaeda is always ok and not ok at the same time.

 

 

 _There are too many things to tip-toe around_.

 

 

It would be stifling if all the amazing things about being with him didn’t blur them into non-existence.

 

 

 _If Komaeda were any less Komaeda_.

 

 

The strange things, the painful things…Hinata was surprised at how he let these things slide with a needle through his heart. The desire to cut it all off, to ignore it and pretend everything was ok was very present in his mind.

 

 

But Hinata was human so that strategy would only take him so far through his day. There were periodic pitfalls of emotion where these things made him genuinely distressed.

 

 

These feelings seemed far less intense than they did yesterday and Hinata knew it was the xanax but it was ironic. Komaeda was the root of his troubles in every way since he met him and now the older boy was providing anti-depressants to go along with all of his infuriating bullshit.

 

 

Hinata also had to remind himself that he doesn’t feel this way most of the time. For the vast majority of his time. He already knows he can’t live without Komaeda.

 

 

After his too-long bath, Hinata made a giant cup of tea before plopping down onto the couch with one of his textbooks. He barely opened it when his eyes traveled across the room to the printer on top of the bookshelf.

 

 

He wanted to know.

 

 

If that paper was still in there. So he tossed his book aside and went to the printer to lift the tray. The paper was still there. Maybe it had been forgotten a long time ago.

 

 

Hinata’s fingers were moving before he really thought about it and he turned the paper over.

 

 

It was a different page.

 

 

Hinata made the copy right there, leaving the new page in the tray. This was crazy. Komaeda had obviously left this here and Hinata had no idea whether this shit was coincidental or not.

 

 

Hinata sat down right in front of the shelf, reaching bodily to grab his tea cup before reading the entry. He even burned his tongue because his eyes were so glued to the handwritten lines in front of him.

 

 

By the date, it was a continuation of the last entry.

 

 

_You start to dangerously court the idea that this is some kind of sick purgatory-like state you’ve entered. You honestly wonder if any of it is real. _

_After all, there are no other children in this particular world like you. They’re all experiencing true childhoods; blissfully unaware of all the untruths and half truths shaping their self-centered worlds. Stumbling along through their lives as they age and grow into talentless ants. _

_It’s not that far off from whatever kind of dream you had as you lingered comatose in the NWP... In that fucking pod._

_Except you know that this isn’t that. There isn’t a single sign of anyone you came to love there. The world around you is utterly normal in a way that defies even what your twisted subconscious could ever come up with._

Hinata let the page fall to the floor where he was sitting. He stared out the window blankly and had no words to describe the feelings he had in his body.

 

 

 _Talentless ants_.

 

 

 _N…W…P…_ _what the hell is that?_ Hinata really wanted to know even though it wouldn’t help any of this make sense.

 

 

In a way it didn’t need to make sense. There was something so scary about all of it. Hinata shuddered before taking the page to the couch where he read it again and again. Somehow he knew that there was more. This wasn’t the end of Komaeda’s rant.

 

 

Loneliness ran through the whole thing. That much was clear even if everything else wasn’t. Hinata wanted more.

 

 

Perhaps that’s the reason Hinata found himself standing in Komaeda’s office. He certainly did peek when Komaeda opened the door yesterday, committing the pin to memory.

 

 

He was too chicken shit to try to pick open the glass case, but he looked everywhere in the room for the key. He didn’t find it. But he did find some strange things.

 

 

Firstly, all the binders, cupboards and drawers were completely empty. This office wasn’t being used for shit.

 

 

Secondly, there was a floor length mirror across the room that had a pair of hinges on one side. The useless light switch on the wall next to it popped out to reveal another keypad.

 

 

 _“What the fuck.”_ Hinata said aloud to himself under his breath. He had found and actual secret door. _Jesus christ_.

 

 

Hinata left everything as he found it, packed his shit up and went back to his dorm room. His mind was pretty blank all the way home, despite everything. Once inside his room though, he screamed _‘oh my fucking god’_ so loud that Souda yelled back from his room to see if he was ok.

 

 

He didn’t know what to tell Komaeda so he texted him saying he had to study for a test so he wasn’t going to come over tonight. Several hours later, far past the time Komaeda would have gotten home, a reply came in the form of a simple ‘k.’

 

 

It hurt. A lot of things were hurting inside of Hinata and he really wanted to call Shuuichi or Ibuki to unload all of this but it was just too heavy.

 

 

_Who the hell is Komaeda anyway?_

 

 

 _Does it even matter?_ Hinata knew without a doubt that it didn’t. Not at all. Komaeda was his whole world whether he liked it or not. And he didn’t just like it. He loved it.

 

 

So at 11pm, Hinata calls Komaeda saying he finished studying and the boy is back at his house as fast as his uber can go.

 

 

Hinata wonders what’s wrong with himself the entire drive there. He knows he should be more alarmed than this. More wary than this. But when he sees Komaeda waiting for him, he honestly could give a fuck. _He’s wearing heels again_. Hinata literally threw the ten bucks at the driver and got out to wrap his arms around the other boy. Hinata picks him _all the way_ up and Komaeda is gorgeously embarrassed even though this street isn’t _that_ busy.

 

 

Hinata lets him go enough to hold his hand to go inside. Somewhere between the weekend and now, Hinata had decided that he would hold Komaeda’s hand when he felt like it no matter where they were.

 

 

The weird journal entries, his continually fucked up dreams, Komaeda’s panic attack the other day when he accidentally called him Hajime, the locked mirror door in the back of the office... They could all go fuck themselves, Hinata thought to himself as he followed Komaeda into his apartment.

 

 

It wasn’t hard to lose himself in Komaeda. There wasn’t a need to shove unwanted thoughts away, he blurred them all into nothing. Every time.

 

 

Hinata wonders while staring at Komaeda’s ceiling that night about what, exactly, would be too much to deal with. Komaeda was wrapped around him, softly breathing into his neck while he slept. He knew he was in way too deep with this boy. Hinata sighed and ran his fingers into white fluff and closed his eyes.

 

 

The next day they part ways for the weekend and Hinata really can’t protest. He’s monopolized Komaeda for four nights straight.

 

 

He lets his friends drag him out and his entire weekend is drunk skating with Ibuki at 4am two nights in a row and a hefty series of joints in his closet with Shuuichi all day Sunday.

 

 

Somehow Hinata can’t bring himself to pull his friends into his bullshit. It was all too weird and the first thing they’d say wouldn’t even be anything like concern. Ibuki and Shuuichi were like. The last people on earth you want to tell that you found a fucking locked mystery door. In your boyfriend’s house.

 

 

At any rate, Shuuichi got to hear all about how Komaeda hasn’t taken his pants off yet.

 

 

Shuuichi takes a long drag and Hinata is just waiting for him to start teasing him or at least reiterate Ibuki’s taken aback ‘fuck, dude,’ but it doesn’t come. They’re surrounded in smoke and the flashlight is dying, but Hinata sees Shuuichi purse his lips and squint his bloodshot eyes.

 

 

“You know…I don’t think he’s ever like been with anyone before.”

 

 

Hinata is sputtering smoke and coughing and tumbling out of the closet all at once. Shuuichi is laughing but Hinata has righted himself to look back over their tangled legs in disbelief.

 

 

 _“You’re kidding me.”_ Hinata’s jaw was maybe falling off.

 

 

Shuuichi stepped over him to sit on the floor, handing him the joint.

 

 

“You dropped this.” He giggled again and calmly explained to Hinata that just because ‘Akise’ knows what he’s doing to his asshole or whatever doesn’t mean that he’s necessarily ever dated anyone. He might have hooked up with a bunch of people. He might be really fucking good at masturbating. Probably both. But Komaeda had never dated anyone before.

 

 

“He’s twenty-four.” Hinata said weakly. If Shuuichi said it was true it probably was and why the fuck didn’t he mention this earlier? Why didn’t Komaeda?

 

 

“So? You’ll probably still be a virgin when you’re twenty-four.” Shuuichi replied, smirking at his friend. Hinata punched his shoulder with a muttered ‘fuck you’ and before they were too high to walk properly, they made their way out to find dinner.

 

 

Hinata had a lot to think about that night. About how Komaeda had never had a boyfriend before. Or a girlfriend. About how he was… _the first_.

 

 

It made him feel incredibly special.

 

 

Right when he was about to fall asleep with his dream sketchbook having fallen across his face twenty minutes ago, Hinata’s phone went off.

 

 

It was a text from Komaeda. He asked if Hinata wanted to spend the week with him again. Like starting after school tomorrow.

 

 

Hinata was floored.

 

 

_I mean, I basically just did that…but…_

 

 

Of course Hinata was going to take Komaeda up on that offer 100%...he was so happy he didn’t know what to do except reply with a very enthusiastic, ‘mm.’

 

 

It goes so much smoother this time.

 

 

He realizes that Komaeda really does like cuddling it’s just that he gets _really_ distracted by the Hinata’s boners.

 

 

Hinata’s got rose colored glasses on every single day. The door doesn’t matter. Maybe. Komaeda not being available during the weekend doesn’t really matter either. At any rate, practically nothing matters to him when Komaeda is close enough to touch, which is most of the time they’re together.

 

 

So they continue softly, slowly. Or slow in Komaeda’s definition which like many things in the boy’s vocabulary, doesn’t really match up with what most people think when they hear that word.

 

 

The mystery journal pages keep showing up in the printer and by now Hinata is sure that Komaeda is playing some kind of silent game with him. It’s ok though. Hinata wants to know as much as he can about Komaeda. So he plays it too. Never letting on that he’s taking it all in.

 

 

The rest of the passage from that day five years ago was as undecipherable as anything he had read so far. And it still made him feel saddened beyond what simple words that had nothing to do with him should make him feel.

 

 

By the end of the second week, Hinata had copied the remaining pages and he pored over them even though by now he had probably memorized the whole thing.

 

 

_There are some surprises however. While your mind’s fullness threatens to destroy you, your body is completely immune to any of this._

_Ah. These are the things people forget naturally as they grow up._

_The surprises and inconveniences are like this;_

_In this life, before you can speak, you’re endlessly frustrated with how exactly to communicate your needs to your parents. So you just end up crying like a normal baby. It’s humiliating._

_The inconvenient ache to be held and coddled as a small child wells up in you more strongly than you like to think about._

_You’ve definitely forgotten what it means to be exposed to the changing hormones of a growing person. Your small body succumbs to full slumbers and bouts of utter restlessness that never plagued you as a fully grown, jaded and very emotionally tired adult. _

_Despite your intellectual capacities unavoidably outstripping your peers in this world, you’ve completely forgotten how much physical growing pains actually hurt as you get taller and taller._

_You marvel at your appearance in the mirror from the time you’re a toddler until you begin to look more and more like yourself again._

_Despite what you’d like to believe, the memories of your previous life are more like how a person remembers their life to have been, rather than a complete and unbiased record. _

_The memories are just there in natural gaps of varying intensity. They are subject to your very own brand of forgetfulness somewhere before you literally lost your mind to dementia._

_It’s almost comical how this isn’t an omnipotent existence at all, it’s just that your slate was left bloody and dirtied prior to your entrance._

_The way your life is going up to a certain point gives you a superiority complex due to the utter predictability of everything._

_However that ‘certain point’ eventually emerges; you’re adopted into a pistachio haired family, taking the name of their dead son and you inherit a baby brother._

_The mundane quality of this tangential universe nearly drives you mad._

_This is when you start to laugh inappropriately at most things for no apparent reason. This is when you begin to go a little insane._

_Even worse though are the periods of intermittent clarity that cause you to wonder if you are in fact insane. And the only thing that gives you any solace in this difficult time is that maybe, just maybe even with all the divergence from everything you previously knew, that you would still meet him. _

 

 

Hinata stared at the last word more than anything on any of the pages. _Him_.

 

 

That part hurt a lot for some reason. The first time Hinata made it to the end of the entry, he cried into Komaeda’s couch for at least thirty minutes. And it still makes his eyes sting fifty odd revisions later.

 

 

There was a part that definitely sounded pretty much exactly like what Komaeda had actually gone through with his adoption. Pistachio hair and all.

 

 

So Hinata’s theory about this being fiction was really falling apart. To prevent an utter breakdown, he tells himself that authors often incorporate their own experiences in their writing. Which was generally true. But in the dark of night, Hinata feels a chill when this thing he keeps telling himself falls apart in his tired mind.

 

 

Hinata thinks that anyone reading this would feel that deep sense of loneliness and helplessness coming out of the words. And all of it was his now. Why was Komaeda showing him this? Or at least _wanting_ to show him.

 

 

Leaving it in the printer was not a mistake. The printer conveniently showing up and staying in the living room even when it wasn’t needed anymore was also not unplanned as far as Hinata was concerned.

 

 

Did he put a new page in every day just hoping Hinata would read it?

 

 

Well, Hinata was reading it. All of it. He was sharing in this pain of Komaeda’s. But it wasn’t something Hinata ever let him know that he was actually aware of.

 

 

This is exactly the kind of contradictory shit that plagued their relationship when he really thought about it. Komaeda was low-dosing him with xanax, obviously for his depression and at the same time just leaving completely depressing shit around like this.

 

 

Not like Hinata really cared when it came down to it. If anything, he wanted _more_ _of Komaeda_ and he actively shoved down alarm bells in the back of his mind telling him that that was a really perverse way to go about things.

 

 

Luckily his friends were mercilessly distracting when he allowed them to be. And Komaeda rented them a drunk bus to go to some shady ass club outside the city where Ibuki was having her ‘all ages show.’

 

 

So literally everyone who could fit was jammed into this minibus. It was already illegal for minors to be doing this kind of shit so a friend or two on your lap wasn’t anything anyone was particularly worried about. Especially since there was a full bar down one side and a fucking karaoke screen set up in the front.

 

 

Hinata had maybe never had so much fun in his entire life.

 

 

His Rihanna duets with Sonia were very popular, and Souda was their biggest fan. He literally got crowd surfed from the back of the bus as soon as Sonia grabbed the mic.

 

 

Even Mikan was nervously coming along to support Ibuki and that made Hinata very happy.

 

 

The sheer mass of bodies and drugs floating around was probably the only thing keeping Rantaro and Kaede from getting into a giant fight again and everyone knew it.

 

 

Rantaro, was blessedly off in his world enough to spare Hinata the demon glares.

 

 

He had grape chibi leaning back in his lap and Iruma was kneeling between their legs to goth out Ouma for the show. First came the eyeliner and black lipstick. Then the chokers. Rantaro had one hand up his boyfriend’s shirt and the other fingering Iruma’s waistline at the back of her skirt and neither of them seemed to care.

 

 

The back of the bus turned into the proverbial back room at a club. Like the place where people go to touch each other’s privates in full view because they’re wasted. Peko was lifting up her skirt in front of Kuzuryuu and the boy looked like a fucking tomato.

 

 

Saionji and her girlfriend were like in their bras back there and Hinata is a little pissed. Koizumi’s bra is like sheer mesh. Everyone can see that shit. Everyone. Yet _Hinata_ is the one who got screamed at and excommunicated for that fucking bath incident.

 

 

Naegi is…a very bad dancer. And a general embarrassment when drunk. How he landed Kirigiri is like a mystery to everyone on this bus. Probably she and Touko are the only ones who are actually sober, deep into some kind of very intense discussion while their significant others are two fisting vodka shots and failing at every fortnite dance in existence.

 

 

When Komaru and Makoto take the mics for a fucking Abba cover, it’s over. It’s amazing that the bus doesn’t tip from the subsequent completely unwarranted mosh fest.

 

 

After driving for a little over an hour, forty drunk teenagers spilled out of the bus into a gravel parking lot as the sun was setting across the fields.

 

 

It made Hinata a little sad that Komaeda wasn’t here because it was the weekend, but Shuuichi and some _very pretty_ girl he barely knew named Sayaka were linking arms with him and the chain went on and on either side of him. Somehow this ended up becoming ridiculous group synchronized skipping right up to the door where several of the less better off collapsed, laughing their asses off.

 

 

The venue was as gross as it looked from the outside but it was packed wall to wall with actual all ages which really surprises Hinata.

 

 

Saionji led the very impolite march through the crowd, pulling them all along with her in a handheld line where honestly everyone was too drunk to care about like, stepping over entire seated families and physically pushing through epic gaggles of fanboys. And…fan _dads_ apparently, which Shuuichi could not stop pterodactyl screeching about the entire way to the front.

 

 

Sakura had Aoi on one shoulder and Ouma on the other and there was no way this show was going to go down without both of them flinging their shirts at the stage or something equally inappropriate.

 

 

The bus had been so packed that Hinata didn’t realize until they reached the railing that…

 

 

_Manami is here too._

 

 

Hinata’s inevitable _‘oh shit’_ reaction was muted though. There were tons of people between them, but they could see each other clearly through the crowd. Hinata thought that he probably looked like a deer about to be hit by a car, and he did.

 

 

Manami just gave him a warm smile though. A genuine one. Manami wasn’t the sort of person to do anything that wasn’t genuine. Hinata’s face lit up and he waved. Manami waved back and that was it. Hinata felt like an invisible weight that had been on him was lifted.

 

 

Lifted was another word one could use to describe these children and when Ibuki came out, she could see all of her friends right there in the front. Looking wasted as shit. But that only made her even happier.

 

 

She was about to fucking slay.

 

 

Every single person in this room is going to have hearing damage later in life because of this concert.

 

 

And none of them give a shit.

 

 

The music is too loud and too insensible and this girl is screaming every fucking lyric. But it’s beautiful. Everyone is going wild. Even the grandmas and fandads. Especially the fandads.

 

 

Fanboys are fainting left and right and it’s the cutest thing ever, Ibuki thinks.

 

 

Hinata is still squished between Sayaka and Shuuichi. And his friend is doing some very disrespectful dance moves that can’t possibly be matching any kind of rhythmic beat because there is none to be found in this madness blasting out the speakers.

 

 

Sayaka is a whole other kind of distraction. She’s harmonizing with all of this. _Gorgeously_. Hinata is saying what the fuck in his head and wondering how he ended up in this ridiculous sandwich situation.

 

 

Like everyone along this railing, periodic eye flicks take place to ensure Kaede is nowhere near Rantaro and vice versa. It’s amazing how all of them just naturally move like fucking amoebas around them, creating distance with their tightly knit bodies.

 

 

_And those two idiots don’t even notice. Ever._

 

 

When Hinata spied Kaede, she was practically grinding on this woman that the lesbians from hell brought along. She had to be like thirty. She looked _very good_ but she was definitely a noona. She had cute bangs with long dark twin tails and figure that would attract literally anyone to be honest, Hinata thinks. She and Kaede looked like they were having a very good time together.

 

 

The green eyed boy breathed a sigh of relief.

 

 

And then he let his gaze go right back to Manami.

 

 

It was a weird pang. Painful but not anything as deep as what Komaeda’s put him through the last three and a half weeks. It was like regret and guilt and hope all in one.

 

 

_He looks so fucking pretty._

 

 

He averted his eyes before Manami could turn back. He had his hood up with his long pink fringe making a beautiful mess over his eyes.

 

 

_Manami’s always had really pretty eyes._

 

 

 _Komaeda’s are better,_ Hinata hears in his mind and he wonders if he’s really that fucking drunk…to be actually hearing voices. He takes a drag from an absolutely disgusting grape swisher spliff from Shuuichi and turns back to his friends and Ibuki, fully unconcerned with Manami.

 

 

 _Komaeda’s are a **million times** better, _ he thinks as he pictures them in his mind _._

 

 

They were a sea Hinata happily drowned in, regularly.

 

 

And he loved it. He really loved it.

 

 

His night was pure happiness going forward through a track list so long Ibuki lost her voice before she could finish. So she played a recorded version and crowd surfed for a solid 25 minutes before literally fainting from exhaustion in Mikan’s arms. The poor girl was fanning her and calling her stupid and Ibuki was fake-passed-out, shamelessly grabbing the other girl into a too tight embrace that had both of them somehow giggling.

 

 

Hinata would look the other way like he always does when Ibuki does this. He would hear all about it later when she was hungover in his room puking on his pajamas.

 

 

Of course this group decides to have an after-party, and apparently it’s in the dorms where anyone who didn’t go home earlier was presently squished into Hinata and Souda’s rooms.

 

Sonia firmly refused to go into Souda’s room, to his tearful dismay.

 

 

A door that was usually locked between the two boy’s rooms was flung open and it became a very crowded party that was too hot, and utterly filled with smoke.

 

 

Souda is baked out of his mind but Hinata makes sure to tell everyone there, face to face, that if they get fined, everyone here is going to have to help pay for it. His tldr is met with a _lot_ of wordless pouts and smirks.

 

 

Hinata tries to escape the initial feeling of having his fun fizzle out when everyone decided to invade his actual bedroom.

 

 

His anxiety raises considerably with one look through the doorway into his room.

 

 

_Jesus fucking christ._

 

 

Ouma had chosen that moment to pull the Prostate Murderer™ out of Hinata’s drawer, lifting it up as high as he could to wave it around at him.

 

 

Instead of freaking out, a very tired Hinata just raised his beer up at the other kid and went back to just chilling on the floor with everyone.

 

 

Before he gets too wasted and passes out right there on Souda’s floor between Aoi and Ibuki, Hinata makes a mental note to check his drawer in the morning just in case that little shit took his stainless steel cum-in-sixty-seconds joystick.

 

 

Hinata jolts awake when his phone starts violently vibrating in his sweats pocket right up against his balls.

 

 

Hinata is wide awake and fairly freaked out. His sack is still tingling and his phone won’t shut up until he silences it which is hard because somehow fucking Mikan has rolled right up next to him, literally using him as a daki.

 

 

He pushed her off, groaning at the drool sticking to his forehead.

 

 

It’s 3am and Hinata’s heart is swelling at the new message from Komaeda.

 

 

It’s just two words. And a period.

 

 

_Come over._

 

 

Hinata is still utterly wasted but this is a potential booty call that he can’t ignore.

 

 

He doesn’t reply until he’s once again throwing ten bucks at an uber driver outside Komaeda’s building.

 

 

Before he can hit send, he sees Komaeda there, sitting on the floor in the vestibule, chewing on his thumbnail. He’s in all black, everything is _perfectly_ tight and his hair is straight and up and…as they’re running towards the glass doors between them, Hinata can see that Komaeda has slightly smeared makeup too.

 

 

Hinata’s gotten good at stuffing down discomfort and hurt when it comes to Komaeda Nagito. He doesn’t want to level with himself enough to admit it was because the other boy owned him on a sexual level. And melted him to the point of evaporating emotionally.

 

 

So like many things at this point in their relationship, Komaeda looking like a suspicious as hell snack at 3am didn’t matter either.

 

 

The white haired boy had Hinata’s hand and was rushing to the elevator, pressing the button repeatedly like a child.

 

 

As soon as they were inside the elevator, Komaeda attacked Hinata, or maybe it was the other way around. Neither of them could tell and neither of them cared. Their bodies pressed together and moved only like they could; Komaeda and his Hinata-kun.

 

 

The older boy had glitter from his hair dusting Hinata’s sweaty cheeks and that plus his freckles had Komaeda grinning so much his face started to hurt.

 

 

This wholly expressed thirst for one another was always so intense when they made their way through the giant building. Hinata never even considered the grandeur of all of it anymore. Everything from the ground up was his tongue in Komaeda’s sweet, _sweet_ mouth and both of their hands like, everywhere they could reach on each other’s bodies.

 

 

Even Hinata can punch in the door code backwards while being pressed up against it with a slender thigh jammed all the way up between his legs. This time however, it was slightly more difficult because Komaeda was sucking and sucking and _sucking_ a spot on Hinata’s neck where it was definitely going to be straight purple later.

 

 

When the door opens, Komaeda dances around Hinata to lead him by the hand into the apartment. Like always, they’re kicking their shoes all over and trying to get to the bed as fast as possible.

 

 

Hinata stops firmly half way there and Komaeda accidentally pulls him closer in his oblivious momentum. Fingers lace together and golden green meets washed out oceans in something so sweet and all kinds of other things neither of them can quite articulate.

 

 

Hinata is the first to speak, gently, “we don’t have to do this, you know.”

 

 

Komaeda thinks for a moment that Hinata is on some chivalrous bullshit but it’s such a tiny thought that it’s fully eclipsed by the need to hold this boy close as soon as possible.

 

 

That’s why he broke down and texted him earlier.

 

 

He’s really fucking conflicted right now and Hinata is laughing at him. When Komaeda meets his eyes, the boy’s eyebrows fucking waggle at him and suddenly he’s being carried into the kitchen where Hinata starts blasting the craziest shit on every speaker in the house.

 

 

_“Dance with me.”_

 

 

Komaeda felt the most delicious chill run all the way down his spine as Hinata whispered this right against his ear. Refusing him was like, a non-issue.

 

 

_What am I going to do with you?_

 

 

Much like the half xani night, they danced together around the entire house, but this time there was far more grinding and voyeurism involved.

 

 

And much like every time they’re together, Komaeda is afraid Hinata might actually disappear if he blinks so he tries really hard not to.

 

 

It wasn’t all fear though. Not at all. Addiction, if anything was an accurate description for how Komaeda felt about Hinata.

 

 

The feelings the younger boy gave him were a string of endless gifts and Komaeda really did not want to fuck this up.

 

 

When Hinata kissed him so hard that he forgot where he was, Komaeda silenced all his thoughts and just let the teenager absorb every ounce of his attention.

 

 

He let himself close his eyes while Hinata held him to his chest and the rocking, the press of his body there at his back…everything kept beautifully lulling Komaeda into Hinata’s rhythm.

 

 

Hinata loved Komaeda’s slight curves. They were soft and hard and smooth and god. He always smelled so fucking good.

 

 

He could feel the older boy start to melt into him and Hinata let his hands _roam_.

 

 

Komaeda’s kisses tasted like hard alcohol and cigarettes. It made Hinata want to kiss him even more.

 

 

Eventually he can’t take it anymore and he waddles Komaeda backwards straight to the bed. He wants to push Komaeda down, but the whole wrist-grabbing _‘jesus christ, let go of me’_ thing is still fresh in his list of life traumas.

 

 

Luckily Hinata’s inebriation helps him oh so eloquently verbalize his needs.

 

 

Holding him there at the edge of the mattress with one arm firmly around the boy’s waist, Hinata bends to touch Komaeda’s forehead with his own. Eyes closed, the words come out, timidly.

 

 

“Can I throw you on the bed or is that off-limits?”

 

 

Komaeda tries really hard not to laugh. Even _he_ knows that that would be a one way ticket to _not_ being thrown onto the bed. So he manages to reply with actual words and a straight face.

 

 

“Please.”

 

 

Komaeda expected to actually be lifted up to be ‘thrown.’ Or at least given a warning.

 

 

_Oh god Hinata-kun, you are fucking amazing._

 

 

Hinata had put one foot behind Komaeda’s leg and shoved the other boy right in the chest in a way that was not gentle at all. Komaeda fell, hard into the mattress and he would have had a tremendous bounce if Hinata wasn’t falling right on top of him.

 

 

So many things about this boy surprised Komaeda when it came to these sorts of things. Like that night they first hooked up; Hinata was a pretty damn good kisser for not having kissed anyone before. And this shit right now was equally blowing Komaeda’s mind.

 

 

_This is why I can only call you Hinata-kun._

 

 

He really didn’t want to cry right now.

 

 

Hinata was handling him expertly though. He had rolled over pulling Komaeda with him so he was now raised up over Hinata’s face.

 

 

Komaeda had so many casual obsessions when it came to Hinata’s body that it was overwhelming even for him to process at times.

 

_Thick soft lips. Thighs. Freckles. Those honest eyes. A jaw line that could cut the whole world in half. The beginning of a worry line between his brows that hasn’t even set in yet…Hinata._

 

 

The boy was blinding in so many ways. And so pure.

 

 

 _Untainted_.

 

 

The realization came the day he met him in the back of Ouma’s jeep. This Hinata was precious in a way he had never anticipated.

 

 

Lust was always safer than letting it all sink in too much. So Komaeda kissed Hinata in a way that turned the boy’s whole body into butterflies.

 

 

They stayed like that until Komaeda’s arms started hurting and they fell side by side, loosely wrapped around each other. Hinata reached over to push Komaeda’s bangs out of his eyes. He smiled without even thinking about it because Komaeda’s eyes were so fucking pretty, smeared mascara and all. Maybe because of the smeared mascara. Hinata giggled.

 

 

“What?” Komaeda asked, pouting at him.

 

 

“It’s just…” Hinata’s expression was so many things. So many familiar things. Komaeda waited patiently for Hinata to finish stitching his carefully chosen words together, “Your makeup. I fucked it up worse than it was when I first got here.”

 

 

Both of them laughed and Hinata rode on that feeling. The positives. He looked Komaeda in the eye and told him that he didn’t care where he was before he called him tonight. The younger boy’s hand found Komaeda’s cheek and his eyes were so sincere that he knew what Hinata was saying was true.

 

 

This, if anything was also wildly different to Komaeda’s ingrained expectations when it came to Hinata. Komaeda shuddered and curled into the boy’s chest. He stayed there, where Hinata held him close until he could barely keep his eyes open. Even if he wouldn’t say it yet, Hinata’s love felt like the warmth of sunlight all around Komaeda.

 

 

Hinata ran a finger along the back of Komaeda’s shirt, making him open his sleepy eyes.

 

 

“Let’s get these off of you.” Hinata said softly, clearly referring to Komaeda’s rather restricting outfit.

 

 

Komaeda rolled onto his back, letting his hair splay beautifully onto the mattress. He turned his head to Hinata and gave him a look full of feigned innocence.

 

 

“You do it.” He said playfully and Hinata was so grateful Komaeda was drunk enough to say something like that.

 

 

_You do it._

 

 

It lit a fire in Hinata’s blood.

 

 

By the time Hinata finished unbuttoning Komaeda’s shirt to open it, he fell over yelling **_‘oh my Lord’_** because under that tight black shirt was this lacy thing that made it hard to swallow and he was instantly blindsided from such a gorgeous attack on his psyche.

 

 

Komaeda rolled over to face him, biting his lip, wondering if Hinata liked it.

 

 

The younger boy recovered enough to push Komaeda right back down with this look of blessed amazement spread across his face.

 

 

 _“Who invited you??”_ Hinata said sarcastically, still beaming. He already had his leg thrown over Komaeda’s hips to straddle him and really take it all in. Visually.

 

 

It was a plainly disrespectful assault on all levels and Hinata was losing his mind.

 

 

“Dear _god_ , Komaeda. You _have_ to let me take a picture.” Hinata said, already reaching for his phone in his back pocket.

 

 

Komaeda’s face started turning that really lovely rose pink that Hinata always felt very triumphant about every time he could get it out of him. The white haired boy turned his head into the sheets with his face twisting in a way that Hinata thought was completely adorable and in _total_ contrast what he was wearing right now.

 

 

 _“Can I?”_ Hinata asked again, probably too quickly. He hadn’t given Komaeda even two seconds to reply.

 

 

Komaeda couldn’t bring himself to pose in any kind of remotely crude way so Hinata had about twelve new photos of him propped up on his elbows with his shirt hanging open, pouting and giggling and hiding his face with his mess of white hair.

 

 

At one point, Komaeda grabs Hinata’s phone and throws it somewhere near the foot of the bed so he can sit up to put his arms around him. Hinata’s hands slide down to hold Komaeda’s hips up to him so he can kiss his stomach through delicate lace. So he can taste the thin layer of satin over his ribs. So his lips can find all the sensitive parts of his chest that he already knows so well.

 

 

Komaeda is not brilliant at keeping his composure when it comes to Hinata tonguing his navel with a raging boner clearly outlined in the way the boy’s jeans were straining.

 

 

Still, the older boy keeps his eyes locked with Hinata’s the whole time while he slowly slips his shirt off each shoulder behind him. Once it slid down to the bed, Komaeda gently pushed Hinata back a little.

 

 

“Do you wanna come?” Komaeda says, looking down at Hinata with an unfair level of confidence and the younger boy let his head fall back to stare up at him, want plain in his eyes.

 

 

“Use your mouth,” Hinata breathed desperately.

 

 

“Mm.” was all Komaeda conceded in reply and he stood up to lead Hinata over to the windows where he pressed Hinata’s back up against the cool glass. Hinata hadn’t come in at least two weeks and Komaeda wanted to give it to him…so badly.

 

 

Komaeda let his lips move lightly around Hinata’s jaw line while his fingers gripped Hinata through his jeans. The boy’s body went rigid against the glass and a helpless needy sound resonated deep in his throat. He palmed him again, once, slowly while he whispered against Hinata’s cheek.

 

 

_“Do you want to fuck my face, Hinata-kun?”_

 

 

For Hinata, reality just shifted right into his daydreams and even though he felt like he was falling right through the floor, his body knew enough to grip Komaeda in a violent kiss before pushing him down to his knees.

 

 

Hinata thinks that Komaeda looks so beautiful kneeling in pre-dawn twilight, and the sight of him doing this transfixes him every single time. He thinks to himself that there is probably not a single thing about Komaeda that could be classified as not sexy.

 

 

Hinata can’t look away. He wouldn’t look away if a fucking truck hit him right now. Komaeda is so good at everything he does, Hinata is panting and he’s barely unzipped right now.

 

 

Komaeda smiles up at Hinata’s reactions and was not fucking around when he offered what he did. Hinata doesn’t even understand how Komaeda manages to flip them while also pulling his dick right out into his mouth.

 

 

Komaeda was now kneeling in front of the window and holy hell, Hinata is sixteen floors up and the entire skyline is spread out below him.

 

 

It all goes deliciously blurry though, when Komaeda takes him all the way into his mouth until he’s touching the back of his throat. Hinata’s palms find themselves barely catching the support of the glass in front of him because he’s sweating so much at all of this.

 

 

Komaeda keeps looking up at him with this playful challenge in his eyes, and he’s pulled all the way back and off, waiting for Hinata to do what they both want him to.

 

 

Hinata might actually lose it.

 

 

Komaeda runs a finger along Hinata’s hard length in front of his face, looking down at what he’s doing for once.

 

 

When he looks back up, Hinata feels like he might die.

 

 

_“Hinata-kun, I want you to fuck. my. Face.”_

 

 

This gets a very responsive almost growl like groan out of Hinata and before he really thinks about it, he’s found his proper footing and has grabbed Komaeda roughly at the back of his head with both of his hands full of soft hair that was beautifully tinted pink from the sunrise creeping over the horizon.

 

 

Even Hinata retains enough of his senses not to lose control completely. It’s not like he’d ever hurt Komaeda. It’s just that he’s sure if he let himself go any more than this, he might completely spazz out. After all, this has been his fantasy since the first day he met this boy.

 

 

It’s unfair, he thinks. How he’s been edged so hard for so long that his balls feel like they’re actually solid and Komaeda’s parting his _wet lips_ with that _insatiable expression_.

 

 

 _“Fuck, Komaeda.”_ He breathes out harshly, “I don’t know if I can be gentle right now.”

 

 

Hinata’s eyes look as sincere as Komaeda knows his heart is.

 

 

“Do you honestly think I care right now?”

 

 

Hinata knows Komaeda doesn’t care…and he’s still wearing that _sinful **thing**_. Hinata doesn’t even want to think about how expensive it probably is or what the hell it looks like under Komaeda’s low jeans. The intricate beading is starting to glisten in the morning light and Hinata decides to just stop thinking already.

 

 

Every part of Hinata’s body is burning and tingling in the best ways. He wonders how he’ll possibly stand through all of this. It’s not like Komaeda hasn’t dropped to his knees at least ten times in the last couple weeks. But there’s no wall holding Hinata up from behind. And Komaeda isn’t doing anything but staying still and letting Hinata slowly push all the way to the back of his throat.

 

 

Just like when Hinata ‘threw’ him on the bed, Komaeda gets no warning for what happens next. Even though they both know he’s holding back from like thrashing and screaming, Hinata is using the back of Komaeda’s head to push his dick all the way in. Like allll the way in.

 

 

The back of Komaeda’s throat is like a miniature heaven for Hinata. It doesn’t even matter if he isn’t the first to do this by far. The way it feels _so fucking good_ blinds him and his thighs tense all the way up as his feet reflexively lift off the floor because of all of the electric sensations Hinata hasn’t even processed yet run wild through his body.

 

 

It’s purely physical at this point and Hinata can’t get enough. His hands are gripped in the hair at the nape of Komaeda’s neck and he’s rocking now, not even quickly but in a two step rhythm, first slowly until he fills the boy’s mouth completely, then a sharp jerk into that hot tightness that’s driving him fucking insane right now.

 

 

Hinata allows one hand to slide messily through Komaeda’s hair, across his ear to cup the boy’s cheek as it fills over and over around the way he keeps fucking his mouth.

 

 

Komaeda adjusts a little to better accommodate Hinata’s um. Considerable girth.

 

 

Hinata’s voice comes out broken and nonsensically at the way he slides so much easier into that unforgivingly beautiful space.

 

 

Hinata has long since given up feeling that guilt that would creep in when he’d stare down at Komaeda blowing him because he thinks that the white haired angel below him was literally made to do this.

 

 

The sentiment is a hundred fold now that Komaeda is just letting Hinata do whatever the fuck he wants.

 

 

It gets so much dirtier after that.

 

 

“Give me your hand,” Hinata manages to finally say after holding himself deep inside for several seconds of euphoric stillness. He thinks his dick is actually ascending right now.

 

 

Komaeda complies with a smile only expressed in his eyes and Hinata kind of loves that his first time doing this is when the boy below him looked so _wrecked_ already. The smudged eye makeup and the fucked up hair is making Hinata more and more desperate to keep going. _Hard_.

 

 

Once he has one hand literally pinning Komaeda with their fingers interlaced against the glass, he uses his other hand to grab the back of his head even harder and he finally complies with Komaeda’s aforementioned _‘want.’_

 

 

 _Fucking glorious_ , Komaeda thinks as Hinata’s relentless thrusting is making tears stream down his eyes from the pain and the pressure. He wonders if the other boy can even know how this is making his whole body feel. Komaeda is so happy and so turned on that he starts running his fingers up Hinata’s thighs to firmly grasp what bits of his pants are still hanging off of him to pull him in just as hard and fast as Hinata’s already going.

 

 

Again, Hinata’s moans take on an additional tone of desperation and he honestly can’t even hear his own voice anymore. He is however, absolutely stunned at how long he’s lasting through all of this exquisite madness.

 

 

It was obviously because he had stopped himself from coming more times than he could count over the last few weeks. His features that were twisted with palpable bliss right now softened for a moment of adoration that Komaeda could see plain as day. So he winked at him and Hinata grinned back down at him in a way that was so mischievous that it seemed almost dangerous and _god_ , that made Komaeda tremble from head to fucking toe.

 

 

Komaeda would be lying if he said he hadn’t been actually coming in his pants with all of his Hinata-touching-nights up until this point. And he felt like this night was going to be particularly explosive on that front.

 

 

Komaeda’s thoughts became a mess of reverent adoration right along with the way Hinata was losing his grasp on his own consciousness every time he plunged between the sweet pink lips that belonged to this boy he wanted more than oxygen.

 

 

Even though this was something new, like everything so far, Hinata was far more apt than he should be in this situation.

 

 

Hinata, in his defense had been rigorously educated in almost every sexual act by teenage-dream-Komaeda as well as how his ‘body’ honestly felt in every moment of those dreams. His body in that world pretty much knew a _lot_ more than nineteen year old virginal irl Hinata.

 

 

It wasn’t something that Hinata was presently conscious of. He was getting closer and closer and he felt his knees giving out and how his exclamations had dissolved into the whimpers they both knew preceded what he had been waiting for for so fucking long.

 

 

He surprised Komaeda again by pulling out and dropping down between them to kiss him so deeply neither of them could breathe. And before Komaeda could even reciprocate, Hinata had pushed him down and climbed on top of him. He was right there, kneeling above him, covered in running beads of sweat all down that chest that Komaeda could write entire series of novels about.

 

 

The boy put one hand next to Komaeda’s head to support himself as he leaned down and literally jerked out two weeks worth of come all over Komaeda’s three thousand dollar ysl corseted body. And he didn’t stop there. The boy was panting praises of Komaeda’s hotness while he continued, lifting himself up so he could properly thumb his mouth wide open to fill it.

 

 

Komaeda felt his mind blast right out through his dick as he began to choke on that taste he loved more than any kind of actual food.

 

 

Hinata swore to god that he had come for like three minutes straight, even after he collapsed onto the floor beside Komaeda, who was totally beaming at him right now.

 

 

He wasn’t too sure what happened after that. It had been a long fucking day and Hinata passed out right there with his dick out without even watching as Komaeda swallowed everything he had given him just now.

 

 

The waking up part came far too early for Hinata’s liking. It had only been several hours at best by the time a freshly showered and immaculately dressed Komaeda came tumbling onto the bed to wake him up by pinning him under the blankets and shoving his fingers in his mouth again.

 

 

Hinata couldn’t stop laughing. Anyone else doing this to him would have found themselves decked across the room. But he loved this shit Komaeda did to him sometimes. It was so ridiculous and weird…and so Komaeda.

 

 

When Komaeda finally relented, the first thing out of his mouth was, “I want to show you something.”

 

 

Hinata’s chest got all warm out of nowhere and his face flushed the tiniest bit.

 

 

“Ok.”

 

 

And this was how Hinata found himself outside on the street at a time that was very much outside of the real sadboy hours he usually kept over the weekend.

 

 

They stopped at the corner so Hinata could buy a rockstar for breakfast and then they kept going around the same block for several minutes of handholding and not-so-subtle compliments going both ways at what had happened pretty much all night between them.

 

 

Komaeda’s neighborhood was without a doubt in the ‘nicest’ part of town. In other words it was beyond the gentrification taking place everywhere else in town. It was deep in the center of it from the beginning. There wasn’t an apartment within a two mile radius that was anywhere near where anyone Hinata knew except Sonia could possibly afford.

 

 

So he was really taken aback when they stopped right in front of what was apparently an orphanage. Like a gigantic _bourgie ass_ orphanage. And Komaeda was walking right in, waiting for Hinata to follow him.

 

 

The reception was just as impressive as the extensive manicured gardens they just walked through. Hinata kept asking himself, **_how_** _is this an orphanage?_ When Hinata heard the word orphanage he usually pictured really run down half way houses.

 

 

He was frankly used to being like what the hell is this with Komaeda and not getting useful answers, so again he was surprised when the boy spoke while he led him down a long hall.

 

 

“This is where I was when I was a kid.” He said quietly and Hinata felt like he _really_ should have been able to put that together even through his hangover and general exhaustion.

 

 

Still, it was interesting that it was on the same block as Komaeda’s apartment building and Hinata still had no idea what they were doing here.

 

 

A large plaque on the wall randomly catches Hinata’s eye and he slows to take in the inscription.

 

 

Komaeda was the fucking founder and benefactor currently supporting most of their operations. And it didn’t say Akise Amami. It said Komaeda Nagito, right there engraved in all caps.

 

 

Hinata stops completely in front of the plaque, giving Komaeda a side eye and a very nasal _“Oi”_ while pointing up at the wall.

 

 

The other boy tip-toes back to him and slowly explains that it used to be a lot like how Hinata imagined orphanages to be, on the other side of town with peeling paint and never enough clothes for them that were the right size or even clean.

 

 

So Hinata finds out as they keep walking that he built this place with some kind of ‘inheritance.’ He found out that all the kids had their own rooms and could stay here literally until they secure jobs after uni. It was fucking nuts.

 

 

The facilities and services went on and on…they even had their own clinic that provided free prenatal care for women that were planning on putting their children up for adoption.

 

 

The children always had the choice to stay or get adopted by potential ‘parents.’ And the adoption process was very strict but apparently they hadn’t had a single incident of a child ending up in an abusive home.

 

 

Hinata could bodily feel himself falling so much deeper in love with Komaeda with every word and revelation. And Komaeda was looking like all of this was common sense rather than what should be considered common good.

 

 

If they weren’t in a place with actual children running around and starting to crowd ‘Koma-niisan,’ Hinata would have kissed him for days because of all of this.

 

 

All of the ten or so children around them seemed to be in kindergarten and primary school. Their chatter was incessant and curious as Hinata watched Komaeda pick up one tiny boy while taking an older girl’s hand to lead them all out into an outdoor area within the middle of the surrounding multi-story georgian style complex.

 

 

This was the first time Hinata saw a staff member and it was fucking Chihiro. Hinata fixed the girl with a face that showed every ounce of the fucked up feeling he got over the fact that there was no way in hell that Chihiro didn’t know Komaeda’s real name too.

 

 

Komaeda wasn’t expecting Chihiro to be out here setting up lunch for them when he brought Hinata along, but he supposed maybe it was a good thing to get out of the way. He wasn’t up to explaining that he had known Chihiro since she was like twelve and that she was one of the very few people in Hinata’s circle that knew anything about who Komaeda really was.

 

 

Chihiro crossed the space between them with a very nervous and apologetic smile and Hinata puts his hand over his eyes because he can just tell. Chihiro knows all about him being uhh, intimately acquainted with Komaeda. It’s all over her fucking face.

 

 

Before either of the other adults can say a word, Hinata’s mind barely catches onto something he had forgotten the night he blacked out several weeks ago.

 

He had had a very interesting conversation with Chihiro that night. Chihiro, the only person who knew what was going on with him before he broke up with Manami and _wasn’t_ giving him murderous stares at that party. He couldn’t for the life of him remember a single thing they discussed in that corner of Souda’s parent’s living room, but he had no doubt that all of it was culminating in this very moment.

 

 

So like, the squished up what the actual hell instantly melted off of his face and he didn’t even care if they explained what was going on. Some kid was pulling on his shirt asking him to fly him around, so Hinata does.

 

 

Komaeda watches them run around in circles and he had already known Hinata was fucking great with kids and actually loved them. That’s not something he has any reason to talk about though, so he just watches them fondly, surrounded by every child old enough to know what a crush is, letting them hand him little sandwiches and lemonade they made.

 

 

Hinata has literally never seen Komaeda eat so much, like ever. He doesn’t refuse a single bite of anything the kids made especially for him.

 

 

Hinata smiles with a slight smirk in the corner of his mouth at the other boy across the checkered blanket from him. Chihiro had long since disappeared somewhere and Hinata spends literally two hours playing with Komaeda and the kids all over inside and outside.

 

 

Instead of it being even more exhausting, Hinata feels so hyped after all of it.

 

 

When they’re walking back, Hinata asks Komaeda if he does that every Sunday, and Komaeda laughs before telling him that it is also every Saturday and Hinata’s welcome to come along whenever he wants.

 

 

Hinata thinks his heart is going to blow up from all the feels he’s getting right now.

 

 

Komaeda walks him to his bus stop again and every kiss goodbye feels even more precious in Hinata’s mind than before which he hadn’t even considered possible. He realizes the whole way home that the way his heart is stretching around the other boy’s love is far deeper than he even imagined.

 

 

So Hinata walks into his room twelve hours after leaving to find at least twenty of his friends still randomly passed out like all over and he kicks Ibuki awake to go get smoothies with him so he can gush the fuck out about everything that happened since last night.

 

 

On the way out, he kicks a bunch of other people telling them they need to vacate like out of the building or at least into Souda’s room before he gets back. All of them know cranky-Hinata is a total bitch, so most of them start moving immediately into Souda’s room. Souda isn’t even in there. He’s passed out half naked in the hallway and no one bothers to alert him about this before just like chilling in his room, smoking all of his weed.

 

 

Hinata took Ibuki to the middle of the park before he began to tell her anything and she screamed as much as he thought she would. He was still protecting a lot of sensitive things about Komaeda, like his name. And not really explaining the orphanage besides the fact that it’s by his house and he ‘volunteers’ there. He still didn’t know what the hell to think about Chihiro so that part didn’t come up at all.

 

 

Mostly Ibuki was fixated on what Hinata did to Komaeda while the sun was coming up.

 

 

“God. If I had a dick, I would fuck so many mouths, Hajime. I’m not even kidding.” Hinata laughs with her, not doubting what she said at all.

 

 

Gushing with Ibuki was such a lighthearted no drama thing. She was always excited to hear about Hinata’s adventures in Komaeda’s bed without any of Shuuichi’s complex spins on all of it. The way Shuuichi could bring him from being elated to questioning in single offhand comments. One thing both of them had in common was teasing Hinata about being a virgin all the time. At least Ibuki was the same age as him and failing at sex most of the time. Shuuichi was just irritating. He was over a year younger than Hinata and had been hooking up with his dick non-boyfriend for like years.

 

 

Hinata and Ibuki lied back in the grass for a bit before slowly meandering back to campus where they parted ways. When Hinata got back to his room, it was a fucking mess and Naegi was still sleeping in his god damn bed, but it was far less ‘bad’ than he was expecting it to be.

 

 

After dragging Naegi into the hallway next to Souda, Hinata began to clean his room. His metal dildo was still where it was supposed to be, but he still dropped it into a jar where he fully submerged it in bleach for the rest of the day.

 

 

Later, when things were more or less in their right places and most of the alcohol and cigarette smell had aired out, Hinata turned on his computer to figure out what kind of homework he was supposed to be doing the last three days.

 

 

He had a weird email though.

 

 

 _Akise’s secret_.

 

 

Hinata stared at the subject line for a long time before clicking it open.

 

 

There’s predictably no message except some dubious looking link to click. The return address is as sketch as it looks and Hinata confirms this by the automated this-address-does-not-exist message to come right back to his reply.

 

 

He ignores it all night while he stresses out over his shitload of homework, but he can’t bring himself to delete it. He keeps randomly staring at it.

 

 

_Who the fuck would send me something like that?_

 

 

 _Akise’s secret_ was about as personal and ominous as an email subject could get for Hajime Hinata right now.

 

 

So in the middle of the night, when Hinata was highly caffeinated from writing two papers back to back, he clicked on the link.

 

 

It seemed to be a legitimate website and it was clean as hell. It was some kind of nondescript charity maybe? Hinata couldn’t really tell except that whoever made it had fairly exceptional web design skills. Even though it was so simple in its interface, a lot of work had gone into the layout.

 

 

It was some kind of vague non-profit organization? There were various meditation sessions you could purchase, between ten minutes and an hour with levels ranging from ‘beginning’ to ‘advanced.’

 

 

They were _fucking expensive_. The beginning ten minute version was $500.

 

 

Hinata was about to turn away with a dismissive ‘what a fucking scam’ sigh, but something about the image used at the top of the page stopped him dead cold.

 

 

The overlay had barely reduced opacity, but it was _definitely_ what Hinata thought it was.

 

 

That same photo of the ferns on Komaeda’s laptop.

 

 

At 7am the next morning, Hajime Hinata places a phone call home saying he needs $500 immediately for unforeseen emergency textbook purchases. He sends up a silent prayer for lying to his parents but honestly what the hell.

 

 

As soon as it’s in his account he finds out that he’s just signed up for a live personalized session. And he has to schedule it in advance. So he does.

 

 

Saturday evening. Five days away.

 

 

His week with Komaeda is surreally devoid of any conflict or just the stress that creeps up on them at times as they discover each other’s boundaries. Everything is smooth and beautiful and so hot that Hinata wonders how he’s surviving every day before he goes back to Komaeda’s house.

 

 

Free to ejaculate as much as he wants now, he finds himself in that granite tub every day when he doesn’t have class and Komaeda’s at work.

 

 

Shuuichi had said last month in that sex shop not to touch the vibrators because ‘he wasn’t ready’ and ‘Akise probably has like twelve at home anyway.’

 

 

Hinata now knew that Komaeda Nagito possessed at least 59 toys that could be considered vibrators. And there was no way in hell he would ever tell Shuuichi anything about it.

 

 

There were probably very few young men in the world who could make use of fifty-nine vibrators in a few short days, but Hinata was a very competitive individual when it came down to it.

 

 

By Thursday afternoon, he had picked out his ultimate top three and didn’t even bother to hide his bath routine from Komaeda when he came home this time. The one where he spends every afternoon outside in the bath getting high and masturbating to the point of barely being able to keep his eyes open.

 

 

Komaeda was backflipping like an olympic gymnast in his mind when he found him like that. Hinata had cleaned himself off, but it was obvious that he just came. Probably not for the first time.

 

 

The younger boy cracked one eye open to smile at him and politely asked Komaeda if he would please bring him a beer.

 

 

Komaeda stuck one finger in the water before immediately grabbing a soaking wet naked Hinata by both arms to drag him into the house. He pulled and pushed Hinata into the shower off the living room telling him he could have a beer once he was no longer _‘freezing fucking cold.’_

 

 

Komaeda was oddly touchy with things when it came to Hinata’s well being.

 

 

Hinata was so used to being out there for hours at a time that he didn’t care that his skin felt like a frozen fish right now. But Komaeda did, and he really should have known that it would have made him worry. Like many things between them, it made Hinata far warmer inside than the hot water that was running over his skin.

 

 

Saturday finally rolls around and he hated it but Hinata didn’t go to the orphanage with Komaeda because he was literally having a two hour phone call with his dad about the importance of like making his own way on his own feet and such. Basically he was telling him to get a job because absolutely no more money would be coming his way until next quarter.

 

 

Hinata smokes so many cigarettes during and after that completely uncomfortable conversation. He had spoken with his mother last time and she had been like, ‘of course, baby,’ apparently wiring it to him without even talking to his dad.

 

 

Hinata really didn’t like to think about what was going on in his house since he left. He hadn’t been there since last Christmas and there were so many things pissing him off about this whole situation that were too deeply traumatizing to be hung up on right now.

 

 

Thinking about his plans today regarding that weird email he got last week, Hinata whispers to himself that he’d be damned if he didn’t have some not so small secrets of his own.

 

 

Komaeda had never asked, but in the last two years most of his new friends had come to realize that Hinata does not talk about his family to anyone. Even Ibuki knew to stay out of it.

 

 

 _Maybe meditation is actually what I need_ , Hinata thinks sarcastically.

 

 

Hinata hooks his laptop up to his tv and when his session starts with ‘Feather’ all kinds of shit falls into place and he is so thankful he decided to do that.

 

 

Hinata didn’t know who this was in front of him.

 

 

He did but he didn’t.

 

 

This wasn’t some new-age crystal woo woo shit. This was a camboy site if he ever saw one and there was his Komaeda sitting on the other side of the camera.

 

 

Komaeda was fully made up, but it’s toned down perfectly like always. There’s nothing feminine about it. Hinata’s mind flies back to the lingerie Komaeda had been wearing the other night. The softness and the sheer parts with soft skin underneath.

 

 

He wonders if someone else saw him wearing that before he came over that night, and he hates the way that makes him hard.

 

 

Everything about Komaeda right now is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Hinata had never seen him with colored contacts on but this pale violet going on right now was not to be fucked with. Hinata couldn’t get over how pretty and utterly weird it was at the same time.

 

 

The boy had a silk black robe on that Hinata didn’t recognize and he could clearly see that any marks he had left sucked into Komaeda’s skin there had been covered up pretty damn professionally.

 

 

He’s in a white room with a plain raised bed behind him, probably sitting at a desk in front of a computer from what Hinata can see. He doesn’t recognize where Komaeda is at all.

 

 

So many inevitable things are rushing through Hinata’s mind. And the most surprising feeling of all is sheer exhilaration. His fingers fly to the keyboard with no shame at all.

 

**can you cum in ten minutes?**

 

 

Hinata has his really good headphones on right now and Komaeda’s laughter is painfully familiar.

 

 

“I don’t even know your name,” he says in a raspy playful voice that even Hinata hasn’t really heard yet.

 

 

**yea well i seriously doubt yours is feather.**

 

 

Komaeda laughs again, telling Hinata that that’s a first.

 

 

 _I’ll be your first everything_ , Hinata thinks and he is semi shocked at his brazenness but he is also about to see Komaeda’s dick and he’s only got nine minutes left.

 

 

**Show me.**

 

 

“If I come in two, can I log off?” Komaeda teases as his robe starts to slip off one shoulder.

 

 

**a b so lu tely noT**

 

 

Hinata is typing the best he can with one hand, ok.

 

 

The ten minute crowd is always like this though, Komaeda thinks. They don’t come for the conversation.

 

 

He climbs up onto the bed and Hinata is silently thanking the sky and feeling attacked because Komaeda’s camera fucking autozooms and he can even switch back and forth from one that is apparently in the low ceiling right above the bed.

 

 

 _Holy shit_. Hinata doesn’t even know if he said that out loud or not and his dick is _so_ hard in his clenched fist right now. He’s not going to move until Komaeda does.

 

 

When Komaeda sheds the robe, there’s a tight fitting pair of _really nice_ matching boxers underneath and with his thumbs hooked in either side of the elastic, he asks if his ‘anonymous voyeur had any requests.’

 

 

The silky fabric is in no way hiding any kinds of curves or bulges that may or may not be in perfect focus right now on Hinata’s giant wall mounted flat screen. Hinata laughs because Komaeda is fucking life size right now.

 

 

**just keep looking at the camera**

**i just want to see you**

 

 

This was as emotional as Hinata was going to allow himself to get over this whole biblical revelation going on right now.

 

 

Komaeda smirks into the camera with a slight squint, moving his hips like Hinata fucking _knows_ he can. He’s felt them in his hands so many times before and the knowledge of that is filling out the entire experience even more.

 

 

Even as his emotions are swirling like a tornado under the surface, Hinata is beyond ready.

 

 

And then Komaeda’s thumbs push lower and he is just teasing the hell out of his ‘anonymous voyeur.’

 

 

He’s going so slowly but it’s ok, it’s about to _happen_ , Hinata tells himself.

 

 

Before Komaeda even lets his dick flop out into view, the connection is lost. It was disconnected by the client. Again he says to himself, “that’s a first.”

 

 

On Hinata’s end, his panic attack felt so much like actual cardiac arrest he would have called for help if he didn’t feel so disembodied in the most painful way.

 

 

He had slammed his laptop shut when Komaeda’s waist band slipped lower and lower to the point where Hinata could see his hips basically on either side of his still concealed dick and there…on each hip bone were each of the designs Hinata could draw with his left hand behind his back by now.

 

 

The two weird symbols from that fucking white shirt he was always wearing in his dreams.

 

 

Komaeda really had them literally tattooed on his hips.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  ‘real sadboy hours’ is a 2014 meme that will never die in my heart ok
> 
>  
> 
> Regarding Hinata remembering blackout chatting with Chihiro; there is a very short, very cracked out one shot about this called ‘the important thing hinata forgot that night’ in my works. Sorry I don’t know how to post ao3 links, but 90% of the other danganronpa fics I’ve posted on here take place at some point in this same au/story, so you all know.  
> Also so you know, I fucking love writing this story and don’t plan on stopping. I apologize for the like nine month hiatus but I hope you have been well fed today and I hope you know how lovely you are for even reading all of this. I appreciate it so very much x  
> .  
> .


	10. crumbling walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  Hinata didn’t even have a chance to really consider how odd this whole interaction was or ask about the tattoos before a video message came through with a text that made him drop his phone where it broke on the floor.
> 
> The nineteen year old boy fell down next to it, not even trying to pick it up again. What he had seen would never leave his consciousness in a thousand years.  
> .  
> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  The lovely comments you left on the last chapter really inspired me to jam this chapter out immediately lol, thank you all so much.
> 
> That joy aside, this is the most painful chapter I have written so far. It is definitely one of the most fucked up chapters in this whole story.
> 
> The hardest part in chapter 10 was written in a one-shot I posted last year (March, 2017) called ‘breaking tides,’ but I’ve rewritten it here in more canon detail instead of asking you to go over there to read it.
> 
> Something that I know bugs some readers is my odd way of writing out the characters’ full names. It’s honestly just one of my many ticks. I know what is their proper surnames and given names, but I still write them out like this; Ouma Kokichi, Rantaro Amami, Shuuichi Saihara, Komaeda Nagito, Hajime Hinata, etc. And some of my strange word choices are just a product of moving to America from England when I was fourteen. Like switching back and forth from duvet and blanket and color and colour, for example.
> 
> Anyway, I know this is a painful chapter to get through so please know it does get better, for all of them. It’s just a very long and fucked up road starting here and now in the story.  
> .  
> .

 

 

 

Chapter 10 – crumbling walls

 

 

Hinata was shaking and wheezing into his pillow, curled up like an unborn child when he heard a knock on his door. The words came out automatically.

 

 

  
_“Fuck off!!”_

 

 

“Bruh, I’m gonna bust down this door if you don’t open it in five seconds.”

 

 

Despite everything, Hinata knew Souda was serious about what he said.

 

 

It took him a whole two minutes, but Souda waited patiently until the door opened. Hinata’s room was in total darkness and the he looked like shit.

 

 

“What do you want?” Hinata said raspily, and he could totally tell that his voice was barely making it out of his throat right now.

 

 

Souda pushed past him to turn on a lamp next to Hinata’s bed that wasn’t as blinding as the fluorescent one in the ceiling. Hinata was asking him to please leave him alone but Souda just fixed him with a serious expression that sharply contrasted with how his demeanor usually was.

 

 

“I knew something was wrong so I came over. And I was right.”

 

 

Hinata is _so_ confused. He hadn’t made a sound. He couldn’t if he had wanted to. He had only been hyperventilating into his pillow. Souda saw the gears turning across his face and just said it.

 

 

“I can just tell, man. Don’t question it too much.” For the first time since he came in, Hinata’s face had morphed into something other than being wrecked. It was disbelief. Souda went on, “so, what’s wrong with you?”

 

 

“Souda. I can’t talk about this right now, please get out.” Hinata was still trying to avoid having to sort out his feelings into words and Kazuichi Souda was the last person he could even begin to talk to about how he felt regarding all of this shit.

 

 

Souda completely surprised Hinata by pulling him into a tight hug.

 

 

“Then don’t talk about it,” he said, and Hinata felt something break inside of him. The sobs come out faster than he could control them and Souda held him tighter, telling him to let it all out.

 

 

Hinata was getting snot all over Souda’s shirt and the pink haired boy had to shuffle both of them to reach the other boy’s kleenex.

 

 

The green eyed boy blew massive amounts of snot into the provided tissues held up to his nose, brokenly apologizing for being such an absolute wreck. The hug between them was probably the most human contact Hinata had had with anyone except Komaeda. He didn’t even know how much time he spent crying, but like, Souda’s shirt was pretty soaked on one side. His friend told him not to worry about it with a smile that Hinata was not in a state to return at the moment.

 

 

“You good, dude?” Souda said after Hinata had stopped crying and pulled away from him. Hinata nodded even if he really didn’t know right now. The epic crying fit definitely helped somehow. Hinata felt like he could actually breathe properly again. Souda went to the door between their rooms and unlocked Hinata’s side. “Ok, I’m going back now, but keep this unlocked, just in case.”

 

 

Hinata spent the rest of the night lying in his bed staring at the ceiling in the dark with an infinite multitude of thoughts and emotions swirling through his mind. His eyes were sore from crying so much, but letting it out had somewhat numbed him. At least to the physical shock that came along with what he had seen on his television screen earlier.

 

 

He reached under his pillow to grab his sketchbook and without even having to think about it, he opened it to the spread where he had drawn the sunset and the symbols from both of their shirts. The dream of being on that beach with Komaeda, the nerves and pleasure of kissing him for the first time. The laughter against the crashing waves as the sun sank into the sea.

 

 

For a tiny moment he wondered if he had hallucinated what he saw earlier. But deep down, he knew he didn’t imagine it and he ran his finger over the indentations in the page where he had penned them in so hard that there were dents in the paper.

 

 

He knew how weird he was being, but he curled up on his side, burying his face between the pages. The smell of paper and ink and graphite filled his nose like so many other nights he had done this while thinking about Komaeda to the point where the synesthesia he experiences is a very real thing. It made Komaeda’s face come into focus so sharply that Hinata forgot to breathe until his body reminded him in so many panicked ways.

 

 

He tried as best as he could to push the image of Komaeda’s bare tattooed hips out of his mind to really consider what he had found out this evening.

 

 

Komaeda was a camboy. An extortionate one, but at least he was in some way subverting capitalism and Hinata almost smiles as he thinks this. The thought was followed by a painful pang because Hinata doesn’t even want to think about what kind of people have that much money to blow on that kind of thing. Truthfully, there were a lot of things that Hinata did not want to think about but wasn’t capable of sleep right now. He was barely capable of avoiding catastrophic thinking in this situation.

 

 

Still, he tried again to not get hung up and to think about this logically at least. Hinata had no doubt that the money being collected from this side-job of Komaeda’s was going directly to fund the orphanage. He thought about all the times during the week when Komaeda was unavailable and about the prices for those sessions. He likely made thousands of dollars every single day from that website.

 

 

It was almost something like hypocrisy that Komaeda was doing that kind of thing to pay to take care of children. But it didn’t really surprise Hinata. It warmed him, slightly.

 

 

The next part of his thoughts revolved around his values. It was maybe the one thing that kept him from screaming the moment the session started. Hinata had been too turned on to really understand his feelings earlier. He was too eager to see what he wanted to see.

 

 

It was there though, so deeply aching in his heart that he couldn’t ignore it any longer. His outlook on life and interpersonal relationships had flourished since he came here and met all of the friends he had in this city. Woke was the overused go-to word for what had changed with his thinking in the last couple years. In reality it was just a shitload of knowledge digested in a particularly impressionable period in his life that led directly to the pain he was feeling right now.

 

 

Despite all of the awful feelings, not to mention feeling betrayed and lied to, Hinata couldn’t really say shit about what Komaeda chose to do with his own body. Whether they were actually dating or not. The concept of which was still nebulous to say the least.

 

 

**_Are_ ** _we even dating? Are we even boyfriends? Are we even exclusive with one another?_

 

 

It hadn’t come up. It wasn’t set in stone. It had been beautiful and erotic and Komaeda swore in so many ways that he was deeply in love with Hinata. But that was the extent of the things that defined them. Komaeda had continued his annoying sentiment that ‘Hinata was free to do whatever he wanted’ randomly over the last few weeks. Those words ate at his heart as he curled further into himself.

 

 

Hinata had taken this to mean that Komaeda’s self esteem was really that low. That he would understand if Hinata didn’t want him. But Hinata had continued to return to Komaeda over and over because he _wanted_ to be there. He had said so, and it had been so infuriating for him to hear Komaeda dance around actually accepting that.

 

 

With the way Hinata had developed his ideals the last two years, there was no way to go back on his resolve to respect what Komaeda was doing. But it hurt. It really fucking hurt.

 

 

His head was hurting and without even knocking, Hinata let himself into Souda’s room. The other boy was loudly snoring in a tangle of blankets in his bed. Hinata crept around looking through things until he found what he was looking for. A prescription box of saphris Souda had likely bought off of some poor person that actually needed it. Hinata didn’t really care _what_ he found as long as it was strong enough to make him pass the fuck out. He placed two of the shitty tasting fake cherry flavored tablets under his tongue before he even made it back into his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

 

 

It didn’t take long. Everything became blurry and far away and before he knew it, Hinata was long gone into a deep slumber.

 

 

He woke up late Sunday afternoon. Souda had apparently come in at some point and dropped off a care package of a giant bag of weed and an even larger bottle of wild turkey. Hinata allowed himself to smile for the first time in an entire day.

 

 

It was short lived though. His heart still hurt very much, and it only got worse with every other thought he was having. Since he met him, Komaeda had been the only thing on his mind most of the time. And that hadn’t changed, but it was all wrapped in this inescapable pain now.

 

 

Hinata had never been in love before meeting Komaeda. And it was horrifically ironic that it took something like this for him to realize how deeply he was into the hell that was being in love with Komaeda Nagito. He knew his feelings had been growing and growing exponentially every single day since he met the other boy. He never knew it was this bad.

 

 

If he didn’t love Komaeda so much, none of this would matter.

 

 

But he was hopelessly in love with him and he knew it. He tried so hard to ‘rationalize’ things last night because like every other uncomfortable thing between them, he just wanted to sweep this under the carpet and ignore it.

 

 

So Hinata was steeling himself to reach out to Komaeda. To sit him down and admit that he had found his website and paid for a session. And to ask about the tattoos.

 

 

It was an incredible shock to Hinata’s entire system to see them yesterday. He thought back to the last and only other thing that connected his dreams to reality. It was Komaeda’s name. Hinata still felt a very real ache in his heart when he thought about that moment on the floor in Ouma’s bathroom and how it utterly fucked him up inside. The intense and painful feelings were unwarranted to say the least, but somehow it wasn’t something Hinata questioned so much after that.

 

 

Hinata had been fully immersed in the intoxicating parts of being with Komaeda. It was blinding. Komaeda could sweep him off his feet with a single glance, that’s how bad it was. He lost himself in the other boy every single chance he got and ignored every strange and hurtful thing that he honestly should have just asked about already.

 

 

Komaeda had never lied to him. He had just withheld a lot of pertinent information. To the point where it might as well have been a lie.

 

 

Even so, Hinata knows that he would probably forgive Komaeda for just about anything.

 

 

His chance to test that resolve came before he got a chance to call Komaeda.

 

 

Hinata was reaching for his phone when he got a message from him.

 

 

Komaeda: _did you find out my secret? :3_

 

 

Hinata stared at his phone for a full five minutes before he replied, asking Komaeda if he was the one who sent that link. The reply was an immediate affirmative.

 

 

Hinata felt such a sense of relief that he didn’t know what to do with himself. A huge part of that was the fact that it saved him from having to explain that he was actively trying to see Komaeda’s dick without him knowing.

 

 

But it sparked another train of thought for Hinata. Was this like a test or some shit? Or rather was this Komaeda’s weird backwards ass way of making Hinata as guilty as he was? Like getting Hinata to pay for a session behind his back so the fact that Komaeda was doing it in the first place would be brought to an equivalent level of betrayal on both of their parts?

 

 

Hinata didn’t like it at all; the way Komaeda had gone about revealing all of this.

 

 

Sent: _you could have just told me you know_

 

 

Komaeda: _but it’s way more fun this way_

 

 

Sent: _what the fuck is that supposed to mean_

 

 

Hinata didn’t even have a chance to really consider how odd this whole interaction was or ask about the tattoos before a video message came through with a text that made him drop his phone where it broke on the floor.

 

 

The nineteen year old boy fell down next to it, not even trying to pick it up again. What he had seen would never leave his consciousness in a thousand years.

 

 

There were a lot of things he wouldn’t put together until he calmed down but all he could feel was a pain that completely eclipsed what he had felt yesterday.

 

 

Over the next hour, similar messages kept flooding in. Pictures and videos of Komaeda through his cracked screen, doing things with all kinds of other people that thoroughly made Hinata sick to his stomach. He didn’t even feel the least bit happy about finally knowing what the other boy’s dick looked like at this point. The tattoos were in every single one, there on each of his hips. His Komaeda was _smiling_ in all of them. But for these other people. Making noises and expressions Hinata had only dreamt about so far. Literally.

 

 

The initial message had been absolutely cruel. It had said, _“I bet you couldn’t give it to me this good, Hajime.”_

 

 

Hinata felt like he was actually dying. One of the harshest things he witnessed as they had kept flooding in was that in all of them, there were no signs of the appallingly deep scars he knew covered the other boy’s body. And he looked _so_ young in them.

 

 

He looked far more like the Komaeda from Hinata’s dreams and besides the inevitable sickness and hurt he was already feeling over seeing all of this, another layer of pain set in. It twisted his heart as he thought about what might have happened to Komaeda. To know that he looked like that at some point in this world too. Unmarred.

 

 

_What happened to him?_

 

 

But more forefront in Hinata’s heart and mind was, **_why_** _is he doing this to me?_

 

 

No one had to even hug him for the sobs to come out this time. Thankfully Souda had locked the door between their rooms and was currently blasting his shitty nitecore. This only meant one thing. He was jerking off at the moment.

 

 

Hinata grabbed the bottle of whiskey without even thinking about it and collapsed on the floor in a total fit of ugly crying, not even bothering to find any tissues for his profusely running nose.

 

 

His phone went off again, but it wasn’t the text ring he had set for Komaeda. He really wanted to be left the fuck alone but for some reason he flipped his phone over anyway.

 

 

It was Shuuichi. Shuuichi never called. He either texted or just showed up. So even though Hinata was shattered in every sense of the word, he answered.

 

 

If at all possible, Shuuichi sounded like even more of a complete mess than Hinata was. He said he _really_ needed someone to talk to, so Hinata figured if anyone was able to take in the trainwreck that was his current emotional state, it would be Shuuichi Saihara. The boy who had slowly become his best friend ever since that horrible day at the cove on their last day camping.

 

 

Hinata dropped his card key out the window into the bushes, telling Shuuichi it’d be there and to let himself in because he could _not_ leave his room right now. He unlocked his door to the hallway and went back to where he had been sitting at the foot of his bed on the floor, taking another giant swig off the bottle there.

 

 

Hinata broke down into another sobbing fit as soon as his feelings set in along with the shitty whiskey nearly burning a hole in his throat.

 

 

This is how Shuuichi found his friend when he arrived, and the black haired boy sat down next to him, just as many tears staining his own face. Without asking, he took the bottle out of Hinata’s limp hands and chugged it as much as he could without actually choking.

 

 

Neither of them knew who should go first so they just held each other, crying for their own individual reasons.

 

 

Not much time passed before Shuuichi finally reached over to grab Hinata’s new bong and the fat bag Souda had left. Shuuichi had been such a chaotic jumble of emotions when he left his apartment that he hadn’t even thought to bring anything with him except his phone. He was already half way here before he called Hinata.

 

 

It turned out that Shuuichi had much more to say than Hinata, and part of his grief also involved Komaeda. But only a part of it.

 

 

Through sobs and chugging and dusting enormous bowls, Shuuichi related to Hinata what had happened to him before he literally ran out of his apartment all the way here.

 

 

Apparently Shuuichi had just showered and was making his way downstairs when he stopped dead, listening to Rantaro and Ouma’s hushed discussion he could hear from the living room below.

 

 

What he learned had been completely horrifying to a level that made Hinata’s already queasy stomach take such a turn that he actually ran to his bathroom to vomit.

 

 

According to Shuuichi, he had overheard a conversation where the other boys were talking about that last day camping. About those last two gunshots all of them had heard while Shuuichi was huddling under a blanket against Hinata.

 

 

Rantaro Amami and Ouma Kokichi had killed those guys with bullets point blank, straight to their heads.

 

 

He didn’t even have to explain that this made Komaeda complicit in the knowledge of what had happened that day. This entire time, Komaeda knew too. And he had never said shit about it.

 

 

When Hinata had finally stopped puking, he wobbled out of the bathroom to fall down by Shuuichi’s side. He was hyperventilating again and Shuuichi graciously handed him the fifth that both of them had already half way finished.

 

 

After the bottle was almost done, Hinata slurred out what had brought him to such a similar state tonight. He didn’t say much except that Komaeda had related to him in so many ways that he’d rather be with other people than Hinata.

 

 

Neither of them could keep from crying on an off and they dangerously moved on to the twelve pack of shitty beers Hinata kept in his fridge once the whiskey was gone. Souda showed up once to see what the fuck was wrong, but left soon after seeing Hinata was not alone to go to another one of Ibuki’s shows.

 

 

At some point in their completely messed up night, Hinata asked with a fully inhaled bowl if he could shotgun it to Shuuichi. The boy smiled for the first time since he got there and met Hinata’s lips half way.

 

 

Neither of them knew why, but they clung to each other, passing the smoke back and forth between lips that were wet with both of their tears.

 

 

In their utter intoxication, this turned into absolutely depraved making out, right there on the floor.

 

 

Hinata hated himself through every moment of what he did next.

 

 

Parting for air, Shuuichi pulled back looking absolutely flushed with more than the alcohol running rampant through his body. Hinata hazily thought he looked absolutely _beautiful_ like this and before long, he found himself lifting the other boy up to take to his bed where he pulled off every single bit of Shuuichi’s clothing.

 

 

Neither of them were stopping this thing that was hungrily unfolding between them. Hinata knew this was wrong, spiteful and completely fucked up, but his inebriation was making those things seem so far away.

 

 

Hinata’s shirt followed the removal of Shuuichi’s clothes and he fell on top of the other boy, kissing him deeply. They both tasted like all of the hard alcohol and beer they had been drinking tonight.

 

 

And they both were pushing every trouble they collectively had right into the back of their minds as they drank in more and more of each other. It felt bizarrely comforting to both of them and it spurred their actions on even further.

 

 

Hinata didn’t even have to look to find the oil in his drawer behind him and he held it tightly in his hand as he pulled himself up to look down at Shuuichi to confirm that he actually wanted this.

 

 

Shuuichi breathed out a completely sinful _‘please,’_ looking like he was begging for release and Hinata couldn’t ignore this in his fucked up state so he flipped the cap open to cover his fingers in the viscous liquid.

 

 

Hinata was hard too and really wanted, _needed_ to come. He hated how pretty his friend was right now. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.

 

 

Taking Shuuichi into his mouth is easy. He’s certainly not as big as Hinata. Hinata however, is bigger than anything Shuuichi had ever seen. He had only ever been with Rantaro and he was too faded and worked up to rightly walk Hajime through what the taller boy honestly had no experience in.

 

 

Hinata had never done this kind of thing to another person before but he still tried to replicate what Komaeda had been doing to him all these weeks with their sleepovers in his apartment, a thought that made hot tears come even in this state.

 

 

There was no going back.

 

 

He massaged the oil over his fingers while he went down on the smaller boy and he pressed in gently with one finger. He stretched him slowly while pulling back to raise himself on his knees to stare in awe of the absolutely corrupt shit he was doing to his friend. The boy’s face was so far gone and begging that Hinata couldn’t deal with it. He found himself actually _wanting_ to make Shuuichi feel good.

 

 

When he was up to three fingers nearly half an hour later of not stroking himself because it was shamefully so hot he might actually prematurely come, Hinata leaned down, kissing Shuuichi gently, asking if it was still ok. Shuuichi just replied a very audible, ‘ _God yes.’_ Hinata had to smile about that and he really hates himself right now.

 

 

He purposely avoided anywhere near where Shuuichi’s prostate might be in his ministrations. Shuuichi would probably interpret this as Hinata’s lack of experience. But Hinata knew better. He obscenely wanted this to last as long as possible before drunkenly passing out.

 

 

He lifted Shuuichi’s legs over his shoulders, bending the smaller boy in half. He slowly pressed in as gently as possible, searching Shuuichi’s face for any sign of discomfort. Unexpectedly Shuuichi clawed his back again practically screeching, _“For fuck’s sake, Hajime just do it already.”_

 

 

Hinata needed no further permission to literally kiss his virginity goodbye. He slammed into him and Shuuichi’s crying of _‘Hajime!’_ was more than he could deal with. It made him moan out in response but god. The boy was so _tight_ around him. _So warm. So fucking **good**._ He rolled his hips a little, making Shuuichi’s eyes bulge at him in response to this tease.

 

 

 _“Just testing you know.”_ Even Hinata could hear how wrecked his own voice sounded. He needed more. He needed this right now, he didn’t presently care how wrong this kind of thing was. That could wait for a self-loathing and extremely hungover morning. He’ll definitely deserve it. Even if Komaeda had been unduly cruel, this was cheating and he fucking knew it long before he sank his dick into his best friend.

 

 

He bent down to sloppily kiss Shuuichi, both of them clinging to one another as he slowly moved himself in shallow strokes deep within this person who might actually understand him better than anyone he’s ever met.

 

 

This was inevitably teasing the hell out of that sensitive spot inside Shuuichi, making him cry out even more. Another clawing. The boy finally ended up moaning out, _‘just give it to me, do whatever you want!’_

 

 

 ** _Jesus christ_** _this boy is loud_ , Hinata thinks to himself. He lifted himself up, tightly keeping one of Shuuichi’s legs over his shoulder while pushing his other leg down his side and he placed one hand firmly over the other boy’s clearly uninhibited mouth. He took one long look into the golden eyes below him, framed in gorgeous black lashes, telling himself he was fucking scum before letting loose everything he ever imagined doing to Komaeda’s ass.

 

 

Hinata just does it the way he wants and _oh god_. He can’t stop. _He doesn’t want to stop._

 

 

He could feel Shuuichi practically screaming under his palm as he fucked him so hard. As he slammed into him so fast, over and over. Neither of them would last long at this rate.

 

 

Not long after Hinata started literally pummeling his ass so harshly, Shuuichi started coming hard and he was _squirming_ under the older boy with his eyes rolled back. Watching the smaller boy spill all over himself and feeling the subsequent waves of tightness around him prompted Hinata to let go of Shuuichi’s leg and pull out to only too easily flip him over. He gripped the boy’s hips hard and pulled him up onto his knees.

 

 

Shuuichi is more than able to oblige, ass up and face pressed into the mattress. The way Rantaro had treated him the last five years made him compliant as hell post orgasm. Rantaro could last longer than the sun in bed and Shuuichi could honestly take far more torture than this even though Hinata was fucking _huge_ in his opinion.

 

 

Leaning over Shuuichi’s back, Hinata’s movements became desperate. They were pressed together and Hinata could feel their collective sweat hotly sliding between his chest and the delicate curve of the younger boy’s back.

 

 

This erratic motion on his part was far more indicative of the fucking virgin he had been before tonight. When he felt _too_ close, he rose up, using his grip on Shuuichi’s hips to pull the boy _hard_ towards him over and over. Hinata began crying out a list of desperately voiced expletives as he came deep inside Shuuichi’s blessedly tight ass.

 

 

Pulling out still hard and soaked in his own come, he drunkenly observed the substance that followed, slowly dripping out of his friend. Too impulsively, he backed up and planted his face there making Shuuichi fucking yelp.

 

 

Hinata was lately obsessed with tasting himself…he wanted to know what the hell Komaeda seemed to love so much about his taste. Even after everything. He wanted to know everything about Komaeda. And he was laughing inside, clearly off his fucking wasted rocker knowing that he was getting this knowledge straight out of someone else’s asshole.

 

 

After practically cleaning the entire gaping hole before him, lapping and forcing all saltiness down his dry throat, Hinata collapsed next to Shuuichi on the bed. Both of them were completely out of breath. Hinata grabbed his spent friend, pulling him close until Shuuichi was flush against his pounding chest. They were covered in come and so disgustingly sweaty, but Hinata threw the blanket over both of them anyway.

 

 

He bent down brushing Shuuichi’s damp bangs from his face and softly kissed his forehead, shamelessly licking the salt of the boy’s skin off his lips before asking him how he did.

 

 

“God.” Shuuichi was breathily laughing against his chest. “I don’t even know what to say. I don’t regret this though. You’re _good_ , Hajime.” His voice was so sleepy and undeniably cute that Hinata held him closer and Shuuichi fell asleep just like that, a completely fucked out mess.

 

 

Unlike Komaeda, Hinata would never keep this from his lover. Whenever his angel called for him next, this would be the first thing he would tell him. That he ended up losing his virginity to someone else. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel anger until this point and that astounded him. But he passed out anyway with the thought that this, _right here_ , was the single most fucked up day he had in his life.

 

 

The next morning, Hinata’s head is fucking pounding. Recalling everything, he slammed his hand over his mouth and peeked under the blanket to see Shuuichi still sleeping against his chest.

 

 

He carefully extricated himself from the other boy’s arms to shower. After subsequently drinking like a gallon of water with six aspirin, he came back to Shuuichi, who was still naked, sitting up and toking in his bed, sweat dried hair a total mess half plastered to his face. Hinata allowed himself to smile at him and Shuuichi returned it. But it wasn’t the bashful and/or awkward kind at all, just the kind that wordlessly said, _‘well that happened, come get high.’_

Upon closer inspection, Hinata saw that his wastebasket was right next to the bed with fresh puke in the bottom of it.

 

 

“You were in the bathroom, I didn’t know what to do.”

 

 

Hinata smoked a fat hit before he took care of the noxious mess in his trash can.

 

 

They were too good of friends to let this do anything to make things weird between them. Shuuichi made it easy like that. There wasn’t even a need of words between them to fall back into their friendship.

 

 

“Um. Do you want to shower? I have an extra clean towel.”

 

 

Shuuichi gave Hinata this very cute and lit up are you fucking kidding me face, “Bruh. Do you even think I can walk today after that?”

 

 

“Want me to carry you?” They both laughed way too much and decided to just chill there, skipping class because neither of them really felt like facing the outside world today.

 

 

Hinata ended up wiping Shuuichi down thoroughly with a warm cloth as best as he could. They decided to just get high and binge on Arizona tall cans of straight up sugar, ordering pizza at 10am. Hinata refused to get a meat pizza.

 

 

“What if it’s just on one side?”

 

 

“No way, _jesus_.”

 

 

Hinata would later receive _many_ complaints about all the smoke that inevitably filled the hallway outside his door that day.

 

 

“I can’t believe I took your v card…that’s insane.”

 

 

“Aha…yeah.”

 

 

“I’m glad I got to you before you turned 20 because that would just be fucking sad,” Shuuichi said, teasing Hinata.

 

 

“Apparently I’m the only one I know who’s waited this long, huh?”

 

 

“Manami…”

 

 

“Not appropriate. Nami isn’t into sex.”

 

 

“Whatever, I’m never getting wasted alone with you again. Not when I know how good your dick is now.”

 

 

“Was it really that good?” Hinata asked, still in disbelief, and Shuuichi sarcastically side eyed him, blowing out a bong load before answering.

 

 

“I’m not answering that. I’m done complimenting you forever now.”

 

 

They continued to have so many laughs, distracting themselves from the painful and scary things that inevitably led them to what happened the night before.

 

 

Shuuichi eventually showered, but he wasn’t inclined to put any clothes on besides a pair of borrowed boxers that barely stayed up on him. He climbed right back in Hinata’s bed, complaining again about how fucking sore he was and about what a stupid asshole Rantaro was.

 

 

In his sobriety, Shuuichi became more and more bothered by what Hinata had said the night before, and he finally asks him about it after watching the other boy staring out the window with a pained look on his face for nearly ten minutes straight.

 

 

“Hajime, can I see your phone?” He asked gently, and Hinata rose an eyebrow but handed it to Shuuichi anyway. Hinata watched Shuuichi scroll through the messages for less than thirty seconds before the black haired boy facepalmed and literally yelled, “Hajime, you _fucking **moron**_. There’s no way in hell Akise sent you these messages.”

 

 

Hinata is stunned and before he can stutter out any kind of question, Shuuichi goes on, pointing at the cracked screen, “Look, _right here,_ would Akise like ever just call you ‘Hajime?’”

 

 

 _It’s true_ , Hinata thinks as memories flood his mind. He had been so fucked up in his head that he barely even noticed that part. And it didn’t make sense. On the surface, it would have been a really good way to hurt Hinata, but he remembers all too clearly the panic attack Komaeda had when he accidently said his given name last time. He felt like he was losing his mind and the guilt of what happened last night hadn’t even fully set in. Hinata was furious. _Who the fuck did this then?_

 

 

“It was Rantaro. _God damn it_. It makes me even more pissed at him and I didn’t even think that was possible.” Shuuichi said, and even Hinata could hear how infuriated he was.

 

 

Hinata literally screeched, _“Whaattt?!?”_

_Why would Rantaro do something so awful to his own fucking brother?_

 

 

Shuuichi told him to calm down and tell him everything from the beginning. So Hinata tells him about the cam site. He leaves out everything about the tattoos because he doesn’t know how to explain that part at all. Even now, he wasn’t ready to talk about that highly personal part of all of this.

 

 

“Look, I honestly feel like slapping the shit out of you for being so fucking stupid. All you said last night was that Akise said he’d rather _‘be with_ _other people.’”_ Shuuichi was giving Hinata a look like he was actual garbage and the older boy doesn’t even feel offended. He would be looking at himself like that too if he was in front of a mirror right now. Shuuichi goes on to say that ‘Akise’ would _never, **ever**_ do this kind of thing.

 

 

Hinata listens as intently as he can with the way his body felt like it was collapsing inward with every word his friend said. Shuuichi showed him how the messages came one after the other over a very short period last night. Then he said that Rantaro had just come home from hanging out with Akise when he found him talking to Ouma downstairs.

 

 

Hinata isn’t getting it.

 

 

“He borrowed his phone, dumbass. And I guarantee he deleted every fucking thing, the video downloads and the messages before giving it back. God. Rantaro seriously needs to grow the fuck up.”

 

 

Hinata is bewildered in the worst way. His whole throat had gone dry with shock but he still managed to ask why the fuck Rantaro would do that. The pause after he asks this drags on for so long that all Hinata could focus on was the sickness relentlessly eating at his stomach. Shuuichi, who is generally blunt and like could give a fuck about what most people thought about what he said, did not look at Hinata when he spoke.

 

 

“Despite everything, I can’t tell you why Rantaro would act so viciously, but after this…I _can_ tell you that only like less than 1% of it had anything to do with you cheating on Nami.” Shuuichi felt like shit, wording it like that, but this was something that had been speculation on his part since forever and confirming it out loud was not something he was prepared to share with Hinata no matter how close they were.

 

 

Avoiding any elaboration on that front, Shuuichi quickly went on to explain that Akise had a lot of things that he’d just die if Hinata found out…and those videos were likely part of it.

 

 

Shuuichi grimaced as he looked carefully through the videos. He met Hinata’s eyes, and he was actually crying. “He’s a minor here. And I really don’t know how the fuck you didn’t notice, but he’s obviously drugged.”

 

 

All Hinata had seen was the smiling and begging and just everything else Rantaro had apparently wanted him to see by sending him all that shit.

 

 

“How do you know how old he is in them?” Hinata asked, practically shaking.

 

 

“Because he didn’t have any of those scars until he was eighteen.” Shuuichi said, and they were both trying not to cry with all of this new information. Hinata felt like his heart was in his fucking throat.

 

 

“What…what happened when he was eighteen?” Hinata asked, full of trepidation.

 

 

“I can’t tell you that.” Shuuichi said, and before Hinata could break down any further, he continued softly, “I can’t tell you because even I don’t know why the fuck it happened…and it’s not my place to tell you how it happened. Only Akise can tell you what you want to know about this, Hajime.”

 

 

Hinata wordlessly left Shuuichi’s side to go in the bathroom where he ran cold water over his head until the other boy came in and yanked him out of the sink. The smaller boy wrapped his whole head with a towel before telling him to calm down. That even though there were things he couldn’t tell him, there were things he could.

 

 

Hinata finds out that Komaeda also used to strip in a club where he still bartends when they’re short staffed as he’s really close with the owners. Apparently the stripping stopped around nine months ago when Rantaro dragged Shuuichi there right after they turned eighteen to start working there too. Shuuichi was a waiter and it was really no surprise after everything so far that Rantaro was a stripper.

 

 

Before Hinata started choking, Shuuichi quickly added that it’s a _really_ nice place and there’s not any full nudity involved at all. Rantaro’s not like routinely flashing his dick off to his brother across a poorly lit room filled with wasted truck drivers or whatever Hinata might be imagining right now.

 

 

 _Well that explains why he’s never fucking available on the weekends,_ Hinata thought, recalling that one night Komaeda called him over at 3am with glitter in his hair and smeared mascara under his eyes. _Jesus fuck, how many jobs does Komaeda have?_

Hinata could give that last part more thought later, for the moment, he was totally exasperated over the whole thing where all three of them work at a fucking strip club together and what not. He barely heard Shuuichi when he quietly added that Hinata has to decide whether or not to accept Akise’s past.

 

 

This is the state they were in when Rantaro showed up. God knows what dipshit let him in downstairs, but he was banging on the door sounding like a full on swat team.

 

 

“Do you want to hide?” Hinata said as he walked towards the door.

 

 

“Fuck no.”

 

 

Hinata opened the door wide, making it obvious to the wrecked looking Rantaro in front of him that Shuuichi was still shirtless in his bed behind him.

 

 

Rantaro’s eyes made their way from Shuuichi to Hinata, back to Shuuichi, and then his expression turned angry as fuck right back at Hinata. Before Rantaro could do anything though, Shuuichi called his name from the bed.

 

 

 **“ _Rantaro_.”** Hinata had to look back at him now; he hadn’t ever heard Shuuichi raise his voice…and it wasn’t like that was exactly what was happening. It was like the way his mother used to let him know with no mistake that he was in deep shit whenever he was caught doing bad things as a child. _Oh_. Hinata asked if he should leave. “No, but you should definitely shut the door. Get in here, Rantaro.”

 

 

 

Rantaro obeyed, finally looking away from Hinata. Shuuichi was probably going to lay into him. Hinata honestly wanted to bolt but apparently he wasn’t allowed to. He really, _really_ did not want to be in the same room with the boy he just fucked and his ‘boyfriend’ who apparently had no problem with straight up killing people.

 

 

“You’ve literally fucked over a hundred times as many people as I have in the last five years of our non-relationship, you do realize that don’t you?” Shuuichi said bitterly, and Hinata could literally hear the quotes around ‘non-relationship.’ Shit was definitely about to get very uncomfortable.

 

 

Rantaro just sat at the edge of the bed at Shuuichi’s feet, staring wide eyed at the floor. He had nothing to say about that. Hinata leaned against the wall in the opposite corner trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible, lighting a cigarette by the open window out of sheer nerves.

 

 

“Also.” Shuuichi was being so firm and salty that Hinata just could _not_ believe this was his same soft spoken and normally cheerful friend here.

 

 

 _God, why is he still half naked in my bed?_ It was just making all of this seem…so much worse than what had actually been happening all day. _Did Shuuichi plan this?_ Hinata wondered about the boy’s current state of undress. But he was speaking again so Hinata tried to focus on them as arbitrarily as he could while Shuuichi continued coldly speaking to Rantaro.

 

 

“This,” he said, gesturing at his whole body sitting up shirtless in Hinata’s bed, “would have never happened if you hadn’t sent Hajime all of that _shit_. You’re _literally_ harassing him, do you realize that? And I wouldn’t have been such a wreck if you and Ouma hadn’t _fucking killed_ those guys.”

 

 

Rantaro’s eyes were going wide and his arms were crossed over his chest. His fingers were digging into his arms but he wasn’t making any attempt to refute anything.

 

 

“So like,” Shuuichi paused to take a huge hit and Hinata’s new bong had turned completely black with built up resin in one day of this kid being in his room. Blowing out the smoke, he physically kicked Rantaro off the bed. “You have two choices, Rantaro.” Rantaro actually looked injured now, finally making pleading eye contact with Shuuichi.

 

 

“If you want me to go home with you, you have to apologize to Hajime right now, and promise me that you’ll **_never_** do this kind of shit again. Honestly, I can’t _believe_ you.” Shuuichi was so clearly not talking about the fact that Rantaro was a murderer… _thank god?_ But Hinata _never_ asked for this shit. The black haired boy continued his reprimand, “Otherwise you can get the fuck out of here and tell Ouma to bring all of my shit over here.”

 

 

 _What??_ _This was **never** discussed_ … _jesus christ_. _And what the fuck exactly, constitutes_ _all of Shuuichi’s shit?_

 

Rantaro, who hadn’t said a word since entering Hinata’s room widened his eyes at Shuuichi, and for a moment Hinata thought he was about to cry. Hinata was not super aware of how their relationship functioned in private, but it was real clear that Shuuichi had Rantaro’s balls in a proverbial vice right now.

 

 

_Or so I thought._

 

 

The taller boy looked right at his lover in Hinata’s bed and the brown haired boy could not believe the shit that came out of this asshole’s mouth.

 

 

“Whatever. I’m _not_ sorry. _For **anything**.”_ He said before turning to Hinata and Rantaro gave him a look so full of hate that he would never forget it. “You don’t deserve Akise, _not by a long shot_.”

 

 

Before Hinata could react whatsoever, Shuuichi began speaking again, “That’s not even his real name you know.”

 

 

Hinata thought that his eyes might have actually popped right out of his head at this. _How the hell does Shuuichi know about_ … _Komaeda?_

 

 _“What?”_ Rantaro said incredulously, turning back to Shuuichi, clearly not understanding anything in that last statement.

 

 

“ _Your **brother**_. His name is not _Akise_.”

 

 

_Jesus fuck honestly, **where** was Shuuichi dropping this truth bomb from, and **why now??** _

 

 

Hinata had slightly regained his composure from how Shuuichi had said it, but his mind was absolutely overloaded with the few select questions he now had for his friend. He would definitely ask them as soon as Rantaro left.

 

 

_Barring Komaeda’s brother not like, kicking my ass or killing me._

 

 

 _“What does that mean?”_ Rantaro asked, alarmed and showing far more emotion than he had since he got there. He actually looked a bit…deranged. Like something in his mind was breaking.

 

 

“Go ask your parents.” Shuuichi said flatly and Rantaro kept trying to press him for what the hell he had meant about that. Hinata grimaced because even he knows that Rantaro is literally not on speaking terms with his parents and hasn’t seen them in years.

 

 

Luckily Rantaro had completely forgotten about Hinata somehow. The older boy was counting every god damn blessing in his life for the fact that Rantaro’s emotional single mindedness in this moment did not allow for him to think about turning around and asking Hinata the same thing.

 

 

_My entire face would give me away if he did that. And I have no illusions about the fact that given that bait, Rantaro would beat it out of me if necessary._

 

 

Shuuichi deflected Rantaro’s following questions mercilessly, eventually almost cruelly reminding him to get the fuck out already.

 

 

Rantaro left, slamming the door behind him. Shuuichi took his phone which had been switched off since he got there last night and called Ouma, telling him to pack his shit up and bring it over.

 

 

Hinata spoke as soon as Shuuichi hung up, _“Why did you tell him that?”_

“I had to do something to deescalate him from beating your ass, Hajime. You should thank me. He deserves to know anyway. There are too many secrets in that family. It’s not healthy.” _No shit_.

 

 

“How do you know about Komaeda?”

 

 

“Is that his real name?”

 

 

“Wait, you didn’t know that?”

 

 

“I just couldn’t …remember it…if it was ever brought up at all, which I highly doubt.” Shuuichi paused looking right at Hinata, those wide golden eyes conveying a true seriousness. “I know that Komaeda is not the Akise I remember as a child.”

 

 

 _“What?”_ this was the first Hinata was hearing of there being… _another Akise?_ “Oh my god.” Hinata was still pretty lost but he thought he could almost piece together what this meant.

 

 

“It’s what you’re thinking Hajime. Rantaro’s parents had a son, and at one point they replaced him with your Komaeda….I don’t really know the details of what exactly happened. I was like four, but I swear to god, I remember.”

 

 

Suddenly, despite everything the fucker had put him through, Hinata felt so much pain for Rantaro. Especially if his parents would be forthcoming with…whatever they decided to tell him. His mind flashed to Komaeda telling him that he was adopted and no one knew. To that journal of his that said the thing like, _“you’re adopted into a pistachio haired family, taking the place of their dead son and you inherit a baby brother.”_

 

 

Further pain twisted its way into Hinata’s chest thinking about how Komaeda’s name must’ve been taken away from him as he was shoved into an unfamiliar family when he was so young. 

 

 

After all this time Hinata never even knew about what his life was like before he was adopted except that he was in an orphanage which was tragic enough. Or what happened afterwards for that matter. This was all too much for him. His heart felt like it was being ripped into pieces.

 

 

Hinata thought about Komaeda’s scars too…there were so many things he now knew he should have just asked him about already instead of being too scared of hurting him by asking. Hinata regretted so deeply not offering Komaeda his support. Instead he had just let everything flow naturally. Which for Komaeda meant keeping absolutely everything locked inside when it came to emotional connection.

 

 

Shuuichi had gotten up and walked over to Hinata where he had unconsciously sunk to the floor with his knees up against his chest and his hands up in his hair.

 

 

There had been been seriously way too many reasons to cry in the last 24 hours and a huge part of Hinata silently wished he had never left his hometown. Never went to this school. Never met these people.

 

 

_That’s not true though._

 

 

 _Komaeda_. _Oh **Komaeda**_.

 

 

Despite everything, Hinata knew he still would never regret meeting Komaeda.

 

 

 _And what happened to that other little boy?_ _Was he really replaced because he died? And how could everyone keep this from Rantaro for so fucking long?_

 

 

He barely felt Shuuichi place his arms around him as he sat down beside the taller boy.

 

 

“Breathe, Hajime.”

_Heh_. _Like I can fucking breathe right now._

 

 

Hinata almost wanted to shove him away, but he just leaned into Shuuichi’s small frame and let even more tears fall. It’s weird how things had done a 180 from that last day camping. Here, Hinata was seeking an anchor in Shuuichi.

 

 

Hinata’s thoughts were spiraling around everything that was still so fresh in his mind. He felt _so_ sick to his stomach and it wasn’t even the hangover, not by far.

 

 

Even if Komaeda knew what happened on the beach that day, Hinata knew in his heart that he had only been protecting Rantaro by not saying anything about it. _Rantaro_ , who apparently gave zero fucks about protecting Komaeda.

 

 

Hinata had already painfully decided prior to receiving those texts yesterday that Komaeda’s website was fine with him even if it was harder in practice than whatever intentions were pulling his ideology into shape.

 

 

He still couldn’t get Komaeda’s scarred body out of his mind. The fact that they didn’t look accidental _whatsoever_ should have spoken volumes to him.

 

 

_Where has my head been? Where has my **heart** been?_

It was inevitable that Hinata thought about the potential meanings of the tattoos as well. It wasn’t something he could share with Shuuichi though. It wasn’t something he felt like he could tell anyone. It was too intimately private not to mention completely _weird_.

 

 

Komaeda had certainly done everything he could to keep the tattoos hidden from him all this time. Hinata never saw him in less than boxers and that was only once the day after he met him, when Komaeda had made that ridiculous bed in their tent. … _Shorts. Jeans. Sweats._ They never came off around Hinata. Not once.

 

 

Hinata thought about every time Komaeda had deflected his advances. How he never demanded anything in return for the pleasure he gave him. Being demanding wasn’t really in Komaeda’s repertoire in the first place, but before today, Hinata always thought the lack of reciprocation happened far too often. The frustration Hinata usually felt reflecting on those instances was turning into something else entirely with what he had learned today.

 

 

He didn’t know how long he and Shuuichi stayed like that in silence on his floor, which was just like a shitty thin carpet over concrete. It wasn’t comfortable at all, but Hinata couldn’t make himself move for a long time.

 

 

Hinata’s heart broke for Komaeda.

 

 

_How many wrong turns have continually shattered his world all his life?_

 

 

“Get up, Hajime,” he heard his friend say and Shuuichi was still there, holding him. Hinata let him help him up and they both stretched. Hinata wondered if Shuuichi was trying to exchange a smile, but he wasn’t ready for that. There was so much on his mind and every bit of it was extremely fucked up.

 

 

A knock on the door surprised both of them, but it was Ouma. He had brought a bag of Shuuichi’s things and food for all of them. Hinata tried to say he wasn’t hungry but Shuuichi knew exactly how much he had thrown up in the last day and physically made him eat anyway by literally dragging him to the low table across from his bed.

 

 

While they were eating, Shuuichi bluntly asked Ouma which one of them pulled the trigger.

 

 

“Don’t make me answer that, Shuuichi,” Ouma said with a pained expression.

 

 

“So Rantaro, huh?” Shuuichi stated rather than asked and it just now dawned on the other boys that if Ouma did it, he would have just said so. Hinata for the life of him couldn’t understand why both Ouma and Komaeda would go to such lengths to protect Rantaro.

 

 

Ouma was staring at the floor between his legs, unable to make eye contact with Shuuichi after that. His eyes went wide when Shuuichi reached over the food containers between them to pull his chin up to look at him.

 

 

“I kind of figured anyway. _It’s not your fault, Ouma.”_ He said and Hinata didn’t imagine it when he saw the smaller boy lean into Shuuichi’s hand. But that was the extent of Shuuichi’s kindness for one day. He told Ouma to tell Rantaro that he doesn’t want to speak to him or see him for an indefinite ‘while.’ Ouma looked like he was going to say something, but he stopped himself and ended up leaving soon after.

 

 

As soon as he was done eating what Shuuichi piled onto his plate along with threats of what would happen if he didn’t eat it, Hinata called Komaeda.

 

 

And Komaeda answered his phone for the first time ever.

 

 

Hinata can’t speak until Komaeda said hello for the third time.

 

 

_“I need to come talk to you.”_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  I was probably taking non-canonical liberties by making Hinata a vegetarian because I can’t stand meat lol but it’s a minor plot point as well, way later on.
> 
> Chapter 11 is gonna be super fucking long and explanatory and I can’t wait to show it to you. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading all of this so far, and thank you for your comments and kudos, it honestly gives me the motivation to keep going. It’s one thing to have everything outlined but it’s quite another to write out an entire chapter and your love of this story is honestly the thing that keeps me going. I never expected this many people to like this story and I’m continually blown away by your kindness, hilarity and positive feedback.   
> Love, Sailo  
> .  
> .

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I have so much more for this work in store, so please let me know if you liked it enough to keep reading.


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